(Ex) Smoking

So here’s the situation. Someone smokes. Then, they stop smoking, and everyone comes over and says, “Congratulations, you stopped smoking?!?”
People gush over them and ask all these questions:“Is it as hard as you thought?”
“Are you chewing the gum?”
“Do you have big cravings?”
And my personal favorite, “Oh my god, you’re quitting cold turkey?”

People can never believe someone is quitting cold turkey. It’s always shock and awe. It’s as if this person has just finished fighting something truly difficult, like they just came back from Iraq or overcame AIDS, or overcame AIDS in Iraq.

Maybe I’m cold, but why are we congratulating them? I refuse to say “good job.” Why should I congratulate someone for quitting? How hard can it be to make a decision to spend less money, be healthier, and look better? What a tough choice that must have been. "Well I can continue to infinitely increase my chances of getting cancer, heart disease, and look and smell like crap--OR--I could be healthier."

How about we don’t congratulate them, instead, we thank the ex-smokers for not smelling like shit anymore and ask them only one question, “how could you be so dumb to start?”

Better yet, when someone says they stopped smoking, I turn the attention to me.
“I’ve been smoke-free for 24 years. Yeah I did it, cold turkey. Where's my medal?"

Smoking Breaks

I thought segegration ended in the 50's, but no it still goes on today. It’s no longer black and white, its smokers vs non-smokers (black vs. white lungs). It's one of the most overlooked slights in society today.

Smokers have a clear advantage over non-smokers in the workplace. If you’re a smoker, you get to go on a smoke break whenever you want casue you need to quench your craving. How is that fair? You crave a ciggy so you get to step outsite and relax, not working, enjoying the fresh, well not so fresh air with your heater. You know what I have a craving for every 2 minutes during the work day? The craving to NOT be working. Can I step outside for 5 min at a time to stand there and stare at the wall or talk to my buddy? No, I'd just be slacking, or avoiding working, its just not accepted. But the min i'd pick up smoking? BOOM, you need a smoke break? Go take one.

And they think the "truth" adds will deter kids from smoking? If you really want to deter kids from becoming smokers AND make society healthier, take the smoking breaks away from the puffers and give them to us non-smokers. Let us go outside for a few min and stand against the wall talking to our non-smoking friends. Let us stand out there and eat caramels, cause in the words of the great Will Hunting, its just as ahhhrbitrary.

People with Smoking Stipulations

This is a pet peeve of mine. I hear this all the time from people, even from my own girlfriend, best friend, and once, with my step sister: “I hate smoking, except when I drink.”

What the hell is that? How can you hate something in one state of mind, but love it when inebriated? If anything, drinking only further enhances your feelings about stuff. If a dude is all about something, say a football team, or is heated about some douche hitting on his girlfriend, introducing drinking is only fanning the flame. So if you don't smoke, shouldn't you hate it more when you're enjoying some adult beverages?

There are certain things that are acceptable to like more when you’re drinking: singing, being obnoxious, eating pizza at 2:30 a.m., and dancing like a moron. Smoking a ‘cool stick’ is not one of them.

Moving Day

Moving sucks. There’s no doubt about it. It’s one of those so-called “necessary evils” in life. If you want to upgrade to a bigger place, a nicer place, a better place, you’ll have to move and there’s no way around it. That is unless you have movers doing it for you, in which case you’re made of money, because moving not only puts dents in your walls, but also your wallet.

Expenses:

Let’s start with U-Haul, Ryder, Budget, etc. They’ve cornered the moving truck market. Sure the truck says “RENT ME FOR AS LITTLE AS $19.99.” Yeah, but even if you’re moving just 8 miles like I did, you’re not walkin’ out of the joint without spending at least four times that much. As it turned out, My B and I paid $93.00. How did that happen? I’ll never know. Just like the cable company, (a rant for another day), and food at a stadium/movie theater, you know you’re about to get ripped off, but what else are you going to do? Put a three-seater couch on your Civic? Also try walking out of there without the guy behind the desk offering about 30 things to you before handing you the keys.

So all you want is a truck and a dolly?
What about insurance?
Blankets?
Furniture dolly?
Boxes?
Towels?
Clothing boxes?
Movers?
Protective air cushions?
Bubble Wrap?
Packing peanuts?
Packing tape?
Masking tape?
Duct Tape?
Scotch tape?

The truck itself is insane. Is there a louder ride on the planet? I think the guys on the first Apollo rocket were like, “THIS ROCKET IS LOUD, BUT AT LEAST IT’S NOT A UHAUL!” Also be prepared for some wheel alignment issues. Holding the wheel straight means you’re turning right at a 30-degree angle. And the ride? Forget about it. It’s amazing more stuff doesn’t break because Dr. Dre in is ’64 Impala thinks you’re bouncing around. You ever see the vintage footage of the army testing the first Jeeps? It’s something like that.

Moving Attire:

The moving attire is a very overlooked part of moving, you've gotta be prepared for anything moving throws at you, which is why you wear:

- Old Shirt: a shirt that you never care about seeing again, not only is it going to smell like the Johnston Landfill by 8:45 a.m. because you’re moving on the hottest day of the year (the weather gods always wait on this day till the day you move) but also because that shirt becomes a dirt rag. You're using the bottom of that to dust the top of a shelf off, or whipe your dirty hands on, as a band aid for your cut finger, that shirt is getting abused, its a mercenary, your throwing it to the hounds, and its not coming back in one piece. The other thing about this shirt? It’s Free. You didn’t even win this shirt. You were given this shirt. It’s that shirt you got while you were walking on the street and some guy from “Earth Day Awareness” group or some other non-profit handed you it but you felt too bad tossing it out.

- Pants: Moving has to be why they invented cargo shorts; they're a UHAUL that fits on your waist. They've got more pockets than you know what to do with, or at least that’s what you thought until you used them on moving day. You're using every one of those pockets and wishing you had more. You've got 8 different keys to: cars, trucks, apartments, closets, locks, everything you can imagine. You've got your cell phone, wallet, ropes, tape measures, nails, screws, notes, directions, and half of your silverware, and that’s just in one cargo pocket. Bottom line is, you've got everything you can fit in those pockets, and you wish there was more room.

NOTE: Not wearing a belt on moving day with your cargo pants is like going to a party with a boner & sweatpants.

- Shoes: I've moved in sandals a few times, but you’re going to want to wear a good pair of sneakers. Nothing ruins a move like a bureau coming down on your big toe, that'll ruin a day or three and your friend will have to pick up the slack, making the favor of moving even more unbearable then it originally was

- Backwards Hat: This is not an essential, but this is the first accessory. Something’s got to hold back that sweat from dripping into your eyes and nothing says “I’m Moving” like a backwards hat. Now you could sport a backwards on a regular day, but what makes the moving-day edition different is the fact that it’s your worst hat. It’s the hat you use to do anything that will sustain large quantities of sweat. This normally means it’s an adjustable hat also. And on any other occasion, a backwards+adjustable hat looks ridiculous, but on moving day, or days where you mow the lawn, an adjustable backwards lid is passable and completely understood.

Effect on Friends

First off, asking a friend to move is something you hate doing, you know no one wants to help you move, but your real good friends are almost obligated. You know it, they know it, the people standing around overhearing the conversation know it. You tell them you just signed a lease on a new apartment to bring up the move innocently, and the wheels in their head start churning up excuses.... They're thinking, oh shit, a new apartment, that means a move, he's about to ask me to help, think of something quick, come on, come on, what could I possibly think up for that weekend...family reunion? Way too obvious of a lie. Dad's birthday? He's already had 3 birthdays this year. Shit! Sister's birthday? He'll see it's a lie on facebook. Dog's birthday? It died 3 years ago, that wont work. ahhhhh time's up. This is exactly why you ask your best friends because you know them too well to know when they’re making up an excuse to get out of helping you.

The best way to ask someone to move is to go with the old, “Can you help move a few things?” Now that's the biggest understatement of the century, can you help me move a few things? A few things? More like EVERYTHING I OWN. A few things is: boxes, beds, bookshelves, desks, lamps, rugs, plates, silverware, and not to mention the sleeper sofa from 1954 that their apartment's previous owners left behind, because no one has good enough friends to help them move that, well besides you. You’re signing them up for a day that World's Dirtiest Job's won’t even go near, Moving Day.

On Moving Day you wake up at 7 am to get a jump on it, go grab your truck and you're good to go. You've got the energy of 4 red bulls because you're moving and even though you dont actually want to move all your crap you’re kinda excited for your new spot. By moving day, your old spot is always a piece of trash that you don’t know how you ever lived in and your new place has a celestial glow around it. Your buddy comes over at 830, which if moving wasn’t enough, you make them give up their Saturday AND wake up early. Even though they say no problem a hundred times, you know they're just thinking of what evil things they can do to you on their next moving day.

So if you help a friend move, you’re owed big time. The only equal thing that makes up completely is your friend helping you move. Otherwise, nothing can make up for it totally. Treating your friend to lunch/dinner, taking care of their dog, etc, that’s all a nice attempt but you don’t get off the hook that easy. You’ve got that on him/her for as long as you’re friends. 40 years from now you could be like, “Hey Pat, can you help me hide this double homicide I just did? C’mon dude, you owe me, I helped you move that one time four decades ago.” And sure as the sun coming up, Pat would be there helping me dispose of a corpse. If he didn’t that would be terms for breaking off our friendship. Why do you think no one helped OJ Simpson with hiding those dead bodies? That crime scene was a mess. Obviously, he and his friends are too rich to help each other move, they had movers, and thus no one was obligated to help him that fateful night.

A Special Comment on My Time at Odysseys Unlimited

Odysseys Unlimited: Where the only thing limited is the fun.

It’s not that I hated this company. That’s not the case at all. In fact when it comes to the people, I like most of them except for some people who shall remain nameless, cough cough CLAUD_A and R_TH. Can I just tell you all a story about that latter old bag? Nearly every day, for three consecutive weeks, I would sit at the front desk from 12-1 where I would fill in for the receptionist while she went to lunch. Of course many of OUI’s patrons would go out to lunch during that time and I would say ‘hi’ or ‘how’s it going’ or something to be courteous. Well this cousin of one of the Munsters would go out to lunch and for nearly three consecutive weeks, this socially deficient slug of a human--who ironically is in a customer service position--seemingly made it a point not to say “hi” to me when I would initiate a conversation. I don’t know why, I never said or did anything bad to this lady. I had hardly spoken to this lady whom I assume is the Hunchback of Notre Dame’s mom. Not only was there a lack of total common courtesy with this gas bag, but all-in-all, she was a very off-putting person. A prime example is when I would see her stare, rather judge, the other women at the office. Her eyes would start at shoes and go all the way up to one’s head and back down and back up once again. This process took about, say, 30 seconds. Think about how long that is. Count in your head 30 seconds. Now imagine talking to a 50-year old lady who looks like a life size chia-pet giving you a condescending up-down. At least that’s not awkward at all. Like I’ve said, some people are strange and quirky, but in a good way. Not this lady. She’s just fucking bizarre in the worst way possible.

Next item of business about Odysseys Unlimited Company. Wait, did I say company? I meant Elementary school, because that's what that place made me feel like I was in. I was not treated like an adult, and nor was anyone else, unless you were one of about a select group of five or so. While sitting at my desk, my soul felt like it was dying and my superiors acted as preying vultures waiting to eat my spoiled soul-innards.

Sometimes I felt like getting up and saying, "I do not need to be watched 24/7 believe it or not. I really don’t!"

I’m a full grown adult with a college degree--not to put myself on a pedastol or something because, let's face it, Quinnipiac ain't Harvard (despite the fact it thinks it is)-- but, I was being checked on an average of once every 10 minutes to see if I was working. I know this because my superiors had no business being where I waslocated. Maybe if the company weren't going bankrupt I'd have more stuff to do. Perhaps my managers should worry more about acquiring customers than seeing if I'm checking my email. One boss in particular whom I referred to as “Bomp Bomp,” because those were the first two sounds to the Jaws theme music, truly earned his nickname. Sometimes I think his title was “Professional Watcher.” Perhaps I'm being unfair. I mean when they weren't looking I was doing lines of cocaine at my desk while planning my next terrorist attack, so I guess they had the right to be suspicious. Maybe my bosses were circling around because they wanted me to put my head down with my thumb on my desk and play “heads up 7-up.” That would have at least made me feel the age I was treated. But that would have never happened because that would be fun, and fun was something that was not tolerated. Nor was talking...

That leads me to conversations:

School used to be the place where I met my friends. But now I don't go to school, I go to work. The point I'm getting to is, you spend eight hours, five days a week, 12 months a year at your office, with only two or three weeks off. The very idea that you should not talk or converse or god forbid, become friends with these people is utterly rediculous. The good people at OUI believe that their office should be run and managed the same way as a school, only without the perk of recess, gym, or... um... lockers. On several occasions two of the ladies at the office were repremanded for having converstations with each other. During the course of a day, these conversations probably totaled, say 10 minutes at the most, If that. That's supposing they talked to each other 5 times a day for two minutes per convo on average. It's not like they didn't do their work though, so I just don't see the big deal. I could understand if a company saw people talking all the time and that led to never getting work done, but that wasn't the case in this instance. A memo was then handed out to members of the office about talking.

What I gethered from this is that the company values silence over complete ineptitude. You can be proned to making mistakes, panicing, or be as dumb as a rock, but as long as you are as silent as one, you're a highly valued component to the office. But if you get your work done in a timely, efficient, and mistake-free manner, and have a few laughs to get yourself through the day, you are looked upon as a cancer. This is bad business in my opinion. Having an office of people that talk to each other and think of one another as friends more than simply, "that person I work with," would seem to offer better work atmosphere and make situations, such as dealing with errors, easier to confront one another with. I don't know call me crazy.

LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY

I'm fairly new to the work world, but I'm familiar with idea of "office politics," and never did I think things would be as petty and lame as they were here. In no example was this more evident than accountability. When someone made a mistake, it was never their fault, ever, even though all parties involved knew exactly what was going on. No one is able to simply say, "yeah, that was my fault, and here's how I'll fix it." Instead it's a game of fingerpointing and 'he said, she said,' BS that never gets fully resolved. Maybe it's from having been involved in sports, but I always feel like I should burden the blame in an attempt to simply move forth from the problem. If I did something wrong, I made myself accountable and I explain to the boss where it must have gone wrong and adjust what it was that went wrong and move on. But no did that here. I feel like there are people that WANT to, but don't for fear that someone else is throwing them under the bus in the process.


In the same bane as lack of accountability is another ugly sore on the company:
Lack of Superior's Communication

Did I do something wrong "Bomp Bomp?" Well what's the big deal in telling me yourself? I'm not going to hate you for it. Just tell me. You're not that fucking busy. I know you want to put a giant wall between me, the peasent, and you, the king, but you can't put much of a wall up if I can see you in your office the whole day from 20 feet away. Instead his complaint would have to follow a chain of command, from A to B to C to finally Me somewhere around Q. It seems as though this is a waste of time and a sure fire way to have not just poor communication, but outright confusion. What if I have a question? Does that need to go from me to C to B to A again? Lame dude, lame. Of course I never received a verbal face-to-face meeting. No no no, that was too hard. And so were phone calls. I received all my info via E-Mail...

E-MAIL

What a faceless and shitty way to do business. Can we just talk a minute about how lame Email is? So lame. Every piece of communication given to me by my bosses was given to me via Email. Just tell me you want something done. I can see you from my cubicle typing up the Email you're about to send me. It would be faster if you used the telephone network established here. Another note about Email, not every single email needs to be copied to "all employees." I received probably over 2,000 Emails in 3 momths. Maybe 12 of those involved me, probably less. And there's so much business happening behind closed doors at this office that even though you see an email is sent to X, Y, and Z, you know the boss is being BCC'd on that shit, but no one "knows" it, but at the same time, everyone knows it.
Other Quickie Complaints:
- You sent me an Email 5 minutes ago. Why would you come up to me and ask me if I got the email? Think about it: You sent me an email, and now you've walked all the way over to me to me to ask about it. Why not just cut the first part out of the equation and just tell me.

- When telling me something like, say, "John we're letting go of the temps to clear room for the economic downturn," it would be nice if I knew face-to-face instead of through an Email. If I had not asked about my future and been proactive in finding out my future with the company, I would have found out via email. This is the equivilent of being dumped on Facebook. Truth be told, as I was being let go, a huge company-wide Email regarding wage reductions and budget cuts was released. Wouldn't that be something better addressed in person too? Something like a company meeting? You're a manager for a reason. You are supposed to make tough decisions, that's why you make more money. So as such, grow a fucking pair and just let us know what's up.

- Speaking of meeting: Temps were not allowed to go to company meetings. What the hell is that about? Seriously. You think I'm going to sell off all your secrets to the highest bidder? Don't think too highly of yourselves OUI, honestly. You're a travel company, not the fucking CIA. I'm not leaking secrets to the Russians.

A Final complaint:

During my time there, I have come to find out I was cheated and taken advantage of in the form of hundreds if not thousand of dollars in taxes and health benefits. You see, I was paid as an independent contractor, meaning legally I was technically my own boss. I could have come and went as I pleased, but I did not. If i walked out at 5:29 instead of 5:30, my managers would have shit their pants. The whole thing breaks down like this: If I worked eight hours, using the company's materials, which I obviously was, I was entitled to the same exact rights and benefits as the person sitting next to me. That's not me saying that. That's the law.
On top of it all, being an independent contractor, I was charged taxes at the same rate as a corporate entity, because again, I was my own boss. Therefore, I was taxed nearly 20% on my tax return as opposed to more than half of that which I should have been. I was cheated and taken advantage of, and I saved the company hundreds, if not thousands in taxes and health benefits that I now am responsible for. Just one more slap in the fucking face. Some years ago, Microsoft was sued for millions of dollars for doing this to hundreds of employess. That's why companies use temp companies now. And the worst part is, I think the company knew this, which means not only are they as cheap as I thought they were, but they're heartless and cruel on top of it.

Flying on the Airplane

So every stand up comic has a bit about airplanes and the airport, so why shouldn't we? Seinfeld asks us why we don't chew through the seat belt and mocks how they also tell us how to put on a seat belt in case we haven't been in a car since 1965.

George Carlin tells us about the jargon used to get on the plane. "Everybody get ON the plane. Fuck you I'm getting IN the plane. Let Evil Kenevil get ON the plane."

So in typical Pat and John style, here's the list of people you could be sitting next to on the plane.

Before we start on the people though, let's just say there's several main things that go into this moment. When you're sitting in your seat already and you see the row of people coming down the aisle of the plane, the key is not to make eye contact. Never make eye contact with any of the people listed below, because that's a "one way ticket" to getting sat next to and that 5-hour flight to California is now suddenly 10 hours. Also, before we get onto people, a brief list of things in the plane.

Pre-Flight instructions (seat belts: High-Tech Shit)

I don't know about you, but we've flown a lot. But no matter how many times I (John) always look at the stuart/stuardess. As crabby and shitty they can be, they're still trained to know what the F to do in a bad situation. Look at the plane that ditched in the Hudson the other day. I don't mind listening to the little "what to do in an emergency" show. What i don't want though (Southwest Airlines, I'm looking at you) is your phony little stand up performance. "In the occurrence we lose cabin pressure, please put your mask on first before assisting others. Then, pick your favorite child and help them first." HA HA. Very nice little one-liner there. I didn't know I was on the plane with Air Marshall Lisa Lamponelli here.

Beverage Service: Here comes the beverage cart asshole

Now there's nothing more key than getting that free drink. Drunk Guy gets the $5 nips, but the rest of us get the soda. My question is, why do they still serve tomato juice? Are enough people getting bloody mary's to warrant keeping cans of tomato drink (drank) on the plane?
Anyway, there's a few things you know are going to happen. Your cup you get, it's got cylindrical ice cubes. I think the airlines have a contract with Circular Ice Co. If you're on an international flight, you're getting one of those badass little 8 oz. soda cans. So key. Another thing you're getting is poor timing. Either they come by with the trash 2 minutes after handing your drink out, or they're not coming for 3 hours. Neither situation is good. Chug down your Diet Coke or have an empty cup (you've already eaten all the ice cubes) sitting in the seat-back pocket in front of you which is inconvenient too.

Now onto that F-ing beverage cart. Remember in Braveheart when they're trying to bust down them doors of the castle with that huge contraption? It's like 6 tree logs on wheels. Well that thing had nothing on the beverage cart. If they had a beverage cart back in the day, people wouldn't have even tried locking doors to the castle. They'd see that luggage cart and be like, "ugh just open the door, we don't stand a chance." And that's the stance you should take if you're on the aisle seat. If your elbow is over the armrest even 1/2 and inch, your funny bone's not gonna be laughing very long. Oh and unless you're interested in losing like 1/2 your foot, you best keep that thing in front of you til the coast is clear. The thing is, the flight attendants know this, and they don't care. The cart might as well be a monster truck and you're head, which is leaning in the aisle cuz you fell asleep, is the junky car it's going to devour. Beware the Bevie Cart.

Snacks

To cut costs, it seems no airlines pony up for a meal anymore. No sir, the days of those wonderful little tasty meals are over. So now you're getting a "Snack Pack" if you're on Southwest, or a choice of 2 snacks on JetBlue. I don't know what United or American are doing these days, but for $200 more you can feel free to pay their airfare and find out. Anyway, what it boils down to is, you're getting chips and a pack of cookies. The HUGE peanut bag is still customary, but if they're not the honey-roasted peanuts, I don't even want to see them. Cashews are money though. Either way the best thing to do is buy some food in the terminal for 7 beans. And the best part is when you whip out that club sandwich or salad (Or Samauri Sam's Teryaki Chicken if you're ever in Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport Terminal 4) you're going to be the envy of all those sitting around you. It's like you've just brought out the leftover pizza during elementary schooldays.

In-flight entertainment

Now not everyone's going to be joining the Mile-High club on their way to their destination, so fact is, you're going to need some shiz to do.
Some airlines do it right. If you're flying int'l with British Airways, they have a bevy of movie channels that have multiple movies on them for free and some top quality sitcom-only channels. Virgin airlines used to have Super Nintendo, don't know they still do now. JetBlue's got 39 channels of live DirecTV. That shit's epic. But if you're flying Southwest, welcome to the desert wasteland of entertainment. Although to be fair, you paid like 40 bucks to fly to Ft. Lauderdale so what were you expecting? So now it's up to you to entertain yourself. When you were little, that Game Boy was huge for this. Now we've stepped into the 21st century. It's all about the Tetris app you downloaded on your iPhone in the WiFi terminal along with the Pineapple Express and 3 podcasts (Savage Love Podcast, Jim Rome Podcast, and What You Should Know Podcast) you DL'd too. Or there's those things, books. HAHAHAHA, yeah, who reads those.

And now...Who you don't want to sit next to:

Chatty Cathy

You sit down in your seat and get ready to get some reading done or catch up on some sleep, but the chick sitting next to you in 24B has a different idea. They didn't bring any means of entertainment, except for you of course. They start off with the usual plane small talk, "i hope we take off on time" "oh your going on vacation how nice" "well I was born on a cold August day in 1945..." you get to a point where you just give up on sleep or reading and hope the plane goes down cause that's the only way this torture is going to end.

Fat Dude

The proverbial fat guy. Southwest Airlines made a big deal several years ago when they said the would begin charging two seats to big dudes and dudets. They did that because no one wants to sit next to this guy. As mean as it sounds, it's true. The fat's peeling over the armrest. If they need to get by you, it's a "huge" hassle. You know they're going to be sweaty too. In a way fat guy shares similar traits to B.O. Guy only worse, cuz he's fat. Fat Guy is even more awkward because you know they know they're fat and it's uncomfortable for them too. Awful.

Sleeps on your shoulder guy-

He's had a long week of work and he's gonna catch up on some sleep on the way to his meeting, unfortunately for you sitting in the aisle, he's got the middle seat, the no mans land of flying. If you have the window seat you might as well have a bed because that wall is perfect for sleeping on, and if you have the aisle seat you dont have any support but hey at least you can stretch your legs, but this middle seat guy is tired and that head is bobbin back and forth like the ball in atari's pong, that is until it reaches its final destination; your shoulder. He subconsiously lands there and finds great comfort in it, creeped out not knowing what to do you shrug your shoulder, slow at first, until the first 50 dont work then your lookin like your in seisure with the full body shrugs your giving off, of course you could always wake him up and say, um, excuse me, but that'd just be awkard.

Seat reclines into you guy-

You're sitting in your seat minding your own buisness when all of a sudden your knees just got the hammer dropped on them and you have some dude's bald spot in your grill. So of course you kick his seat a little bit and when that doesnt do anything you have to join him in his skuldugery and lean your seat back into the person behind you, this causes a domino-like chain reaction. Everyone's now on the lap of the person sitting behind them, sucks for the guy in 35 E, he's got the wall behind him and that steats going no where.

Plane is a bar guy

he's getting his vacation started early, it may be 8am on a Wednesday but its 5:00 somewhere and thats where he's headed. He starts off with a bloody mary for 15 bucks and moves right into a honey I shurnk the handle sized vodka then tells the "broski" to throw him a few heinikens for good measure. It's all about those nips and before you know it, he's been drunk and hungover on the same long ass flight.

Diarrhea guy

- This guy made the horrible error of getting the 2-day old Sbarro cheese pizza in the terminal, and now he's paying for it in the worst way. This guy's gotta go, early and often, and of course he's got the window seat in your row. He's climbing over you like your a hurdle and he's going for the gold, or the porcelin at leasy. Despite your best efforts, you can't get out of this guys way fast enough. At least there is a lot of space between seats so its easy for him to get by you, OH wait. So you pack up your tray table, laptop, book, bag of peanuts, and drink, stand up and let him walk by only to have to do it again when he comes back in 2 min, rinse and repeat.

Bin Hog

This guy decides to save some time and hassle by throwing his full-sized suitcase in the overhead bin. The thing that no one else knows in row 19 is that it's his bin and we're just livin' in it. With complete disregard for everyone else's little carry-on bags, he pops this bin's cherry by slamming the giant suitcase in there and he's forcing that thing in there like this was some sick luggage porn. After shoving that thing in there, Bin Hog guy tries to close the bin which obviously wont close over his gargantuan monstrosity. This guy, who's never been determined to do anything in his life will not let this go. He could just think, "oh I should probably check this, it's not working." Nope! Instead he gives it the old college try and slams the thing a little harder as if the overhead bin was asking for it: A little harder Bin Hog, A little Harder! That's when you, the witness to this whole fiasco, hears the glass souvenir beer mug you bought, break. Ironic of course because you carried that ish on the plane so you could keep an eye on it. Hopefully your friend likes his new shot glass and 10 shards of glass. Whomp. The thing is, statistically, you're going to get your bag 98% of the time, so why not travel light instead of lugging that thing all over the fuck terminal? It's just not worth saving 5 minutes.

B.O. guy

- Who let that onto the plane? This guy makes the taxi driver on the way to the airport smell like fucking roses. Either this guy hasn't showered in 4 days and he's just coming back from 3 forgettable nights from the office company party weekend at the Las Vegas Hyatt, or he's French. Whatever his story is, you're stuck with one fact: This guy fucking wreaks. This guy smells so bad that even the pilot is like, "Damn, what the shit is that smell?" I mean, things could be worse. At least you aren't stuck in a tin box with the same re-cycled air for the next 6 hours, oh wait, that's exactly where you are. By the time you get off the plane even your aunt who you haven't seen in 8 years doesn't wanna get close to you. She's thinking that you've graduated college and now work in the municipal landfill.

The Plane is My Office Guy

He's got some work to do and he's in a suit, so in his mind that makes him clearly more important than you. Oh, that armrest you thought was for the two of you, it's part of his desk now. In fact he's starting to put up pictures of his family on the seat back in front of him and he's putting up his Dilbert calendar, too. With the ambience now set for working, out comes the computer, the notebook, the folders, the books...he's got business stuff, stuff we'd never know about, to take care of for the next few hours and you're going to pay the price for it. Hopefully you brought your headphones because for the next few hours it's going to sound like the intro to "Murder She Wrote," up in here. I mean, that is unless you like flying to the soundtrack of slamming keys.

Barf Guy

- I've never run into barf guy but he's gotta exist, i mean they put those barf bags on the plane for a reason. My biggest fear with this potential barf guy is that he wont get to that bag in time, and even if he does, thats a small target to hit, and not much of an area to fill up if he really goes at it. The last thing you need on your 6-hour flight across country is some over flow spewing on your pants, gross. As someone who is seriously phobic of barfing (John) I have nothing to add to this.

Nervous Nellie

- This .guy/lady hates flying. This person is John's mom. If it were up to her she'd be with John Madden on his cruiser bus driving accross country. Unfortunately, her boss needs her to be in San Antonio tomorrow for a big presentation so she's on her way, and what's worse for you, she's not taken drammamine or anything to make her drowsy. White knuckles and veins piercing out of the neck as the plane speeds down the runway are all you can see. As a human being you feel like you need to help her out so you try to calm her down by telling her it'll be fine, you've flown a million times and something is more likely to happen to you on the drive to the aiport then when your on the plane. But at the mention of the word crash or accident in your explanation of the safety of an airplane, she shits her pants. Once the plane is up in the air, the tension subsides, a little. But we're still on defcon 5 alert stage here. The first sign of turbulance and she's right back to sweatin' this thing. The worst part is, you, who's not scared of flying, is now suddenly picked up on the panic, and you are also way more jumpy than you'd ever care to be. Oh and if the fasten seatbelt sign comes on once again at cruising altitude, it's armegeden. You want to help, but at some point it's not worth your own sanity and you just gotta throw on your headphones and chill the F out.

Kids/Babies

You never want to be on a plane with kids. Ever. The worst part is, they tiple your chance of annoyance. If they're in your row, they're not shutting up. If they're in front of you, your seat back in front of you will be shaking like it's a freaking earthquake. If they're sitting behind you, forget it. Those feet will be punding and kicking your seat all, flight, long. There's no winning with kids, sorry.

Sick Guy

There's always sick people on the plane, that's just how laws of percentages work. If 200 peeps by on the plane, at least 1/4 of them are sick probably. What you're hoping for is that you don't have to sit next to one of these people. How bad is that feeling when you sit down and dude's got like 3 travel packs of kleen-x out because he expects he will be using all of it. The sneezing, the coughing, the gross noises: it all adds up to you being sick in like a week.


Happy Traveling from Pat and John!

FASHION is FIERCE

Several weeks ago, we blogged about sports and therefore alienated our female, gay, metro, and fashion-inclined demographic. Well this week we thought we'd bring down the testosterone with a little blog about fashion. But since fashion is visual (sorry blind peeps, we exclude you from the demo again--next week's topic, braille and how the hell blind people can find those bumps on signs in the first place) we thought we'd take a gander at some of the (un)fashionable, predominantly female trends and items you may see at your local mall. In this case, the mall was the Cambridge Galleria.

Now let us explain a few things. We obviously don't know anything about fashion, but it is our belief that heads of several fashion companies get together in a form of collusion and simply come to a consensus about what's going to be the hot ticket this year. They will run through the eras and just start naming shit.
"Pirate shit!" says one man.
"Flannel," says another.
"Indian stuff," says yet another.

Then, when one thing is decided upon, the head of this clan meeting says, "okay, now make it so."

First the expensive companies get the new thing in. What's big in the upscale shops this winter/spring? From what we can tell, ruffles/pirate gear and stuff Pocahontas would wear. Then, after the really fashionable people wear this stuff for a year, it filters down to the bottom feeders who shop at Old Navy, Kohl's, and even later to Wal-Mart and Sears. By the time Sears gets these clothes, high-end stores would have moved onto something new, perhaps feathers or iron-armored suits. This is seemingly how the fashion industry works.

Now, onto the show.

What is this? Really. First off it's completely see-through, though us males wouldn't complain about that. The point is, what's up with the ruffles everywhere? You know this is the kind of thing you women will buy, then one week later  it will be not stylish anymore. 

So in this scene, we see Pat next to a dress where the fashion designer obviously said, "hey, why don't we just flatten out a disco ball?"

"Lance, you've done it again!"

I just can never see a time or a place where someone would wear this. You certainly wouldn't want to wear it at a club. What guy's going to dance with a porcupine? No guy, that's who.









These boots are flat out everywhere. It all started with the tasteless UGG boots. Now things are getting out of hand. Fashion people must have been looking at Zelda or old pictures of vikings or something like that. 









UGGGGHHH. If you're going to wear whatever the hell these are, you might as well just get a tattoo on your leg instead. I look at this and I think, Wow, that person just doesn't have any sense in style.  And you know these boots cost over 200 beans. Unbelievable. These boots are definitely not made for walkin'. 

Yeah, I mean, whatever happened to just a brown/black belt. Some guru, and I use that term lightly, thought of a way to ruin belt buckles. I mean there's that Jeff Foxworthy joke that says: You know you're a redneck if, when asked to show your ID, you show your belt buckle.

Well in this case, you know you're an asshole if, you own one of these.







Is this a belt or a band you use for stretching? Either way its a good idea to wear one of these next thankgiving(althought it'll be soo out of style by then), as your stomach expands, so will the belt. 








Not that I understand how the pirate look is "in" but how in the world is the little house on the prarie look in? Flannel dresses? seriously? whats next? overalls and pollard wigs?



















Is it really necessary to carry a suitcase around as a purse? What could you possibly need to bring around with you all the time that fills this up? I guess if you were going all out on the pirate look it'd be a good spot for your spare peg leg. Or it's a fashionable way to smuggle Mexicans across the border.













Here we have John "Smith" Radzinski showing off this year's hottest Pocahantaus line. Bring out your inner native american with real leather purses and boots, sure to be full of tassles, and dont forget the latest rage in accessories, feather and bead leather necklaces. 













This shirt is the bread winner of this years fashion statements. Its some leather indian tassles short of being the perfect shirt. It combines the pirate look with the ruffles down the front all while encompassing the classic classy look of red and black flannel. Its the high seas meets back woods, class meets trash, Captain Morgan meets PBR, a combo for the ages.
















This outfit is a big pair of glasses short of Elton John. It includes another "in" thing, fur. If you're after the "I just skinned part of a polar bear" and I'm wearing every shade of off-white possible look, then this ones for you.














This dress is what they drew up back in the 60's and 70's as "clothes of the future." Did you ever notice that anything that's from the future has some metilac silver in it? Its the perfect combo of ugly colors and awful looking design to be the "in" dress of the year!














This, um, thing, was inspired by a jar of green olives.

Another "in" thing for a while, the HUGE turtleneck. Okay, I admit, they look nice when on correctly, but I think someone originally making a turtleneck sweater was like, "SHIT, look how big I made the turtleneck! Oh, well, let's go with it." And it stuck. That, or there's a company that makes turtlenecks for giraffes and adapted them to fit humans too.

Are you wearing this dress wondering, "why do people always come up and hit me with a bat when I wear this?" It's because you look like a piñata in it. Only a piñata is way better because candy comes out of it.















YAAARRRGGG Mateeeeeee. Do you hear about that new Pirate movie? It's rated ARRRRRR. It also features this ensemble of ridiculousness. 
















You'll have the Saturday Night Fever wearing this little combo from Macy's. It features EVERY bright color ever along with white pants. The only reason it comes with white pants is because no other color could match this.

















This looks like something that would be featured in the movie Beetlejuice or Tales from the Crypt. It's just ghastly. 













Ruffles, you can't have just one. 













If only this coat gave you the ability to run 80 MPH. Otherwise, I can't think of any other reason to wear this. Ever.











Joe Nameth called, he wants his sideline coat back.













Ah yes, the standard Hoochi dress. Could there be anything tighter than this? You might as well painted it on!



















Whoever made this bag makes a lot of bags and realized hey i'm wasting all of this material that is leftover. So they fooled American women into thinking that this bag of scrap materials that have nothing to do with one another and make a completly ugly bag is "cute" and so fashionable.









Holy Crap. It's like Captain hook meets Dracula in this version of Captain Vampire. The thing is, we'll actually see people wearing this, even when it's not Halloween.
















The 1700's England thinks this is modern. That or this is like the uniform for British Airways flight attendants. 














grrr. They were carrying these jeans into the store and some type of animal came out of no where and tore them up. The guy carying it into the store was like, Fuck what a waste of jeans, I'll toss them in the dumpster, or maybe we could actually throw them in the ultra clearence sale and take 90% off. The girl carrying in the other box took a look at them and said, "Clearance rack? 90% off? Ruined? put them in the big display in the front, and how much were these going for? $40 bucks? Mark em up to $90"










This is a onsie for either a really large baby, Robin Williams from that movie Jack when he's full grown at age 3, or some weird new trend they're starting up in womens sleepware (booties sold seperately)

In conclusion, we don't know what fashion's all about, obviously. Pretty soon flat-tops, LA Gear, and neon colored things will be back in for our kids' generation. It's ugly, it's bad, but it'll be back. Don't ask us how it works.

The Thanksgiving Blog!

What's not to like about Thanksgiving? Seriously. Well, let's preface that with, if you hate your family, Thanksgiving might be the worst day of the year for you. But for us with non-dysfunctional families, Thanksgiving is awesome. Of course the reason why Thanksgiving is awesome is because of the food, and that's primarily what we'll concentrate on today.

Turkey: Turkey is the Thanksgiving staple. Other than a turkey sandwich now and then do you ever even eat turkey during the rest of the year? But we all know deli meat turkey is decidedly NOT oven-roasted turkey. Turkey itself is nothing special really, it's somewhat moist unless Cousin Eddie from Vacation's Wife is cooking it, then you might need a little extra gravy. The skin is pretty much the only tasty part because thats where most of the seasoning ends up, unless you ordered "The Flavor Injector" from the makers of the Showtime Rotiserie BBQ. But simply put, turkey pretty much tastes exactly like chicken and perhaps is even a little less tasty. If you put a slice of turkey in front of someone on any day other than Thanksgiving, they'd say this is some good chicken. If you loaded a serving dish with slices of chicken and passed it around your family's table, they'd all be giving you kudos on what a great job you did with the turkey. The meat itself doesnt contain the real flavor you crave, no my friends that comes from the gravy. So it is our humble opinion that it is not turkey that makes the thanksgiving feast great, no sir. It is its wonderfully fattening brown friend, gravy.

Gravy: Gravy makes or breaks Thanksgiving. It's what you douse your otherwise flavorless turkey in, it's what you dip your bread in, you pour it on your mashed potatoes and you can even throw some on top of your apple pie if you get real adventuress. But, no matter what you use it for, if the gravy is sub par, thats the direction the day is heading. In other words, as the gravy goes, so goes your meal. For a good gravy it needs to be like Oprah, thick and dark, but not too thick or too dark. You dont want it running all over your plate just you just poured soup on your turkey, but you dont want to be scooping it out with a spoon either. The consistency is key. Some people like lumps in the gravy, but that just means you cooked it wrong.

Potatoes: Mash em, boil 'em, it doesn't matter. Potatoes in general are awesome. No wonder Ireland was crippled by the potato famine, you can have potatoes anytime, anyway and they're delicious with just about any sauce. BBQ, Ketchup, Salsa (chips), Sour Creme, Gravy, Ranch... how awesome.

Stuffing: I appreciate the efforts of the patrons who make their own home made stuffing, but the thought of stuffing should start and end at StoveTop. StoveTop stuffing is perfect. Its bursting with flavor, the chunks are the perfect size, you can make it in about 5 minutes and you can even snack on it while your waiting for the water to boil (its even better than croutons).

Cranberry sauce: Much like stuffing the "fake" cranberry sauce is so much better than the real stuff. I'll take that can with the white rapper any day over lumpy jelly with actual cranberries in it, ugh. There's nothing more satisfying than getting the cranberry "sauce" out from that can in one effort. The ridges in that are formed in that gelatin are just straight up classy. People try to class it up by putting it in a nice dish, but we all know what's going on. You can slice it, dice it, whatever, but your efforts of making it look cool are wasted so Accept it. And as mentioned before, no matter what you do, you're never topping the can taste.

Also something to think about: When the hell else do you ever eat Cranberry Sauce? The sales from cranberry sauce in a can must solely ride on the month of November.

Squash/Sweet potato: Squash is awesome. When prepared with some delicious brown sugar or even maple syrup infused, it's like having dessert on your T-Give (that's the cool way for saying Thanksgiving) plate. Sweet potato is kind of the same deal. It's orange, it's mashed, and it too is sweet and delicious.

Peas/Carrots: Forest Gump and Jen-nay goes together like peas and carrots, and peas and carrots go together good on your plate. They are essential vegetables on the table, especially when the carrots have some brown sugar on them (btw, we're all about brown sugar, but not Brown Sugar the horrible movie). The vegetable that would make sense as a Thanksgiving dish that never makes it to the table, in our house at least is corn on the cob. Thanksgiving is supposed to pay homage to the meal between the pilgrims and Indians (before the pilgrims took all the Indian's land) and you know they were noshing on some corn on the cob back then, so why don't we have it today? Another thing we don't have at today's Thanksgiving tables? Semi-naked Indians. Though I think that's something we all can be thankful for.

Pies: As if you didn't eat enough turkey and "fixins" you wake up from your triptafan-induced coma just in time for pie. Pies are the pinnacle of deserts. You can throw anything into a pie and it'll be delicious, well except mince meat (doesn't it sound like some type of rat meat). Why waste a pie by filling it with meat? (Though shepherd's pie is exception to the rule, but that's not really a T-Give deal) You already had enough meat during dinner, its time for the sweets. Throw some apples, or pumpkin, or berries or ice cream in that pie crust and you got yourself a great capper to an awesome day of the 4 F's- Fun, Feasting, Family and Fuck i'm getting fat. Actually, that's five F's.

Thanksgiving Traditions:

Seating Arrangements - You might come from a smaller family where everyone can sit around one table and enjoy the meal together, but I (Pat) come from a big family where we not only have a secondary table, but we have the "kiddie table" in which we're annexed into another room, completely out of the way. The kiddie table is created in the beginning because there isn't room at the "Adults" table for all of the kids to fit, well its fine when your little, you don't wanna sit with the boring adults anyways. Eventually the one or two oldest cousins get promoted to the adult table when they reach a certain age and like a minor league manager, you're sad to see your guy go, but your happy for them and their big promotion, they finally made it to the big show. But when you finally get to the age where you saw your cousins get promoted and your sitting at your locker waiting for the call up, it never comes, you wait around a few years and your still stuck with the little kids, playing baby sitter now, you wait a few more years and before you know it your past your prime, you're downing beers telling the young ones how you coulda been something, you coulda been a real contributor, if you had just gotten your chance. You claim that the parents didn't know what they were doing, that it was indeed THEIR fault you didn't make it to the Big Tables. Well, perhaps you just got dished some cold hard truth my friend. Perhaps it was in fact YOU that was at fault. Where your cousins started talking about politics, economy, and work, you were still talking about video games, sports, and TV. You didn't step up your game to that level and you stayed in the farm system at AAA kiddie table. But don't fret, son. Work on a politics curveball and start placing your office comments better and mix in some economy heat. Soon you'll be up in the majors.

Football - Between all of the food and naps we squeeze in some pig skin. The thing I never understood about Thanksgiving football is why do the Cowboys and Lions play every Thanksgiving? I understand the Cowboys, other than the Patiots, they are a true American sounding team name, but the Lions? Why not the Redskins? Why not have the Patriots take on the Redskins in a little old school Thanksgiving match up on a field at Plymoth Rock? Aside from that the Lions have been awful lately which brings up a lot of complaints about having to watch them get their turkeys stuffed every thanksgiving. Well as glass half full type of guys look at it like this, the game is over by the end of the first quarter or halftime at least, so its a perfect opportunity to squeeze in a nap.

But why the Lions and Cowboys?: Accroding to one website, in 1934 the teams played on Thanksgiving, and they have played on ever T-Give day ever since. But, in 1934 there were only 11 teams, and none of them were the Patriots (who were the Boston Redskins) and none from the nation's capital and more surprisingly the Cowboys were not created until 1960, so why these two teams play I'll never know. If you want my (John's) guess: Cowboys are "America's Team" and Detroit is the home to three major American Automakers, Ford, GM, and Chrysler, and really, like the Lions and American cars in general, what's more American than something doing well right now?

Naps - Naps are as intrigal to turkey day as the turkey its self. This is in fact the one holiday where not only are naps acceptable, they're expected. They've become such a part of thanksgiving that you can't imagine anything different, but if you really take a step back and think about it, its an odd thing. When else would you head over to your aunts house, eat a ton of food and follow that up by walking over to the couch, unbuttoning the button on your pants and zonking out for a good hour, only to wake up to the smell of sweet pies? Well, never.

Attire - Some families are all about the nice apparel. That's well in good. But the most important thing is that you're comfortable and have something loose fitting. There's no way you're going to be able to survive the day in some tight slacks. No way, no how. Imagine this: think about how much food you pour on the plate. Now subtract the weight of the plate from this equation. You're putting in POUNDS of food. Serious heft is to be added to the waistline in one afternoon, because you know you're absolutely starving yourself for the feast. By the time the late afternoon comes and you have been smelling all that business cooking all day, it's like you haven't seen food in weeks. That's where the loose pants come in. The last thing you want to have is tightness and discomfort on the waistband. The key to this is having some of those fancy Dockers pants that have elastic on the inside so they give a little bit.

Finally from all of us at "Pat&John on..." well, okay, from Pat and John, have a Happy Thanksgiving and give thanks for health and happiness!

The Opposites

As the blog has increased in popularity, we have begun to receive fan mail from some of our most devoted readers. Today’s blog will answer a question from one of those fans.

Billy Crapshire from Lake Shore, MI asks:

Geewilikers Pat and John, you guys sure do agree on lots of topics, is there anything you don’t agree on?Sincerely,Billy

Why yes little Billy, there are several things we disagree on. No one sees eye to on everything. In fact there are several social views we don’t see eye to eye on. But we’ll leave those for another day on a blog called, “how pat and john feel about killing babies.” For now we’ll stick with just random things we have completely and utterly opposing views on.

1. Pizza leftovers: cold vs. warm

Pat: People are always talking about the greatness of cold pizza, in fact they even named a show on ESPN about it, but its not all that its cracked up to be. I'll stick with my contention that any food intended to be served hot is better hot. If pizza was better cold then Domino's would bring that pie over in a freezer, not a high tech heat wave bag. Heating the pizza enhances the flavor, cold cheese is good, hot cheese is amazing, cold marinara sauce? eh its weird, warm marinara sauce is great on pizza, pasta and pretty much anything. Not to mention if you have toppings on that pizza, who wants to eat one cold, then warmed, then cold vegetables or meats? Doesn't sound too appetizing to me. I'll even contend that pizza re-heated can be better than the first time around. In fact, Pizza Hut's pizza is better the next day then it is when it comes fresh from the store (and yes that was a fact in my opinion). Re-Heating in the oven adds an extra crispiness factor that somehow you cant get the first time around. Cold pizza is decent at best, and when you're on the fly and you don't have time to throw it in the oven, or even nuke it for 30 seconds its a solid snack, but why settle for decent when you can enjoy as good if not better pizza then you were eating the night before?

John: Pizza is delicious when you get it at your local pizzeria or make it from frozen or whatever. There's something to be said about that fresh taste of hot pizza, but let's be honest, you're never recreating that same taste, or anything close to it again. After I've had all i can eat the first time through and throw what's left of the pie in the fridge, you can bet my pizza is not touching anything warm again, besides my mouth. The reasons are many for why pizza is better cold than warm: Firstly, you don't have to worry about burning your mouth on that sauce, which somehow maintains a surface temperature close to that of the sun. Secondly, all that unappealing grease that was standing on that business has now congealed and formed as one with the pizza. It's the classic, what you can't see, can't kill you deal. Thirdly, cold pizza, like bagel bites, can be had at ANY TIME. It's 9:00 ... it doesn't matter if it's a.m. or p.m., cold pizza's totally appropriate and delicious.

2. Mushrooms

Pat: Much like me, mushrooms are a fun-guy (bada ba) and although the thought of eating a fungus doesn't sound appealing, try eating one with no preconceived notions that its a weird thing to eat and you'll be very pleasantly surprised. Mushrooms don't even have a flavor really, they just soak up whatever they're in, and they're so versatile, toss them in a salad, cook em on a pizza, grill them up, pop them in your mouth and the walls start moving (or so I've heard/seen in Entourage) no matter what you do with them they're a good addition to any meal.

John: My reasons for hating mushrooms are simple. When you break it down scientifically, mushrooms are poisonous to the human body. What's the point? Okay, so you'd have to eat like 800 portabella mushrooms to get sick, but why should I eat something my body wasn't naturally supposed to digest in the first place? But, if the scientific reason doesn't satisfy you, I also hate mushrooms for being tasteless and slimy/flimsy.

3. Egg Salad

Pat: Whenever someone busted out that egg salad sandwich at school lunch, you know you were pissed you sat at that table. Is there a worse smell? Well probably the after effects of it, but that sandwich wreaks. They say that taste is linked to smell, so how could that taste anything remotely close to good? I used to like egg salad when I was younger, but then again I also used to like to eat paste, and you don't see me doing that anymore.

John: Egg salad is straight delicious. Hard-boiled eggs are fantastic. Mayonnaise is fantastic. Combining the two is simply incredible. Throw that biz on some toast or bread for a sandwich? So good. Who cares if your breath is rank for some time? Who are you kissing? Chances are, if you're having egg salad with your significant other, you've reached a point where the two of you can be honest with each other and say their breath stinks. So not only is egg salad awesome, but it's also a barometer for where you're at with your lady.

4.

Pat: Entourage is one of my favorite shows on television right now. The plots aren't deep and intricate, problems are resolved easily, E is a prick who I can't stand and its flashy, but its entertaining. Ari and Drama are some of the best characters on tv. And there is no way any guy isn't at least a little envious of Vince who makes bank off a few movies and gets to go jet setting around in nice cars to crazy parties, be in with the coolest people in show biz and do it all with his best friends, not bad for a kid from Queens.

John: There's nothing to like about this show, that is until it ends and Flight of the Conchords starts. It's a show about four idiotic 20-somethings who I connect with on no level. No thank you.
5.

Pat: Lost is the best show on TV and it has far too many haters. People complain that its unrealistic, they're on an island with smoke monsters and polar bears and time travel. Yeah its unrealistic, but so was Star Trek, I Dream of Genie, and Gilligan's Island (there's no way the professor could have set all of that stuff up with some coconuts and bamboo, McGyver isn't even that good) and those shows are classics, people love them. Lost doesn't claim to be based on fact, its a creative show. People also complain that nothing happens, these are the same people that complain about other shows blowing through story lines and resolving conflicts too quickly. Lost is a great show if you watch every episode, its not a show you can hop in the middle of the 2nd season and watch it when you catch it on tv. You'll be the one that's Lost, but when given the proper time, its the best show on TV.

John: Admittedly, I haven't watched this show since season 2. Apparently a lot has changed. However, after watching much of season 1, I was intrigued to continue. But watching season 2 turned me off so much. Nothing happened. nothing happened!! Oh look another episode, and oh look, we still don't know anything new. Perhaps the show has improved and I'm not giving it a fair shot, but now I'm just too stubborn and stuck in my ways to commit to this thing now.

6. Beer

Pat: Beer is great, not the first time, or the second time you have it, but it is great. Its an "acquired taste" and I know John will say why acquire the taste for something that tastes like shit? Well it doesn't taste like shit, pretty much the opposite, and no J-Rad the opposite of shit isn't piss. A nice cold beer is the most refreshing beverage you can have on a hot day. You don't like how Budweiser tastes? well that's fine try a Guiness. Think Corona is bitter? Throw a lime in it. Beer comes in many flavors but they all include the other part of beer that makes it great, alcahol. There is no other alcahol that tastes as good as beer. Try drinking a 12oz glass of Vodka or Jager and not throw up, I love beer. beery, beer, beer. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

John: Everyone loves beer right? I mean it's cold, it's refreshing, i mean what's not to love? Well everything actually. Beer is painfully bad in my book. Where should I start? It tastes and looks like urine. It's watery. It's bitter. And once that bad boy gets anywhere less than ice cold, it's quite undrinkable and makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can think of almost anything I'd rather drink than beer. Seriously. And the funny thing is, when I tell people I don't like beer, it's like I've just said, I don't like chocolate or ice cream or something. Yeah that's right nut-bag, I don't like this drink that tastes like shit. The other funny thing about not liking beer is that people always give me the same advice about learning to grow to like it. "I didn't like it at first either, you just have to keep drinking it, and it gets better." Well I've given it a fair chance, and it still sucks. The logic of doing something until you like it doesn't make much sense to me. Now this is purely hypothetical, but let's say I was someone who was into getting boned in the butt. Okay? with me? and I was like, hey, you should try it. you won't like it the first or second time, but eventually you will.First off, are you going to take my word on it? No, probably not. If you're not into it to start, it's probably not going to happen. Same with me and beer. I don't like the way it looks or smells so I probably won't like it. Now back to the anal sex...Secondly, if you did try it and then hated it, would you keep trying it until you liked it? No you wouldn't, so why is the case different with beer? It's not. I'm sorry people, I just don't like beer...or anal sex, but like Lost, i don't think I've given the latter a shot, but I have a feeling I won't be either hahaha.

7. Seafood

Pat: First off Seafood comes in many shapes, sizes and flavors. Most people lump it into one category, Seafood, but that's like saying everything else is either "Land Food" or "Air Food". Salmon tastes nothing like muscles, just as chicken tastes nothing like steak, but no matter what kind of water dwelling creature you're eating, its tasty.

John: Besides shrimp and clam chowder, there's nothing to like about sea creatures. They're fuckin weird. Fish taste fishy, lobster is expensive and unsubstantial, and oysters are slimy and chewy. And if there's bones, forget it. To me, it seems that if the only reason something is good is because there's something overpowering it, than that thing sucks to begin with. Lobster is only good because of the butter, clam chowder's only good because of everything else in it, tuna fish sandwiches are delicious because of the mayo and melted cheese, shrimp is good because of cocktail sauce, clam cakes are good because of the cakey business and the horseradish. That doesn't say much about seafood in my opinion. If I just put salt and pepper or some spices on chicken, steak, or turkey, it would still be good. If I just put salt on some salmon, it would be like, ugh, I wish this were chicken.

Conclusion:

I say Tomato, he says Tomato as well. The two of us agree on most things, but little Billy, everyone has different opinions now and then, like your parents. Your dad decided he liked the Guatamalen gardener Jose better than he liked your mom and that's why they're not living together anymore. But these differences are what make us special, make us unique, make us different. In the words of Lewis Black, "We're all little-fuck-snowflakes." At least there is one thing we can all agree on. PatandJohnOn is the best blog ever!