Beauties and the Beach - What you'll see this summer

It’s summer time which means a lot of things to a lot of people. For some it means barbecues and outdoor fun, for others it means staying in to beat the heat, hating every drop of sweat that comes down from their head and for the lucky kids of school age it means a few months of freedom. Join us as we breakdown the the wonderful time know as summer, and the people who come out during this time.

BEACH BUMS

The beach is probably the number one destination to beat the heat every summer. That is unless you live in a landlocked state like John grew up in (Arizona). In that case you’re going somewhere on vacation, likely to a beach or a lake. Vacations are a topic for another blog...

Anyway, the beach is awesome, for a couple hours at least, but then it gets kind of played. Agree or disagree about the awesomeness of the beach, what IS undeniable is that the best thing about the beach (as is the case anywhere with more than ten people) is People Watching. Here’s who you’ll inevitably see on the sand...


Speedo Guy

“Is that a lime in between that dude’s thighs?” Nope, that’s Gustav’s f-ing package in a lime-green Speedo.

There should be an outright ban on Speedos on men. Why they’re sold is beyond me. Michael Phelps doesn’t even look good in a Speedo, therefore, you’re not looking good in a speedo. The worst offenders are Europeans. It’s definitely a cultural thing, which is weird because the Euros are so much better at dressing themselves than us US Americans. Ever go to a European city and just walk around? Everyone looks like they got they’re filming a J Crew commercial. But throw them on a beach and the suave style goes out the window. While the Eurpoeans do give you the pleasure of women showing their tots (which should be customary here, although my comment is exactly the reason it’s not), men are leaving nothing to the imagination. There’s nothing attractive about it. Especially because it’s normally overweight dudes that rock this look and their fat is hanging over the front lip of the Speedo. Not only is it barely keeping two balls in check, the Speedo now is being asked to hold the fat from flopping completely over the waist.  

Pale Man

For pale people, summer must blow. Having to re-apply the SPF 80 every 8 minutes must be awful, but it’s awfully necessary, unless they want to look like a human Austrian flag after a day at the beach. Pales should just stay away from the beach all together. The glare alone to us Non-Pales is reason enough. But also, after applying their sun shielding kit: sun block on the nose (the only thing whiter than their skin) and a hat from the set of Gilligan’s Island, Powder’s cousin over here is even more ridiculous looking than Speedo Guy. Naturally as people watchers like ourselves do, we have to at the train wreck. Unfortunately our eyes just can’t handle that kind of white, because it’s not ever really represented in the color spectrum. 

 

Afraid of the water and/or sea creatures guy

John has admitted many times that sea creatures are not his favorite thing in this world. Reason for that is, if I ran into a bear or some sort of lion, I know I’d be F’d. But at least I have my wits about me on land. In the sea, you’re in their territory. Helpless. They say to punch a shark on the nose if it comes at you. How? Have you tried moving fast like that in the water? Your hand coming at the shark is just making it easier for the shark to eat.

But the worst thing about sea creatures is they create an irrational fear of anything else in the water. Seaweed go past your leg? Might as well be a 12’ moray eel. A rock making a mysterious shadow? That’s definitely a sting ray ready to go Steve Irwin you. Someone say something that sounds like shark? Hope you like being pushed into the water, because I’m doing anything I can to save my own skin.

Side note: Sorry to Mrs. Irwin if she’s reading this. But not the daughter. She’s annoying. Too Soon? Oh and also, remember all those facebook hate groups that came out against sting rays following the croc hunter’s death? That was all the rage for a hot second.  

The Tanner

Usually a chick, but as we’ve learned from the boys of Jersey shore, its not a gender exclusive activity. (Side note: They spent 2 summers at the Jersey shore and 1 in Miami, how many days did they go to the beach? 3 total? The truth is, people that love tanning stay far away from nature’s tanning bed).

The Tanner has a mission, get as dark as humanly possible. Unless, that is mom and dad gave you your tan... a line that was once uttered to my dad when he asked a waitress at Dave and Buster’s how she stayed so tan in the winter (smacks forehead).  

Anyway, Tanners get to the beach early with the goal of having their skin run through at least 3 nationalities that day. They are the antithesis of “Pale Man” and sunscreen is their enemy.

olds) a chubby by untying the bikini strap when they’re on their stomach. God forbid there’s a line of white across that black back. Then again what do I care? I’ve got a free show at some squished side-boob.

Tanners leave the beach a color somewhere between lobster and brick, but they consider it mission accomplished because don’t worry, it’ll turn into a tan, just give it a few days.   

The Reader 

The ocean has mystified men since the dawn of time. So fast, so powerful, so blue, ‘god’s masterpiece.’ This guy doesn't know anything about that because from the second he throws the beach chair down and buries the umbrella on the ground he’s lost in the latest Agatha Christi novel and his head isn't peaking up until the sun sets. And don’t think for a second that he's stopping to can gaze at the sunset’s beauty. He's stopped because the light is low and its hurting his eyes. Time to go home.

Some of the beach readers have been brought up to speed with the 21st century and have traded in their kindling for a kindle, or iPad. While not having to haul all 800 pages of “The Book of Basketball” is nice, do you really want to bring your new expensive toy to a place covered with sand and water? And tell me you can read that iPad in the suns glare and I’ll tell you you’re a liar, sir.

Terrible athlete Trying to Play Sports

Beaches are great to play a various array of sports. Hell, beach volleyball is its own Olympic sport. Either way, playing football, catch with that Velcro ball and paddle thing, paddle-ball, etc is a beach must, especially John. The thing is, the beach appeals to everyone and sometimes the non-athlete in that person rears its ugly head. Throwing a football on the beach is amazing, except when the person throwing it back to you might as well just run and hand it back. Also classic: the father who gets frustrated at his son for being athletically deficient. Ah, lasting family memories... Just let your kid design a sand castle, he’s not interested in learning the proper follow-through technique on throwing a football.

Girls hating other girls

AKA the hot chick that’s wearing the thong. Or the girl that’s rocking a bathing suit that looks crazy good. Or the girl that’s slightly more tan. Or the girl that’s got a wiggle to her walk. Or the girl that kind of glanced your way. Or the girl that’s got the nicer sunglasses. Or the girl that’s drawing more attention to herself. Or the girl that’s impressing the boys with her volleyball skills. or basically any other girl on the beach. Bottom line is, your girlfriend hates all the chicks. Because as soon as the bathing suit is put on, the competition is ON like King Kong.

And men: we think we’re sly, but we’re not. Your girl knows that the reason you put on your sunglasses is so you could stare at other skanks walking by while you pretend to read. And if she doesn’t know that, then she’s dumb, and you should get a new GF who’s grounded in reality. You see a girl that’s a 10, with about that percentage of her body covered and it’s like you don’t even have a choice but look. Your girlfriend will throw out the, “wow is she really wearing that? ugh she’s so fake looking,” line. A real veteran boyfriend will beat the GF to the punch though by saying, oh man, check out that skank. Christ, what a slut. I’m so glad you don’t look like that.

Not Dressed for the beach guy  

You have 2 options for footwear at the beach, sandals or nothing, and up top you’re rocking a bathing suit and a t shirt. Well this hombre plays by his own set of rules or he’s on vacation and didn’t pack a swimsuit, because here he comes to the beach in his cargo shorts and tennis shoes. I’ve even seen this guy rocking jeans before, JEANS. Is there a worse beach outerwear product than jeans? I wouldn’t know, because you’ll never see me at the beach with material covering my shins.

Why’s he dressed like he’s heading for a walk in the woods? He “doesnt like the feel of sand” and he’s “not a big swimming in the ocean guy”. I’ve got an idea for you, don’t come to the beach! If this guy decides to cut loose and go for a walk along the water just to “get his feet wet” you know he’s throwing his wallet and phone in his shoes and leaving them at his base camp, not a smooth move. The ‘wallet in the shoe’ move is so played that the last person to get away with it must have been doing it around the time when people were putting their car keys in their visors.

GRILL MASTER FLEX

He may be a little too into the grill scene and his apron that reads, “Grill Master: The Man, The Myth, The Legend” which he thinks is hilarious. This is the same fool who grills outside in the winter time. I mean he had to practice the craft at some point, right? The thing is Grill Guy doesn’t care how his food tastes. He just wants your complements and the praise from the group. “Oh man, Dave, thanks for grilling, this is awesome, bla bla.” People always ask him what he does to make it so good. “What’s in this, oh man it’s delicious!” And the grill guy plays it off like it’s no big thing. “Oh you know, just a little roasted pepper truffle oil, a dash of paprika, and some marinated shallots. And i let that sit overnight... bla bla bla.”

Of course grill guy loves being grill guy so much that he’ll leave out the one key ingredient so that when you cook it, it sucks. Whatever, i guess i can put up with the pompous attitude toward sticking meat on a hot surface. I’ll even overlook the “Grillmaster: the man, the myth, the legend apron he’s sporting. I want to eat.

IT’S TOO HOT GUY

Also know as “It’s too cold guy” in the winter. This guy uses the weather as his go to excuse for never wanting to do anything. There’s nothing he likes more than sitting on his couch and watching people doing activities he never will be doing on TV. Trying to get a pickup basketball game together and need a 8th guy? Don’t bother trying to lure this baby out of his well because you’ll never catch him out in that 78-degree scorcher.

What gets a song played?

I was in a club the other day, not drunk enough to start dancing I paid close attention to the music videos that were playing and the music in general.  I started noticing patterns in the songs, there were some that told people what to do, some that talked about the night and some that singled out people.  Just about all of the songs started fitting into different categories in my head, these categories didn't make the songs hits, but they definitely helped get them played.  Which lead me to think, what do you put in a song if you want it to get some airtime?  Sounds like a job for Pat and John. Jobs not for Pat and John include: Indoor plumbing, car repair, and parenting (at least not that we know of). 

Instructions

Some songs give us instructions.  They tell us what to do, sometimes its a feeling like don’t worry, be happy or to take it easy but a lot of the time a song obtains hit status by simply telling us what to do when that song is on. Case in point, YMCA. Here is a very forgettable song by a gang of leather daddies and civil servants letting us know where to stay if we want to “hang out with all the boys”, but 40+ years after the village people first yelled, “YOUNG MEN” this song is a mainstay in the lexicon of our society.  The reason?  White guys can perform the steps. It’s simple, throw your hand out there and point at someone while moving side to side while they’re yelling all the young men business and then turn your body into a human sesame street (song is brought to you by the letter G) sponsor by throwing your hands up and creating a somewhat recognizable YMCA.


Also see: Put your hands in the air, the cha cha slide, the electric slide


Talk about tonight
It’s a night, why not make it a good night?  The Black Eyed Peas were all over that with Gotta Feeling.  Since that song hit the airways earlier this decade, everyone at any event has “got a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night” (la heim).  While The BEP’s set their sites on a more manageable “good night”, Bill Medley aggressively said I’ve had the time of my life. Now, everything has lyrics with making the most of your night. Just look at the iTunes top 10 most downloaded songs.
1. Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO
3. Last Friday Night - Katy Perry
4. Tonight tonight - Hot Chelle Rae
8. Superbass - Nicki Minaj
9. Give me Everything - Pitbull

All these songs tell us about something that happened tonight, or last night, or something we should do tonight. Think about it...

Which leads us to the next point: Another way to get your song some time is just put the day of the week in it, Monday, Monday, Tuesday’s Gone, Friday,  Saturday Nights Alright, Blue Sunday have all taken the calendar route to airplay.  If you notice the pattern here, Wednesday and Thursday are still available for any budding Becca Blacks out there. Someone has had to have made a song regarding Thirsty Thursday right? If not, get on that. You’ve got a hit on your hand because you’ll corner the entire Thursday market. And if it’s got a hip hop beat, that ish is being played everywhere.


Event
"It’s your birthday, we gonna party like it’s your birthday" and “They say it’s your birthday” are some lyrics you’re going to hear pouring through the speakers telling you to “drink Bacardi” and “have a good time” at any birthday party.  When June comes around you know you’ll be finding out that “School’s out for the summer, school’s out forever” and all you have to do is open your ears after Halloween to know “Santa Clause is coming to town”

Christmas music has taken writing a song about an event to a whole new level.  There isn't any other holiday or even that even has a song written about it that isn't by Adam Sandler (Hanukkah song and Turkey Song).  Someone decided that Christmas needs it’s own genre of music, Christmas music.  There are probably 2, maybe 3 Christmas songs that could hold up as a “good song” against any other actual “good song” but since it talks about St. Nick or the snow falling, Grandma got run over by a reindeer gets as much airplay in November and December as any Arcade Fire song has gotten over the last five years.

Group of People
There are 3 certainties in life, Death, Taxes and  ring-hungry single ladies will always inhabit the world. So Beyonce knew just what she was doing when she proclaimed “if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it”.  Not only is she always going to have people who claim that song is made for them, but what is the #1 group of people that dance at any event? You guessed it, our gay friends. But Single ladies aren't far behind. This formula of hitting a group of people is pretty fool proof. Whether you “feel like a woman,” or are a “single lady,” or a “man eater,” you’ve got something that says, yeah, I’m empowered. And if you like all 3 of those songs, you also could belong to another group: Lesbians, in which case see: “I kissed a girl and I liked it”

City
Creating a song about a city is like being a beat writer for the local little league. Someone from the neighboring town wont care about it, but the people in your geography will be bumping your work in their scrapbook/iTunes for years to come.
You cant leave Fenway after a sox game without hearing “awwwwww Boston you’re my home” or Yankee stadium without “New York, Newwwww yorkkkkkkkk”, although its not fool proof in that, I’m sure that in Iraq they don’t play Bombs over Bagdad at the end of every donkey fight.


Who has taken a trip to Miami after 1998 without hearing “welcome to Miami bienvenido a Miami” playing through their head?  And even after we know that the Mommas and the Poppas singer John Phillips was boning his daughter we’re still California Dreaming when we think of the Golden State. In fact California alone has a litany of songs. The Flaming Lips made California maybe the most addicting chorus of all time using just the state’s name. It also was the theme song unfortunately to the OC.

Thanks to 2pac i know “California knows how to party.” Snoop Dogg taught me that LBC is the cool way to say Long Beach, and just about any west coast rapper has informed me through the art of rhyme that south central LA and Compton are probably places I don’t want to be dippin’ through any time soon.


Rappers love talking about their hometown. Who needs to look up a rapper on google to see where they’re from? You just need to listen to 1 out of 5 songs. Jay Z, we know he’s reppin BK, as did Biggie. Dr. Dre hails from Compton but sticks out for other hoods. Hell even Nelly was proud to be from St. Louis.


Bottom line, Just about every place has a song. And if it didn’t have a song, Johnny Cash took care of that.



Sports Related
The 2nd cousin of the “City based songs” are the “Sports Related” songs.  It doesn't matter how crappy a song it is, if its about a sport or team it’s going to get played.  Case in point, that awful “Play ball!” song that gets played 81 times a year (plus playoffs) at Fenway after the little boy with sickle cell yells play ball into the mike.  


Some sports songs can actually hold up on their own, but they’re rare.  For every We are the champions (REALLY played out, but a pretty epic song) there are 10 Centerfield’s.


Create a dance that goes with it
If you create a dance to go with your song right off the bat, you don't even need to try when you make the song.  Case in point- The Macarana.  Did anyone ever know the words to that song other than “ehhhhhhh Macarana, AYE”?  (except when your Spanish teacher made you translate it for a homework assignment)  The rest of the Spanish yabbering in that might as well have been fake words for all we cared because we’re focusing too hard on remembering that the hands go on your hips and THEN you do that little wiggle right before you doing a quarter turn jump and yell AYE.  


Every 5 years someone comes out with some sort of move that goes with a song. Hava naglia anyone? The hokey pokey, twist, cotton eyed joe, c’mon ride it (the train), loco-motion, aforementioned YMCA. How many more dances can there be. Apparently not enough because Soulja Boy taught me how to Superman dat Ohhh. And what’s best is, he didn’t even think of a creative title for his dance. In the 2nd line he just tells us Soulja Boy is the name of the dance. That’s clever marketing.


And now? We’re all being taught how to Dougie.“Teach me how to Dougie” is repeated 12 times in the 3 min song, the song was made to teach you how to “Dougie” and the “Dougie” was made so you’d listen to that song, BRILLIANT. And what makes it even better, You can’t do it wrong, because hey as long as “you do you, I'm a do me,” it’s all good.


Sampling old song
Can’t come up with your own song that’ll get played?  Just steal some old song, throw a filter over it to make it sound semi different and sandwich the chorus with 4 lines of rap that don't even have to go with the original song, it’ll get played, just ask Sean Kingston.


Make up your own word
Missing that hook to get your song the right amount of cashe?  Make a word up.  Where would Kid Rock be today without the word, Bawitdaba?  And aside from being a Joker and speaking of the pompetous of love, Steve Miller is also adding words to Websters.


USA
Much like Christmas songs, if you throw USA in a song you’re at least getting played once a year during fireworks, throw a nice beat with it and the sky’s the limit.  Look no further than the Vietnam protest song that is Born in the USA.  If you asked 100 people what their favorite patriotic song was, at least 83 would come back with Bruce’s tale of going to “kill the yellow man,” why’s that?  Because hearing that drum beat and yelling BORN IN THE USA is as good as it gets, who cares about the rest?


In general, most Americans are sheep, and our pro-America boner we all have instilled into us from kindergarten (pledging allegiance), feeds a deep-rooted need to have patriotic crap thrown our way. That’s why anytime we can whip out the U-S-A chant, we’re doing it. I mean, Born in the USA is hardly patriotic, hence the Boss didn’t want Reagan using it for his stump speeches on his campaign. But the be all and end all of patriotic songs, is the over-the-top “God Bless the USA,” by Lee Greenwood. Comedian David Cross has a great bit about this.

Basically he shits on Greenwood for making this song, but you know he would never really “Stand up next to you and defend her still today,” if actually called to serve.  



Word that everyone can scream out
When everyone’s getting glossy eyed at a concert, ballgame or wedding all they want is something simple.  Well there’s plenty of air play to cash in on if you give it to them.  Until Glinter went all Jacko on some kids in the Philippines, getting to yell “HEY” 15 times for every Patriots touchdown was better than the six points themselves.  And at a wedding who doesn't love yelling “Hey, Hey, Hey, Heyyyyyyyyy” right after you slowly raise yourself back up from the ground while getting progressively louder?

And now an addition from "Pat and John On..." correspondent Ian Palombo

"Only getting airtime because the artist is young, good-looking, and most likely underage".
These artists aren't good, nor would they ever be heard if the person singing they were 50 pounds overweight, and really brought it home during the french horn solo. Think about it, no one actually liked the god awful sound emitted from Rebecca Black or Selena Gomez's face, but you didn't mind watching their video when your creepy friend posted it on Facebook. The worst part is the parents.. They get to play cute by enabling their daughter's "Beiber Fever". Ya well, I'm on to you. Spending all night camped out to get tickets to Beiber's show, was the nicest thing you've done for your Sally since Dad scored tickets for the whole family to the opening of the new High School Musical movie. (Vanessa Hudgens, anyone?)

The Over Informed Age- Part Deux

BLOG #2

PHONES

Phones started out as a glorified pager, but unlike beepers, had the ability to call (for about $4 per minute) right at the scene instead of having to respond to a “911” alert on your beeper, and run to a pay phone (remember those things?). But that’s all changed. They have gone from something you have in case of an emergency, to being so important that it’s actually an emergency if you don’t have it on you. They’ve replaced the wallet in terms of importance because you likely have as much financial information accessible on your phone as you do in your bi-fold.

That’s why going somewhere without your phone might as well be the same as going out with no clothes on. You’re stripped of technology. Even if you haven’t used your phone in several hours, the fact that you KNOW you don’t have that thing on you is going to drive you nuts. “But how am I going to look up what other movies Steve Buschemi has been in, whilst I walk to get lunch?” You’re not, and you’re lunch routine is ruined.

If we can compare phones to evolution (personally I believe God dropped smartphones from the heavens) the classic Nokia 3390--better known as ‘the brick’--is the equivalent of that first fish that grew legs and walked on land. The Zack Morris special was definitely the thing that we trace all modern phones to; the phone version of amoebas. But the 3390 was the first one to make cell phones accessible for everyone. And the amazing thing is, you can whack your simcard into that badboy right now, and it’s making a crystal clear call, til the battery craps out 20 minutes in.  The phone was indestructible. I once fully submerged my 3390 in water after jumping straight into a pool. A 15-minute hair dryer session later and that thing was back in full use.

“The brick’s” greatest feature though was the ability to guide a growing line toward a small square (supposedly an apple). They called this game Snake. But I called it, “I have to beat Charlie’s score, if it’s the last thing I do.” Everyone had that friend. The friend that posted a mean score and when they said it, it might as well have been Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak or saying you rocked a 1600 on the SATs. But when you got your next phone (likely a Motorola Razr) and it didn’t have Snake, that friend had to boast about something else. Most likely some sort of arbitrary number on Guitar Hero.

Anyway, much like facebook took all of our existing social needs and threw them into a web page, smart phones have taken our duffel bag full of electronics and thrown them into 1 soap bar shaped device. Our Smart phones have officially replaced our needs for anything. Your brain included. I bet if your heart stopped beating, there’s an app for that.

Like the 3390--and pretty much Nokia in general--many devices we all know and love have now been relegated to collecting dust. Remember belt clips that dudes used to wear? They wore those because there was no room left in their pockets. It got so bad that Dockers even developed “technology pants” with like 5 internal front pockets to hold all your shit. Exhibitionists, skeeves, and pervs also enjoyed these pants because it made touching themselves less noticeable. But now, we just need normal pockets again and people with belt clips make life easier for me because if I see someone with a belt clip, I know they can generally be disregarded. I don’t want to be friends with someone who with a belt clip. Unless that person is Batman.

List of things you used to carry around:

iPods

Remember on The Office when Ryan says, “I wish my iPod touch could make calls?” Michael responds that he should get an iPhone, to which Ryan lashes back, “no, it’s different.” I still feel it is different. If you’re running an android phone, I hate playing music through that thing. The interface is awful, and after 10 years of using iPods, I’m just hooked on that as my music device.  (apparently John hasn’t discovered the Amazon MP3 app and all of its cloud based glory).

Pat’s right.

But I realize that for most people, iPods are going the way of the dodo, much like how iPods sent CD’s packing. The only reason to really have an iPod anymore is for working out and unless you have the Apple Rice Chex--that is the Nano--you might as well just use your phone anyway.

Calendars

Unless you’re old school, or just old, the days of the “day-timer” are numbered. Not sure when you scheduled that “happy ending” massage? It’s right there on your smart phone and it’s been “pushed” to your calendar on your home computer and work computer. And the best part is, your phone will remind you, “hey it’s time to get a rub and tug” by sending a strong vibration down your inner thigh to get you ready.

Cameras

Remember when you had to have that casio for your graduation present?  It was slim (read: 2 inches thick) has a 1 inch LED screen and 3 mega pixels, THREE.  Well now your tiny smart phone is rocking an HD-capable lens on the back. I could make the argument that when I know I’m going be taking pictures ahead of time, I still rock my real digital camera. Because who wants 30 over-exposed or blurry pics from their cell phone for their vacation to the Bahamas?

But, what makes phone cameras awesome is that you have it on you all the time. Car burst into flames on the side of the road? Snap! You see Jake Gyllenhaal on the train? Snap! You see a funny sign outside McDonald’s that says “Have you tried our 100% Anus burger”? SNAP! Is someone begging not to be tazed bro? Snap AND Record! All these candid moments used to go unnoticed except to all those that saw it in person. And since everyone is a liar, I never believe anything they would say, so this gives proof.

But, as great as this sounds, the ability to turn everything into a Kodak moment has lead to me knowing what too many celebrity penises look like. It’s not just celebrities though. If my phone is left by itself for a minute, and people are drunk, I’ll go and check my pics gallery 2 weeks later and wonder who left that picture of their testicle on there. Everyone has that friend. (TP, I’m looking at you).

Leaving a camera in the hands of a horny dude who thinks everyone wants some of him is a problem, especially when this camera can automatically deliver said picture to any skank he scores a number from.  Cameras on phones have turned into a safety-less loaded gun.  We can only hope that in the near future our cameras will recognize the dong that’s about to be sent out and put mysteriously in some void, like a sexting Purgatory. Or at the very least the phone can auto-photo shop a few more inches, see: Farve, Brett).

Camcorders
You’re not going to be filming your family trip to Disney (does anyone actually go back and watch those by the way?) on your phone any time soon, but we’ve already seen how having a video camera at your disposal at all times has affected us. YouTube has become a multi-billion dollar company because of it. Is your dog barking in a way that makes it sound like he’s saying “I love you?” Congrats man. You’ve got 50,000,000 views in the palm of your hand.

Computers

What do you use your computer for 95% of the time?  Browsing the internet? checking email? checking facebook? read our blog? youtube? twitter? games? read our blog? porn? reading our blog? Well my friend, put the laptop aside and bust out the smart phone, your sweaty lap will thank you for it... well that’s what the smartphone companies tell us. Phones are great, but they have their limitations. They’re constantly getting better, but they’re just not fast enough unless the website you’re looking up has a mobile web site or an app. (Read: John doesnt have 4G yet and/or a wifi connection). (read: correction -- John has a wi-fi connection, but i still rather use a computer for web browsing).  

Home Phones

There used to be these things that people had attached to the wall in their kitchen, you’d call it and have to ask for the member of the family you wanted to talk to by name, which lead to 10 min of small talk with their parents followed by a oh you wanted to speak with Scotty? he’s not here, I don't know where he went.

Well now not only can you call him directly (not that he’ll answer, because no one wants to actually talk to you friends when you can text them), but could you bust out his exact GPS location. Does anyone under the age of 30 even have a house phone?  Unless your “Comcast Triple Play” is saving you more money by having a phone line than not having it (not that you actually hook a phone up to the line)  the answer to that is No.

Remembering People’s Numbers, or Anything Else Really.
Before I had a cell phone I could rattle off at least 20 people’s phone numbers. Now I don't even know my sister’s. Much like the rest of the tech world, all of our phone numbers, schedules, pictures, memories, mail, important documents and relationships are one high powered magnet away from being erased forever. If only that would work for certain parts of my brain--Read: it already does for John, who has probably the worst memory I’ve ever seen.

John: What? I write a blog with Pat?

GPS
We’ll discuss the greatness of GPS’s in a later blog, but TomTom better hold off on buying that 2nd house in Malibu because dedicated GPS’s wont be around much longer.  Without getting too repetitive (see: this whole entry)  why would we need to buy something that does one thing when we already have that same GPS shooting cancer rays into our balls sitting in our pocket?

Gaming Systems
Xbox, Playstation and Wii don't have to sweat too much on this one, but while gaming systems are great for intricate, realistic looking video games you can get just as much entertainment out of your phone.  Phone games have evolved a long way from snake and solitaire.  You can play scrabble against all of your friends, you can fling birds at pigs (if they’re already angry, how do you think they’ll be feeling after getting shot into a wooden pyramid), you can cut ropes and fend off zombies with plants, and all while you’re sitting on the can at work. Phones have proven that no matter how good graphics are, what’s most important is playability and fun. But the key with phone games is that they’re not deeply involved. I just want simple tasks. It’s all about something I can play for 8 minutes whilst I poop or 30 minutes while I take the train home, but just as easily put down.

Lists

Who needs paper?  I could write my grocery list on a piece of paper, but will that paper suggest coupons to me based on what I'm buying? or magically sync my grocery list with my girlfriends? Nope.  I could remind myself to write a blog about how awful curry smells by putting a post-it note on my desk, but does that post-it note follow me around and remind me every 10 min? does that post it note buzz or make loud noises when i forget to do it? No.

Watches/Alarm clocks

Those things on your wrist that used to tell you what time it was and those boxes next to your bed that made that god awful sound are long gone.  (John still uses an old school alarm clock. I’m too cumbersome and just want to mash keys and hit snooze).

As it is, you check your phone every 3.5 seconds to see if anything new happened, you don’t need something on your wrist doubling up on that info, making “Fossil” a self fulfilling prophecy of a brand name.  Your phone is charging next to your bed every night, why not have that wake you up? The only downside there is that it kills the “I didn't know today was daylight savings/ the power must have gone out in the middle of the night and re-set my clock to 12:00” excuses for being late in the morning. But it does add the “I forgot to charge my phone and it died in the middle of the night,” excuse.

Smart phones have also:

Ended All Debates

You’re at the bar with your buddies talking about how awful the last transformers movie was, when suddenly one of your buddies claims that some chick he knows was naked in Hot Tub Time Machine. Life might as well have just ended right there because you KNOW that’s not true. In the the past your friend would begin to realize he’s wrong but just end the debate with the, “we’ll agree to disagree” move, or “This is America, you can think what you like,” patriot cop out. Not anymore.  Now you pull out that IMDB app and boom, you see she’s been in the same amount of movies as all of you combined, 0.  The chick that was naked in HTTM was actually the chick from Mad Men and as you pull up Mr. Skin to check out the scene he’s talking about, you’re buddy is already changing the topic to how good he thought John Ham was in the last James Bond movie.

Let us know what every one's doing

The question what’d you do last night or how was your weekend have changed from actual questions to simple pleasantries thanks to smart phones.  As your friend is listing out all of the stuff that he did that weekend, you zone out and answer a text because you already know exactly what he did.  You saw him check in at McSully’s on Friday night on foursquare, saw that he drank 6 Budweisers, a Harp and 3 German beers you cant pronounce on Untappd, caught his twitpic of that late night crab rangoon and heard about his banging headache the next day via his, I’m never drinking again claim in his facebook status Saturday at 9:06 AM.

Smart phones have given us the ability to bring everyone we know with us everywhere and have simultaneously taken us away from where we are.  We’ve decided that it’s more important to update the world on what we’re doing then it is to do what we’re doing.

But they’re not perfect

Battery

GPS, Camera, Movies, Internet all on a 5 inch screen have its obvious perks as we’ve discussed, but you know the second you start streaming the Office on your Netflix app, you’re not even gonna get to hear the first note of the theme song, because that is 2 min into the episode, and your battery will be long dead by then.

I’m sure 2 years from now our phone will run on upper thigh sweat and we wont have to worry about the battery crapping out every 2 hours, but for now technology has made our phones a major cock tease- Powerful enough to do whatever we want, but only lasting long enough to send 3 texts and check the clock 4 times.

Dead zones
Much like the battery, the phone is only as good as the connection you have.  Besides playing a game against yourself or the “computer” you cant do much with your phone if you’re in a dead zone.  It’s like having 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, which isn't all that ironic, don't you think?

Video Chat Every time a phone from the future was shown in a movie or TV show there was a screen on top of it with the the person on the other line’s face.  Video phones were straight where we were heading, we’ve been there for a little while now and how often do you use that? Once, twice a year?  And those 2 times were to show your buddy how cool your phone was.  We’ve realized that actually seeing the person on the other end of the line isn't all its cracked up to be.  It really negates the point of the phone, you have to be fully clothed, not on the can, not playing video games while you’re talking and giving 100% attention to the person on the little screen in front of you.  If we wanted to go through all of that hassle, we’d just meet up in person, and that is exactly what we’re trying to avoid.