The Over Informed Age- Part Deux

BLOG #2

PHONES

Phones started out as a glorified pager, but unlike beepers, had the ability to call (for about $4 per minute) right at the scene instead of having to respond to a “911” alert on your beeper, and run to a pay phone (remember those things?). But that’s all changed. They have gone from something you have in case of an emergency, to being so important that it’s actually an emergency if you don’t have it on you. They’ve replaced the wallet in terms of importance because you likely have as much financial information accessible on your phone as you do in your bi-fold.

That’s why going somewhere without your phone might as well be the same as going out with no clothes on. You’re stripped of technology. Even if you haven’t used your phone in several hours, the fact that you KNOW you don’t have that thing on you is going to drive you nuts. “But how am I going to look up what other movies Steve Buschemi has been in, whilst I walk to get lunch?” You’re not, and you’re lunch routine is ruined.

If we can compare phones to evolution (personally I believe God dropped smartphones from the heavens) the classic Nokia 3390--better known as ‘the brick’--is the equivalent of that first fish that grew legs and walked on land. The Zack Morris special was definitely the thing that we trace all modern phones to; the phone version of amoebas. But the 3390 was the first one to make cell phones accessible for everyone. And the amazing thing is, you can whack your simcard into that badboy right now, and it’s making a crystal clear call, til the battery craps out 20 minutes in.  The phone was indestructible. I once fully submerged my 3390 in water after jumping straight into a pool. A 15-minute hair dryer session later and that thing was back in full use.

“The brick’s” greatest feature though was the ability to guide a growing line toward a small square (supposedly an apple). They called this game Snake. But I called it, “I have to beat Charlie’s score, if it’s the last thing I do.” Everyone had that friend. The friend that posted a mean score and when they said it, it might as well have been Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak or saying you rocked a 1600 on the SATs. But when you got your next phone (likely a Motorola Razr) and it didn’t have Snake, that friend had to boast about something else. Most likely some sort of arbitrary number on Guitar Hero.

Anyway, much like facebook took all of our existing social needs and threw them into a web page, smart phones have taken our duffel bag full of electronics and thrown them into 1 soap bar shaped device. Our Smart phones have officially replaced our needs for anything. Your brain included. I bet if your heart stopped beating, there’s an app for that.

Like the 3390--and pretty much Nokia in general--many devices we all know and love have now been relegated to collecting dust. Remember belt clips that dudes used to wear? They wore those because there was no room left in their pockets. It got so bad that Dockers even developed “technology pants” with like 5 internal front pockets to hold all your shit. Exhibitionists, skeeves, and pervs also enjoyed these pants because it made touching themselves less noticeable. But now, we just need normal pockets again and people with belt clips make life easier for me because if I see someone with a belt clip, I know they can generally be disregarded. I don’t want to be friends with someone who with a belt clip. Unless that person is Batman.

List of things you used to carry around:

iPods

Remember on The Office when Ryan says, “I wish my iPod touch could make calls?” Michael responds that he should get an iPhone, to which Ryan lashes back, “no, it’s different.” I still feel it is different. If you’re running an android phone, I hate playing music through that thing. The interface is awful, and after 10 years of using iPods, I’m just hooked on that as my music device.  (apparently John hasn’t discovered the Amazon MP3 app and all of its cloud based glory).

Pat’s right.

But I realize that for most people, iPods are going the way of the dodo, much like how iPods sent CD’s packing. The only reason to really have an iPod anymore is for working out and unless you have the Apple Rice Chex--that is the Nano--you might as well just use your phone anyway.

Calendars

Unless you’re old school, or just old, the days of the “day-timer” are numbered. Not sure when you scheduled that “happy ending” massage? It’s right there on your smart phone and it’s been “pushed” to your calendar on your home computer and work computer. And the best part is, your phone will remind you, “hey it’s time to get a rub and tug” by sending a strong vibration down your inner thigh to get you ready.

Cameras

Remember when you had to have that casio for your graduation present?  It was slim (read: 2 inches thick) has a 1 inch LED screen and 3 mega pixels, THREE.  Well now your tiny smart phone is rocking an HD-capable lens on the back. I could make the argument that when I know I’m going be taking pictures ahead of time, I still rock my real digital camera. Because who wants 30 over-exposed or blurry pics from their cell phone for their vacation to the Bahamas?

But, what makes phone cameras awesome is that you have it on you all the time. Car burst into flames on the side of the road? Snap! You see Jake Gyllenhaal on the train? Snap! You see a funny sign outside McDonald’s that says “Have you tried our 100% Anus burger”? SNAP! Is someone begging not to be tazed bro? Snap AND Record! All these candid moments used to go unnoticed except to all those that saw it in person. And since everyone is a liar, I never believe anything they would say, so this gives proof.

But, as great as this sounds, the ability to turn everything into a Kodak moment has lead to me knowing what too many celebrity penises look like. It’s not just celebrities though. If my phone is left by itself for a minute, and people are drunk, I’ll go and check my pics gallery 2 weeks later and wonder who left that picture of their testicle on there. Everyone has that friend. (TP, I’m looking at you).

Leaving a camera in the hands of a horny dude who thinks everyone wants some of him is a problem, especially when this camera can automatically deliver said picture to any skank he scores a number from.  Cameras on phones have turned into a safety-less loaded gun.  We can only hope that in the near future our cameras will recognize the dong that’s about to be sent out and put mysteriously in some void, like a sexting Purgatory. Or at the very least the phone can auto-photo shop a few more inches, see: Farve, Brett).

Camcorders
You’re not going to be filming your family trip to Disney (does anyone actually go back and watch those by the way?) on your phone any time soon, but we’ve already seen how having a video camera at your disposal at all times has affected us. YouTube has become a multi-billion dollar company because of it. Is your dog barking in a way that makes it sound like he’s saying “I love you?” Congrats man. You’ve got 50,000,000 views in the palm of your hand.

Computers

What do you use your computer for 95% of the time?  Browsing the internet? checking email? checking facebook? read our blog? youtube? twitter? games? read our blog? porn? reading our blog? Well my friend, put the laptop aside and bust out the smart phone, your sweaty lap will thank you for it... well that’s what the smartphone companies tell us. Phones are great, but they have their limitations. They’re constantly getting better, but they’re just not fast enough unless the website you’re looking up has a mobile web site or an app. (Read: John doesnt have 4G yet and/or a wifi connection). (read: correction -- John has a wi-fi connection, but i still rather use a computer for web browsing).  

Home Phones

There used to be these things that people had attached to the wall in their kitchen, you’d call it and have to ask for the member of the family you wanted to talk to by name, which lead to 10 min of small talk with their parents followed by a oh you wanted to speak with Scotty? he’s not here, I don't know where he went.

Well now not only can you call him directly (not that he’ll answer, because no one wants to actually talk to you friends when you can text them), but could you bust out his exact GPS location. Does anyone under the age of 30 even have a house phone?  Unless your “Comcast Triple Play” is saving you more money by having a phone line than not having it (not that you actually hook a phone up to the line)  the answer to that is No.

Remembering People’s Numbers, or Anything Else Really.
Before I had a cell phone I could rattle off at least 20 people’s phone numbers. Now I don't even know my sister’s. Much like the rest of the tech world, all of our phone numbers, schedules, pictures, memories, mail, important documents and relationships are one high powered magnet away from being erased forever. If only that would work for certain parts of my brain--Read: it already does for John, who has probably the worst memory I’ve ever seen.

John: What? I write a blog with Pat?

GPS
We’ll discuss the greatness of GPS’s in a later blog, but TomTom better hold off on buying that 2nd house in Malibu because dedicated GPS’s wont be around much longer.  Without getting too repetitive (see: this whole entry)  why would we need to buy something that does one thing when we already have that same GPS shooting cancer rays into our balls sitting in our pocket?

Gaming Systems
Xbox, Playstation and Wii don't have to sweat too much on this one, but while gaming systems are great for intricate, realistic looking video games you can get just as much entertainment out of your phone.  Phone games have evolved a long way from snake and solitaire.  You can play scrabble against all of your friends, you can fling birds at pigs (if they’re already angry, how do you think they’ll be feeling after getting shot into a wooden pyramid), you can cut ropes and fend off zombies with plants, and all while you’re sitting on the can at work. Phones have proven that no matter how good graphics are, what’s most important is playability and fun. But the key with phone games is that they’re not deeply involved. I just want simple tasks. It’s all about something I can play for 8 minutes whilst I poop or 30 minutes while I take the train home, but just as easily put down.

Lists

Who needs paper?  I could write my grocery list on a piece of paper, but will that paper suggest coupons to me based on what I'm buying? or magically sync my grocery list with my girlfriends? Nope.  I could remind myself to write a blog about how awful curry smells by putting a post-it note on my desk, but does that post-it note follow me around and remind me every 10 min? does that post it note buzz or make loud noises when i forget to do it? No.

Watches/Alarm clocks

Those things on your wrist that used to tell you what time it was and those boxes next to your bed that made that god awful sound are long gone.  (John still uses an old school alarm clock. I’m too cumbersome and just want to mash keys and hit snooze).

As it is, you check your phone every 3.5 seconds to see if anything new happened, you don’t need something on your wrist doubling up on that info, making “Fossil” a self fulfilling prophecy of a brand name.  Your phone is charging next to your bed every night, why not have that wake you up? The only downside there is that it kills the “I didn't know today was daylight savings/ the power must have gone out in the middle of the night and re-set my clock to 12:00” excuses for being late in the morning. But it does add the “I forgot to charge my phone and it died in the middle of the night,” excuse.

Smart phones have also:

Ended All Debates

You’re at the bar with your buddies talking about how awful the last transformers movie was, when suddenly one of your buddies claims that some chick he knows was naked in Hot Tub Time Machine. Life might as well have just ended right there because you KNOW that’s not true. In the the past your friend would begin to realize he’s wrong but just end the debate with the, “we’ll agree to disagree” move, or “This is America, you can think what you like,” patriot cop out. Not anymore.  Now you pull out that IMDB app and boom, you see she’s been in the same amount of movies as all of you combined, 0.  The chick that was naked in HTTM was actually the chick from Mad Men and as you pull up Mr. Skin to check out the scene he’s talking about, you’re buddy is already changing the topic to how good he thought John Ham was in the last James Bond movie.

Let us know what every one's doing

The question what’d you do last night or how was your weekend have changed from actual questions to simple pleasantries thanks to smart phones.  As your friend is listing out all of the stuff that he did that weekend, you zone out and answer a text because you already know exactly what he did.  You saw him check in at McSully’s on Friday night on foursquare, saw that he drank 6 Budweisers, a Harp and 3 German beers you cant pronounce on Untappd, caught his twitpic of that late night crab rangoon and heard about his banging headache the next day via his, I’m never drinking again claim in his facebook status Saturday at 9:06 AM.

Smart phones have given us the ability to bring everyone we know with us everywhere and have simultaneously taken us away from where we are.  We’ve decided that it’s more important to update the world on what we’re doing then it is to do what we’re doing.

But they’re not perfect

Battery

GPS, Camera, Movies, Internet all on a 5 inch screen have its obvious perks as we’ve discussed, but you know the second you start streaming the Office on your Netflix app, you’re not even gonna get to hear the first note of the theme song, because that is 2 min into the episode, and your battery will be long dead by then.

I’m sure 2 years from now our phone will run on upper thigh sweat and we wont have to worry about the battery crapping out every 2 hours, but for now technology has made our phones a major cock tease- Powerful enough to do whatever we want, but only lasting long enough to send 3 texts and check the clock 4 times.

Dead zones
Much like the battery, the phone is only as good as the connection you have.  Besides playing a game against yourself or the “computer” you cant do much with your phone if you’re in a dead zone.  It’s like having 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, which isn't all that ironic, don't you think?

Video Chat Every time a phone from the future was shown in a movie or TV show there was a screen on top of it with the the person on the other line’s face.  Video phones were straight where we were heading, we’ve been there for a little while now and how often do you use that? Once, twice a year?  And those 2 times were to show your buddy how cool your phone was.  We’ve realized that actually seeing the person on the other end of the line isn't all its cracked up to be.  It really negates the point of the phone, you have to be fully clothed, not on the can, not playing video games while you’re talking and giving 100% attention to the person on the little screen in front of you.  If we wanted to go through all of that hassle, we’d just meet up in person, and that is exactly what we’re trying to avoid.