Pat and John's guide to "what the hell is the sportscaster talking about?"

If you're a person who seldom or never watches sports on TV, the following guide will help you understand the jargon you may hear during the course of a sporting event. If you're a hardcore sports fan, the following should sound familiar to you and will act less like a guide, but more as a refresher course on what a sportscaster ACTUALLY is saying.

Today's guide will focus on Player Terms.

A Player's player: Contrary to what you may think, this means the player is well-respected by his teammates, as opposed to its other definition: To be a player owned or possessed by another player.

The Player's player is normally only OK at best at the game, but makes up for crappy athleticism with good old fashion perseverance.

Examples
NBA: Derrek Fisher, PG LA Lakers
NFL: Kevin Faulk, RB New England Patriots
MLB: Jason Kendall, C Milwaukee Brewars

Professional hitter: Technically all non-pitching baseball players are "professional hitters," so what the hell is the difference between a professional hitter, and a hitter who just happens to be professional?

This term is applied to those guys who only hit singles (because they're often too slow to beat a throw to second base). Because collecting singles is their only real asset to a team, these guys normally suck at defense, too. Professional Hitters also don't show emotion and are a boring person to hear interviewed. This is not because they were born to hit, rather created by Dr. Silberman, lead scientist for CyberTech during the late 90's .

ex: John Olerud and BJ Surhoff, both formerly of the Baltimore Orioles

Crafty Lefty – A baseball term applied to left-handed pitchers ONLY. There is never, and nor will there ever be a crafty Righty (despite Paul Byrd's best attempts to be the first). In this phrase, "crafty" means two things: old, and they can't throw anything over 80 MPH.

Ex: Jamie Moyer (left), age 45, Philadelphia Phillies

Innings Eater- This is another term for a below average pitcher. They "eat" innings, where as a good pitcher is just a good pitcher. You don't hear Johan Santana described as an innings eater, you hear he's an ace, or he's filthly or he's a stud. Joe Blanton on the other hand, is an innings eater, and he's eating a lot more than innings if you looked at him.
Note: Blanton is the exception to the rule as a majority of Baseball's 'inning eaters' are Latin.
ex: Livan and Orlando Hernandez

Wiley Veteran: This term is glossed to people whose skills have diminished but somehow make up for it with experience and smarts. Has anything else besides the coyote and a veteran been described as wiley?
ex: Brett Favre

Grizzled Vet: The "wiley veteran's" long lost brother. The grizzled vet has been around forever and knows everything about the game. He also always seems to have some sort of beard working, or at least some scruff. This is his way of paying homage to the first Grizzle, Grizzly Adams.

Ex. Jake Taylor (catcher from the movie Major League)

Not afraid to get dirty: Contrary to most professional athletes who are afraid to get dirty because they don't want their mom (undoubtedly seen in the Campbell's soup commercials) to yell at them for getting grass stains on those white pants again, these guys go for it anyway. They dive, not just when necessary, but for anything. The ball might be 10 feet over their head, but they're gonna make the highlight reel or dye (their pants)* trying.
*Pun of the year award to Pat Henderson.

Quiet leader/leads by example: These guys "lead by example" for one reason. They have no personality. These players are good at one thing, playing. Social settings make them uncomfortable and they have only one M.O.: get their work in and get the hell out. They keep to themselves, they don't bother talking to anyone, and because of this they default into "leading by example" which they didn't sign up for, because they'd be uncomfortable with that, too.
Ex: Marvin Harrison (When he's not shooting at people)

Good clubhouse guy: A player who essentially is useless on the field, but because of his ability to make some of the players laugh or break up a fight, he gets paid the league minimum to stay on the squad.


Sean Casey, Kevin Millar

Paying the ultimate price/sacrifice: Can you really be considered giving the ultimate sacrifice if you're getting paid in excess of $500,000? Apparently you can. Funny, I always thought the ultimate sacrifice was giving your life. In sports things aren't as grave, so ultimate sacrifice refers to a players' ability to practice regularly, AKA doing their job. Also putting yourself in harm's way to dive after a ball is considered paying the price as well.
Not example: Allen Iverson


Plays the game right: This player sucks. There's no other way to say it. He practices like it's the championship, and you like to have him as a teammate, but you also don't. He sucks worse than you, he just has the "heart of a champion," "has the will to win," "puts his team ahead of him." Bottom line: If this loser had even a shred of athletic talent, he'd be awesome, but also wouldn't try so hard.
i.e. Rudy Ruettiger

Knows what to do with the ball: Sure, some players catch the ball and go the wrong way with it...


...But, not "knows what to do with the ball" guy though. He's smart enough to keep dribbling, or run toward the correct endzone. This is the guy who won't do something dumb to embarrass the team or himself in the process.



A flair for the dramatic: This player scares the shit out of you. He is your closer who walks the bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th in a 1 run game with 0 outs and strikes out the next 3 hitters. He's the basketball player who when you're down by 2 takes a fade-away 3 from the corner with 2 guys on him, he's the quarterback who throws deep into double coverage on 4th and 1 when the tight end is open 5 yards out. Most importantly he's lucky and succeeds, because if he failed in doing this, he wouldn't HAVE "a flair for the dramatic" he would HAVE to find a new job.

Seasoned Pro: This could mean that he's been touched up with herbs and spices, but it doesn't. Instead, he's just an old dude still playing ball.

A "Competitor": We know sportscaster guy, all athletes are competitors in some way. They are after all "competing for the ultimate prize." But a competitor borders on nuts. They will do anything to win. Bite an ear off, amputate a finger, etc.
ex: Ronnie Lott once amputated part of his finger after fracturing it during a game so he could keep playing.

"Lott, of course, had the tip of his left pinky finger amputated from an injury suffered during the 1985 season. Sacrifices are part of the game, but Lott doesn't have any regrets other than the fact that his finger "looks like E.T.'s head." Lott compares it to a woman who needs to have her breast removed after discovering she has breast cancer and says his sacrifice is not as great as hers or the U.S. soldiers fighting overseas. Lott has no idea where his amputated finger is now, nor does he care.
- Dan Patrick Show

Note for White players

Sometimes there's blatant stereotype put against the white folk who play sports. Thanks to the movie, "White Men Can't Jump" and also supported by the fact that white
people for the most part, can't jump, you may hear the following described about a white athlete.

Deceptively fast/underrated speed: Even if this guy was the fastest guy on the field, he's deceptively fast? Why? Because he's white. Obviously. There's no way he should be able to run that fast, but somehow he overcomes his skin color. span>

Infomercials: A How to and the Top 10.

The Following are 14 rules that can be your unofficial guide to making a successful infomercial.

1. Use Black & White footage to show how bad any other product that does the same thing is

No matter how easy it is to use another product, this black and white footage is going to make even the simplest task look like rocket science. The best example of this is for the space saver Tupperware infomercial. I mean how hard is it really to put things into a container? Well the space saver people show a woman trying to do this and inevitably all the containers fall all over her as if the cabinet was making it rain Tupperware.

Note: It's very important in the black and white footage to throw up the giant red "x" superimposed over the shot, just in case you didn't know that this indeed was the wrong way.

2. Have a loud and overly energetic host

The viewer fell asleep because its 3am on a Thursday night? Well your host should WAKE THEM UP. The most important trait of a good Infomercial host is to be able to talk louder than any other human being. Billy Mays who is the host for dozens of infomercials does it right with his yelling approach, Oxi Clean gets embedded into your dreams. Matthew Lesko? Remember him? Are these question marks ringing a bell? He's the guy with the question mark suit. Is there a more irritatingly loud squeaky voice then his? If he was just talking to you about how his day is going then they answer would be a resounding NO, but because that loud, irritating, squeaky voice is telling you how you can get a free government loan to open up a shop specializing in chewing gum, well he might as well be Barry White because you could listen to that talk all night.

3. It's an added bonus if the host has an English/Australian accent

Just ask the people with the "tap light" and they'll tell you that the reason they sold so many of those dastardly things is because of the Australian guy hosting the infomercial. His ability to say "Top Law-ight" instead of Tap Light was so key. It keeps you watching because you want him to ask you, "You call that a light? This is a light!" But 15 minutes into it, you just wanted the light instead. “Holy shit, I can put that light in my closet? I can make a walkway out of dozens of them? I NEED THAT.”

So if Billy Mays isn’t around to host your shiz, you better lob a long distance call to some Australian Bloke.

4. Make sure you show the product being used for things you'd never use it for

This is the step where you want to wow your viewers. They already know a knife can cut a piece of chicken, but they didn't know that your knife CAN CUT THROUGH A CAR. It's one thing if your adhesive can hold a picture to a wall, but it’s another thing if your adhesive can be made into a chain to PULL A BOAT. By making your customers realize these aren't just towels, but rug cleaning, moisture soaking pieces of cloth made by the hands of god himself, they'll realize they have to buy them.

Plus, what if you lock your keys in your car and cant wait for AAA? You know your not going to be cutting that car door off with any ol regular knife, you need your Miracle Blade.


The Magic Bullet Shows Rules 3, 4, and 7 in action

5. Product better have a catchy name

In business and real estate it's all about location, location, location. In the world of infomercials it's all about the name of the product. There are two ways of going about this. You better mention what kind of product it is but throw a noun in front of it: i.e. The George Foreman Grill, Red Devil Grill, etc. The other way of naming a product is simply giving it some sort of exciting or thought-provoking word and tag-team it with a verb/noun; i.e. OxyClean, ShamWOW, The Magic Bullet.


The Aptly Named "Tiddy Bear"

6. If at all possible have a catchy slogan too

The RONCO Showtime Rotisserie BBQ, which is the best infomercial of all time (see below), still is the benchmark of infomercial slogans with the timeless slogan, "Set it, and forget it."

7. Have a lame/dumb sidekick who has "never used the product before" and is always amazed by the result

The dumb sidekick is essential for the infomercial. He/She is the average American in the infomercial's eye: dumb and a sucker for anything. They chime in with the commentary on the product, normally saying how easy a product is to use.
Lines that are commonly used are:
"And, so that's all I have to do?"
"Wow, that's just too easy."
"Why have all this stuff, when I only need one of these (name of product)"

They are also there to segue into you buying the product. The following is normally how that convo goes:
Dumb Sidekick: Okay, so X does all that and it's this easy to use?
Inventor: It sure does
DS: Okay, but I bet it costs a fortune.
I: nope actually it's only 3 easy payments of ___
DS: So wait, you're telling me I get the X for the price of just $___?
I: That's right
DS: No way, that can't be. Can I get it in a store?
I: Nope only through this 'exclusive' offer
DS: Well America you heard it here, you can only get this offer right now if you call the number on your screen…

8. Include real on-the-street/audience testimonials

It is important to show your viewers how your product has completely changed the lives of regular people just like them. Stuff like, "before I bought the Miracle blade, me and my sister were Siamese twins, thanks to its space age blade we took care of that!"

In this section you can also show how "Top Professionals" use your product. Professional car washer Miguel Rodriguez uses the ShamWow to dry all the cars that he services, "The cloth, it gets car dry mang, really dry mang"

*Note: if you can have someone that has a cowboy hat, or looks like they're a hick, or a "real American" as Sarah Palin would call them, you better take the opportunity and interview them.

9. You better tell us that you're selling us the product for 150% less than you'd get it in the store.

As the customer, we need to know how much this piece of crap is going to cost us in the store. Without mentioning how much this thing costs at a retail store, we would think that the product is only sold on TV, and that means it's not store-worthy. For some reason if this product is sold in a store, we think, "hey, it's sold in stores, it must be good." So giving us the outrageous “store price” or “retail price” will make us think it's a good product and when they pull the old switch-aroo for the "special offer" it damn well looks like we're stealing it.

10. Before giving us the final price, tell us how much it isn't going to cost and also give us a payment plan. By the way those payments better be "easy."

They already told you that you’re getting a better deal than in the stores, but they didn't tell you how much of a better deal. You're not paying $600 for this rotisserie grill, NO your not even paying $400, as a matter of fact you’re not going to pay $200, you my friend are only on the hook for 10 easy payments (what makes these payments so easy anyways?) of $19.99. That's right, you call and you’re getting the deal of a lifetime, but wait what's that? If we call right now we get what?......

11. Along with step 10, tell us what we get if we call NOW and how much everything that comes with the product would cost separately

As if the "easy payment" and a reduction in price from the store wasn't enough to buy this thing, we also get a ton more crap with this special offer. Not only do we get the "Lean, Mean, Grillin Machine" but if we call now they'll throw in the grill cleaner, tongs, recipe book, lifetime supply of meats and one of George Forman's kids. Then they'll let us know that if we bought each of these things separately it'd cost $500 and hours of labor/pain, but by calling now, we get all of this for 5 easy payments of $19.99, making us think, we're getting $500 worth of stuff for $30 bucks, how can I not buy this!?

12. Give us a timer on how much time we have left to buy the product

Of course, these deals are “limited time only,” or “limited supplies so order now.” In fact they are so limited that they will only play this same infomercial EVERY night for the next two years. But if you’re still on the fence, and the words ‘limited,’ ‘supply,’ and ‘time’ didn’t get you, this next tactic will. The timer. The timer normally comes up on the phone number shot: you know the blue background with two side-by-side clips showing everything you’ve already scene about the product. On the right hand side of the screen that giant yellow 10-minute clock starts winding down and now you don’t even want the product, you just want to beat that clock. This isn’t about necessity anymore, it’s not about, “I have to have this.” No sir, it’s about, “I have to beat that damn clock.”

13. Knock off a payment if we order it NOW with a credit card, and repeat steps 9 through 11

The final piece-de-resistance is knocking off a payment. If all the previous add-ons plus the timer didn’t pressure you into buying it, the removal of the payment is the no-holds-bared tried-and-true these-colors-don’t-bleed atomic bomb they drop on you at the end. For this step, it’s key to make sure you throw in a completely different voice over too. Make sure the audio frequency doesn’t match and there’s a total different static noise in the background because this is getting recorded after you realize you’re not selling shit for the first 3 months.

“…But wait! If you order now with your credit card, we’ll knock of ONE WHOLE PAYMENT! Now it’s only three easy payments of 19.95.”


Rules 11-13 perfectly played.

14. Finally, never allow for C.O.D.'s or Money Orders

Never allow for any Cash on Deliveries or Money Orders. At this point we the customer assume you’re not accepting either of those forms of payment, but for some reason you’ll accept the Diner’s Club Card? Oh well, these are the rules, we don’t make this stuff up.


Top 10 Infomercials of all-time:

1. Ronco – Showtime Rotisserie BBQ

Ron Popeil has made a living at this and you can see it all comes together in this one. He’s a seasoned pro and he pulls no stops in this one. A freaking studio audience chanting, “set it and forget it?” Does it get any better than this? No stone is left unturned (except for the one in the rotisserie BBQ). All the tricks are pulled.

√ Voiceover easy payment subtraction
√ Energetic host
√ Dumb Sidekick
√ Slogan
√ Useless stuff throw-ins: The slicer (because now the only tears we’ll have for cutting onions are tears of joy), the gloves, the “flavor injector,” recipe guide, the steam trays, etc, it’s all here. But seriously Popeil, you’re “including” the booklet of coupons as a bonus? And don’t tell me you just valued that thing at over $250?

2. Girls Gone Wild infomercials

Watching Spike TV or Comedy Central at 2:00 a.m.? Oh you’re getting hit with this one. It’s not a traditional ad, but it’s got what almost every one of these other products doesn’t have, nearly naked girls and lots of shots of them lifting their shirts and showing us their censor bars. Plus the steel drum in the beginning? How recognizable are those first four notes?

3. Free Money to Pay Your Bills w/ Matthew Lesko

Lesko is a master. He’s also a game changer by infusing two special things to his infomercial: a suit that’s almost as loud as him and constant shot changes. One second he’s telling us how we can get the gov’t to pay for our taxes somehow whilst on the steps of congress, the next shot he’s walking in front of Wall St. No matter what though, he’s always, I mean always moving.

4. Extenze "male enhancement" pills

With their testimonial slogan, “They’re giving away pills for free? It must be good!” and “If we didn’t sell so many pills, could we afford to do this?” they have officially just come out and said, “Okay America, you’re dumb and we know it.” Also you have to love the different ways they try to say it makes your dick bigger without actually saying it.
- Male Enhancement
- Improves the size of that certain part of the Male Body

5. Oxy Clean

- Billy Mays has basically convinced us to buy repackaged detergent that we put in addition to our normal detergent. I mean you add it to soap! This doesn’t even need to do anything, but shit, anything to make our “whites whiter.”

6. ShamWow

The salesman of this thing is just a straight asshole. But somehow he’s SO authoritative that he makes you feel bad for doubting it. Also he’s brought a modern head-microphone into the mix which says one of two things: 1. I am a backup dancer. 2. I work at Old Navy. Either way, that headpiece is definitely stolen from his other job

7. The D.R. Trimmer/Wood chipper

After watching the DR Trimmer infomercial, it’s easy to conclude that this machine is the sole reason for deforestation.

8. Magic Bullet Blender

The Magic Bullet is the gunshot that killed JFK. It’s also a blender that can serve drinks AND feed a family of four.


9. Juiceman Juicer

This guy’s been at this thing for so long. It is rumored that his eyebrows can make him fly and also give him the ability to see into the future.

10. Foreman Grill:

The Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine? Really that was the best title we could get for this product? I’m amazed they could fit it onto the grill cover.


Honorable Mention:

The Eyebrow and beard trimmer:

This makes the list because the have the balls to call this thing an eyebrow trimmer, when really we all know that’s just code for pube trimmer.



Special to Pat and John On…


By Jerome Palmeri
Infomercial Connoisseur










My Top 5:

1. Even edging out the Showtime rotisserie the Red Devil Grill because they market it like it was the thing you could cook everything on. Like fuck your whole kitchen, the red devil is better than all of it and it was just a little tailgating grill.
And it also had the SUPER SKILLET, that was just a huge wok

2. Showtime Rotisserie

3. Pancake Puff Maker

4. Nuwave Oven

5. Foreman grill, or better yet one of the knock offs.

* Honorable mention

Any knife set infomercial. Those fucking knives! You could use them to cut through bricks, and don't forget the fucking chop n' scoop.
The way they talk about the knives I wonder like why we need scalpels in hospitals or even the jaws of life when these knives do it all and NEVER dull.
And what’s with the filleting knife and the garnishing knife? who the fuck ever needs those? As long as I got a big butcher's knife that can help me with my amateur diamond-cutting business, I'm happy.

Oh and don’t forget the eggwave, remember that shit? Because eggs are so hard to make.
In fact, those I think make the best infomercials. Shit that is made to seem like you need it and it can do everything, but you are like, this does nothing. Like the pancake puff thing? oh great! I can eat all my baked goods in ball form now. Thanks pancake puffer.


Finally, The "Advertising Lullaby" by the late, great George Carlin

Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience
Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.

Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
Free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.

No cash?No problem!No kidding!No fuss, no muss,
No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.

Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money,
Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately,
not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,
Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,
Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.

So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff.Our experienced and
knowledgeable will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.

And say, don't forget to pick up your free: a classic deluxe
custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select
gourmet pocket pencil sharpener.Yours for the asking,
no purchase necessary.It's our way of saying thank you.

And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary
bonus at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer
luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination
key ring, magnifying glass, and in a genuine
imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary.It's our way of
saying thank you.

Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick this big dick up your ass a little bit
deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable
no-good dumbass fucking consumer!

It's the Little Things...that piss us off.

Just as is the case in life that little things can make us happy, little things can make us irritable, too. The following list comprises a small sample of those things we all suffer through on the day-to-day grind.

Technology Failures:

• Internet crashes: There's never a good time to be left without the Internet. But for some reason the World Wide Web knows when you're actually trying to get something accomplished. Sure, the Internet was going great when you were checking Facebook and that hilarious video of that hamster on YouTube, but now that you actually need to get something important done, like say, emailing your boss. It is at this very moment that the Internet shits the bed. This is inevitably the internet's way of saying, "Hey dillweed, maybe you should have been doing this first instead of putting it off."

• Paper jam: The same rules apply for the paper jam as do for the Internet. It only stops working when you're printing out your resume for the interview in 30 minutes. However, last night it was perfect when you printed a 16-page poster of your fantasy team logo, or the other day when you printed a self-portrait exquisitely created in Microsoft Paint.

"Losing" your keys: We all have 'lost' our keys about a billion times. Although, you know you haven't really lost them, but rather you've simply misplaced them somewhere. So, you begin frantically searching your place, and if there's someone else around, you're about to be greeted with a, "What are you looking for?" This is of course followed by, "My keys," which is followed by the other person saying, "Well, where was the last place you saw them?" What an annoying question, right? Annoying because now you're retracing your steps like an idiot. "Well, first I entered the door, then I took a dump, then I checked the fridge, then etc, etc." This isn't going to help because even if you retrace every step you're still going to fall into the classic “key-finding mode.”

Just like a dog trying to find a tennis ball you didn't actually throw, you're going to be looking everywhere and wind up looking dumb in the process. This is because you're always looking in the dumbest places. Chances are, they're probably not in the fridge, but you check that anyway. Chances are they're not in the medicine cabinet, but you're bound to look there, too. That's because when people search for their keys, anything with a door or a compartment is fair game. You open every drawer in the house looking for these damn things. And even though you haven't been in the attic in three years, you take a gander there also. In fact the only good thing about looking for your keys is that you're bound to find something else you were looking for 2 months ago. Eventually, the only thing this key searching yields is the finding of four things you weren’t looking for and of course, no keys. The kicker in this whole deal after you give up and grab your spare set only to discover that your “lost” keys were in your car all along.


Candy Bar Gets Stuck: Getting a 2-for-1 candy bar deal is amazing. But getting a 0-for-1 deal is absolutely infuriating. The little coils turn and turn but then hanging there like Sly Stallone in Cliffhanger are your Cool Ranch Doritos. Awful. Now you've got three options:

1. Buy another pack of Cool Ranch Doritos
2. Leave feeling rejected and ashamed
3. Violently shake that damn machine until it give you what you paid for.

Without fail, you know you're trying option 3. Despite the fact that hundreds of people are killed by toppled vending machines each year, you're determined to make sure those three quarters were not wasted. The process of shaking the vending machine always follows the same order. First you kick it. When that doesn't work, shove it. When that doesn't work you go to DEFCON 3: Operation Hulk. Just like a hungry version of the Hulk, no vending machine wants to see you when you're angry. You are wrapping your arms around that machine as if you haven't seen it in years and this machine is your lover. Except, there's no love in this exchange. It's straight rage as you violently try to do your best Superman impression and lift this thing back to Krypton. However, "despite all your rage, you're still just a rat in a cage." A rat without chips that is. On the plus side though, you've probably burned the calories you would have consumed with those chips. Unless you’re going option 1 at this point, you’re stuck at option 2, and don’t nobody like number 2.


Assholes at the Movies: As if paying $10.50 for any movie wasn't enough, but now you've got to contend with the mess of 8th grade punks thinking they're hot shit talking all the way through your movie. Look, I know Forgetting Sarah Marshall is not exactly a movie that is essential for silence, but have some courtesy huh? Oh, and babies in the movie? Awful. Of course the baby and the parents are at a movie in which there should in no way be a baby at, for example Gladiator. Other than the negligent parenthood of showing a 3-year old Russell Crowe stabbing people, who brings a baby to the movie anyway? Honestly. When you had that baby you signed a 3-year unwritten contract that explicitly says: For the next 3 years you will have no social life. Sorry to break the news.

DVD Skipping: So your last movie was ruined by loud patrons and crying babies. This time you’re taking this into your own hands and you’re going to settle down with that Netflix movie you got three weeks ago. Finally you’ll chew through Michael Clayton so that way you can return it for whatever’s next on your queue. Well after watching two hours of exposition, Clayton is finally starting to get somewhere, when suddenly at the film’s peak … … How frustrating right? Say what you will about VHS, but that shiz never skipped at least. What follows is the guide for how to un-scratch a DVD. Eject it. Breath on the disc. Wipe it with your sleeve. Go to the chapter guide and pick up where you left off (of course you’ve just seen brief glimpses of the next 3 chapters that follow). Rinse and repeat my friend.

The Slow Line at the Grocery Store: The grocery store is frustrating enough. Fighting through the aisles, getting through the displays, avoiding wasteful spending on stupid things you don’t need. But now comes the finality of all you’ve worked for, picking the right cashier line. No matter what you never pick the right one. A lot goes into consideration when taking your pick too. How much stuff do the people in front of you have, how fast does the cashier look, etc. But all that goes out the window when someone whips out that checkbook. That might as well be an airport security inspection. Regardless, it’s impossible to pick the right lane and you’re staying for 10 minutes longer.

Waking up with pimple on face: Is there anything worse than waking up with a pimple or an emerging pimple on your face? Sure there are, but it’s pretty awful. What an awful surprise that is. Waking up sucks. But waking up and you can feel that pimple sitting there? Horrible.

Paper Cuts: How can something so little hurt so big? Paper cuts are awful. You slide your hand across the desk to grab a piece of paper and all the sudden you're in a world of hurt. It stings, you suck on it and it burns, nothing you do helps. The worse thing about a paper cut is you can barely even see it, but you sure can feel it, and you feel it all day long. Every time you reach in your pocket, every time you extend your finger, you’re feeling it.


Bird crap you cant get off of windshield: there is a phrase: “the world is your oyster.” It means you have the freedom to do whatever you want. Well, to birds, the world is their toilet, and they have the freedom to GO wherever they want. With utter disregard to us ground folk, our air fairing "friends" just shoot down little bombs whenever they feel like it, leaving it to land on the ground, your head, or your car windshield, amongst other places. When you get out to your car and find some of these little presents awaiting you, you try to get them off with the windshield wipers and some washer fluid. That usually works unless you get a real caked on crap. No matter how much work you put into this one its not coming off. Even a little oxyclean ain’t getting that off. The worst part about this semi permanent spot is that it is all you look at while you’re driving. You can’t take your eyes off it. It’s there and you want it gone. Your tools are failing you and there is nothing you can do but continue to stare at it and hope you intimidate it off of the windshield.

Annoying song stuck in your head: You hear songs everywhere, everyday. You drive and listen to the radio, you walk and hear people humming, you watch TV, your phone rings, etc. Music is going in and out of our heads all day, that is until one song gets stuck. Certain songs just do that, it might be because they're catchy, or you love that song, or the annoying dude in the cubicle behind you has been singing it all day, however when it gets stuck in there, it’s virtually impossible to get out. Like a rough spell of diarrhea, you gotta just let it run its course and take care of itself before you can move on. The worst part about a song being stuck in your head is as soon as you finally forget about it, someone is going to come by singing it again.

Machine wont take wrinkly dollar bill: When you go to buy a soda or a candy bar from a vending machine you slide your dollar in there and wait for it to process. Sometimes your dollar shoots back to you, so you look at the diagram and make sure George is lined up right and try it again but it comes back again. So you use the side of the machine like an ironing board and flatten it out, slide it back in waiting to hear the clicking noise of the dollar getting accepted then bam its back out again. You can’t get the crinkles out, that bill is not getting accepted. The most frustrating thing about this is you have the money for what you want, but it wont let you buy it. If this were a personal transaction between customer and clerk you'd be eating your Snickers bar, but your dollar bill isn't good enough for this machine, and you’re not good enough for its Snickers.

Sunburn on the top of your feet: Sunburns in general suck, they burn, they sting, someone slaps it and it burns and stings but the sunburn on the top of your feet is the all time worst. Any type of clothing touching a sunburn is a painful experience, but when the sunburn is on your feet and you have to wear shoes and socks on it all day, rubbing back and forth every step you take, it brings the sun sting to a whole new level.

Burning your tongue: Is the hot chocolate cool enough to drink? Well there's only one way to find out…ahhhhhhhh that 2 centimeter square of taste buds won't be working for the next few days. The only way to avoid this really is to use your finger to gage the hotness, but then you look like a weird-o to whoever your with, so just wait for one of them to do the inevitable and burn their tongue first, wait a few minutes and give it a go yourself. You could blow on the drink, but that’s splattering all over the place. Or you could go inward cooling, that is, breathing in as you drink. But that’s no good either. Basically the best thing to do is use the digit, or simply wait until the next day when the hot chocolate reaches a tolerable temp.

Being behind the slow driver on a one lane road: Not that we are for driving really fast, but there is a comfortable pace, about 10-15 mph over the speed limit that is good to cruise in. You don't want to have everyone on your ass because you are going slow, but you don't want to be the asshole bobbing and weaving between cars like Barry Sanders in his prime. No one wants to be that “hero.”

Anyway, the highway is a place for everyone, to each their own lane. When someone wrongly crosses over to a lane that is out of their league they'll realize it soon enough when everyone starts passing them on the right. While there are options on the highway, the one lane road on the other hand is road rage waiting to happen. If you are on a one-lane road long enough you are inevitably going to be stuck behind someone out for a stroll in the park. This car is going the speed limit, or even 5 mph over but you want to go a little faster. It’s like trying to run on a treadmill that only has 1 speed, the slow walk. Whether you want to or not you’re going to be riding this car’s ass like an 8th grader at a school dance. You’re Zoro, and this shit-tard in the Oldsmobile is the horse. All you can do is cuss this car out in your head or to your co pilot, "you believe this asshole?" and hope that this car turns off soon, because your only other choice is the one lane road pass, a risky maneuver and let’s face it, that maneuver automatically says to everyone on the road, “hey, look, I’m an asshole.”

It's the Little Things

It’s been said that it’s the little things that make life worth living. Has there ever been a truer statement? What makes you smile more than the great little unexpected moments that life throws at you? We’ve all been here before and the following is a list of a few of the little things that make us happiest.

Finding money in Your Pocket: It’s been months since you’ve put on that winter coat. You reach into the pockets and what do you find? 20 bucks! Is there anything better than this? Even though you lost the money you put in your pocket some time ago, it feels like you actually MADE money when you find it again. It’s such a great feeling that you think it would be awesome to simply put money in your pockets just so you find it later. But that would not be the same.

Turning to the right page in a book on the 1st try: This was something we have all done once. Okay, well if you’ve never done your work or ever read anything, you’ve never felt this feeling before. Otherwise, for the rest of us how good was this, especially in a textbook or something. In class your teacher would say, “turn to page 238,” and then BAM, page 238 there you are. You know for 8 seconds afterward you thought you were capable of seeing into the future or something superhuman. This feeling would come to a screeching halt when you would get cocky and try it again only to be letdown that you turned to page 209.

Two candy bars fall from vending machine: In general when you go to a vending machine, it’s because you’re starving and the only thing available is the 85¢ non-named brand beef jerky or the little sleeve of trail mix. Making the decision of what to get at a vending machine is always a tough one, it inevitably comes down to 2 choices and you waiver. Finally you make the call, confident and excited you press F-4 and watch the little corkscrew turn and the skittles fall down to the bottom, but wait, the corkscrew is still turning. What’s this? Two skittles? In the words of Boston, Oh, What a Feeling! You just hit the two for one special! In reality, you only saved 50 cents, but it feels like someone just handed you a million bucks.

The Perfect Pour: When you’re pouring soda or a likewise carbonated beverage into a cup you're bound to do two things, fill the cup only to find out that its really only half full (or half empty depending on your outlook on life) or fill too much and it over flows. But there are those times when you pour and the drink fizzes and it nears the top of the cup and it looks like it's about to over flow, then like magic, the fizz is over the top of the cup but it stays self contained and calms back into the cup. Congratulations friend you’ve just scored, “The Perfect Pour.”

The Perfect Gus Pump: Ideally, the perfect gas pump is a free one. But about 99.9% of the time, we all go for the .00 on the gas fill up. If you’re like us, you use the credit card to fill the tank and when you get your statement, it reads: 45.00 38.00 40.00, etc. good work friend, you’ve had a solid month.
Now when it comes to the ".00" most of the time it's accomplished in overtime, that is, when the pump handle drops and says, "no, that’s quite enough sir." That’s when you say, “I don’t care what these signs say about overfilling, I’m getting the price from $39.12 to 40.00.” Inevitably you press that handle around 15 times as you push that bad boy to the limit.

That's a forced .00, and while getting to that point is nice, getting there on one squeeze? That’s euphoric. If you get 42.00 flat by just releasing the handle perfectly on the dot, that is called a game-changer right there. You could have been dumped, fired, and lost your pants in a tragic pant-eating accident, but hitting that double-zero is just so sweet that for 5 minutes all is okay.

Avoiding all red lights on the way to somewhere: This never happens when you are running late. It’s almost like the road Gods* are rewarding you for not rushing and doing potentially dangerous things in order to get somewhere on time.
You never attempt to hit all the lights, it just sort of starts. You start out on your drive and realize that you are on a little streak, you hit 3, then 4 then 8 green lights in a row, you are unstoppable, and the road is yours.

*Major Road Gods:
Trafficthopoles- God of all traffic
Ceralightis – God of lights
Asphaultia – God of all gravel and roads
Curio – God of “rubber neckers” and the “curiosity factor”

Knocking something over and catching it before it hits: This little thing is so great because its combines the greatness of making a nice snag with the relief of avoiding something that is potentially disastrous.

Situation: You’re walking alongside the kitchen counter and your elbow knocks a glass, so naturally you throw your hand back there and you grab it. If you were consciously trying to catch it, chances are that glass would be in a million pieces on the floor, but there is something about the subconscious that makes you smooth as silk. Your subconscious takes over and ‘sniggity-snag’ you grab that cup like Randy Moss over 3 defenders. What makes this even better is if someone is watching. If a baseball fan is watching, you’re getting tagged with “damn, that’s totally going to make web gems tonight.”

Getting too much change back: Life isn’t cheap, that much is true. But sometimes things get a little cheaper when you unexpectedly are given a 5-spot and four more 1’s when you should have got five bucks back, instead you made back an extra four, unbeknownst to the teller. It's like a little golden ticket slipped its way into their hands. And, like Charlie Bucket, you come screaming out of the store thinking you’ve just won a huge prize. Amazing right? In a world where The Man is always trying to get you, there’s nothing better than when you get the best of The Man.

When the cashier forgets to scan something at the register: Okay, admit it, you’ve gotten away with a few “accidental” item-under-the-cart transfers. No room for that 24-pack in the carriage? Slide it underneath and if the cashier happens to forget to ask to see the cart, well that’s their purgative. Either way, you’ve got free drinking water for the next 7 days. That’s not stealing, that’s just employee negligence.

When you're thinking of a song, and then it's on the radio: We all have our favorite songs. You know, those songs that we’re always happy to hear come on the radio. But this occasion is even more special when you’re thinking about a song, say “Desperado,” and then you press ON and there it is… “DESPERAAAADOOOO.”
But it doesn't necissarily have to be your favorite song to be good. Sometimes you hear a song from a friend or heard one on the radio earlier, and all you can think of is four words of the song. What’s more, you have been singing those four words all day and humming out the rest of the melody. On top of that, because you don’t know the song, you are actually singing the WRONG lyrics, negating even the best Google search. But like a divine miracle, you turn on your car radio (because when else are you listening to the radio) and there it is, That Song! How HUGE is that? Now you’ll definitely remember enough to look up later, and you’ll realize the lyrics aren’t “…I’ve got all these up in my name,” they’re “I’ve got the visas in my name, if you come around here, I make ‘em all day.” Grand.

Getting the good seat: When you’re getting prepaid tickets and can pick a seat, this goes out the window*. But if you’re going to the movie theater and you get that epic seat in the middle just before the trailers start, that’s clutch. What about the Plane (well Southwest Airlines). Getting that aisle seat or more importantly, the seat in the emergency exit row, (Legroom galore) is definitely making your day.

*Unless you’ve paid for the seats behind the guy in the stovepipe hat.

Finding a random ball at the park: Want to know something true? Guys are like dogs in many ways. One such example is when we’re doing something at a park and we stumble upon a lost ball in the park. Jackpot! Like you’re not picking up that stray tennis ball? Pst, please. If you’re with others it’s a fight to see who gets it. And the guy who’s sitting there saying, “I’m too mature for that,” is inevitably the first one to ask if he can see it when you start bouncing that bad boy everywhere.

Putting clothes on straight from the dryer: You get back in the house from a cold day, or wake up on a cold morning and you need to change your clothes. Putting on clothes in general would be nice warmth in this occasion. Putting on clothes straight out of the dryer, you just made like all dogs and went to heaven. The best laundry garment are socks, though. Putting those toasty socks right up on your feet is absolutely terrific. Now that your toes are warm, your body now knows it’s okay to start getting the other extremities warmed up.

Winning a buck from $1 scratch-n-win: Occasionally when you get your gas, or pick up a few things at the convince store you tell the cashier to throw in a dollar scratch ticket. It’s a dollar, why not? You know you're not gonna win, but you buy it anyways. So you go back to your car and pull out the lucky penny and scratch off the silvery stuff and bam, you’ve won a dollar, but it’s not about winning that dollar, it’s the fact that you won! What a feeling! Inevitably, like a drug, you want to feel it again, so you buy another ticket instead of getting the dollar back, and lose, but really, what’d you expect? At that point you were playing with house money (even though you paid $1 already for the first ticket, so technically you’re playing with the original $1, but that’s just technicalities).

Unexpected leftovers: How many times a day do you open the fridge only to be met by the disappointment of nothing to eat. Well there is stuff to eat, the fridge is full, but there’s nothing you want to eat, that is, unless there are some leftovers in there. Leftovers that you know are there are always good, but when a roommate or family member stocks the fridge with leftovers, well then there is such a thing as a free lunch, and a damn tasty one at that. Now you’re only two-minutes away from delicious tastiness in your belly. And if one person in your home is a naysayer about leftovers, well my friend, you’re eating for two.

Hitting a tough shot into the garbage can: You lean back in your chair so you can get your arm and eyes in an angle to see the garbage/recycle bin 15-feet away around your cubicle. You know there’s a 1-in-10 shot you’re getting that empty Poland Spring bottle in there, but hey, you were going to get up and throw it out later anyway, so why not right? You arch your arm back, and the bottle goes end over end toward the bin. Suddenly there’s hope and as the bottle falls you realize it may actually go in, and your foresight is rewarded with the beautiful sound of the bottles clanking around as you’ve hit nothing but, er, box! You might as well be Michael Jordan at that point. If there was someone else around by the way, there’s only the same 1-in-10 chance they’re NOT trying the same shot which they’ll attempt until there’s nothing left to throw in the garbage. If they can’t do it in 8 tries, you feel like Superman. Correction: you ARE Superman.

Elevator button working immediately: I don’t know about you, but we think waiting sucks. We live in the fast-paced want it yesterday world where we are always moving and doing something, so waiting for an elevator is just impeding me from getting to the bottom floor, so I can sit on that sweet bench. But when you hit that button and the ‘ding!’ goes off right away, that’s like music to your ears. Who’s not waiting here? This guy.

Side Note: Like any button, tell me you’re actually pressing it once. There’s at least a double-press. If it’s not there within 15 seconds, it’s getting about 8 more presses, too. Same fast-button pressing applies to the crosswalk as well.

Someone calling and canceling when you didn’t want to do something anyway: So you were going to finally hang out with “Flakey Friend” (refer to previous blog about Flakey Friend for definition). Well, unbelievably, FF hasn’t cancelled, and now you’re bummed out, because now you’re getting prepped to see them. Worse yet, your other friends invited you somewhere better but your conscience has eaten you alive to hang with Flakey McFlakerston. This is suddenly when this douche calls you up, “Hey dude, I’m not feeling well…” or “I’m going to have to give you the rain check this week, sorry to do it for a 12th week in a row.” Your response: I understand, sorry it didn’t work out dude, I was so psyched.

Really, your response was something along the lines of: There is a god.

Thank goodness you have friends that are more willing to bail out on plans than you are, because right now, instead of getting a few pops and watching the game with your buddies, you would have been neck-deep in bullshit hanging out with that drain of a friend.

Waking up in the middle of the night thinking it’s time to get up, but really you have 4 more hours: Suddenly waking up in the middle of the night, what a rush, you automatically think you slept past your alarm and scramble for the clock, only to see that it’s only 3 a.m. and you have 4 more hours left to sleep. It’s not as good as getting a full night’s sleep, but it’s a little bit of “I’m sorry, false alarm” reward you get from your brain.

Prime time Parking Spot: Much like catching all of the lights, it never happens when you really need it, but once in a while you’ll take the risk and drive through that first row of parking spots and see that oasis in the parking lot desert, and save the extra 10 feet of walking. Even more key than this is if it’s a spot you can pull through so you don’t have to back out when you leave. Not only are you close, but now you’re pulling out of this lot like Batman, which is important, because who wants to have more time separating themselves from the movie theater to their TV?

The Car: A place to do everything but drive

It is said that we spend almost six years of our lives driving a car. We are wasting six years driving to places to spend the rest of our years, well if you are like us, you aren’t wasting those 6 years at all, you’re milking this time for all its worth. Rather than look at car rides as a negative, look at them as a positive. This is a solid block of time when there is nothing you HAVE to do but a world of possibilities of what you can do at your fingertips, and none of the things you can think of involve solely driving.

Driving a car has always been a multi tasking sport. In fact, in case you didn’t know, like many things, the Ancient Egyptians were the first to multitask. While hauling huge bricks to the pyramids, Egyptian men found away to move these bricks while praying to the sun god Ra, while also permanently ruining their spine simultaneously. No small feat.

The modern days of in-car entertainment however started with the radio, two things which separate can be boring, but together are great. Have you ever sat in a room and just listened to music? No, it’s boring as hell, but listing to music as you do other things, is great. Driving is the same way, have you ever had a broken radio in your car and driven in silence? Well they say the seat belt is the most important safety feature in a car, but I’m going to have to go against that and say the radio is. You know how many times you would fall asleep out of sheer boredom without a radio to keep your mind occupied? Try every drive over twenty minutes. The radio is the most basic and safest thing to do while driving, but it is far from the only thing you can do. Why just drive when it can be accompanied by:

- Talking on the cell phone - talking on the phone while driving is the modern day listing to the radio while driving. Seemingly every month studies come out that say talking on the phone while driving causes these many accidents or talking on the phone while driving hinders your concentration by so much, but may we present the theory that talking on the phone is actually a safety harness? Much like the radio being in the car, talking on the phone keeps you active, alert, lively and most importantly awake. You can only listen to so much NPR or Delilahhhhhhhhhh before you are nodding off. Talking on the phone allows you to stay entertained and awake, and also lets you be productive while you’re driving. How many times a week do you think, ah I was supposed to call Mike back, oh I’ll call him when I get in the car? How about all the time. It’s so much easier to keep in touch with people when you’ve got a long car ride to take every day and you can bang out a few phone calls in. When your done getting those out of the way you inevitably call up “Long Drive Friend” (for more information on long drive friend please see the blog entry: Phones and Friends) For John, making a long hour and 15-minute commute to and from work would have been impossible everyday if not for the lifeline that was his dad. In fact, John’s relationship with his dad improved 10-fold. So not only is it a Driver Safety Feature, but it’s also a Relationship Bolster Valve.

- Texting- Where as we tried to make an argument that talking on the phone while driving is a safe thing to do, texting while driving is probably the most dangerous thing you can do while your driving. But just like people who smoke or those who ignore the “dry clean only” tag, we do it anyway. Everyone has done it, and everyone should stop. Talking on the phone is one thing, you can have a hands free device, or you can hold it with one and still drive just as easily with the other hand, but texting? If you have a phone with a full QWERTY keyboard you’re texting with 2 hands and driving with the knee. But despite the fact that we’re asking for an accident, it’s way better than actually calling the person you’re texting. In the time it would have taken to simply call up your flaky friend to cancel your “play date” (Approx. 5 seconds), it’s way better to text “I can’t make it, sorry dude, something came up” which takes about 7 minutes of looking up and down at the road and at the phone screen. If you don’t have a QWERTY keyboard you may think you are at an advantage because you only need one hand. Not so fast my friend. That predictive text can be a killer. Instead of “I Can’t make it, I’m sorry dude, something came up,” you’re typing something totally illegible like, “I cant male it? Go sorry dude, something band us.” That’s not good either because who rereads their text while in the car?

By the way, what’s worse than driving with your knee? Your eyes are clearly focused on the keys on your phone, you’re not even looking at the road other than a slight glance every now and then. But it’s all worth it right? Driving in these dangerous conditions is totally worth letting Betsy know that you thought last nights episode of the office was hilarious too, LOL. The worst part about texting while driving? We all know it’s not a good thing to do, and we’re writing this post about it, but its not going to stop us from doing it. In fact we wrote much of this post via text message in the car.

- Eating- Who has time to enjoy that subway sandwich IN subway? That foot-long turkey is getting housed the second you get back in your car. Shit, you don’t even park the car to unwrap it. That’s just delaying you from being late even more. In fact you’re spreading even more mayonnaise on that hoagie WHILE you drive. That little mayo packet comes in handy when accomplishing this feat. No knife necessary with the packet because now you’re spreading the mayo with the tip of the packet. So what if a little lettuce is the casualty of mayo sticking to it as you spread sandwich lube on that Italian herb and cheese roll. It’s all in the name of not wasting one more possible second, while evenly spreading that mayo also while not getting your hands dirtier than they are.

- Like eating a sub, changing clothes is another perfect time saver when you’re late. Stuck in traffic? Boom the shoes come off. Though to be honest, you weren’t driving with shoes on were you? No way. Anyway, you’re at a traffic signal, you’re sliding the pants off and grabbing the gym clothes and putting them on. Who needs the gym locker room and the discomfort of seeing all those naked old men strut their stuff when you can change in your car? If you’re lucky and get it done fast enough you may even be able to lean forward at the next light and stretch your hamstrings and arms. Now there’s nothing getting between you and the stationary bike.

- Watching a movie is a relatively new feature in cars. Some Fancy McRichPaws may have some gizmo that’s integrated into the dashboard or something like that. But you can get a ghetto hook up with your iPod or even your laptop with the help of a FM transmitter or a tape deck converter. Now your car has become the ultimate home theater. Where else are you going to get 6-speaker surround sound in a 6’x6’ area? Nowhere, that’s where. But if you’re going to do this, it’s best that you play a movie you know really well because that way you don’t need to actually see it. When Forrest Gump says, “…it was the most beautiful voice I’d ever heard in the whole wide world,” you know he’s getting on that bus and he’s meeting that skank Jenny just after being told, “you can’t sit here-aaaaaaa,” by that douche kid with the flattop haircut.

- For some who have inter web capabilities, the car has also become your fantasy baseball team’s official home away from home. If it’s after 7 p.m. and you’re in the car, you’re checking the stats. Of course the best thing about this is that phone Internet takes about 4 minutes to load ANY page so therefore by the time you’ve looked up four of your players, you’re already arriving at your destination.

- Because you’re doing oh so much on the road, one thing that’s bound to happen is that you’re going to miss that exit on the highway or that part of the road where the road changes street names. In a predicament like this it’s time for the ghetto-on-star. No one actually has the real On-Star. That’s because you’d have to own a GM make car for that, and then you’re using the On-Star to get your hog towed from the spot where you broke down. Anyway, ghetto GPS/On-Star is simple: it consists of calling your friend who is hopefully by a computer and having them google-Maps you back to where you need to be. Who hasn’t done this at one point or another? Yet another way how cell phones+car=lifesaver, only this is more of a headache lifesaver, but a lifesaver nonetheless because who likes being lost.