(Frozen) Food for Thought

The Wide World of Frozen Foods

Whoever first thought of freezing foods should be up there with DaVinci, Franklin and Edison when it comes to inventors. What a great idea, you take good food, freeze it and re-heat it at a later time. You get to enjoy a meal that someone else cooked in no time without the mess. Like most good inventions, freezing food was probably a mistake. Some Eskimo probably just got done clubbin’ a seal and dragged that shit through the snow. A piece of that meat probably fell off and was frozen in the ground until Boolaf Palin (one of the first known Eskimos) found it like a week later. Of course being a Palin, he simply threw it out and went to the market to trade 150,000 sperm whale bones for some new coats. But the next Eskimo stumbled upon it, heated it up, and ate it. Thus freezing food technology was born.

Thousands of years later, the cooking-ly challenged or people without time couldn’t live without it. You might as well remove the word frozen because to these devout people it’s just food, it’s all they eat. In fact, for these people, they preface the word food as we know it, with the word “fresh.” Like, hey I’m not having my normal Hungry Man Dinner; I’m having this “fresh” chicken. Whether you eat frozen food all the time or just some of the time, we all know that each type of frozen food have their pros and cons, and some stay more true to form then others. However, one thing stands true: When it comes to frozen microwave-prepared food, you’re simply minutes away from a meal that, well, at the very least is hot on the outside and cold in the middle, unless it’s a hot pocket. More on that later.

Frozen Dinners
Frozen dinners are the worst of all frozen foods, besides hot pockets. They are a good idea in principal. Give people a "meal" in a nice plastic tray with separators for the representative food groups. You get your meat, your veggie, and a starch. Despite the good intentions, there are two major problems with frozen dinners. First off, they're tiny. Have you, or anyone you know, ever eaten a frozen dinner and said man I'm full, stuffed, satisfied? No. Because it’s never happened. No one can fill up on the half piece of chicken, 10 kernels of corn and teaspoon of mashed potatoes. Most frozen foods these days are Healthy Choice or weight watchers and are made that way to help you intake less calories. The problem is that you need to eat three of them just to reach the stage of “not starving.” Secondly, they always smell wayyyyyyyy better than they taste. At work for example, you can smell people heating up these frozen dinners and it’s like Emeril decided to join your company for a day and cook everyone lunch. Then you go check it out and see the person walking away with a piece of chicken with some sauce bubbling off of it screaming because that little plastic tray is always scolding hot.

On a side note: how un-key was it when the corn spilt over and got embedded in your brownie of your Kid Kusine?Side note on Kid Kuisines: We know these meals are cool and geared toward kids because cuisine is spelled with a K. Doing that automatically means something is hip for some reason. Same with prefacing a word with “Xtreme.” The other hip thing to do is to put up a picture of a dinosaur or something. And if the dinosaur is skateboarding forget about it. Every 9-year old is dropping that in the cart.

Frozen Pizza

Frozen pizza, in our humble opinion, is the king of frozen foods. It holds truest to form. It's not delivery, It's Digiorno, and it’s better than most delivery, and much more cost effective. Think about it. If you order a pizza, it’s at your house in 20-30 min and it costs about 15 dollars by the time you leave the tip. If you grab a Digiorno, it costs 5 bucks at the supermarket and you can have that bad boy heated and ready to eat in 15-20 min.
Side note: Is there any sense in pre-heating the oven? No. If you put it in while its pre heating the pizza starts cooking while the oven heats up, your killing 2 birds with one stone and it gets the pizza cooked faster. Pre-heating an oven is an old wives tale. In the words of George Carlin, what the fuck is pre-heating? There’s only two possible states an oven can be in: Heated and non-heated. Pre-heating is a utterly useless fucking term.

Anyway, you could have three Digiorno's for the price of one delivered pizza, without sacrificing much in the way of taste, AND if you don't finish your frozen pizza, you can treat it like regular pizza and throw that bad boy in the fridge to heat it up tomorrow. You can get two meals out of one frozen pizza. Though, it’s best not to think of it as re-heating a re-heated pizza. That just doesn’t sound appealing.

Frozen French Fries

Frozen French fries are at best, OK as a frozen food product. You can heat them with any technique you want but they still don't have that great fried taste to them. No matter what you do they taste bland and uninspired, that is until you douse them in BBQ sauce, or use the less exciting, Ketchup. The good thing about BBQ sauce or Ketchup is that no matter how bad something may taste, if you throw either condiment on that business, it’s going to taste like BBQ or Ketchup. Brilliant.


Frozen Breakfast Foods

Frozen waffles, pancakes, French toast sticks, they're all good, but they're only good if you do them up right. Frozen waffles have to be cooked in the toaster, obviously.

• A frozen waffle is great and like a frozen pizza it’s much more time effective then making "real waffles". I bet 10 out of 10 Americans have had 50 times the amount of frozen waffles as regular waffles in their lives. Who has time to make those up? If you’re going to go through all the trouble of mixing the ingredients and putting it on the waffle iron you might as well make pancakes. Homemade pancakes are great. Then again, the brilliance of the waffle is that it’s a pancake, except for the fact that there’s dozens of little compartments for your syrup, a very key feature.
  
• Speaking of pancakes, frozen pancakes are solid. They're probably the least popular of the frozen breakfast foods, but pop a few of those flapjacks in the microwave and douse them in syrup and you’re in for a treat.
  
• Frozen French toast sticks are hit or miss, if you microwave them they're awful, if you cook them in the oven they're amazing. It's all about the crispy factor, no one wants to eat warm soggy bread, which is essentially what they become when you microwave them, but throw them in the oven and get them nice and crispy and you are living large. Really though, if you’re going to cook them in an oven, you might as well do them up right and make your own. How hard is it to mix eggs, cinnamon, milk and sugar, dip bread and cook it for 5 minutes? Therefore frozen French Toast is decidedly the most useless frozen breakfast.
  
• Furthermore on the topic of frozen breakfast treats, Pillsbury was brilliant with the addition of two items to the market. The first were the cinnamon buns in a can and the second was Toaster Strudel. Both have plenty of things in common. One, they’re tasty delicious. Two, they never come with enough frosting. Despite that inherent flaw, toaster strudel owns the Pop Tart in the pre-made pastry department, and the c-buns are way better than anything you’d get from Entiments’s. When it comes to strudel, apple-cinnamon reigns supreme. Occasionally Raspberry or strawberry are good too. But now they’re getting fancy, with Egg/Cheese strudel and Boston creme strudel. Hey, Pillsbury, stick to what you do best. We don’t need you flooding the marketplace with these less than stellar varieties.
  
  
  Frozen Hybrid foods (eg bagel bites)
  

We all know the slogan, “When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.” Pizza bites or bagel bites or pizza bagels, whatever you want to call it, it doesn't matter. When you combine pizza and bagels or English Muffins, you’re in for some crazy deliciousness. According to their ad department simply putting anything on a bagel means you can have it for breakfast too. It’s somewhat true, but what is undeniably true is that they're best Post-midnight. It’s Saturday night, and you could have been out all night, or done nothing at all. But once that hour strikes 12, you’re getting hit hard with a hunger attack. This is truly the best time for bagel bites. Pop those circular discs of yum-factor 10's in the oven for the recommended time and watch them work as they go Rambo on your hunger. Now, they say you COULD do these things in the microwave, but as we covered earlier with pizza, you really cannot do them in the M-Wave. What you’re getting for your laziness is punished with flimsy, rubbery, lukewarm in the middle and burning hot on the outside, bagel pizza. That’s no good.

Hot Pockets

This is the most overrated product you can possibly find in the frozen meals aisle. It tastes bad. It smells bad. And if you were John at age 12, they made you barf for an entire night, ruining them forever. Unless you’re using them as hand warmers, there’s no sense in EVER having one. Awful.

Frozen Meatballs

The pound-for-pound king of frozen foods. This is the one food that is decent in the microwave, but if you cook them in sauce on a stove top or in the oven? They’re miraculous. And there’s plenty of diversity here. You can put them with pasta, or make a mean meatball sandwich with them, or just eat them without anything, they’re that good.

Frozen pastas and ravioli

Short on time? Tired of boxed pasta or mac and cheese? This is the answer. What’s awesome about frozen ravioli is that it tastes so good, and only takes like 6 minutes after you get that water boiling. They’re way better than say, chef Boyardee, and most likely, way better than anything else you were going to make that night. Along with Ravioli, frozen lasagna is also delicious. Sure it’s not homemade, but nothing ever is when it’s a frozen meal. But you’ll definitely be satisfied with the warm goodness of lasagna.

Parties and Party "guys"

Everyone’s been to a party and everyone knows a few of the following “guys.” In regards to the party though there are several things YOU must know.

Getting to and leaving a party at the right time is key. Sure the party starts at “10:00” but that’s really party lingo for 11 or later. When getting to a party it is important to get there at the right time. If you get there too early, it’s quiet, there aren't many or any people there. In this case, if you don't know the hosts all that well be prepared for some awkward small talk and fake a phone call to get yourself out of there.

On the other hand, getting there too late can be just as damaging. If you get there too late, everyone has hit the alcohol hard and as soon as you get in, they’re coming up to you yelling all this stuff, hugging you and trying to get you to dance. You’re way too sober for this party and you’re not going to catch up because everything has already been consumed.

Leaving the party can be just as important as arriving. Just as you can't be the first to arrive, you cannot be the last one to go, either. You must have some self-awareness and realize, “hey, these peeps want themselves some sleep, I’m going to crash here on the couch or I’m getting the F out.” You can’t make like the Cranberries and “Linger.”

Here are some of the "guys" you might see at a party:

Drink Trick Guy

He's here to do one thing and one thing only. Show off his drinking trick. He's the guy that can swallow a pitcher of bear in 2 seconds. He's the guy who can do cool spinny-tricks with bottles and such. He's the guy that's got one drink move, but no one gets tired of seeing it.

Make Out with everybody Guy OR Skank girl

This guy’s come to the party and you might as well call him Wayne Gretzky because he’s playing tonsil hockey with everyone he can get his lips onto. It doesn’t matter what the partner looks like, they’re getting a smack on the lips, because on this night, this guy/girl is getting their Mack on. Note: Make out guy will never talk to his victims ever again.

Waste Case Guy

When this guy's at the party, you know he's getting obliterated. He could have
gotten completely trashed last night. It doesn't matter. He's going to get tanked whether you like or not. While "waste case" guy is fun for a while, eventually he's the one barfing in the toilet at 3 a.m., then eventually passes out sitting up or laying down next to the toilet. The important distinction/trait about WC guy is he ALWAYS swears he's not going to drink like that again. But next Friday, you know you're getting a repeat performance.

Miserable ‘cause his ex is there guy

He's just your friend having a good time at a party until as if he stared into the eyes of Medusa he turns to stone: his Ex is at the party. His good times just ended because this dude is going to be miserable for the rest of the night and then only prescription is more drinks up in his system. Oh, he'll keep drinking and drinking, but not to have a good time and embarrass himself on the dance floor, no he's drowning his sorrows with his best friends Jack and Jose.

"I'm so drunk," but only had one peppermint schnapps girl/one beer guy

This is the person that will have a single beer at 10 p.m. and then at 11:00 he/she is all over the place. Everyone knows it's fake because no one else is drunk. That, and the fact that friends hoping to catch this guy faking it, switched his beer to O'Doul's.

Takes drinking games too seriously guy

If you weren’t aware that beer pong is an Olympic sport, this guy will let you know. He takes serious to a whole other level. Most people think everyone is the winner of drinking games because you wind up drunk and have fun doing it, not this guy. Are you struggling with your 6th flip of that cup? He's going high school football coach on you and screaming at you like you dropped an open touchdown. Or perhaps your card is called and you have to take five drinks but you take a few sips and call it even. After all you’re taking it easy tonight. Not so fast my friend. He's not letting that slide, he'll count out the sips for you if he needs to. Are your pong cups are looking a little light? He'll fill ‘em up for you. He's undefeated in pong (which he continuously refers to as, Beirut) on the night, and he'll let you know about it. In fact, he knows his all time record (63-8 over the past 4 years). He’s also bending his back and putting backspin on the ball to reduce drag, and if he misses the clinching shot, forget about. You’re getting hit with “this is bullshit,” or “if it wasn’t for (partner’s name) missing like 5 shots in a row, we’d a won that shit.”

Stoner Guy

Forget drinks. Stoner guy's coming equipped with everything he needs in his pocket and a zip-loc bag. While every one's dancing, playing beer pong, talking, and trashing the place, stoner guy just wants to watch Half Baked or Family Guy.

Buzzkill Guy

Buzzkill guy is the one that’s chilling at the party saying nothing, talking to no one and wants to leave. He’s got his arms crossed and he simply does not approve of the situation. He’s thinking about all the things he could be doing, none of which are being at this party.

Killjoy AKA Fight Guy AKA "What was that?" Guy

This guy is in the same family as buzzkill guy because inevitably his actions kill the mood. The main difference here is that he'll come around to where you're hanging out and he'll start ragging on one of your friends. At first it's funny. But then Killjoy guy takes it too far and it's clear that the guy getting ragged on is getting pissed. Killjoy guy sees this and decides to go for the kill, because his goal is to get into a fight. Only until he can see that there's no way he's starting a fight does he finally recede back to where he was before. By the end of his tirade though things are awkward and the good times are killed and we're all left wondering, "What was that about?"

Song ADD Guy

You walk into the room and think, “ah I love this song.” Five seconds later it’s changed. You look and Song ADD guy is manning the iPod. This guy totally sucks because not only does he switch the song but he ruins the moment. You've got some hot skank who you've been eying all party grinding with you to some Akon and BAM! One minute later he puts on Love Shack because he wants to get up and boogey. So now you’re pissed but hey, Love Shack is a catchy song so you get into that, until before the first chorus you’re now listing to him sing along to the Backstreet Men (boys). Songs do have a natural end Song ADD Guy, and rest assured; another song will pop up. We’ve set the play list for a reason so let it go buddy, let it go.

Gets REALLY loud Guy

People naturally get loud when they're drunk. We get that. But this guy gets REALLY loud, to the point where it's obnoxious. He's so loud that you would be able to hear him if you were at a Hard Rock Café.

Drunk Dial Guy

He's drunk and everyone in his phonebook needs to know about it. He calls his girlfriend, his best friend, the chick that's in his group for Marketing, he won't stop. He's saying whatever on his mind and he's sure to regret it the next day, but tonight he's drunk, he's dialing and no one is safe, "oh hey grandma, long time no talk…."

Drunken eating guy

It's 3:30 a.m. and he's about to pass out, but he's ordering that extra large Domino's with everything on it, even though it doesn’t matter what’s on it. It could just be some dough and it's gonna taste delicious. He already went through all the food in his fridge, including his roommate’s dinners for the next week and eaten up every last chip and cookie in the house. And while he waits for the Domino’s, he’s putting some bagel bites in the oven and perhaps some frozen fries too.

Human Wrecking Ball Guy

You have to watch out for this guy because he’s got years of suppressed anger boiling up inside him. His dad never liked him so after drinking 16 beers he’s taking out on the house he’s in. The wall’s getting a hole, the window’s getting smashed and he’s going to end up with blood somewhere on himself or the wall.

The world is my bathroom guy

This is the guy who’s so drunk that he’s going to go to the bathroom wherever his urine happens to land on. It could be his own bed, it could be on the couch, it may even be your closet. It doesn’t matter, because when you gotta go, you gotta go, and when you’ve drank an entire case by yourself, the flood gates are going to need to open sooner or later.

Option E guy

Just like option E on the SAT’s, this guy is ‘All of the Above.’ He’s able to chug his drink in a single gulp, makes out with everybody, he gets wasted, plays beer pong too seriously, then sees his ex which makes him miserable, smokes a little, changes the songs for 15 minutes, and is now a waste case. He then calls everyone he knows, he gets really loud and obnoxious, starts dissin’ your friend until it’s awkward, but makes everyone feel better by ordering a ton of food on his credit card at 2:00 a.m. However, before he gets the food he passes out in the bathroom, but not before he’s pissed all over the place and tore off the toilet seat for no reason. If you’ve had this night, congrats, you’re the stuff of legend.

Pat and John's guide to "what the hell is the sportscaster talking about?"

If you're a person who seldom or never watches sports on TV, the following guide will help you understand the jargon you may hear during the course of a sporting event. If you're a hardcore sports fan, the following should sound familiar to you and will act less like a guide, but more as a refresher course on what a sportscaster ACTUALLY is saying.

Today's guide will focus on Player Terms.

A Player's player: Contrary to what you may think, this means the player is well-respected by his teammates, as opposed to its other definition: To be a player owned or possessed by another player.

The Player's player is normally only OK at best at the game, but makes up for crappy athleticism with good old fashion perseverance.

Examples
NBA: Derrek Fisher, PG LA Lakers
NFL: Kevin Faulk, RB New England Patriots
MLB: Jason Kendall, C Milwaukee Brewars

Professional hitter: Technically all non-pitching baseball players are "professional hitters," so what the hell is the difference between a professional hitter, and a hitter who just happens to be professional?

This term is applied to those guys who only hit singles (because they're often too slow to beat a throw to second base). Because collecting singles is their only real asset to a team, these guys normally suck at defense, too. Professional Hitters also don't show emotion and are a boring person to hear interviewed. This is not because they were born to hit, rather created by Dr. Silberman, lead scientist for CyberTech during the late 90's .

ex: John Olerud and BJ Surhoff, both formerly of the Baltimore Orioles

Crafty Lefty – A baseball term applied to left-handed pitchers ONLY. There is never, and nor will there ever be a crafty Righty (despite Paul Byrd's best attempts to be the first). In this phrase, "crafty" means two things: old, and they can't throw anything over 80 MPH.

Ex: Jamie Moyer (left), age 45, Philadelphia Phillies

Innings Eater- This is another term for a below average pitcher. They "eat" innings, where as a good pitcher is just a good pitcher. You don't hear Johan Santana described as an innings eater, you hear he's an ace, or he's filthly or he's a stud. Joe Blanton on the other hand, is an innings eater, and he's eating a lot more than innings if you looked at him.
Note: Blanton is the exception to the rule as a majority of Baseball's 'inning eaters' are Latin.
ex: Livan and Orlando Hernandez

Wiley Veteran: This term is glossed to people whose skills have diminished but somehow make up for it with experience and smarts. Has anything else besides the coyote and a veteran been described as wiley?
ex: Brett Favre

Grizzled Vet: The "wiley veteran's" long lost brother. The grizzled vet has been around forever and knows everything about the game. He also always seems to have some sort of beard working, or at least some scruff. This is his way of paying homage to the first Grizzle, Grizzly Adams.

Ex. Jake Taylor (catcher from the movie Major League)

Not afraid to get dirty: Contrary to most professional athletes who are afraid to get dirty because they don't want their mom (undoubtedly seen in the Campbell's soup commercials) to yell at them for getting grass stains on those white pants again, these guys go for it anyway. They dive, not just when necessary, but for anything. The ball might be 10 feet over their head, but they're gonna make the highlight reel or dye (their pants)* trying.
*Pun of the year award to Pat Henderson.

Quiet leader/leads by example: These guys "lead by example" for one reason. They have no personality. These players are good at one thing, playing. Social settings make them uncomfortable and they have only one M.O.: get their work in and get the hell out. They keep to themselves, they don't bother talking to anyone, and because of this they default into "leading by example" which they didn't sign up for, because they'd be uncomfortable with that, too.
Ex: Marvin Harrison (When he's not shooting at people)

Good clubhouse guy: A player who essentially is useless on the field, but because of his ability to make some of the players laugh or break up a fight, he gets paid the league minimum to stay on the squad.


Sean Casey, Kevin Millar

Paying the ultimate price/sacrifice: Can you really be considered giving the ultimate sacrifice if you're getting paid in excess of $500,000? Apparently you can. Funny, I always thought the ultimate sacrifice was giving your life. In sports things aren't as grave, so ultimate sacrifice refers to a players' ability to practice regularly, AKA doing their job. Also putting yourself in harm's way to dive after a ball is considered paying the price as well.
Not example: Allen Iverson


Plays the game right: This player sucks. There's no other way to say it. He practices like it's the championship, and you like to have him as a teammate, but you also don't. He sucks worse than you, he just has the "heart of a champion," "has the will to win," "puts his team ahead of him." Bottom line: If this loser had even a shred of athletic talent, he'd be awesome, but also wouldn't try so hard.
i.e. Rudy Ruettiger

Knows what to do with the ball: Sure, some players catch the ball and go the wrong way with it...


...But, not "knows what to do with the ball" guy though. He's smart enough to keep dribbling, or run toward the correct endzone. This is the guy who won't do something dumb to embarrass the team or himself in the process.



A flair for the dramatic: This player scares the shit out of you. He is your closer who walks the bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th in a 1 run game with 0 outs and strikes out the next 3 hitters. He's the basketball player who when you're down by 2 takes a fade-away 3 from the corner with 2 guys on him, he's the quarterback who throws deep into double coverage on 4th and 1 when the tight end is open 5 yards out. Most importantly he's lucky and succeeds, because if he failed in doing this, he wouldn't HAVE "a flair for the dramatic" he would HAVE to find a new job.

Seasoned Pro: This could mean that he's been touched up with herbs and spices, but it doesn't. Instead, he's just an old dude still playing ball.

A "Competitor": We know sportscaster guy, all athletes are competitors in some way. They are after all "competing for the ultimate prize." But a competitor borders on nuts. They will do anything to win. Bite an ear off, amputate a finger, etc.
ex: Ronnie Lott once amputated part of his finger after fracturing it during a game so he could keep playing.

"Lott, of course, had the tip of his left pinky finger amputated from an injury suffered during the 1985 season. Sacrifices are part of the game, but Lott doesn't have any regrets other than the fact that his finger "looks like E.T.'s head." Lott compares it to a woman who needs to have her breast removed after discovering she has breast cancer and says his sacrifice is not as great as hers or the U.S. soldiers fighting overseas. Lott has no idea where his amputated finger is now, nor does he care.
- Dan Patrick Show

Note for White players

Sometimes there's blatant stereotype put against the white folk who play sports. Thanks to the movie, "White Men Can't Jump" and also supported by the fact that white
people for the most part, can't jump, you may hear the following described about a white athlete.

Deceptively fast/underrated speed: Even if this guy was the fastest guy on the field, he's deceptively fast? Why? Because he's white. Obviously. There's no way he should be able to run that fast, but somehow he overcomes his skin color. span>

Infomercials: A How to and the Top 10.

The Following are 14 rules that can be your unofficial guide to making a successful infomercial.

1. Use Black & White footage to show how bad any other product that does the same thing is

No matter how easy it is to use another product, this black and white footage is going to make even the simplest task look like rocket science. The best example of this is for the space saver Tupperware infomercial. I mean how hard is it really to put things into a container? Well the space saver people show a woman trying to do this and inevitably all the containers fall all over her as if the cabinet was making it rain Tupperware.

Note: It's very important in the black and white footage to throw up the giant red "x" superimposed over the shot, just in case you didn't know that this indeed was the wrong way.

2. Have a loud and overly energetic host

The viewer fell asleep because its 3am on a Thursday night? Well your host should WAKE THEM UP. The most important trait of a good Infomercial host is to be able to talk louder than any other human being. Billy Mays who is the host for dozens of infomercials does it right with his yelling approach, Oxi Clean gets embedded into your dreams. Matthew Lesko? Remember him? Are these question marks ringing a bell? He's the guy with the question mark suit. Is there a more irritatingly loud squeaky voice then his? If he was just talking to you about how his day is going then they answer would be a resounding NO, but because that loud, irritating, squeaky voice is telling you how you can get a free government loan to open up a shop specializing in chewing gum, well he might as well be Barry White because you could listen to that talk all night.

3. It's an added bonus if the host has an English/Australian accent

Just ask the people with the "tap light" and they'll tell you that the reason they sold so many of those dastardly things is because of the Australian guy hosting the infomercial. His ability to say "Top Law-ight" instead of Tap Light was so key. It keeps you watching because you want him to ask you, "You call that a light? This is a light!" But 15 minutes into it, you just wanted the light instead. “Holy shit, I can put that light in my closet? I can make a walkway out of dozens of them? I NEED THAT.”

So if Billy Mays isn’t around to host your shiz, you better lob a long distance call to some Australian Bloke.

4. Make sure you show the product being used for things you'd never use it for

This is the step where you want to wow your viewers. They already know a knife can cut a piece of chicken, but they didn't know that your knife CAN CUT THROUGH A CAR. It's one thing if your adhesive can hold a picture to a wall, but it’s another thing if your adhesive can be made into a chain to PULL A BOAT. By making your customers realize these aren't just towels, but rug cleaning, moisture soaking pieces of cloth made by the hands of god himself, they'll realize they have to buy them.

Plus, what if you lock your keys in your car and cant wait for AAA? You know your not going to be cutting that car door off with any ol regular knife, you need your Miracle Blade.


The Magic Bullet Shows Rules 3, 4, and 7 in action

5. Product better have a catchy name

In business and real estate it's all about location, location, location. In the world of infomercials it's all about the name of the product. There are two ways of going about this. You better mention what kind of product it is but throw a noun in front of it: i.e. The George Foreman Grill, Red Devil Grill, etc. The other way of naming a product is simply giving it some sort of exciting or thought-provoking word and tag-team it with a verb/noun; i.e. OxyClean, ShamWOW, The Magic Bullet.


The Aptly Named "Tiddy Bear"

6. If at all possible have a catchy slogan too

The RONCO Showtime Rotisserie BBQ, which is the best infomercial of all time (see below), still is the benchmark of infomercial slogans with the timeless slogan, "Set it, and forget it."

7. Have a lame/dumb sidekick who has "never used the product before" and is always amazed by the result

The dumb sidekick is essential for the infomercial. He/She is the average American in the infomercial's eye: dumb and a sucker for anything. They chime in with the commentary on the product, normally saying how easy a product is to use.
Lines that are commonly used are:
"And, so that's all I have to do?"
"Wow, that's just too easy."
"Why have all this stuff, when I only need one of these (name of product)"

They are also there to segue into you buying the product. The following is normally how that convo goes:
Dumb Sidekick: Okay, so X does all that and it's this easy to use?
Inventor: It sure does
DS: Okay, but I bet it costs a fortune.
I: nope actually it's only 3 easy payments of ___
DS: So wait, you're telling me I get the X for the price of just $___?
I: That's right
DS: No way, that can't be. Can I get it in a store?
I: Nope only through this 'exclusive' offer
DS: Well America you heard it here, you can only get this offer right now if you call the number on your screen…

8. Include real on-the-street/audience testimonials

It is important to show your viewers how your product has completely changed the lives of regular people just like them. Stuff like, "before I bought the Miracle blade, me and my sister were Siamese twins, thanks to its space age blade we took care of that!"

In this section you can also show how "Top Professionals" use your product. Professional car washer Miguel Rodriguez uses the ShamWow to dry all the cars that he services, "The cloth, it gets car dry mang, really dry mang"

*Note: if you can have someone that has a cowboy hat, or looks like they're a hick, or a "real American" as Sarah Palin would call them, you better take the opportunity and interview them.

9. You better tell us that you're selling us the product for 150% less than you'd get it in the store.

As the customer, we need to know how much this piece of crap is going to cost us in the store. Without mentioning how much this thing costs at a retail store, we would think that the product is only sold on TV, and that means it's not store-worthy. For some reason if this product is sold in a store, we think, "hey, it's sold in stores, it must be good." So giving us the outrageous “store price” or “retail price” will make us think it's a good product and when they pull the old switch-aroo for the "special offer" it damn well looks like we're stealing it.

10. Before giving us the final price, tell us how much it isn't going to cost and also give us a payment plan. By the way those payments better be "easy."

They already told you that you’re getting a better deal than in the stores, but they didn't tell you how much of a better deal. You're not paying $600 for this rotisserie grill, NO your not even paying $400, as a matter of fact you’re not going to pay $200, you my friend are only on the hook for 10 easy payments (what makes these payments so easy anyways?) of $19.99. That's right, you call and you’re getting the deal of a lifetime, but wait what's that? If we call right now we get what?......

11. Along with step 10, tell us what we get if we call NOW and how much everything that comes with the product would cost separately

As if the "easy payment" and a reduction in price from the store wasn't enough to buy this thing, we also get a ton more crap with this special offer. Not only do we get the "Lean, Mean, Grillin Machine" but if we call now they'll throw in the grill cleaner, tongs, recipe book, lifetime supply of meats and one of George Forman's kids. Then they'll let us know that if we bought each of these things separately it'd cost $500 and hours of labor/pain, but by calling now, we get all of this for 5 easy payments of $19.99, making us think, we're getting $500 worth of stuff for $30 bucks, how can I not buy this!?

12. Give us a timer on how much time we have left to buy the product

Of course, these deals are “limited time only,” or “limited supplies so order now.” In fact they are so limited that they will only play this same infomercial EVERY night for the next two years. But if you’re still on the fence, and the words ‘limited,’ ‘supply,’ and ‘time’ didn’t get you, this next tactic will. The timer. The timer normally comes up on the phone number shot: you know the blue background with two side-by-side clips showing everything you’ve already scene about the product. On the right hand side of the screen that giant yellow 10-minute clock starts winding down and now you don’t even want the product, you just want to beat that clock. This isn’t about necessity anymore, it’s not about, “I have to have this.” No sir, it’s about, “I have to beat that damn clock.”

13. Knock off a payment if we order it NOW with a credit card, and repeat steps 9 through 11

The final piece-de-resistance is knocking off a payment. If all the previous add-ons plus the timer didn’t pressure you into buying it, the removal of the payment is the no-holds-bared tried-and-true these-colors-don’t-bleed atomic bomb they drop on you at the end. For this step, it’s key to make sure you throw in a completely different voice over too. Make sure the audio frequency doesn’t match and there’s a total different static noise in the background because this is getting recorded after you realize you’re not selling shit for the first 3 months.

“…But wait! If you order now with your credit card, we’ll knock of ONE WHOLE PAYMENT! Now it’s only three easy payments of 19.95.”


Rules 11-13 perfectly played.

14. Finally, never allow for C.O.D.'s or Money Orders

Never allow for any Cash on Deliveries or Money Orders. At this point we the customer assume you’re not accepting either of those forms of payment, but for some reason you’ll accept the Diner’s Club Card? Oh well, these are the rules, we don’t make this stuff up.


Top 10 Infomercials of all-time:

1. Ronco – Showtime Rotisserie BBQ

Ron Popeil has made a living at this and you can see it all comes together in this one. He’s a seasoned pro and he pulls no stops in this one. A freaking studio audience chanting, “set it and forget it?” Does it get any better than this? No stone is left unturned (except for the one in the rotisserie BBQ). All the tricks are pulled.

√ Voiceover easy payment subtraction
√ Energetic host
√ Dumb Sidekick
√ Slogan
√ Useless stuff throw-ins: The slicer (because now the only tears we’ll have for cutting onions are tears of joy), the gloves, the “flavor injector,” recipe guide, the steam trays, etc, it’s all here. But seriously Popeil, you’re “including” the booklet of coupons as a bonus? And don’t tell me you just valued that thing at over $250?

2. Girls Gone Wild infomercials

Watching Spike TV or Comedy Central at 2:00 a.m.? Oh you’re getting hit with this one. It’s not a traditional ad, but it’s got what almost every one of these other products doesn’t have, nearly naked girls and lots of shots of them lifting their shirts and showing us their censor bars. Plus the steel drum in the beginning? How recognizable are those first four notes?

3. Free Money to Pay Your Bills w/ Matthew Lesko

Lesko is a master. He’s also a game changer by infusing two special things to his infomercial: a suit that’s almost as loud as him and constant shot changes. One second he’s telling us how we can get the gov’t to pay for our taxes somehow whilst on the steps of congress, the next shot he’s walking in front of Wall St. No matter what though, he’s always, I mean always moving.

4. Extenze "male enhancement" pills

With their testimonial slogan, “They’re giving away pills for free? It must be good!” and “If we didn’t sell so many pills, could we afford to do this?” they have officially just come out and said, “Okay America, you’re dumb and we know it.” Also you have to love the different ways they try to say it makes your dick bigger without actually saying it.
- Male Enhancement
- Improves the size of that certain part of the Male Body

5. Oxy Clean

- Billy Mays has basically convinced us to buy repackaged detergent that we put in addition to our normal detergent. I mean you add it to soap! This doesn’t even need to do anything, but shit, anything to make our “whites whiter.”

6. ShamWow

The salesman of this thing is just a straight asshole. But somehow he’s SO authoritative that he makes you feel bad for doubting it. Also he’s brought a modern head-microphone into the mix which says one of two things: 1. I am a backup dancer. 2. I work at Old Navy. Either way, that headpiece is definitely stolen from his other job

7. The D.R. Trimmer/Wood chipper

After watching the DR Trimmer infomercial, it’s easy to conclude that this machine is the sole reason for deforestation.

8. Magic Bullet Blender

The Magic Bullet is the gunshot that killed JFK. It’s also a blender that can serve drinks AND feed a family of four.


9. Juiceman Juicer

This guy’s been at this thing for so long. It is rumored that his eyebrows can make him fly and also give him the ability to see into the future.

10. Foreman Grill:

The Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine? Really that was the best title we could get for this product? I’m amazed they could fit it onto the grill cover.


Honorable Mention:

The Eyebrow and beard trimmer:

This makes the list because the have the balls to call this thing an eyebrow trimmer, when really we all know that’s just code for pube trimmer.



Special to Pat and John On…


By Jerome Palmeri
Infomercial Connoisseur










My Top 5:

1. Even edging out the Showtime rotisserie the Red Devil Grill because they market it like it was the thing you could cook everything on. Like fuck your whole kitchen, the red devil is better than all of it and it was just a little tailgating grill.
And it also had the SUPER SKILLET, that was just a huge wok

2. Showtime Rotisserie

3. Pancake Puff Maker

4. Nuwave Oven

5. Foreman grill, or better yet one of the knock offs.

* Honorable mention

Any knife set infomercial. Those fucking knives! You could use them to cut through bricks, and don't forget the fucking chop n' scoop.
The way they talk about the knives I wonder like why we need scalpels in hospitals or even the jaws of life when these knives do it all and NEVER dull.
And what’s with the filleting knife and the garnishing knife? who the fuck ever needs those? As long as I got a big butcher's knife that can help me with my amateur diamond-cutting business, I'm happy.

Oh and don’t forget the eggwave, remember that shit? Because eggs are so hard to make.
In fact, those I think make the best infomercials. Shit that is made to seem like you need it and it can do everything, but you are like, this does nothing. Like the pancake puff thing? oh great! I can eat all my baked goods in ball form now. Thanks pancake puffer.


Finally, The "Advertising Lullaby" by the late, great George Carlin

Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience
Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.

Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
Free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.

No cash?No problem!No kidding!No fuss, no muss,
No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.

Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money,
Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately,
not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,
Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,
Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.

So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff.Our experienced and
knowledgeable will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.

And say, don't forget to pick up your free: a classic deluxe
custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select
gourmet pocket pencil sharpener.Yours for the asking,
no purchase necessary.It's our way of saying thank you.

And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary
bonus at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer
luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination
key ring, magnifying glass, and in a genuine
imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary.It's our way of
saying thank you.

Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick this big dick up your ass a little bit
deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable
no-good dumbass fucking consumer!

It's the Little Things...that piss us off.

Just as is the case in life that little things can make us happy, little things can make us irritable, too. The following list comprises a small sample of those things we all suffer through on the day-to-day grind.

Technology Failures:

• Internet crashes: There's never a good time to be left without the Internet. But for some reason the World Wide Web knows when you're actually trying to get something accomplished. Sure, the Internet was going great when you were checking Facebook and that hilarious video of that hamster on YouTube, but now that you actually need to get something important done, like say, emailing your boss. It is at this very moment that the Internet shits the bed. This is inevitably the internet's way of saying, "Hey dillweed, maybe you should have been doing this first instead of putting it off."

• Paper jam: The same rules apply for the paper jam as do for the Internet. It only stops working when you're printing out your resume for the interview in 30 minutes. However, last night it was perfect when you printed a 16-page poster of your fantasy team logo, or the other day when you printed a self-portrait exquisitely created in Microsoft Paint.

"Losing" your keys: We all have 'lost' our keys about a billion times. Although, you know you haven't really lost them, but rather you've simply misplaced them somewhere. So, you begin frantically searching your place, and if there's someone else around, you're about to be greeted with a, "What are you looking for?" This is of course followed by, "My keys," which is followed by the other person saying, "Well, where was the last place you saw them?" What an annoying question, right? Annoying because now you're retracing your steps like an idiot. "Well, first I entered the door, then I took a dump, then I checked the fridge, then etc, etc." This isn't going to help because even if you retrace every step you're still going to fall into the classic “key-finding mode.”

Just like a dog trying to find a tennis ball you didn't actually throw, you're going to be looking everywhere and wind up looking dumb in the process. This is because you're always looking in the dumbest places. Chances are, they're probably not in the fridge, but you check that anyway. Chances are they're not in the medicine cabinet, but you're bound to look there, too. That's because when people search for their keys, anything with a door or a compartment is fair game. You open every drawer in the house looking for these damn things. And even though you haven't been in the attic in three years, you take a gander there also. In fact the only good thing about looking for your keys is that you're bound to find something else you were looking for 2 months ago. Eventually, the only thing this key searching yields is the finding of four things you weren’t looking for and of course, no keys. The kicker in this whole deal after you give up and grab your spare set only to discover that your “lost” keys were in your car all along.


Candy Bar Gets Stuck: Getting a 2-for-1 candy bar deal is amazing. But getting a 0-for-1 deal is absolutely infuriating. The little coils turn and turn but then hanging there like Sly Stallone in Cliffhanger are your Cool Ranch Doritos. Awful. Now you've got three options:

1. Buy another pack of Cool Ranch Doritos
2. Leave feeling rejected and ashamed
3. Violently shake that damn machine until it give you what you paid for.

Without fail, you know you're trying option 3. Despite the fact that hundreds of people are killed by toppled vending machines each year, you're determined to make sure those three quarters were not wasted. The process of shaking the vending machine always follows the same order. First you kick it. When that doesn't work, shove it. When that doesn't work you go to DEFCON 3: Operation Hulk. Just like a hungry version of the Hulk, no vending machine wants to see you when you're angry. You are wrapping your arms around that machine as if you haven't seen it in years and this machine is your lover. Except, there's no love in this exchange. It's straight rage as you violently try to do your best Superman impression and lift this thing back to Krypton. However, "despite all your rage, you're still just a rat in a cage." A rat without chips that is. On the plus side though, you've probably burned the calories you would have consumed with those chips. Unless you’re going option 1 at this point, you’re stuck at option 2, and don’t nobody like number 2.


Assholes at the Movies: As if paying $10.50 for any movie wasn't enough, but now you've got to contend with the mess of 8th grade punks thinking they're hot shit talking all the way through your movie. Look, I know Forgetting Sarah Marshall is not exactly a movie that is essential for silence, but have some courtesy huh? Oh, and babies in the movie? Awful. Of course the baby and the parents are at a movie in which there should in no way be a baby at, for example Gladiator. Other than the negligent parenthood of showing a 3-year old Russell Crowe stabbing people, who brings a baby to the movie anyway? Honestly. When you had that baby you signed a 3-year unwritten contract that explicitly says: For the next 3 years you will have no social life. Sorry to break the news.

DVD Skipping: So your last movie was ruined by loud patrons and crying babies. This time you’re taking this into your own hands and you’re going to settle down with that Netflix movie you got three weeks ago. Finally you’ll chew through Michael Clayton so that way you can return it for whatever’s next on your queue. Well after watching two hours of exposition, Clayton is finally starting to get somewhere, when suddenly at the film’s peak … … How frustrating right? Say what you will about VHS, but that shiz never skipped at least. What follows is the guide for how to un-scratch a DVD. Eject it. Breath on the disc. Wipe it with your sleeve. Go to the chapter guide and pick up where you left off (of course you’ve just seen brief glimpses of the next 3 chapters that follow). Rinse and repeat my friend.

The Slow Line at the Grocery Store: The grocery store is frustrating enough. Fighting through the aisles, getting through the displays, avoiding wasteful spending on stupid things you don’t need. But now comes the finality of all you’ve worked for, picking the right cashier line. No matter what you never pick the right one. A lot goes into consideration when taking your pick too. How much stuff do the people in front of you have, how fast does the cashier look, etc. But all that goes out the window when someone whips out that checkbook. That might as well be an airport security inspection. Regardless, it’s impossible to pick the right lane and you’re staying for 10 minutes longer.

Waking up with pimple on face: Is there anything worse than waking up with a pimple or an emerging pimple on your face? Sure there are, but it’s pretty awful. What an awful surprise that is. Waking up sucks. But waking up and you can feel that pimple sitting there? Horrible.

Paper Cuts: How can something so little hurt so big? Paper cuts are awful. You slide your hand across the desk to grab a piece of paper and all the sudden you're in a world of hurt. It stings, you suck on it and it burns, nothing you do helps. The worse thing about a paper cut is you can barely even see it, but you sure can feel it, and you feel it all day long. Every time you reach in your pocket, every time you extend your finger, you’re feeling it.


Bird crap you cant get off of windshield: there is a phrase: “the world is your oyster.” It means you have the freedom to do whatever you want. Well, to birds, the world is their toilet, and they have the freedom to GO wherever they want. With utter disregard to us ground folk, our air fairing "friends" just shoot down little bombs whenever they feel like it, leaving it to land on the ground, your head, or your car windshield, amongst other places. When you get out to your car and find some of these little presents awaiting you, you try to get them off with the windshield wipers and some washer fluid. That usually works unless you get a real caked on crap. No matter how much work you put into this one its not coming off. Even a little oxyclean ain’t getting that off. The worst part about this semi permanent spot is that it is all you look at while you’re driving. You can’t take your eyes off it. It’s there and you want it gone. Your tools are failing you and there is nothing you can do but continue to stare at it and hope you intimidate it off of the windshield.

Annoying song stuck in your head: You hear songs everywhere, everyday. You drive and listen to the radio, you walk and hear people humming, you watch TV, your phone rings, etc. Music is going in and out of our heads all day, that is until one song gets stuck. Certain songs just do that, it might be because they're catchy, or you love that song, or the annoying dude in the cubicle behind you has been singing it all day, however when it gets stuck in there, it’s virtually impossible to get out. Like a rough spell of diarrhea, you gotta just let it run its course and take care of itself before you can move on. The worst part about a song being stuck in your head is as soon as you finally forget about it, someone is going to come by singing it again.

Machine wont take wrinkly dollar bill: When you go to buy a soda or a candy bar from a vending machine you slide your dollar in there and wait for it to process. Sometimes your dollar shoots back to you, so you look at the diagram and make sure George is lined up right and try it again but it comes back again. So you use the side of the machine like an ironing board and flatten it out, slide it back in waiting to hear the clicking noise of the dollar getting accepted then bam its back out again. You can’t get the crinkles out, that bill is not getting accepted. The most frustrating thing about this is you have the money for what you want, but it wont let you buy it. If this were a personal transaction between customer and clerk you'd be eating your Snickers bar, but your dollar bill isn't good enough for this machine, and you’re not good enough for its Snickers.

Sunburn on the top of your feet: Sunburns in general suck, they burn, they sting, someone slaps it and it burns and stings but the sunburn on the top of your feet is the all time worst. Any type of clothing touching a sunburn is a painful experience, but when the sunburn is on your feet and you have to wear shoes and socks on it all day, rubbing back and forth every step you take, it brings the sun sting to a whole new level.

Burning your tongue: Is the hot chocolate cool enough to drink? Well there's only one way to find out…ahhhhhhhh that 2 centimeter square of taste buds won't be working for the next few days. The only way to avoid this really is to use your finger to gage the hotness, but then you look like a weird-o to whoever your with, so just wait for one of them to do the inevitable and burn their tongue first, wait a few minutes and give it a go yourself. You could blow on the drink, but that’s splattering all over the place. Or you could go inward cooling, that is, breathing in as you drink. But that’s no good either. Basically the best thing to do is use the digit, or simply wait until the next day when the hot chocolate reaches a tolerable temp.

Being behind the slow driver on a one lane road: Not that we are for driving really fast, but there is a comfortable pace, about 10-15 mph over the speed limit that is good to cruise in. You don't want to have everyone on your ass because you are going slow, but you don't want to be the asshole bobbing and weaving between cars like Barry Sanders in his prime. No one wants to be that “hero.”

Anyway, the highway is a place for everyone, to each their own lane. When someone wrongly crosses over to a lane that is out of their league they'll realize it soon enough when everyone starts passing them on the right. While there are options on the highway, the one lane road on the other hand is road rage waiting to happen. If you are on a one-lane road long enough you are inevitably going to be stuck behind someone out for a stroll in the park. This car is going the speed limit, or even 5 mph over but you want to go a little faster. It’s like trying to run on a treadmill that only has 1 speed, the slow walk. Whether you want to or not you’re going to be riding this car’s ass like an 8th grader at a school dance. You’re Zoro, and this shit-tard in the Oldsmobile is the horse. All you can do is cuss this car out in your head or to your co pilot, "you believe this asshole?" and hope that this car turns off soon, because your only other choice is the one lane road pass, a risky maneuver and let’s face it, that maneuver automatically says to everyone on the road, “hey, look, I’m an asshole.”