Flying on the Airplane

So every stand up comic has a bit about airplanes and the airport, so why shouldn't we? Seinfeld asks us why we don't chew through the seat belt and mocks how they also tell us how to put on a seat belt in case we haven't been in a car since 1965.

George Carlin tells us about the jargon used to get on the plane. "Everybody get ON the plane. Fuck you I'm getting IN the plane. Let Evil Kenevil get ON the plane."

So in typical Pat and John style, here's the list of people you could be sitting next to on the plane.

Before we start on the people though, let's just say there's several main things that go into this moment. When you're sitting in your seat already and you see the row of people coming down the aisle of the plane, the key is not to make eye contact. Never make eye contact with any of the people listed below, because that's a "one way ticket" to getting sat next to and that 5-hour flight to California is now suddenly 10 hours. Also, before we get onto people, a brief list of things in the plane.

Pre-Flight instructions (seat belts: High-Tech Shit)

I don't know about you, but we've flown a lot. But no matter how many times I (John) always look at the Stuarts/stewardess. As crabby and shitty they can be, they're still trained to know what the F to do in a bad situation. Look at the plane that ditched in the Hudson the other day. I don't mind listening to the little "what to do in an emergency" show. What i don't want though (Southwest Airlines, I'm looking at you) is your phony little stand up performance. "In the occurrence we lose cabin pressure, please put your mask on first before assisting others. Then, pick your favorite child and help them first." HA HA. Very nice little one-liner there. I didn't know I was on the plane with Air Marshall Lisa Lamponelli here.

Beverage Service: Here comes the beverage cart asshole

Now there's nothing more key than getting that free drink. Drunk Guy gets the $5 nips, but the rest of us get the soda. My question is, why do they still serve tomato juice? Are enough people getting bloody mary's to warrant keeping cans of tomato drink (drank) on the plane?
Anyway, there's a few things you know are going to happen. Your cup you get, it's got cylindrical ice cubes. I think the airlines have a contract with Circular Ice Co. If you're on an international flight, you're getting one of those bad ass little 8 oz. soda cans. So key. Another thing you're getting is poor timing. Either they come by with the trash 2 minutes after handing your drink out, or they're not coming for 3 hours. Neither situation is good. Chug down your Diet Coke or have an empty cup (you've already eaten all the ice cubes) sitting in the seat-back pocket in front of you which is inconvenient too.

Now onto that F-ing beverage cart. Remember in Braveheart when they're trying to bust down them doors of the castle with that huge contraption? It's like 6 tree logs on wheels. Well that thing had nothing on the beverage cart. If they had a beverage cart back in the day, people wouldn't have even tried locking doors to the castle. They'd see that luggage cart and be like, "ugh just open the door, we don't stand a chance." And that's the stance you should take if you're on the aisle seat. If your elbow is over the armrest even 1/2 and inch, your funny bone's not gonna be laughing very long. Oh and unless you're interested in losing like 1/2 your foot, you best keep that thing in front of you til the coast is clear. The thing is, the flight attendants know this, and they don't care. The cart might as well be a monster truck and you're head, which is leaning in the aisle cause you fell asleep, is the junky car it's going to devour. Beware the Bevie Cart.

Snacks

To cut costs, it seems no airlines pony up for a meal anymore. No sir, the days of those wonderful little tasty meals are over. So now you're getting a "Snack Pack" if you're on Southwest, or a choice of 2 snacks on JetBlue. I don't know what United or American are doing these days, but for $200 more you can feel free to pay their airfare and find out. Anyway, what it boils down to is, you're getting chips and a pack of cookies. The HUGE peanut bag is still customary, but if they're not the honey-roasted peanuts, I don't even want to see them. Cashews are money though. Either way the best thing to do is buy some food in the terminal for 7 beans. And the best part is when you whip out that club sandwich or salad (Or Samauri Sam's Teryaki Chicken if you're ever in Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport Terminal 4) you're going to be the envy of all those sitting around you. It's like you've just brought out the leftover pizza during elementary schooldays.

In-flight entertainment

Now not every one's going to be joining the Mile-High club on their way to their destination, so fact is, you're going to need some shiz to do.
Some airlines do it right. If you're flying int'l with British Airways, they have a bevy of movie channels that have multiple movies on them for free and some top quality sitcom-only channels. Virgin airlines used to have Super Nintendo, don't know they still do now. JetBlue's got 39 channels of live DirecTV. That shit's epic. But if you're flying Southwest, welcome to the desert wasteland of entertainment. Although to be fair, you paid like 40 bucks to fly to Ft. Lauderdale so what were you expecting? So now it's up to you to entertain yourself. When you were little, that Game Boy was huge for this. Now we've stepped into the 21st century. It's all about the Tetris app you downloaded on your iPhone in the WiFi terminal along with the Pineapple Express and 3 podcasts (Savage Love Podcast, Jim Rome Podcast, and What You Should Know Podcast) you DL'd too. Or there's those things, books. HAHAHAHA, yeah, who reads those.

And now...Who you don't want to sit next to:

Chatty Cathy

You sit down in your seat and get ready to get some reading done or catch up on some sleep, but the chick sitting next to you in 24B has a different idea. They didn't bring any means of entertainment, except for you of course. They start off with the usual plane small talk, "i hope we take off on time" "oh your going on vacation how nice" "well I was born on a cold August day in 1945..." you get to a point where you just give up on sleep or reading and hope the plane goes down cause that's the only way this torture is going to end.

Fat Dude

The proverbial fat guy. Southwest Airlines made a big deal several years ago when they said the would begin charging two seats to big dudes and dudets. They did that because no one wants to sit next to this guy. As mean as it sounds, it's true. The fat's peeling over the armrest. If they need to get by you, it's a "huge" hassle. You know they're going to be sweaty too. In a way fat guy shares similar traits to B.O. Guy only worse, cause he's fat. Fat Guy is even more awkward because you know they know they're fat and it's uncomfortable for them too. Awful.

Sleeps on your shoulder guy

He's had a long week of work and he's gonna catch up on some sleep on the way to his meeting, unfortunately for you sitting in the aisle, he's got the middle seat, the no mans land of flying. If you have the window seat you might as well have a bed because that wall is perfect for sleeping on, and if you have the aisle seat you don't have any support but hey at least you can stretch your legs, but this middle seat guy is tired and that head is bobbin back and forth like the ball in Atari's pong, that is until it reaches its final destination; your shoulder. He subconsciously lands there and finds great comfort in it, creeped out not knowing what to do you shrug your shoulder, slow at first, until the first 50 don't work then your looking like your in seizure with the full body shrugs your giving off, of course you could always wake him up and say, um, excuse me, but that'd just be awkward.

Seat reclines into you guy

You're sitting in your seat minding your own business when all of a sudden your knees just got the hammer dropped on them and you have some dude's bald spot in your grill. So of course you kick his seat a little bit and when that doesn't do anything you have to join him in his skulduggery and lean your seat back into the person behind you, this causes a domino-like chain reaction. Every one's now on the lap of the person sitting behind them, sucks for the guy in 35 E, he's got the wall behind him and that seat is going no where.

Plane is a bar guy

he's getting his vacation started early, it may be 8am on a Wednesday but its 5:00 somewhere and that's where he's headed. He starts off with a bloody mary for 15 bucks and moves right into a honey I shrunk the handle sized vodka then tells the "broski" to throw him a few Heinekens for good measure. It's all about those nips and before you know it, he's been drunk and hungover on the same long ass flight.

Diarrhea guy

- This guy made the horrible error of getting the 2-day old Sbarro cheese pizza in the terminal, and now he's paying for it in the worst way. This guy's gotta go, early and often, and of course he's got the window seat in your row. He's climbing over you like your a hurdle and he's going for the gold, or the porcelain at least. Despite your best efforts, you can't get out of this guys way fast enough. At least there is a lot of space between seats so its easy for him to get by you, OH wait. So you pack up your tray table, laptop, book, bag of peanuts, and drink, stand up and let him walk by only to have to do it again when he comes back in 2 min, rinse and repeat.

Bin Hog

This guy decides to save some time and hassle by throwing his full-sized suitcase in the overhead bin. The thing that no one else knows in row 19 is that it's his bin and we're just livin' in it. With complete disregard for everyone else's little carry-on bags, he pops this bin's cherry by slamming the giant suitcase in there and he's forcing that thing in there like this was some sick luggage porn. After shoving that thing in there, Bin Hog guy tries to close the bin which obviously wont close over his gargantuan monstrosity. This guy, who's never been determined to do anything in his life will not let this go. He could just think, "oh I should probably check this, it's not working." Nope! Instead he gives it the old college try and slams the thing a little harder as if the overhead bin was asking for it: A little harder Bin Hog, A little Harder! That's when you, the witness to this whole fiasco, hears the glass souvenir beer mug you bought, break. Ironic of course because you carried that ish on the plane so you could keep an eye on it. Hopefully your friend likes his new shot glass and 10 shards of glass. Whomp. The thing is, statistically, you're going to get your bag 98% of the time, so why not travel light instead of lugging that thing all over the fuck terminal? It's just not worth saving 5 minutes.

B.O. guy

Who let that onto the plane? This guy makes the taxi driver on the way to the airport smell like fucking roses. Either this guy hasn't showered in 4 days and he's just coming back from 3 forgettable nights from the office company party weekend at the Las Vegas Hyatt, or he's French. Whatever his story is, you're stuck with one fact: This guy fucking wreaks. This guy smells so bad that even the pilot is like, "Damn, what the shit is that smell?" I mean, things could be worse. At least you aren't stuck in a tin box with the same re-cycled air for the next 6 hours, oh wait, that's exactly where you are. By the time you get off the plane even your aunt who you haven't seen in 8 years doesn't wanna get close to you. She's thinking that you've graduated college and now work in the municipal landfill.

The Plane is My Office Guy

He's got some work to do and he's in a suit, so in his mind that makes him clearly more important than you. Oh, that armrest you thought was for the two of you, it's part of his desk now. In fact he's starting to put up pictures of his family on the seat back in front of him and he's putting up his Dilbert calendar, too. With the ambiance now set for working, out comes the computer, the notebook, the folders, the books...he's got business stuff, stuff we'd never know about, to take care of for the next few hours and you're going to pay the price for it. Hopefully you brought your headphones because for the next few hours it's going to sound like the intro to "Murder She Wrote," up in here. I mean, that is unless you like flying to the soundtrack of slamming keys.

Barf Guy

I've never run into barf guy but he's gotta exist, i mean they put those barf bags on the plane for a reason. My biggest fear with this potential barf guy is that he wont get to that bag in time, and even if he does, that's a small target to hit, and not much of an area to fill up if he really goes at it. The last thing you need on your 6-hour flight across country is some over flow spewing on your pants, gross. As someone who is seriously phobic of barfing (John) I have nothing to add to this.

Nervous Nellie

This .guy/lady hates flying. This person is John's mom. If it were up to her she'd be with John Madden on his cruiser bus driving across country. Unfortunately, her boss needs her to be in San Antonio tomorrow for a big presentation so she's on her way, and what's worse for you, she's not taken Dramamine or anything to make her drowsy. White knuckles and veins piercing out of the neck as the plane speeds down the runway are all you can see. As a human being you feel like you need to help her out so you try to calm her down by telling her it'll be fine, you've flown a million times and something is more likely to happen to you on the drive to the airport then when your on the plane. But at the mention of the word crash or accident in your explanation of the safety of an airplane, she shits her pants. Once the plane is up in the air, the tension subsides, a little. But we're still on defcon 5 alert stage here. The first sign of turbulence and she's right back to sweatin' this thing. The worst part is, you, who's not scared of flying, is now suddenly picked up on the panic, and you are also way more jumpy than you'd ever care to be. Oh and if the fasten seat belt sign comes on once again at cruising altitude, it's Armageddon. You want to help, but at some point it's not worth your own sanity and you just gotta throw on your headphones and chill the F out.

Kids/Babies

You never want to be on a plane with kids. Ever. The worst part is, they triple your chance of annoyance. If they're in your row, they're not shutting up. If they're in front of you, your seat back in front of you will be shaking like it's a freaking earthquake. If they're sitting behind you, forget it. Those feet will be pounding and kicking your seat all, flight, long. There's no winning with kids, sorry.

Sick Guy

There's always sick people on the plane, that's just how laws of percentages work. If 200 peeps by on the plane, at least 1/4 of them are sick probably. What you're hoping for is that you don't have to sit next to one of these people. How bad is that feeling when you sit down and dude's got like 3 travel packs of tissues out because he expects he will be using all of it. The sneezing, the coughing, the gross noises: it all adds up to you being sick in like a week.


Happy Traveling from Pat and John!

FASHION is FIERCE

Several weeks ago, we blogged about sports and therefore alienated our female, gay, metro, and fashion-inclined demographic. Well this week we thought we'd bring down the testosterone with a little blog about fashion. But since fashion is visual (sorry blind peeps, we exclude you from the demo again--next week's topic, braille and how the hell blind people can find those bumps on signs in the first place) we thought we'd take a gander at some of the (un)fashionable, predominantly female trends and items you may see at your local mall. In this case, the mall was the Cambridge Galleria.

Now let us explain a few things. We obviously don't know anything about fashion, but it is our belief that heads of several fashion companies get together in a form of collusion and simply come to a consensus about what's going to be the hot ticket this year. They will run through the eras and just start naming shit.
"Pirate shit!" says one man.
"Flannel," says another.
"Indian stuff," says yet another.

Then, when one thing is decided upon, the head of this clan meeting says, "okay, now make it so."

First the expensive companies get the new thing in. What's big in the upscale shops this winter/spring? From what we can tell, ruffles/pirate gear and stuff Pocahontas would wear. Then, after the really fashionable people wear this stuff for a year, it filters down to the bottom feeders who shop at Old Navy, Kohl's, and even later to Wal-Mart and Sears. By the time Sears gets these clothes, high-end stores would have moved onto something new, perhaps feathers or iron-armored suits. This is seemingly how the fashion industry works.

Now, onto the show.

What is this? Really. First off it's completely see-through, though us males wouldn't complain about that. The point is, what's up with the ruffles everywhere? You know this is the kind of thing you women will buy, then one week later it will be not stylish anymore.

So in this scene, we see Pat next to a dress where the fashion designer obviously said, "hey, why don't we just flatten out a disco ball?"

"Lance, you've done it again!"

I just can never see a time or a place where someone would wear this. You certainly wouldn't want to wear it at a club. What guy's going to dance with a porcupine? No guy, that's who.









These boots are flat out everywhere. It all started with the tasteless UGG boots. Now things are getting out of hand. Fashion people must have been looking at Zelda or old pictures of vikings or something like that.









UGGGGHHH. If you're going to wear whatever the hell these are, you might as well just get a tattoo on your leg instead. I look at this and I think, Wow, that person just doesn't have any sense in style. And you know these boots cost over 200 beans. Unbelievable. These boots are definitely not made for walkin'.

Yeah, I mean, whatever happened to just a brown/black belt. Some guru, and I use that term lightly, thought of a way to ruin belt buckles. I mean there's that Jeff Foxworthy joke that says: You know you're a redneck if, when asked to show your ID, you show your belt buckle.

Well in this case, you know you're an asshole if, you own one of these.







Is this a belt or a band you use for stretching? Either way its a good idea to wear one of these next Thanksgiving(although it'll be SO out of style by then), as your stomach expands, so will the belt.








Not that I understand how the pirate look is "in" but how in the world is the little house on the prairie look in? Flannel dresses? seriously? whats next? overalls and pollard wigs?



















Is it really necessary to carry a suitcase around as a purse? What could you possibly need to bring around with you all the time that fills this up? I guess if you were going all out on the pirate look it'd be a good spot for your spare peg leg. Or it's a fashionable way to smuggle Mexicans across the border.













Here we have John "Smith" Radzinski showing off this year's hottest Pocahontas line. Bring out your inner native American with real leather purses and boots, sure to be full of tassels, and don't forget the latest rage in accessories, feather and bead leather necklaces.













This shirt is the bread winner of this years fashion statements. Its some leather Indian tassels short of being the perfect shirt. It combines the pirate look with the ruffles down the front all while encompassing the classic classy look of red and black flannel. Its the high seas meets back woods, class meets trash, Captain Morgan meets PBR, a combo for the ages.
















This outfit is a big pair of glasses short of Elton John. It includes another "in" thing, fur. If you're after the "I just skinned part of a polar bear" and I'm wearing every shade of off-white possible look, then this ones for you.














This dress is what they drew up back in the 60's and 70's as "clothes of the future." Did you ever notice that anything that's from the future has some metallic silver in it? Its the perfect combo of ugly colors and awful looking design to be the "in" dress of the year!














This, um, thing, was inspired by a jar of green olives.

Another "in" thing for a while, the HUGE turtleneck. Okay, I admit, they look nice when on correctly, but I think someone originally making a turtleneck sweater was like, "SHIT, look how big I made the turtleneck! Oh, well, let's go with it." And it stuck. That, or there's a company that makes turtlenecks for giraffes and adapted them to fit humans too.

Are you wearing this dress wondering, "why do people always come up and hit me with a bat when I wear this?" It's because you look like a pinata in it. Only a pinata is way better because candy comes out of it.















YAAARRRGGG Mateeeeeee. Do you hear about that new Pirate movie? It's rated ARRRRRR. It also features this ensemble of ridiculousness.
















You'll have the Saturday Night Fever wearing this little combo from Macy's. It features EVERY bright color ever along with white pants. The only reason it comes with white pants is because no other color could match this.

















This looks like something that would be featured in the movie Beetlejuice or Tales from the Crypt. It's just ghastly.













Ruffles, you can't have just one.













If only this coat gave you the ability to run 80 MPH. Otherwise, I can't think of any other reason to wear this. Ever.











Joe Nameth called, he wants his sideline coat back.













Ah yes, the standard Hoochi dress. Could there be anything tighter than this? You might as well painted it on!



















Whoever made this bag makes a lot of bags and realized hey I'm wasting all of this material that is leftover. So they fooled American women into thinking that this bag of scrap materials that have nothing to do with one another and make a completely ugly bag is "cute" and so fashionable.









Holy Crap. It's like Captain hook meets Dracula in this version of Captain Vampire. The thing is, we'll actually see people wearing this, even when it's not Halloween.
















The 1700's England thinks this is modern. That or this is like the uniform for British Airways flight attendants.














grrr. They were carrying these jeans into the store and some type of animal came out of no where and tore them up. The guy carying it into the store was like, Fuck what a waste of jeans, I'll toss them in the dumpster, or maybe we could actually throw them in the ultra clearence sale and take 90% off. The girl carrying in the other box took a look at them and said, "Clearance rack? 90% off? Ruined? put them in the big display in the front, and how much were these going for? $40 bucks? Mark em up to $90"










This is a onsie for either a really large baby, Robin Williams from that movie Jack when he's full grown at age 3, or some weird new trend they're starting up in womens sleepware (booties sold seperately)

In conclusion, we don't know what fashion's all about, obviously. Pretty soon flat-tops, LA Gear, and neon colored things will be back in for our kids' generation. It's ugly, it's bad, but it'll be back. Don't ask us how it works.

The Thanksgiving Blog!

What's not to like about Thanksgiving? Seriously. Well, let's preface that with, if you hate your family, Thanksgiving might be the worst day of the year for you. But for us with non-dysfunctional families, Thanksgiving is awesome. Of course the reason why Thanksgiving is awesome is because of the food, and that's primarily what we'll concentrate on today.

Turkey: Turkey is the Thanksgiving staple. Other than a turkey sandwich now and then do you ever even eat turkey during the rest of the year? But we all know deli meat turkey is decidedly NOT oven-roasted turkey. Turkey itself is nothing special really, it's somewhat moist unless Cousin Eddie from Vacation's Wife is cooking it, then you might need a little extra gravy. The skin is pretty much the only tasty part because that's where most of the seasoning ends up, unless you ordered "The Flavor Injector" from the makers of the Showtime Rotisserie BBQ. But simply put, turkey pretty much tastes exactly like chicken and perhaps is even a little less tasty. If you put a slice of turkey in front of someone on any day other than Thanksgiving, they'd say this is some good chicken. If you loaded a serving dish with slices of chicken and passed it around your family's table, they'd all be giving you kudos on what a great job you did with the turkey. The meat itself doesn't contain the real flavor you crave, no my friends that comes from the gravy. So it is our humble opinion that it is not turkey that makes the thanksgiving feast great, no sir. It is its wonderfully fattening brown friend, gravy.

Gravy: Gravy makes or breaks Thanksgiving. It's what you douse your otherwise flavorless turkey in, it's what you dip your bread in, you pour it on your mashed potatoes and you can even throw some on top of your apple pie if you get real adventuress. But, no matter what you use it for, if the gravy is sub par, that's the direction the day is heading. In other words, as the gravy goes, so goes your meal. For a good gravy it needs to be like Oprah, thick and dark, but not too thick or too dark. You don't want it running all over your plate just you just poured soup on your turkey, but you don't want to be scooping it out with a spoon either. The consistency is key. Some people like lumps in the gravy, but that just means you cooked it wrong.

Potatoes: Mash em, boil 'em, it doesn't matter. Potatoes in general are awesome. No wonder Ireland was crippled by the potato famine, you can have potatoes anytime, anyway and they're delicious with just about any sauce. BBQ, Ketchup, Salsa (chips), Sour Creme, Gravy, Ranch... how awesome.

Stuffing: I appreciate the efforts of the patrons who make their own home made stuffing, but the thought of stuffing should start and end at StoveTop. StoveTop stuffing is perfect. Its bursting with flavor, the chunks are the perfect size, you can make it in about 5 minutes and you can even snack on it while your waiting for the water to boil (its even better than croutons).

Cranberry sauce: Much like stuffing the "fake" cranberry sauce is so much better than the real stuff. I'll take that can with the white rapper any day over lumpy jelly with actual cranberries in it, ugh. There's nothing more satisfying than getting the cranberry "sauce" out from that can in one effort. The ridges in that are formed in that gelatin are just straight up classy. People try to class it up by putting it in a nice dish, but we all know what's going on. You can slice it, dice it, whatever, but your efforts of making it look cool are wasted so Accept it. And as mentioned before, no matter what you do, you're never topping the can taste.

Also something to think about: When the hell else do you ever eat Cranberry Sauce? The sales from cranberry sauce in a can must solely ride on the month of November.

Squash/Sweet potato: Squash is awesome. When prepared with some delicious brown sugar or even maple syrup infused, it's like having dessert on your T-Give (that's the cool way for saying Thanksgiving) plate. Sweet potato is kind of the same deal. It's orange, it's mashed, and it too is sweet and delicious.

Peas/Carrots: Forest Gump and Jen-nay goes together like peas and carrots, and peas and carrots go together good on your plate. They are essential vegetables on the table, especially when the carrots have some brown sugar on them (BTW, we're all about brown sugar, but not Brown Sugar the horrible movie). The vegetable that would make sense as a Thanksgiving dish that never makes it to the table, in our house at least is corn on the cob. Thanksgiving is supposed to pay homage to the meal between the pilgrims and Indians (before the pilgrims took all the Indian's land) and you know they were noshing on some corn on the cob back then, so why don't we have it today? Another thing we don't have at today's Thanksgiving tables? Semi-naked Indians. Though I think that's something we all can be thankful for.

Pies: As if you didn't eat enough turkey and "fixins" you wake up from your triptafan-induced coma just in time for pie. Pies are the pinnacle of deserts. You can throw anything into a pie and it'll be delicious, well except mince meat (doesn't it sound like some type of rat meat). Why waste a pie by filling it with meat? (Though shepherd's pie is exception to the rule, but that's not really a T-Give deal) You already had enough meat during dinner, its time for the sweets. Throw some apples, or pumpkin, or berries or ice cream in that pie crust and you got yourself a great capper to an awesome day of the 4 F's- Fun, Feasting, Family and Fuck I'm getting fat. Actually, that's five F's.

Thanksgiving Traditions:

Seating Arrangements - You might come from a smaller family where everyone can sit around one table and enjoy the meal together, but I (Pat) come from a big family where we not only have a secondary table, but we have the "kiddie table" in which we're annexed into another room, completely out of the way. The kiddie table is created in the beginning because there isn't room at the "Adults" table for all of the kids to fit, well its fine when your little, you don't wanna sit with the boring adults anyways. Eventually the one or two oldest cousins get promoted to the adult table when they reach a certain age and like a minor league manager, you're sad to see your guy go, but your happy for them and their big promotion, they finally made it to the big show. But when you finally get to the age where you saw your cousins get promoted and your sitting at your locker waiting for the call up, it never comes, you wait around a few years and your still stuck with the little kids, playing baby sitter now, you wait a few more years and before you know it your past your prime, you're downing beers telling the young ones how you coulda been something, you coulda been a real contributor, if you had just gotten your chance. You claim that the parents didn't know what they were doing, that it was indeed THEIR fault you didn't make it to the Big Tables. Well, perhaps you just got dished some cold hard truth my friend. Perhaps it was in fact YOU that was at fault. Where your cousins started talking about politics, economy, and work, you were still talking about video games, sports, and TV. You didn't step up your game to that level and you stayed in the farm system at AAA kiddie table. But don't fret, son. Work on a politics curve ball and start placing your office comments better and mix in some economy heat. Soon you'll be up in the majors.

Football - Between all of the food and naps we squeeze in some pig skin. The thing I never understood about Thanksgiving football is why do the Cowboys and Lions play every Thanksgiving? I understand the Cowboys, other than the Patiots, they are a true American sounding team name, but the Lions? Why not the Redskins? Why not have the Patriots take on the Redskins in a little old school Thanksgiving match up on a field at Plymoth Rock? Aside from that the Lions have been awful lately which brings up a lot of complaints about having to watch them get their turkeys stuffed every thanksgiving. Well as glass half full type of guys look at it like this, the game is over by the end of the first quarter or halftime at least, so its a perfect opportunity to squeeze in a nap.

But why the Lions and Cowboys?: According to one website, in 1934 the teams played on Thanksgiving, and they have played on ever T-Give day ever since. But, in 1934 there were only 11 teams, and none of them were the Patriots (who were the Boston Redskins) and none from the nation's capital and more surprisingly the Cowboys were not created until 1960, so why these two teams play I'll never know. If you want my (John's) guess: Cowboys are "America's Team" and Detroit is the home to three major American Automakers, Ford, GM, and Chrysler, and really, like the Lions and American cars in general, what's more American than something doing well right now?

Naps - Naps are as integral to turkey day as the turkey its self. This is in fact the one holiday where not only are naps acceptable, they're expected. They've become such a part of thanksgiving that you can't imagine anything different, but if you really take a step back and think about it, its an odd thing. When else would you head over to your aunts house, eat a ton of food and follow that up by walking over to the couch, unbuttoning the button on your pants and zonking out for a good hour, only to wake up to the smell of sweet pies? Well, never.

Attire - Some families are all about the nice apparel. That's well in good. But the most important thing is that you're comfortable and have something loose fitting. There's no way you're going to be able to survive the day in some tight slacks. No way, no how. Imagine this: think about how much food you pour on the plate. Now subtract the weight of the plate from this equation. You're putting in POUNDS of food. Serious heft is to be added to the waistline in one afternoon, because you know you're absolutely starving yourself for the feast. By the time the late afternoon comes and you have been smelling all that business cooking all day, it's like you haven't seen food in weeks. That's where the loose pants come in. The last thing you want to have is tightness and discomfort on the waistband. The key to this is having some of those fancy Dockers pants that have elastic on the inside so they give a little bit.

Finally from all of us at "Pat&John on..." well, okay, from Pat and John, have a Happy Thanksgiving and give thanks for health and happiness!

The Opposites

As the blog has increased in popularity, we have begun to receive fan mail from some of our most devoted readers. Today’s blog will answer a question from one of those fans.

Billy Crapshire from Lake Shore, MI asks:

Geewilikers Pat and John, you guys sure do agree on lots of topics, is there anything you don’t agree on?Sincerely,Billy

Why yes little Billy, there are several things we disagree on. No one sees eye to on everything. In fact there are several social views we don’t see eye to eye on. But we’ll leave those for another day on a blog called, “how pat and john feel about killing babies.” For now we’ll stick with just random things we have completely and utterly opposing views on.

1. Pizza leftovers: cold vs. warm

Pat: People are always talking about the greatness of cold pizza, in fact they even named a show on ESPN about it, but its not all that its cracked up to be. I'll stick with my contention that any food intended to be served hot is better hot. If pizza was better cold then Domino's would bring that pie over in a freezer, not a high tech heat wave bag. Heating the pizza enhances the flavor, cold cheese is good, hot cheese is amazing, cold marinara sauce? eh its weird, warm marinara sauce is great on pizza, pasta and pretty much anything. Not to mention if you have toppings on that pizza, who wants to eat one cold, then warmed, then cold vegetables or meats? Doesn't sound too appetizing to me. I'll even contend that pizza re-heated can be better than the first time around. In fact, Pizza Hut's pizza is better the next day then it is when it comes fresh from the store (and yes that was a fact in my opinion). Re-Heating in the oven adds an extra crispiness factor that somehow you cant get the first time around. Cold pizza is decent at best, and when you're on the fly and you don't have time to throw it in the oven, or even nuke it for 30 seconds its a solid snack, but why settle for decent when you can enjoy as good if not better pizza then you were eating the night before?

John: Pizza is delicious when you get it at your local pizzeria or make it from frozen or whatever. There's something to be said about that fresh taste of hot pizza, but let's be honest, you're never recreating that same taste, or anything close to it again. After I've had all i can eat the first time through and throw what's left of the pie in the fridge, you can bet my pizza is not touching anything warm again, besides my mouth. The reasons are many for why pizza is better cold than warm: Firstly, you don't have to worry about burning your mouth on that sauce, which somehow maintains a surface temperature close to that of the sun. Secondly, all that unappealing grease that was standing on that business has now congealed and formed as one with the pizza. It's the classic, what you can't see, can't kill you deal. Thirdly, cold pizza, like bagel bites, can be had at ANY TIME. It's 9:00 ... it doesn't matter if it's a.m. or p.m., cold pizza's totally appropriate and delicious.

2. Mushrooms

Pat: Much like me, mushrooms are a fun-guy (bada ba) and although the thought of eating a fungus doesn't sound appealing, try eating one with no preconceived notions that its a weird thing to eat and you'll be very pleasantly surprised. Mushrooms don't even have a flavor really, they just soak up whatever they're in, and they're so versatile, toss them in a salad, cook em on a pizza, grill them up, pop them in your mouth and the walls start moving (or so I've heard/seen in Entourage) no matter what you do with them they're a good addition to any meal.

John: My reasons for hating mushrooms are simple. When you break it down scientifically, mushrooms are poisonous to the human body. What's the point? Okay, so you'd have to eat like 800 portabella mushrooms to get sick, but why should I eat something my body wasn't naturally supposed to digest in the first place? But, if the scientific reason doesn't satisfy you, I also hate mushrooms for being tasteless and slimy/flimsy.

3. Egg Salad

Pat: Whenever someone busted out that egg salad sandwich at school lunch, you know you were pissed you sat at that table. Is there a worse smell? Well probably the after effects of it, but that sandwich wreaks. They say that taste is linked to smell, so how could that taste anything remotely close to good? I used to like egg salad when I was younger, but then again I also used to like to eat paste, and you don't see me doing that anymore.

John: Egg salad is straight delicious. Hard-boiled eggs are fantastic. Mayonnaise is fantastic. Combining the two is simply incredible. Throw that biz on some toast or bread for a sandwich? So good. Who cares if your breath is rank for some time? Who are you kissing? Chances are, if you're having egg salad with your significant other, you've reached a point where the two of you can be honest with each other and say their breath stinks. So not only is egg salad awesome, but it's also a barometer for where you're at with your lady.

4.

Pat: Entourage is one of my favorite shows on television right now. The plots aren't deep and intricate, problems are resolved easily, E is a prick who I can't stand and its flashy, but its entertaining. Ari and Drama are some of the best characters on TV. And there is no way any guy isn't at least a little envious of Vince who makes bank off a few movies and gets to go jet setting around in nice cars to crazy parties, be in with the coolest people in show biz and do it all with his best friends, not bad for a kid from Queens.

John: There's nothing to like about this show, that is until it ends and Flight of the Conchords starts. It's a show about four idiotic 20-somethings who I connect with on no level. No thank you.
5.

Pat: Lost is the best show on TV and it has far too many haters. People complain that its unrealistic, they're on an island with smoke monsters and polar bears and time travel. Yeah its unrealistic, but so was Star Trek, I Dream of Genie, and Gilligan's Island (there's no way the professor could have set all of that stuff up with some coconuts and bamboo, McGyver isn't even that good) and those shows are classics, people love them. Lost doesn't claim to be based on fact, its a creative show. People also complain that nothing happens, these are the same people that complain about other shows blowing through story lines and resolving conflicts too quickly. Lost is a great show if you watch every episode, its not a show you can hop in the middle of the 2nd season and watch it when you catch it on TV. You'll be the one that's Lost, but when given the proper time, its the best show on TV.

John: Admittedly, I haven't watched this show since season 2. Apparently a lot has changed. However, after watching much of season 1, I was intrigued to continue. But watching season 2 turned me off so much. Nothing happened. nothing happened!! Oh look another episode, and oh look, we still don't know anything new. Perhaps the show has improved and I'm not giving it a fair shot, but now I'm just too stubborn and stuck in my ways to commit to this thing now.

6. Beer

Pat: Beer is great, not the first time, or the second time you have it, but it is great. Its an "acquired taste" and I know John will say why acquire the taste for something that tastes like shit? Well it doesn't taste like shit, pretty much the opposite, and no J-Rad the opposite of shit isn't piss. A nice cold beer is the most refreshing beverage you can have on a hot day. You don't like how Budweiser tastes? well that's fine try a Guiness. Think Corona is bitter? Throw a lime in it. Beer comes in many flavors but they all include the other part of beer that makes it great, alcohol. There is no other alcohol that tastes as good as beer. Try drinking a 12oz glass of Vodka or Jager and not throw up, I love beer. beery, beer, beer. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

John: Everyone loves beer right? I mean it's cold, it's refreshing, i mean what's not to love? Well everything actually. Beer is painfully bad in my book. Where should I start? It tastes and looks like urine. It's watery. It's bitter. And once that bad boy gets anywhere less than ice cold, it's quite undrinkable and makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can think of almost anything I'd rather drink than beer. Seriously. And the funny thing is, when I tell people I don't like beer, it's like I've just said, I don't like chocolate or ice cream or something. Yeah that's right nut-bag, I don't like this drink that tastes like shit. The other funny thing about not liking beer is that people always give me the same advice about learning to grow to like it. "I didn't like it at first either, you just have to keep drinking it, and it gets better." Well I've given it a fair chance, and it still sucks. The logic of doing something until you like it doesn't make much sense to me. Now this is purely hypothetical, but let's say I was someone who was into getting boned in the butt. Okay? with me? and I was like, hey, you should try it. you won't like it the first or second time, but eventually you will.First off, are you going to take my word on it? No, probably not. If you're not into it to start, it's probably not going to happen. Same with me and beer. I don't like the way it looks or smells so I probably won't like it. Now back to the anal sex...Secondly, if you did try it and then hated it, would you keep trying it until you liked it? No you wouldn't, so why is the case different with beer? It's not. I'm sorry people, I just don't like beer...or anal sex, but like Lost, i don't think I've given the latter a shot, but I have a feeling I won't be either hahaha.

7. Seafood

Pat: First off Seafood comes in many shapes, sizes and flavors. Most people lump it into one category, Seafood, but that's like saying everything else is either "Land Food" or "Air Food". Salmon tastes nothing like muscles, just as chicken tastes nothing like steak, but no matter what kind of water dwelling creature you're eating, its tasty.

John: Besides shrimp and clam chowder, there's nothing to like about sea creatures. They're fuckin weird. Fish taste fishy, lobster is expensive and unsubstantial, and oysters are slimy and chewy. And if there's bones, forget it. To me, it seems that if the only reason something is good is because there's something overpowering it, than that thing sucks to begin with. Lobster is only good because of the butter, clam chowder's only good because of everything else in it, tuna fish sandwiches are delicious because of the mayo and melted cheese, shrimp is good because of cocktail sauce, clam cakes are good because of the cakey business and the horseradish. That doesn't say much about seafood in my opinion. If I just put salt and pepper or some spices on chicken, steak, or turkey, it would still be good. If I just put salt on some salmon, it would be like, ugh, I wish this were chicken.

Conclusion:

I say Tomato, he says Tomato as well. The two of us agree on most things, but little Billy, everyone has different opinions now and then, like your parents. Your dad decided he liked the Guatemalan gardener Jose better than he liked your mom and that's why they're not living together anymore. But these differences are what make us special, make us unique, make us different. In the words of Lewis Black, "We're all little-fuck-snowflakes." At least there is one thing we can all agree on. PatandJohnOn is the best blog ever!

(Frozen) Food for Thought

The Wide World of Frozen Foods

Whoever first thought of freezing foods should be up there with DaVinci, Franklin and Edison when it comes to inventors. What a great idea, you take good food, freeze it and re-heat it at a later time. You get to enjoy a meal that someone else cooked in no time without the mess. Like most good inventions, freezing food was probably a mistake. Some Eskimo probably just got done clubbin’ a seal and dragged that shit through the snow. A piece of that meat probably fell off and was frozen in the ground until Boolaf Palin (one of the first known Eskimos) found it like a week later. Of course being a Palin, he simply threw it out and went to the market to trade 150,000 sperm whale bones for some new coats. But the next Eskimo stumbled upon it, heated it up, and ate it. Thus freezing food technology was born.

Thousands of years later, the cooking-ly challenged or people without time couldn’t live without it. You might as well remove the word frozen because to these devout people it’s just food, it’s all they eat. In fact, for these people, they preface the word food as we know it, with the word “fresh.” Like, hey I’m not having my normal Hungry Man Dinner; I’m having this “fresh” chicken. Whether you eat frozen food all the time or just some of the time, we all know that each type of frozen food have their pros and cons, and some stay more true to form then others. However, one thing stands true: When it comes to frozen microwave-prepared food, you’re simply minutes away from a meal that, well, at the very least is hot on the outside and cold in the middle, unless it’s a hot pocket. More on that later.

Frozen Dinners
Frozen dinners are the worst of all frozen foods, besides hot pockets. They are a good idea in principal. Give people a "meal" in a nice plastic tray with separators for the representative food groups. You get your meat, your veggie, and a starch. Despite the good intentions, there are two major problems with frozen dinners. First off, they're tiny. Have you, or anyone you know, ever eaten a frozen dinner and said man I'm full, stuffed, satisfied? No. Because it’s never happened. No one can fill up on the half piece of chicken, 10 kernels of corn and teaspoon of mashed potatoes. Most frozen foods these days are Healthy Choice or weight watchers and are made that way to help you intake less calories. The problem is that you need to eat three of them just to reach the stage of “not starving.” Secondly, they always smell wayyyyyyyy better than they taste. At work for example, you can smell people heating up these frozen dinners and it’s like Emeril decided to join your company for a day and cook everyone lunch. Then you go check it out and see the person walking away with a piece of chicken with some sauce bubbling off of it screaming because that little plastic tray is always scolding hot.

On a side note: how un-key was it when the corn spilt over and got embedded in your brownie of your Kid Kusine?Side note on Kid Kuisines: We know these meals are cool and geared toward kids because cuisine is spelled with a K. Doing that automatically means something is hip for some reason. Same with prefacing a word with “Xtreme.” The other hip thing to do is to put up a picture of a dinosaur or something. And if the dinosaur is skateboarding forget about it. Every 9-year old is dropping that in the cart.

Frozen Pizza

Frozen pizza, in our humble opinion, is the king of frozen foods. It holds truest to form. It's not delivery, It's Digiorno, and it’s better than most delivery, and much more cost effective. Think about it. If you order a pizza, it’s at your house in 20-30 min and it costs about 15 dollars by the time you leave the tip. If you grab a Digiorno, it costs 5 bucks at the supermarket and you can have that bad boy heated and ready to eat in 15-20 min.
Side note: Is there any sense in pre-heating the oven? No. If you put it in while its pre heating the pizza starts cooking while the oven heats up, your killing 2 birds with one stone and it gets the pizza cooked faster. Pre-heating an oven is an old wives tale. In the words of George Carlin, what the fuck is pre-heating? There’s only two possible states an oven can be in: Heated and non-heated. Pre-heating is a utterly useless fucking term.

Anyway, you could have three Digiorno's for the price of one delivered pizza, without sacrificing much in the way of taste, AND if you don't finish your frozen pizza, you can treat it like regular pizza and throw that bad boy in the fridge to heat it up tomorrow. You can get two meals out of one frozen pizza. Though, it’s best not to think of it as re-heating a re-heated pizza. That just doesn’t sound appealing.

Frozen French Fries

Frozen French fries are at best, OK as a frozen food product. You can heat them with any technique you want but they still don't have that great fried taste to them. No matter what you do they taste bland and uninspired, that is until you douse them in BBQ sauce, or use the less exciting, Ketchup. The good thing about BBQ sauce or Ketchup is that no matter how bad something may taste, if you throw either condiment on that business, it’s going to taste like BBQ or Ketchup. Brilliant.


Frozen Breakfast Foods

Frozen waffles, pancakes, French toast sticks, they're all good, but they're only good if you do them up right. Frozen waffles have to be cooked in the toaster, obviously.

• A frozen waffle is great and like a frozen pizza it’s much more time effective then making "real waffles". I bet 10 out of 10 Americans have had 50 times the amount of frozen waffles as regular waffles in their lives. Who has time to make those up? If you’re going to go through all the trouble of mixing the ingredients and putting it on the waffle iron you might as well make pancakes. Homemade pancakes are great. Then again, the brilliance of the waffle is that it’s a pancake, except for the fact that there’s dozens of little compartments for your syrup, a very key feature.
  
• Speaking of pancakes, frozen pancakes are solid. They're probably the least popular of the frozen breakfast foods, but pop a few of those flapjacks in the microwave and douse them in syrup and you’re in for a treat.
  
• Frozen French toast sticks are hit or miss, if you microwave them they're awful, if you cook them in the oven they're amazing. It's all about the crispy factor, no one wants to eat warm soggy bread, which is essentially what they become when you microwave them, but throw them in the oven and get them nice and crispy and you are living large. Really though, if you’re going to cook them in an oven, you might as well do them up right and make your own. How hard is it to mix eggs, cinnamon, milk and sugar, dip bread and cook it for 5 minutes? Therefore frozen French Toast is decidedly the most useless frozen breakfast.
  
• Furthermore on the topic of frozen breakfast treats, Pillsbury was brilliant with the addition of two items to the market. The first were the cinnamon buns in a can and the second was Toaster Strudel. Both have plenty of things in common. One, they’re tasty delicious. Two, they never come with enough frosting. Despite that inherent flaw, toaster strudel owns the Pop Tart in the pre-made pastry department, and the c-buns are way better than anything you’d get from Entiments’s. When it comes to strudel, apple-cinnamon reigns supreme. Occasionally Raspberry or strawberry are good too. But now they’re getting fancy, with Egg/Cheese strudel and Boston creme strudel. Hey, Pillsbury, stick to what you do best. We don’t need you flooding the marketplace with these less than stellar varieties.
  
  
  Frozen Hybrid foods (eg bagel bites)
  

We all know the slogan, “When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.” Pizza bites or bagel bites or pizza bagels, whatever you want to call it, it doesn't matter. When you combine pizza and bagels or English Muffins, you’re in for some crazy deliciousness. According to their ad department simply putting anything on a bagel means you can have it for breakfast too. It’s somewhat true, but what is undeniably true is that they're best Post-midnight. It’s Saturday night, and you could have been out all night, or done nothing at all. But once that hour strikes 12, you’re getting hit hard with a hunger attack. This is truly the best time for bagel bites. Pop those circular discs of yum-factor 10's in the oven for the recommended time and watch them work as they go Rambo on your hunger. Now, they say you COULD do these things in the microwave, but as we covered earlier with pizza, you really cannot do them in the M-Wave. What you’re getting for your laziness is punished with flimsy, rubbery, lukewarm in the middle and burning hot on the outside, bagel pizza. That’s no good.

Hot Pockets

This is the most overrated product you can possibly find in the frozen meals aisle. It tastes bad. It smells bad. And if you were John at age 12, they made you barf for an entire night, ruining them forever. Unless you’re using them as hand warmers, there’s no sense in EVER having one. Awful.

Frozen Meatballs

The pound-for-pound king of frozen foods. This is the one food that is decent in the microwave, but if you cook them in sauce on a stove top or in the oven? They’re miraculous. And there’s plenty of diversity here. You can put them with pasta, or make a mean meatball sandwich with them, or just eat them without anything, they’re that good.

Frozen pastas and ravioli

Short on time? Tired of boxed pasta or mac and cheese? This is the answer. What’s awesome about frozen ravioli is that it tastes so good, and only takes like 6 minutes after you get that water boiling. They’re way better than say, chef Boyardee, and most likely, way better than anything else you were going to make that night. Along with Ravioli, frozen lasagna is also delicious. Sure it’s not homemade, but nothing ever is when it’s a frozen meal. But you’ll definitely be satisfied with the warm goodness of lasagna.