It's the Little Things

It’s been said that it’s the little things that make life worth living. Has there ever been a truer statement? What makes you smile more than the great little unexpected moments that life throws at you? We’ve all been here before and the following is a list of a few of the little things that make us happiest.

Finding money in Your Pocket: It’s been months since you’ve put on that winter coat. You reach into the pockets and what do you find? 20 bucks! Is there anything better than this? Even though you lost the money you put in your pocket some time ago, it feels like you actually MADE money when you find it again. It’s such a great feeling that you think it would be awesome to simply put money in your pockets just so you find it later. But that would not be the same.

Turning to the right page in a book on the 1st try: This was something we have all done once. Okay, well if you’ve never done your work or ever read anything, you’ve never felt this feeling before. Otherwise, for the rest of us how good was this, especially in a textbook or something. In class your teacher would say, “turn to page 238,” and then BAM, page 238 there you are. You know for 8 seconds afterward you thought you were capable of seeing into the future or something superhuman. This feeling would come to a screeching halt when you would get cocky and try it again only to be letdown that you turned to page 209.

Two candy bars fall from vending machine: In general when you go to a vending machine, it’s because you’re starving and the only thing available is the 85¢ non-named brand beef jerky or the little sleeve of trail mix. Making the decision of what to get at a vending machine is always a tough one, it inevitably comes down to 2 choices and you waiver. Finally you make the call, confident and excited you press F-4 and watch the little corkscrew turn and the skittles fall down to the bottom, but wait, the corkscrew is still turning. What’s this? Two skittles? In the words of Boston, Oh, What a Feeling! You just hit the two for one special! In reality, you only saved 50 cents, but it feels like someone just handed you a million bucks.

The Perfect Pour: When you’re pouring soda or a likewise carbonated beverage into a cup you're bound to do two things, fill the cup only to find out that its really only half full (or half empty depending on your outlook on life) or fill too much and it over flows. But there are those times when you pour and the drink fizzes and it nears the top of the cup and it looks like it's about to over flow, then like magic, the fizz is over the top of the cup but it stays self contained and calms back into the cup. Congratulations friend you’ve just scored, “The Perfect Pour.”

The Perfect Gus Pump: Ideally, the perfect gas pump is a free one. But about 99.9% of the time, we all go for the .00 on the gas fill up. If you’re like us, you use the credit card to fill the tank and when you get your statement, it reads: 45.00 38.00 40.00, etc. good work friend, you’ve had a solid month.
Now when it comes to the ".00" most of the time it's accomplished in overtime, that is, when the pump handle drops and says, "no, that’s quite enough sir." That’s when you say, “I don’t care what these signs say about overfilling, I’m getting the price from $39.12 to 40.00.” Inevitably you press that handle around 15 times as you push that bad boy to the limit.

That's a forced .00, and while getting to that point is nice, getting there on one squeeze? That’s euphoric. If you get 42.00 flat by just releasing the handle perfectly on the dot, that is called a game-changer right there. You could have been dumped, fired, and lost your pants in a tragic pant-eating accident, but hitting that double-zero is just so sweet that for 5 minutes all is okay.

Avoiding all red lights on the way to somewhere: This never happens when you are running late. It’s almost like the road Gods* are rewarding you for not rushing and doing potentially dangerous things in order to get somewhere on time.
You never attempt to hit all the lights, it just sort of starts. You start out on your drive and realize that you are on a little streak, you hit 3, then 4 then 8 green lights in a row, you are unstoppable, and the road is yours.

*Major Road Gods:
Trafficthopoles- God of all traffic
Ceralightis – God of lights
Asphaultia – God of all gravel and roads
Curio – God of “rubber neckers” and the “curiosity factor”

Knocking something over and catching it before it hits: This little thing is so great because its combines the greatness of making a nice snag with the relief of avoiding something that is potentially disastrous.

Situation: You’re walking alongside the kitchen counter and your elbow knocks a glass, so naturally you throw your hand back there and you grab it. If you were consciously trying to catch it, chances are that glass would be in a million pieces on the floor, but there is something about the subconscious that makes you smooth as silk. Your subconscious takes over and ‘sniggity-snag’ you grab that cup like Randy Moss over 3 defenders. What makes this even better is if someone is watching. If a baseball fan is watching, you’re getting tagged with “damn, that’s totally going to make web gems tonight.”

Getting too much change back: Life isn’t cheap, that much is true. But sometimes things get a little cheaper when you unexpectedly are given a 5-spot and four more 1’s when you should have got five bucks back, instead you made back an extra four, unbeknownst to the teller. It's like a little golden ticket slipped its way into their hands. And, like Charlie Bucket, you come screaming out of the store thinking you’ve just won a huge prize. Amazing right? In a world where The Man is always trying to get you, there’s nothing better than when you get the best of The Man.

When the cashier forgets to scan something at the register: Okay, admit it, you’ve gotten away with a few “accidental” item-under-the-cart transfers. No room for that 24-pack in the carriage? Slide it underneath and if the cashier happens to forget to ask to see the cart, well that’s their purgative. Either way, you’ve got free drinking water for the next 7 days. That’s not stealing, that’s just employee negligence.

When you're thinking of a song, and then it's on the radio: We all have our favorite songs. You know, those songs that we’re always happy to hear come on the radio. But this occasion is even more special when you’re thinking about a song, say “Desperado,” and then you press ON and there it is… “DESPERAAAADOOOO.”
But it doesn't necissarily have to be your favorite song to be good. Sometimes you hear a song from a friend or heard one on the radio earlier, and all you can think of is four words of the song. What’s more, you have been singing those four words all day and humming out the rest of the melody. On top of that, because you don’t know the song, you are actually singing the WRONG lyrics, negating even the best Google search. But like a divine miracle, you turn on your car radio (because when else are you listening to the radio) and there it is, That Song! How HUGE is that? Now you’ll definitely remember enough to look up later, and you’ll realize the lyrics aren’t “…I’ve got all these up in my name,” they’re “I’ve got the visas in my name, if you come around here, I make ‘em all day.” Grand.

Getting the good seat: When you’re getting prepaid tickets and can pick a seat, this goes out the window*. But if you’re going to the movie theater and you get that epic seat in the middle just before the trailers start, that’s clutch. What about the Plane (well Southwest Airlines). Getting that aisle seat or more importantly, the seat in the emergency exit row, (Legroom galore) is definitely making your day.

*Unless you’ve paid for the seats behind the guy in the stovepipe hat.

Finding a random ball at the park: Want to know something true? Guys are like dogs in many ways. One such example is when we’re doing something at a park and we stumble upon a lost ball in the park. Jackpot! Like you’re not picking up that stray tennis ball? Pst, please. If you’re with others it’s a fight to see who gets it. And the guy who’s sitting there saying, “I’m too mature for that,” is inevitably the first one to ask if he can see it when you start bouncing that bad boy everywhere.

Putting clothes on straight from the dryer: You get back in the house from a cold day, or wake up on a cold morning and you need to change your clothes. Putting on clothes in general would be nice warmth in this occasion. Putting on clothes straight out of the dryer, you just made like all dogs and went to heaven. The best laundry garment are socks, though. Putting those toasty socks right up on your feet is absolutely terrific. Now that your toes are warm, your body now knows it’s okay to start getting the other extremities warmed up.

Winning a buck from $1 scratch-n-win: Occasionally when you get your gas, or pick up a few things at the convince store you tell the cashier to throw in a dollar scratch ticket. It’s a dollar, why not? You know you're not gonna win, but you buy it anyways. So you go back to your car and pull out the lucky penny and scratch off the silvery stuff and bam, you’ve won a dollar, but it’s not about winning that dollar, it’s the fact that you won! What a feeling! Inevitably, like a drug, you want to feel it again, so you buy another ticket instead of getting the dollar back, and lose, but really, what’d you expect? At that point you were playing with house money (even though you paid $1 already for the first ticket, so technically you’re playing with the original $1, but that’s just technicalities).

Unexpected leftovers: How many times a day do you open the fridge only to be met by the disappointment of nothing to eat. Well there is stuff to eat, the fridge is full, but there’s nothing you want to eat, that is, unless there are some leftovers in there. Leftovers that you know are there are always good, but when a roommate or family member stocks the fridge with leftovers, well then there is such a thing as a free lunch, and a damn tasty one at that. Now you’re only two-minutes away from delicious tastiness in your belly. And if one person in your home is a naysayer about leftovers, well my friend, you’re eating for two.

Hitting a tough shot into the garbage can: You lean back in your chair so you can get your arm and eyes in an angle to see the garbage/recycle bin 15-feet away around your cubicle. You know there’s a 1-in-10 shot you’re getting that empty Poland Spring bottle in there, but hey, you were going to get up and throw it out later anyway, so why not right? You arch your arm back, and the bottle goes end over end toward the bin. Suddenly there’s hope and as the bottle falls you realize it may actually go in, and your foresight is rewarded with the beautiful sound of the bottles clanking around as you’ve hit nothing but, er, box! You might as well be Michael Jordan at that point. If there was someone else around by the way, there’s only the same 1-in-10 chance they’re NOT trying the same shot which they’ll attempt until there’s nothing left to throw in the garbage. If they can’t do it in 8 tries, you feel like Superman. Correction: you ARE Superman.

Elevator button working immediately: I don’t know about you, but we think waiting sucks. We live in the fast-paced want it yesterday world where we are always moving and doing something, so waiting for an elevator is just impeding me from getting to the bottom floor, so I can sit on that sweet bench. But when you hit that button and the ‘ding!’ goes off right away, that’s like music to your ears. Who’s not waiting here? This guy.

Side Note: Like any button, tell me you’re actually pressing it once. There’s at least a double-press. If it’s not there within 15 seconds, it’s getting about 8 more presses, too. Same fast-button pressing applies to the crosswalk as well.

Someone calling and canceling when you didn’t want to do something anyway: So you were going to finally hang out with “Flakey Friend” (refer to previous blog about Flakey Friend for definition). Well, unbelievably, FF hasn’t cancelled, and now you’re bummed out, because now you’re getting prepped to see them. Worse yet, your other friends invited you somewhere better but your conscience has eaten you alive to hang with Flakey McFlakerston. This is suddenly when this douche calls you up, “Hey dude, I’m not feeling well…” or “I’m going to have to give you the rain check this week, sorry to do it for a 12th week in a row.” Your response: I understand, sorry it didn’t work out dude, I was so psyched.

Really, your response was something along the lines of: There is a god.

Thank goodness you have friends that are more willing to bail out on plans than you are, because right now, instead of getting a few pops and watching the game with your buddies, you would have been neck-deep in bullshit hanging out with that drain of a friend.

Waking up in the middle of the night thinking it’s time to get up, but really you have 4 more hours: Suddenly waking up in the middle of the night, what a rush, you automatically think you slept past your alarm and scramble for the clock, only to see that it’s only 3 a.m. and you have 4 more hours left to sleep. It’s not as good as getting a full night’s sleep, but it’s a little bit of “I’m sorry, false alarm” reward you get from your brain.

Prime time Parking Spot: Much like catching all of the lights, it never happens when you really need it, but once in a while you’ll take the risk and drive through that first row of parking spots and see that oasis in the parking lot desert, and save the extra 10 feet of walking. Even more key than this is if it’s a spot you can pull through so you don’t have to back out when you leave. Not only are you close, but now you’re pulling out of this lot like Batman, which is important, because who wants to have more time separating themselves from the movie theater to their TV?

The Car: A place to do everything but drive

It is said that we spend almost six years of our lives driving a car. We are wasting six years driving to places to spend the rest of our years, well if you are like us, you aren’t wasting those 6 years at all, you’re milking this time for all its worth. Rather than look at car rides as a negative, look at them as a positive. This is a solid block of time when there is nothing you HAVE to do but a world of possibilities of what you can do at your fingertips, and none of the things you can think of involve solely driving.

Driving a car has always been a multi tasking sport. In fact, in case you didn’t know, like many things, the Ancient Egyptians were the first to multitask. While hauling huge bricks to the pyramids, Egyptian men found away to move these bricks while praying to the sun god Ra, while also permanently ruining their spine simultaneously. No small feat.

The modern days of in-car entertainment however started with the radio, two things which separate can be boring, but together are great. Have you ever sat in a room and just listened to music? No, it’s boring as hell, but listing to music as you do other things, is great. Driving is the same way, have you ever had a broken radio in your car and driven in silence? Well they say the seat belt is the most important safety feature in a car, but I’m going to have to go against that and say the radio is. You know how many times you would fall asleep out of sheer boredom without a radio to keep your mind occupied? Try every drive over twenty minutes. The radio is the most basic and safest thing to do while driving, but it is far from the only thing you can do. Why just drive when it can be accompanied by:

- Talking on the cell phone - talking on the phone while driving is the modern day listing to the radio while driving. Seemingly every month studies come out that say talking on the phone while driving causes these many accidents or talking on the phone while driving hinders your concentration by so much, but may we present the theory that talking on the phone is actually a safety harness? Much like the radio being in the car, talking on the phone keeps you active, alert, lively and most importantly awake. You can only listen to so much NPR or Delilahhhhhhhhhh before you are nodding off. Talking on the phone allows you to stay entertained and awake, and also lets you be productive while you’re driving. How many times a week do you think, ah I was supposed to call Mike back, oh I’ll call him when I get in the car? How about all the time. It’s so much easier to keep in touch with people when you’ve got a long car ride to take every day and you can bang out a few phone calls in. When your done getting those out of the way you inevitably call up “Long Drive Friend” (for more information on long drive friend please see the blog entry: Phones and Friends) For John, making a long hour and 15-minute commute to and from work would have been impossible everyday if not for the lifeline that was his dad. In fact, John’s relationship with his dad improved 10-fold. So not only is it a Driver Safety Feature, but it’s also a Relationship Bolster Valve.

- Texting- Where as we tried to make an argument that talking on the phone while driving is a safe thing to do, texting while driving is probably the most dangerous thing you can do while your driving. But just like people who smoke or those who ignore the “dry clean only” tag, we do it anyway. Everyone has done it, and everyone should stop. Talking on the phone is one thing, you can have a hands free device, or you can hold it with one and still drive just as easily with the other hand, but texting? If you have a phone with a full QWERTY keyboard you’re texting with 2 hands and driving with the knee. But despite the fact that we’re asking for an accident, it’s way better than actually calling the person you’re texting. In the time it would have taken to simply call up your flaky friend to cancel your “play date” (Approx. 5 seconds), it’s way better to text “I can’t make it, sorry dude, something came up” which takes about 7 minutes of looking up and down at the road and at the phone screen. If you don’t have a QWERTY keyboard you may think you are at an advantage because you only need one hand. Not so fast my friend. That predictive text can be a killer. Instead of “I Can’t make it, I’m sorry dude, something came up,” you’re typing something totally illegible like, “I cant male it? Go sorry dude, something band us.” That’s not good either because who rereads their text while in the car?

By the way, what’s worse than driving with your knee? Your eyes are clearly focused on the keys on your phone, you’re not even looking at the road other than a slight glance every now and then. But it’s all worth it right? Driving in these dangerous conditions is totally worth letting Betsy know that you thought last nights episode of the office was hilarious too, LOL. The worst part about texting while driving? We all know it’s not a good thing to do, and we’re writing this post about it, but its not going to stop us from doing it. In fact we wrote much of this post via text message in the car.

- Eating- Who has time to enjoy that subway sandwich IN subway? That foot-long turkey is getting housed the second you get back in your car. Shit, you don’t even park the car to unwrap it. That’s just delaying you from being late even more. In fact you’re spreading even more mayonnaise on that hoagie WHILE you drive. That little mayo packet comes in handy when accomplishing this feat. No knife necessary with the packet because now you’re spreading the mayo with the tip of the packet. So what if a little lettuce is the casualty of mayo sticking to it as you spread sandwich lube on that Italian herb and cheese roll. It’s all in the name of not wasting one more possible second, while evenly spreading that mayo also while not getting your hands dirtier than they are.

- Like eating a sub, changing clothes is another perfect time saver when you’re late. Stuck in traffic? Boom the shoes come off. Though to be honest, you weren’t driving with shoes on were you? No way. Anyway, you’re at a traffic signal, you’re sliding the pants off and grabbing the gym clothes and putting them on. Who needs the gym locker room and the discomfort of seeing all those naked old men strut their stuff when you can change in your car? If you’re lucky and get it done fast enough you may even be able to lean forward at the next light and stretch your hamstrings and arms. Now there’s nothing getting between you and the stationary bike.

- Watching a movie is a relatively new feature in cars. Some Fancy McRichPaws may have some gizmo that’s integrated into the dashboard or something like that. But you can get a ghetto hook up with your iPod or even your laptop with the help of a FM transmitter or a tape deck converter. Now your car has become the ultimate home theater. Where else are you going to get 6-speaker surround sound in a 6’x6’ area? Nowhere, that’s where. But if you’re going to do this, it’s best that you play a movie you know really well because that way you don’t need to actually see it. When Forrest Gump says, “…it was the most beautiful voice I’d ever heard in the whole wide world,” you know he’s getting on that bus and he’s meeting that skank Jenny just after being told, “you can’t sit here-aaaaaaa,” by that douche kid with the flattop haircut.

- For some who have inter web capabilities, the car has also become your fantasy baseball team’s official home away from home. If it’s after 7 p.m. and you’re in the car, you’re checking the stats. Of course the best thing about this is that phone Internet takes about 4 minutes to load ANY page so therefore by the time you’ve looked up four of your players, you’re already arriving at your destination.

- Because you’re doing oh so much on the road, one thing that’s bound to happen is that you’re going to miss that exit on the highway or that part of the road where the road changes street names. In a predicament like this it’s time for the ghetto-on-star. No one actually has the real On-Star. That’s because you’d have to own a GM make car for that, and then you’re using the On-Star to get your hog towed from the spot where you broke down. Anyway, ghetto GPS/On-Star is simple: it consists of calling your friend who is hopefully by a computer and having them google-Maps you back to where you need to be. Who hasn’t done this at one point or another? Yet another way how cell phones+car=lifesaver, only this is more of a headache lifesaver, but a lifesaver nonetheless because who likes being lost.

Dining Out

Who doesn't love eating out? Maybe we should rephrase that. Who doesn't love going out to eat? It's (normally) good food, it's fun, you don't have to cook, and most importantly you don't have to clean. You feel like a king when you're there, too. You're being served food, and how key is that? Well that whole king business goes out the window they bring that check over. Anyway, without getting ahead of ourselves, there are several things that effect the dining out experience, and that of course is the people you go with. Each person has their own unique things they do at a restaurant. There are definitely no two alike people when it comes to going out to a restaurant, and the following is a list of the different guys or persons you may be going with or may in fact be yourself:

Dessert Guy: Ahhh, what a satisfying meal you've just had. Now it's time for the bill and everyone at the table is ready to go, except for Dessert Guy. Dessert Guy 'needs something sweet' to finish the meal. This is exactly how this conversation goes.

Waitress: "How was everything?"
Collectively: "Good"
W: "Can I get you anything else?"
You: "No can we just get the…"
Dessert Guy: "Actually can I get a slice of the Key Lime Pie?"
Everyone else: (what they're thinking) Seriously? Really? But, Why?

How un-key is that? Could there be anything more annoying than getting ready to leave and then suddenly being halted? It's like dining blue balls.

Never Has Cash Guy: When you're eating with another couple or a group of people this guy is bound to rear his ugly head. He never has cash on him, ever, which is fine when he's buying stuff for himself. His thought is, cash is old fashioned, who needs cash when you have a debit card and 3 credit cards? Well in some cases the ol' greenbacks still come in handy. If you're just out with him, or it's a double date then its not a big deal, one person can give the other cash or you can split the bill on the respective credit cards. But if your out with a group, there are bound to be 2 or 3 of these guys, and you cant split a credit card 6 ways, or at least you don't want to be the guy to ask, so the cash holders end up covering the credit card guys who hit them with the, "don't worry I'll get you later," line. You know that's never the case and even if they do get you back, they only get you back for 80% of the sum. Do they owe you 25 bucks? You know what you're getting back? $20, and then they're having you call it even. So until you can swipe a credit card between your ass cheeks and have it withdrawal money, you know never has cash guy is always getting the best of you.

Expensive taste guy: Everyone price watches when they go out to eat. It effects what you're going to eat especially when you're out with others. But prices mean nothing to expensive taste guy. He's going to get whatever the hell he feels like having. There might as well not be any prices on the menu because if he wants that Steak with the Au Gratin potatoes while everyone else is settling for the 7.99 sandwich, he damn well is going to get it. The best part about expensive taste guy is that he doesn't even care about others when it comes to the check either. This is evident in the case that there are four people and ETG wants to split the bill four ways. No, dude. I'm not paying extra money for your $18 dish. That's why I got the 7.99 sandwich with fries, I wanted a cheap deal. Expensive Taste Guy, awful. There's nothing wrong with getting what you want, you just need to pay for it.

Salad Guy: Salad is definitely a healthy alternative to some of the fatty foods at restaurants. But salad was designed for lunch or as an accompaniment to dinner, because everyone knows that those healthy foods completely void that cheeseburger. But, salad guy ignores the dinner rules and he goes for the Cobb Salad at dinner. Sure, salad has elements of dinner food: meat, cheese, and a multitude of other things, but it's salad, and salad don't belong at the dinner table as the sole meal. If salad guy is a girl then its fine, but is their anything more emasculating then hearing a guy say, "I'll just have a salad"?

Picky/Substitution Guy: Alright so you are on a date and you don't want stank breath the rest of the night so you may need to tell them to hold the onions, but this guy takes it to a whole new level.

PSG: "I'll have the Turkey club please, but could you hold the lettuce, tomatoes and bacon please?"
Waitress: "Ok so a Turkey club minus a BLT?"
PSG: "Actually can you hold the mayo too?"
Waitress: "No Problem" (She's thinking, want me to hold the turkey and bread as well? Then I'll be holing a TURKEY CLUB and you'll be holding an empty plate)

We realize the menu isn't specifically catered to your exact tastes so if you need to sub ranch for blue cheese with your wings or tell them to hold the tomatoes, cause you don't like tomatoes, that's fine. If you need to substitute everything on your sandwich except for the bread, and then you decide to change that to wheat, just order something else.

Condiment/Sauce Guy: Who doesn't love sauce? A good sauce can make even the worst of foods taste at least decent. But sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. Ever sit with someone who keeps pouring that sauce on there? It's a little off-putting. It's like, hey, dude, you want some more ketchup with your ketchup? We know the sauce is free, but it doesn't mean you have to take all of it.

Waitress Conversation Guy: This guy is just annoying, not only because he is talking to the waitress too much, but because he thinks he's the funniest guy EVER. Everyone has one of these guys in their family, it's usually the dad. The waitress comes over after you finish eating to ask how everything was, and he goes "Awful, we want a refund" which the waitress follows up with a polite laugh. Good One Guy! I bet she's neverrrrr heard that one before. He's also the guy who comes up with the amazing one-liner to the host after being asked "party of two?" He responds, "actually, no, party of 10." Verrrrry funny Robin Williams. Even the host knows you don't have 10 friends.

Big Tipping Guy: The problem with big tip guy is that he ALWAYS gives too much. He's either generous or he used to be a waiter and realizes that the $2.30 you make an hour doesn't get you anywhere without some good tips coming in. But, little does he know that in THIS country it's customary to tip 15% for average or decent service. Did you know in other countries they don't get tips at all and that's the custom there, so when in Rome… Also the waiter doesn't get taxed on tips, if you ask 15% tip guy, that's a sweet deal. If for whatever reason the waiter did something amazing or out of the ordinary that added to the service, then okay, 20%. Or, if the waiter is your friend or is someone you know, give 25%. But for big tip guy 20% is where it starts. This is just wrong. Sometimes all the waiter does is take your order while some other fool brings your food. And for that I give 20%? No, no, no, my friend, that's where you are mistaken.

Small Tipping Guy: This is the guy who thinks 15% is not the low end on the tipping scale; it's THE tip, and a generous one at that. The waitress could be running around like crazy, but still giving superb service and even pitching in with a fake laugh to their clever comments and this guy is still pulling out that tip calculator at the end of the meal and typing in 15%. Sure the waitress relies on these tips for her income, but it's not this guy's fault that she only makes $2.30 an hour. This guy is the worst when you're splitting a bill with him. You happened to find the waitress delightful and efficient, you want to leave her 25%, which is a little higher than your normal 20% but she worked for it. So he asks how much should we leave and you tell him and he's pissed, you kidding me? Really? You musta had a good month at work. Good service should be rewarded, stop being so cheap and give the few extra bucks.

Brand Loyalist Guy: Waitress: And can I get you anything to drink?

BLG: "I'll have a diet coke, with lemon, thanks"
Waitress: "Sorry sir, we have Pepsi products, is Diet Pepsi alright?"
BLG: "UGHHHHHHH I'll just take a WATER"

Is there reaaaaaally that big of a difference? If the waitress brought out the Diet Pepsi instead of the Diet Coke without telling you, you wouldn't even notice. They're both colas, they're brown, fizzy and sweet. I know you're a Coke Guy and you ONLY drink COKE but your out to eat, enjoy it, go crazy, try some Pepsi, or even get real wild and sip on some Sierra Mist. If they don't have your Heinz ketchup are you going to eat your burger without anything on it? I didn't think so.

Doesn't like his seat Guy: This guy is normally a parent and here's the situation: The host is walking you to your seat when suddenly the table and four chairs presented is deemed undesirable. "Doesn't Like His Seat Guy" interjects the host as they're putting your menus down on the table with, "excuse me, but is there something available in a booth," or "Is there a seat that's not so close to the A/C vent?" The response the host gives is something nice sounding like, "oh, yeah sure no problem, let me see." What the host is really saying is, "you know who's getting their food spat in?"






Eats too fast guy: So you're sitting there with what you thought was your friend, when suddenly you realize you're at lunch/dinner with Hot Dog Eating Champion, Kobayashi. Before you've taken your 10th bite, Joey Chestnut on the other side of you has finished his entire meal and is washing it down with a Diet Coke. Now you're left with the uncomfortable feeling of having to finish off your meal in a hurry because "Eats too fast guy" is sitting there waiting. Pacing yourself was something this guy never learned and now you're paying the price by not talking and eating faster than your usual pace. Whomp Whomp.

Annoying Eater Guy:

You're out to eat with your friend, or your girlfriend, a person whom you genuinely like, that is until they get that food in front of them and turn into a complete stranger. Annoying eaters come in many shapes and sizes, they may chew with their mouth open, eat their French fries with a fork, dip their burger in their apple sauce, make a smacking noise when they chew, slurp their soup loudly, suck at the bottom of their drink with the straw like their trying to drink up the glass at the bottom of the cup, or any of these other eating habits that we've mentioned today. You may even find it annoying if they cut their food with their hand gripped completely around the fork like a caveman.

Finally, they say you don't really know someone until you've lived with them, that's probably true, but you don't know someone at all until you've gone out to eat with them.