Infomercials: A How to and the Top 10.

The Following are 14 rules that can be your unofficial guide to making a successful infomercial.

1. Use Black & White footage to show how bad any other product that does the same thing is

No matter how easy it is to use another product, this black and white footage is going to make even the simplest task look like rocket science. The best example of this is for the space saver Tupperware infomercial. I mean how hard is it really to put things into a container? Well the space saver people show a woman trying to do this and inevitably all the containers fall all over her as if the cabinet was making it rain Tupperware.

Note: It's very important in the black and white footage to throw up the giant red "x" superimposed over the shot, just in case you didn't know that this indeed was the wrong way.

2. Have a loud and overly energetic host

The viewer fell asleep because its 3am on a Thursday night? Well your host should WAKE THEM UP. The most important trait of a good Infomercial host is to be able to talk louder than any other human being. Billy Mays who is the host for dozens of infomercials does it right with his yelling approach, Oxi Clean gets embedded into your dreams. Matthew Lesko? Remember him? Are these question marks ringing a bell? He's the guy with the question mark suit. Is there a more irritatingly loud squeaky voice then his? If he was just talking to you about how his day is going then they answer would be a resounding NO, but because that loud, irritating, squeaky voice is telling you how you can get a free government loan to open up a shop specializing in chewing gum, well he might as well be Barry White because you could listen to that talk all night.

3. It's an added bonus if the host has an English/Australian accent

Just ask the people with the "tap light" and they'll tell you that the reason they sold so many of those dastardly things is because of the Australian guy hosting the infomercial. His ability to say "Top Law-ight" instead of Tap Light was so key. It keeps you watching because you want him to ask you, "You call that a light? This is a light!" But 15 minutes into it, you just wanted the light instead. “Holy shit, I can put that light in my closet? I can make a walkway out of dozens of them? I NEED THAT.”

So if Billy Mays isn’t around to host your shiz, you better lob a long distance call to some Australian Bloke.

4. Make sure you show the product being used for things you'd never use it for

This is the step where you want to wow your viewers. They already know a knife can cut a piece of chicken, but they didn't know that your knife CAN CUT THROUGH A CAR. It's one thing if your adhesive can hold a picture to a wall, but it’s another thing if your adhesive can be made into a chain to PULL A BOAT. By making your customers realize these aren't just towels, but rug cleaning, moisture soaking pieces of cloth made by the hands of god himself, they'll realize they have to buy them.

Plus, what if you lock your keys in your car and cant wait for AAA? You know your not going to be cutting that car door off with any ol regular knife, you need your Miracle Blade.


The Magic Bullet Shows Rules 3, 4, and 7 in action

5. Product better have a catchy name

In business and real estate it's all about location, location, location. In the world of infomercials it's all about the name of the product. There are two ways of going about this. You better mention what kind of product it is but throw a noun in front of it: i.e. The George Foreman Grill, Red Devil Grill, etc. The other way of naming a product is simply giving it some sort of exciting or thought-provoking word and tag-team it with a verb/noun; i.e. OxyClean, ShamWOW, The Magic Bullet.


The Aptly Named "Tiddy Bear"

6. If at all possible have a catchy slogan too

The RONCO Showtime Rotisserie BBQ, which is the best infomercial of all time (see below), still is the benchmark of infomercial slogans with the timeless slogan, "Set it, and forget it."

7. Have a lame/dumb sidekick who has "never used the product before" and is always amazed by the result

The dumb sidekick is essential for the infomercial. He/She is the average American in the infomercial's eye: dumb and a sucker for anything. They chime in with the commentary on the product, normally saying how easy a product is to use.
Lines that are commonly used are:
"And, so that's all I have to do?"
"Wow, that's just too easy."
"Why have all this stuff, when I only need one of these (name of product)"

They are also there to segue into you buying the product. The following is normally how that convo goes:
Dumb Sidekick: Okay, so X does all that and it's this easy to use?
Inventor: It sure does
DS: Okay, but I bet it costs a fortune.
I: nope actually it's only 3 easy payments of ___
DS: So wait, you're telling me I get the X for the price of just $___?
I: That's right
DS: No way, that can't be. Can I get it in a store?
I: Nope only through this 'exclusive' offer
DS: Well America you heard it here, you can only get this offer right now if you call the number on your screen…

8. Include real on-the-street/audience testimonials

It is important to show your viewers how your product has completely changed the lives of regular people just like them. Stuff like, "before I bought the Miracle blade, me and my sister were Siamese twins, thanks to its space age blade we took care of that!"

In this section you can also show how "Top Professionals" use your product. Professional car washer Miguel Rodriguez uses the ShamWow to dry all the cars that he services, "The cloth, it gets car dry mang, really dry mang"

*Note: if you can have someone that has a cowboy hat, or looks like they're a hick, or a "real American" as Sarah Palin would call them, you better take the opportunity and interview them.

9. You better tell us that you're selling us the product for 150% less than you'd get it in the store.

As the customer, we need to know how much this piece of crap is going to cost us in the store. Without mentioning how much this thing costs at a retail store, we would think that the product is only sold on TV, and that means it's not store-worthy. For some reason if this product is sold in a store, we think, "hey, it's sold in stores, it must be good." So giving us the outrageous “store price” or “retail price” will make us think it's a good product and when they pull the old switch-aroo for the "special offer" it damn well looks like we're stealing it.

10. Before giving us the final price, tell us how much it isn't going to cost and also give us a payment plan. By the way those payments better be "easy."

They already told you that you’re getting a better deal than in the stores, but they didn't tell you how much of a better deal. You're not paying $600 for this rotisserie grill, NO your not even paying $400, as a matter of fact you’re not going to pay $200, you my friend are only on the hook for 10 easy payments (what makes these payments so easy anyways?) of $19.99. That's right, you call and you’re getting the deal of a lifetime, but wait what's that? If we call right now we get what?......

11. Along with step 10, tell us what we get if we call NOW and how much everything that comes with the product would cost separately

As if the "easy payment" and a reduction in price from the store wasn't enough to buy this thing, we also get a ton more crap with this special offer. Not only do we get the "Lean, Mean, Grillin Machine" but if we call now they'll throw in the grill cleaner, tongs, recipe book, lifetime supply of meats and one of George Forman's kids. Then they'll let us know that if we bought each of these things separately it'd cost $500 and hours of labor/pain, but by calling now, we get all of this for 5 easy payments of $19.99, making us think, we're getting $500 worth of stuff for $30 bucks, how can I not buy this!?

12. Give us a timer on how much time we have left to buy the product

Of course, these deals are “limited time only,” or “limited supplies so order now.” In fact they are so limited that they will only play this same infomercial EVERY night for the next two years. But if you’re still on the fence, and the words ‘limited,’ ‘supply,’ and ‘time’ didn’t get you, this next tactic will. The timer. The timer normally comes up on the phone number shot: you know the blue background with two side-by-side clips showing everything you’ve already scene about the product. On the right hand side of the screen that giant yellow 10-minute clock starts winding down and now you don’t even want the product, you just want to beat that clock. This isn’t about necessity anymore, it’s not about, “I have to have this.” No sir, it’s about, “I have to beat that damn clock.”

13. Knock off a payment if we order it NOW with a credit card, and repeat steps 9 through 11

The final piece-de-resistance is knocking off a payment. If all the previous add-ons plus the timer didn’t pressure you into buying it, the removal of the payment is the no-holds-bared tried-and-true these-colors-don’t-bleed atomic bomb they drop on you at the end. For this step, it’s key to make sure you throw in a completely different voice over too. Make sure the audio frequency doesn’t match and there’s a total different static noise in the background because this is getting recorded after you realize you’re not selling shit for the first 3 months.

“…But wait! If you order now with your credit card, we’ll knock of ONE WHOLE PAYMENT! Now it’s only three easy payments of 19.95.”


Rules 11-13 perfectly played.

14. Finally, never allow for C.O.D.'s or Money Orders

Never allow for any Cash on Deliveries or Money Orders. At this point we the customer assume you’re not accepting either of those forms of payment, but for some reason you’ll accept the Diner’s Club Card? Oh well, these are the rules, we don’t make this stuff up.


Top 10 Infomercials of all-time:

1. Ronco – Showtime Rotisserie BBQ

Ron Popeil has made a living at this and you can see it all comes together in this one. He’s a seasoned pro and he pulls no stops in this one. A freaking studio audience chanting, “set it and forget it?” Does it get any better than this? No stone is left unturned (except for the one in the rotisserie BBQ). All the tricks are pulled.

√ Voiceover easy payment subtraction
√ Energetic host
√ Dumb Sidekick
√ Slogan
√ Useless stuff throw-ins: The slicer (because now the only tears we’ll have for cutting onions are tears of joy), the gloves, the “flavor injector,” recipe guide, the steam trays, etc, it’s all here. But seriously Popeil, you’re “including” the booklet of coupons as a bonus? And don’t tell me you just valued that thing at over $250?

2. Girls Gone Wild infomercials

Watching Spike TV or Comedy Central at 2:00 a.m.? Oh you’re getting hit with this one. It’s not a traditional ad, but it’s got what almost every one of these other products doesn’t have, nearly naked girls and lots of shots of them lifting their shirts and showing us their censor bars. Plus the steel drum in the beginning? How recognizable are those first four notes?

3. Free Money to Pay Your Bills w/ Matthew Lesko

Lesko is a master. He’s also a game changer by infusing two special things to his infomercial: a suit that’s almost as loud as him and constant shot changes. One second he’s telling us how we can get the gov’t to pay for our taxes somehow whilst on the steps of congress, the next shot he’s walking in front of Wall St. No matter what though, he’s always, I mean always moving.

4. Extenze "male enhancement" pills

With their testimonial slogan, “They’re giving away pills for free? It must be good!” and “If we didn’t sell so many pills, could we afford to do this?” they have officially just come out and said, “Okay America, you’re dumb and we know it.” Also you have to love the different ways they try to say it makes your dick bigger without actually saying it.
- Male Enhancement
- Improves the size of that certain part of the Male Body

5. Oxy Clean

- Billy Mays has basically convinced us to buy repackaged detergent that we put in addition to our normal detergent. I mean you add it to soap! This doesn’t even need to do anything, but shit, anything to make our “whites whiter.”

6. ShamWow

The salesman of this thing is just a straight asshole. But somehow he’s SO authoritative that he makes you feel bad for doubting it. Also he’s brought a modern head-microphone into the mix which says one of two things: 1. I am a backup dancer. 2. I work at Old Navy. Either way, that headpiece is definitely stolen from his other job

7. The D.R. Trimmer/Wood chipper

After watching the DR Trimmer infomercial, it’s easy to conclude that this machine is the sole reason for deforestation.

8. Magic Bullet Blender

The Magic Bullet is the gunshot that killed JFK. It’s also a blender that can serve drinks AND feed a family of four.


9. Juiceman Juicer

This guy’s been at this thing for so long. It is rumored that his eyebrows can make him fly and also give him the ability to see into the future.

10. Foreman Grill:

The Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine? Really that was the best title we could get for this product? I’m amazed they could fit it onto the grill cover.


Honorable Mention:

The Eyebrow and beard trimmer:

This makes the list because the have the balls to call this thing an eyebrow trimmer, when really we all know that’s just code for pube trimmer.



Special to Pat and John On…


By Jerome Palmeri
Infomercial Connoisseur










My Top 5:

1. Even edging out the Showtime rotisserie the Red Devil Grill because they market it like it was the thing you could cook everything on. Like fuck your whole kitchen, the red devil is better than all of it and it was just a little tailgating grill.
And it also had the SUPER SKILLET, that was just a huge wok

2. Showtime Rotisserie

3. Pancake Puff Maker

4. Nuwave Oven

5. Foreman grill, or better yet one of the knock offs.

* Honorable mention

Any knife set infomercial. Those fucking knives! You could use them to cut through bricks, and don't forget the fucking chop n' scoop.
The way they talk about the knives I wonder like why we need scalpels in hospitals or even the jaws of life when these knives do it all and NEVER dull.
And what’s with the filleting knife and the garnishing knife? who the fuck ever needs those? As long as I got a big butcher's knife that can help me with my amateur diamond-cutting business, I'm happy.

Oh and don’t forget the eggwave, remember that shit? Because eggs are so hard to make.
In fact, those I think make the best infomercials. Shit that is made to seem like you need it and it can do everything, but you are like, this does nothing. Like the pancake puff thing? oh great! I can eat all my baked goods in ball form now. Thanks pancake puffer.


Finally, The "Advertising Lullaby" by the late, great George Carlin

Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience
Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.

Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
Free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.

No cash?No problem!No kidding!No fuss, no muss,
No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.

Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money,
Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately,
not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,
Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,
Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.

So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff.Our experienced and
knowledgeable will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.

And say, don't forget to pick up your free: a classic deluxe
custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select
gourmet pocket pencil sharpener.Yours for the asking,
no purchase necessary.It's our way of saying thank you.

And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary
bonus at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer
luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination
key ring, magnifying glass, and in a genuine
imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary.It's our way of
saying thank you.

Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick this big dick up your ass a little bit
deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable
no-good dumbass fucking consumer!

It's the Little Things...that piss us off.

Just as is the case in life that little things can make us happy, little things can make us irritable, too. The following list comprises a small sample of those things we all suffer through on the day-to-day grind.

Technology Failures:

• Internet crashes: There's never a good time to be left without the Internet. But for some reason the World Wide Web knows when you're actually trying to get something accomplished. Sure, the Internet was going great when you were checking Facebook and that hilarious video of that hamster on YouTube, but now that you actually need to get something important done, like say, emailing your boss. It is at this very moment that the Internet shits the bed. This is inevitably the internet's way of saying, "Hey dillweed, maybe you should have been doing this first instead of putting it off."

• Paper jam: The same rules apply for the paper jam as do for the Internet. It only stops working when you're printing out your resume for the interview in 30 minutes. However, last night it was perfect when you printed a 16-page poster of your fantasy team logo, or the other day when you printed a self-portrait exquisitely created in Microsoft Paint.

"Losing" your keys: We all have 'lost' our keys about a billion times. Although, you know you haven't really lost them, but rather you've simply misplaced them somewhere. So, you begin frantically searching your place, and if there's someone else around, you're about to be greeted with a, "What are you looking for?" This is of course followed by, "My keys," which is followed by the other person saying, "Well, where was the last place you saw them?" What an annoying question, right? Annoying because now you're retracing your steps like an idiot. "Well, first I entered the door, then I took a dump, then I checked the fridge, then etc, etc." This isn't going to help because even if you retrace every step you're still going to fall into the classic “key-finding mode.”

Just like a dog trying to find a tennis ball you didn't actually throw, you're going to be looking everywhere and wind up looking dumb in the process. This is because you're always looking in the dumbest places. Chances are, they're probably not in the fridge, but you check that anyway. Chances are they're not in the medicine cabinet, but you're bound to look there, too. That's because when people search for their keys, anything with a door or a compartment is fair game. You open every drawer in the house looking for these damn things. And even though you haven't been in the attic in three years, you take a gander there also. In fact the only good thing about looking for your keys is that you're bound to find something else you were looking for 2 months ago. Eventually, the only thing this key searching yields is the finding of four things you weren’t looking for and of course, no keys. The kicker in this whole deal after you give up and grab your spare set only to discover that your “lost” keys were in your car all along.


Candy Bar Gets Stuck: Getting a 2-for-1 candy bar deal is amazing. But getting a 0-for-1 deal is absolutely infuriating. The little coils turn and turn but then hanging there like Sly Stallone in Cliffhanger are your Cool Ranch Doritos. Awful. Now you've got three options:

1. Buy another pack of Cool Ranch Doritos
2. Leave feeling rejected and ashamed
3. Violently shake that damn machine until it give you what you paid for.

Without fail, you know you're trying option 3. Despite the fact that hundreds of people are killed by toppled vending machines each year, you're determined to make sure those three quarters were not wasted. The process of shaking the vending machine always follows the same order. First you kick it. When that doesn't work, shove it. When that doesn't work you go to DEFCON 3: Operation Hulk. Just like a hungry version of the Hulk, no vending machine wants to see you when you're angry. You are wrapping your arms around that machine as if you haven't seen it in years and this machine is your lover. Except, there's no love in this exchange. It's straight rage as you violently try to do your best Superman impression and lift this thing back to Krypton. However, "despite all your rage, you're still just a rat in a cage." A rat without chips that is. On the plus side though, you've probably burned the calories you would have consumed with those chips. Unless you’re going option 1 at this point, you’re stuck at option 2, and don’t nobody like number 2.


Assholes at the Movies: As if paying $10.50 for any movie wasn't enough, but now you've got to contend with the mess of 8th grade punks thinking they're hot shit talking all the way through your movie. Look, I know Forgetting Sarah Marshall is not exactly a movie that is essential for silence, but have some courtesy huh? Oh, and babies in the movie? Awful. Of course the baby and the parents are at a movie in which there should in no way be a baby at, for example Gladiator. Other than the negligent parenthood of showing a 3-year old Russell Crowe stabbing people, who brings a baby to the movie anyway? Honestly. When you had that baby you signed a 3-year unwritten contract that explicitly says: For the next 3 years you will have no social life. Sorry to break the news.

DVD Skipping: So your last movie was ruined by loud patrons and crying babies. This time you’re taking this into your own hands and you’re going to settle down with that Netflix movie you got three weeks ago. Finally you’ll chew through Michael Clayton so that way you can return it for whatever’s next on your queue. Well after watching two hours of exposition, Clayton is finally starting to get somewhere, when suddenly at the film’s peak … … How frustrating right? Say what you will about VHS, but that shiz never skipped at least. What follows is the guide for how to un-scratch a DVD. Eject it. Breath on the disc. Wipe it with your sleeve. Go to the chapter guide and pick up where you left off (of course you’ve just seen brief glimpses of the next 3 chapters that follow). Rinse and repeat my friend.

The Slow Line at the Grocery Store: The grocery store is frustrating enough. Fighting through the aisles, getting through the displays, avoiding wasteful spending on stupid things you don’t need. But now comes the finality of all you’ve worked for, picking the right cashier line. No matter what you never pick the right one. A lot goes into consideration when taking your pick too. How much stuff do the people in front of you have, how fast does the cashier look, etc. But all that goes out the window when someone whips out that checkbook. That might as well be an airport security inspection. Regardless, it’s impossible to pick the right lane and you’re staying for 10 minutes longer.

Waking up with pimple on face: Is there anything worse than waking up with a pimple or an emerging pimple on your face? Sure there are, but it’s pretty awful. What an awful surprise that is. Waking up sucks. But waking up and you can feel that pimple sitting there? Horrible.

Paper Cuts: How can something so little hurt so big? Paper cuts are awful. You slide your hand across the desk to grab a piece of paper and all the sudden you're in a world of hurt. It stings, you suck on it and it burns, nothing you do helps. The worse thing about a paper cut is you can barely even see it, but you sure can feel it, and you feel it all day long. Every time you reach in your pocket, every time you extend your finger, you’re feeling it.


Bird crap you cant get off of windshield: there is a phrase: “the world is your oyster.” It means you have the freedom to do whatever you want. Well, to birds, the world is their toilet, and they have the freedom to GO wherever they want. With utter disregard to us ground folk, our air fairing "friends" just shoot down little bombs whenever they feel like it, leaving it to land on the ground, your head, or your car windshield, amongst other places. When you get out to your car and find some of these little presents awaiting you, you try to get them off with the windshield wipers and some washer fluid. That usually works unless you get a real caked on crap. No matter how much work you put into this one its not coming off. Even a little oxyclean ain’t getting that off. The worst part about this semi permanent spot is that it is all you look at while you’re driving. You can’t take your eyes off it. It’s there and you want it gone. Your tools are failing you and there is nothing you can do but continue to stare at it and hope you intimidate it off of the windshield.

Annoying song stuck in your head: You hear songs everywhere, everyday. You drive and listen to the radio, you walk and hear people humming, you watch TV, your phone rings, etc. Music is going in and out of our heads all day, that is until one song gets stuck. Certain songs just do that, it might be because they're catchy, or you love that song, or the annoying dude in the cubicle behind you has been singing it all day, however when it gets stuck in there, it’s virtually impossible to get out. Like a rough spell of diarrhea, you gotta just let it run its course and take care of itself before you can move on. The worst part about a song being stuck in your head is as soon as you finally forget about it, someone is going to come by singing it again.

Machine wont take wrinkly dollar bill: When you go to buy a soda or a candy bar from a vending machine you slide your dollar in there and wait for it to process. Sometimes your dollar shoots back to you, so you look at the diagram and make sure George is lined up right and try it again but it comes back again. So you use the side of the machine like an ironing board and flatten it out, slide it back in waiting to hear the clicking noise of the dollar getting accepted then bam its back out again. You can’t get the crinkles out, that bill is not getting accepted. The most frustrating thing about this is you have the money for what you want, but it wont let you buy it. If this were a personal transaction between customer and clerk you'd be eating your Snickers bar, but your dollar bill isn't good enough for this machine, and you’re not good enough for its Snickers.

Sunburn on the top of your feet: Sunburns in general suck, they burn, they sting, someone slaps it and it burns and stings but the sunburn on the top of your feet is the all time worst. Any type of clothing touching a sunburn is a painful experience, but when the sunburn is on your feet and you have to wear shoes and socks on it all day, rubbing back and forth every step you take, it brings the sun sting to a whole new level.

Burning your tongue: Is the hot chocolate cool enough to drink? Well there's only one way to find out…ahhhhhhhh that 2 centimeter square of taste buds won't be working for the next few days. The only way to avoid this really is to use your finger to gage the hotness, but then you look like a weird-o to whoever your with, so just wait for one of them to do the inevitable and burn their tongue first, wait a few minutes and give it a go yourself. You could blow on the drink, but that’s splattering all over the place. Or you could go inward cooling, that is, breathing in as you drink. But that’s no good either. Basically the best thing to do is use the digit, or simply wait until the next day when the hot chocolate reaches a tolerable temp.

Being behind the slow driver on a one lane road: Not that we are for driving really fast, but there is a comfortable pace, about 10-15 mph over the speed limit that is good to cruise in. You don't want to have everyone on your ass because you are going slow, but you don't want to be the asshole bobbing and weaving between cars like Barry Sanders in his prime. No one wants to be that “hero.”

Anyway, the highway is a place for everyone, to each their own lane. When someone wrongly crosses over to a lane that is out of their league they'll realize it soon enough when everyone starts passing them on the right. While there are options on the highway, the one lane road on the other hand is road rage waiting to happen. If you are on a one-lane road long enough you are inevitably going to be stuck behind someone out for a stroll in the park. This car is going the speed limit, or even 5 mph over but you want to go a little faster. It’s like trying to run on a treadmill that only has 1 speed, the slow walk. Whether you want to or not you’re going to be riding this car’s ass like an 8th grader at a school dance. You’re Zoro, and this shit-tard in the Oldsmobile is the horse. All you can do is cuss this car out in your head or to your co pilot, "you believe this asshole?" and hope that this car turns off soon, because your only other choice is the one lane road pass, a risky maneuver and let’s face it, that maneuver automatically says to everyone on the road, “hey, look, I’m an asshole.”