It’s summer time which means a lot of things to a lot of people. For some it means barbecues and outdoor fun, for others it means staying in to beat the heat, hating every drop of sweat that comes down from their head and for the lucky kids of school age it means a few months of freedom. Join us as we breakdown the the wonderful time know as summer, and the people who come out during this time.
The beach is probably the number one destination to beat the heat every summer. That is unless you live in a landlocked state like John grew up in (Arizona). In that case you’re going somewhere on vacation, likely to a beach or a lake. Vacations are a topic for another blog...
Anyway, the beach is awesome, for a couple hours at least, but then it gets kind of played. Agree or disagree about the awesomeness of the beach, what IS undeniable is that the best thing about the beach (as is the case anywhere with more than ten people) is People Watching. Here’s who you’ll inevitably see on the sand...
Speedo Guy
Speedo Guy
“Is that a lime in between that dude’s thighs?” Nope, that’s Gustav’s f-ing package in a lime-green Speedo. There should be an outright ban on Speedos on men. Why they’re sold is beyond me. Michael Phelps doesn’t even look good in a Speedo, therefore, you’re not looking good in a speedo. The worst offenders are Europeans. It’s definitely a cultural thing, which is weird because the Euros are so much better at dressing themselves than us US Americans. Ever go to a European city and just walk around? Everyone looks like they got they’re filming a J Crew commercial. But throw them on a beach and the suave style goes out the window. While the Eurpoeans do give you the pleasure of women showing their tots (which should be customary here, although my comment is exactly the reason it’s not), men are leaving nothing to the imagination. There’s nothing attractive about it. Especially because it’s normally overweight dudes that rock this look and their fat is hanging over the front lip of the Speedo. Not only is it barely keeping two balls in check, the Speedo now is being asked to hold the fat from flopping completely over the waist.
Pale Man
For pale people, summer must blow. Having to re-apply the SPF 80 every 8 minutes must be awful, but it’s awfully necessary, unless they want to look like a human Austrian flag after a day at the beach. Pales should just stay away from the beach all together. The glare alone to us Non-Pales is reason enough. But also, after applying their sun shielding kit: sun block on the nose (the only thing whiter than their skin) and a hat from the set of Gilligan’s Island, Powder’s cousin over here is even more ridiculous looking than Speedo Guy. Naturally as people watchers like ourselves do, we have to at the train wreck. Unfortunately our eyes just can’t handle that kind of white, because it’s not ever really represented in the color spectrum. Afraid of the water and/or sea creatures guy
John has admitted many times that sea creatures are not his favorite thing in this world. Reason for that is, if I ran into a bear or some sort of lion, I know I’d be F’d. But at least I have my wits about me on land. In the sea, you’re in their territory. Helpless. They say to punch a shark on the nose if it comes at you. How? Have you tried moving fast like that in the water? Your hand coming at the shark is just making it easier for the shark to eat. But the worst thing about sea creatures is they create an irrational fear of anything else in the water. Seaweed go past your leg? Might as well be a 12’ moray eel. A rock making a mysterious shadow? That’s definitely a sting ray ready to go Steve Irwin you. Someone say something that sounds like shark? Hope you like being pushed into the water, because I’m doing anything I can to save my own skin.
Side note: Sorry to Mrs. Irwin if she’s reading this. But not the daughter. She’s annoying. Too Soon? Oh and also, remember all those facebook hate groups that came out against sting rays following the croc hunter’s death? That was all the rage for a hot second.
The Tanner
The Tanner
Usually a chick, but as we’ve learned from the boys of Jersey shore, its not a gender exclusive activity. (Side note: They spent 2 summers at the Jersey shore and 1 in Miami, how many days did they go to the beach? 3 total? The truth is, people that love tanning stay far away from nature’s tanning bed). The Tanner has a mission, get as dark as humanly possible. Unless, that is mom and dad gave you your tan... a line that was once uttered to my dad when he asked a waitress at Dave and Buster’s how she stayed so tan in the winter (smacks forehead).
Anyway, Tanners get to the beach early with the goal of having their skin run through at least 3 nationalities that day. They are the antithesis of “Pale Man” and sunscreen is their enemy.
olds) a chubby by untying the bikini strap when they’re on their stomach. God forbid there’s a line of white across that black back. Then again what do I care? I’ve got a free show at some squished side-boob.
Tanners leave the beach a color somewhere between lobster and brick, but they consider it mission accomplished because don’t worry, it’ll turn into a tan, just give it a few days.
The Reader
The ocean has mystified men since the dawn of time. So fast, so powerful, so blue, ‘god’s masterpiece.’ This guy doesn't know anything about that because from the second he throws the beach chair down and buries the umbrella on the ground he’s lost in the latest Agatha Christi novel and his head isn't peaking up until the sun sets. And don’t think for a second that he's stopping to can gaze at the sunset’s beauty. He's stopped because the light is low and its hurting his eyes. Time to go home. Some of the beach readers have been brought up to speed with the 21st century and have traded in their kindling for a kindle, or iPad. While not having to haul all 800 pages of “The Book of Basketball” is nice, do you really want to bring your new expensive toy to a place covered with sand and water? And tell me you can read that iPad in the suns glare and I’ll tell you you’re a liar, sir.
Terrible athlete Trying to Play Sports
Beaches are great to play a various array of sports. Hell, beach volleyball is its own Olympic sport. Either way, playing football, catch with that Velcro ball and paddle thing, paddle-ball, etc is a beach must, especially John. The thing is, the beach appeals to everyone and sometimes the non-athlete in that person rears its ugly head. Throwing a football on the beach is amazing, except when the person throwing it back to you might as well just run and hand it back. Also classic: the father who gets frustrated at his son for being athletically deficient. Ah, lasting family memories... Just let your kid design a sand castle, he’s not interested in learning the proper follow-through technique on throwing a football. Girls hating other girls
AKA the hot chick that’s wearing the thong. Or the girl that’s rocking a bathing suit that looks crazy good. Or the girl that’s slightly more tan. Or the girl that’s got a wiggle to her walk. Or the girl that kind of glanced your way. Or the girl that’s got the nicer sunglasses. Or the girl that’s drawing more attention to herself. Or the girl that’s impressing the boys with her volleyball skills. or basically any other girl on the beach. Bottom line is, your girlfriend hates all the chicks. Because as soon as the bathing suit is put on, the competition is ON like King Kong. And men: we think we’re sly, but we’re not. Your girl knows that the reason you put on your sunglasses is so you could stare at other skanks walking by while you pretend to read. And if she doesn’t know that, then she’s dumb, and you should get a new GF who’s grounded in reality. You see a girl that’s a 10, with about that percentage of her body covered and it’s like you don’t even have a choice but look. Your girlfriend will throw out the, “wow is she really wearing that? ugh she’s so fake looking,” line. A real veteran boyfriend will beat the GF to the punch though by saying, oh man, check out that skank. Christ, what a slut. I’m so glad you don’t look like that.
Not Dressed for the beach guy
You have 2 options for footwear at the beach, sandals or nothing, and up top you’re rocking a bathing suit and a t shirt. Well this hombre plays by his own set of rules or he’s on vacation and didn’t pack a swimsuit, because here he comes to the beach in his cargo shorts and tennis shoes. I’ve even seen this guy rocking jeans before, JEANS. Is there a worse beach outerwear product than jeans? I wouldn’t know, because you’ll never see me at the beach with material covering my shins.
Why’s he dressed like he’s heading for a walk in the woods? He “doesnt like the feel of sand” and he’s “not a big swimming in the ocean guy”. I’ve got an idea for you, don’t come to the beach! If this guy decides to cut loose and go for a walk along the water just to “get his feet wet” you know he’s throwing his wallet and phone in his shoes and leaving them at his base camp, not a smooth move. The ‘wallet in the shoe’ move is so played that the last person to get away with it must have been doing it around the time when people were putting their car keys in their visors.
GRILL MASTER FLEX
He may be a little too into the grill scene and his apron that reads, “Grill Master: The Man, The Myth, The Legend” which he thinks is hilarious. This is the same fool who grills outside in the winter time. I mean he had to practice the craft at some point, right? The thing is Grill Guy doesn’t care how his food tastes. He just wants your complements and the praise from the group. “Oh man, Dave, thanks for grilling, this is awesome, bla bla.” People always ask him what he does to make it so good. “What’s in this, oh man it’s delicious!” And the grill guy plays it off like it’s no big thing. “Oh you know, just a little roasted pepper truffle oil, a dash of paprika, and some marinated shallots. And i let that sit overnight... bla bla bla.” Of course grill guy loves being grill guy so much that he’ll leave out the one key ingredient so that when you cook it, it sucks. Whatever, i guess i can put up with the pompous attitude toward sticking meat on a hot surface. I’ll even overlook the “Grillmaster: the man, the myth, the legend apron he’s sporting. I want to eat.
IT’S TOO HOT GUY
Also know as “It’s too cold guy” in the winter. This guy uses the weather as his go to excuse for never wanting to do anything. There’s nothing he likes more than sitting on his couch and watching people doing activities he never will be doing on TV. Trying to get a pickup basketball game together and need a 8th guy? Don’t bother trying to lure this baby out of his well because you’ll never catch him out in that 78-degree scorcher. 
