(Frozen) Food for Thought

The Wide World of Frozen Foods

Whoever first thought of freezing foods should be up there with DaVinci, Franklin and Edison when it comes to inventors. What a great idea, you take good food, freeze it and re-heat it at a later time. You get to enjoy a meal that someone else cooked in no time without the mess. Like most good inventions, freezing food was probably a mistake. Some Eskimo probably just got done clubbin’ a seal and dragged that shit through the snow. A piece of that meat probably fell off and was frozen in the ground until Boolaf Palin (one of the first known Eskimos) found it like a week later. Of course being a Palin, he simply threw it out and went to the market to trade 150,000 sperm whale bones for some new coats. But the next Eskimo stumbled upon it, heated it up, and ate it. Thus freezing food technology was born.

Thousands of years later, the cooking-ly challenged or people without time couldn’t live without it. You might as well remove the word frozen because to these devout people it’s just food, it’s all they eat. In fact, for these people, they preface the word food as we know it, with the word “fresh.” Like, hey I’m not having my normal Hungry Man Dinner; I’m having this “fresh” chicken. Whether you eat frozen food all the time or just some of the time, we all know that each type of frozen food have their pros and cons, and some stay more true to form then others. However, one thing stands true: When it comes to frozen microwave-prepared food, you’re simply minutes away from a meal that, well, at the very least is hot on the outside and cold in the middle, unless it’s a hot pocket. More on that later.

Frozen Dinners
Frozen dinners are the worst of all frozen foods, besides hot pockets. They are a good idea in principal. Give people a "meal" in a nice plastic tray with separators for the representative food groups. You get your meat, your veggie, and a starch. Despite the good intentions, there are two major problems with frozen dinners. First off, they're tiny. Have you, or anyone you know, ever eaten a frozen dinner and said man I'm full, stuffed, satisfied? No. Because it’s never happened. No one can fill up on the half piece of chicken, 10 kernels of corn and teaspoon of mashed potatoes. Most frozen foods these days are Healthy Choice or weight watchers and are made that way to help you intake less calories. The problem is that you need to eat three of them just to reach the stage of “not starving.” Secondly, they always smell wayyyyyyyy better than they taste. At work for example, you can smell people heating up these frozen dinners and it’s like Emeril decided to join your company for a day and cook everyone lunch. Then you go check it out and see the person walking away with a piece of chicken with some sauce bubbling off of it screaming because that little plastic tray is always scolding hot.

On a side note: how un-key was it when the corn spilt over and got embedded in your brownie of your Kid Kusine?Side note on Kid Kuisines: We know these meals are cool and geared toward kids because cuisine is spelled with a K. Doing that automatically means something is hip for some reason. Same with prefacing a word with “Xtreme.” The other hip thing to do is to put up a picture of a dinosaur or something. And if the dinosaur is skateboarding forget about it. Every 9-year old is dropping that in the cart.

Frozen Pizza

Frozen pizza, in our humble opinion, is the king of frozen foods. It holds truest to form. It's not delivery, It's Digiorno, and it’s better than most delivery, and much more cost effective. Think about it. If you order a pizza, it’s at your house in 20-30 min and it costs about 15 dollars by the time you leave the tip. If you grab a Digiorno, it costs 5 bucks at the supermarket and you can have that bad boy heated and ready to eat in 15-20 min.
Side note: Is there any sense in pre-heating the oven? No. If you put it in while its pre heating the pizza starts cooking while the oven heats up, your killing 2 birds with one stone and it gets the pizza cooked faster. Pre-heating an oven is an old wives tale. In the words of George Carlin, what the fuck is pre-heating? There’s only two possible states an oven can be in: Heated and non-heated. Pre-heating is a utterly useless fucking term.

Anyway, you could have three Digiorno's for the price of one delivered pizza, without sacrificing much in the way of taste, AND if you don't finish your frozen pizza, you can treat it like regular pizza and throw that bad boy in the fridge to heat it up tomorrow. You can get two meals out of one frozen pizza. Though, it’s best not to think of it as re-heating a re-heated pizza. That just doesn’t sound appealing.

Frozen French Fries

Frozen French fries are at best, OK as a frozen food product. You can heat them with any technique you want but they still don't have that great fried taste to them. No matter what you do they taste bland and uninspired, that is until you douse them in BBQ sauce, or use the less exciting, Ketchup. The good thing about BBQ sauce or Ketchup is that no matter how bad something may taste, if you throw either condiment on that business, it’s going to taste like BBQ or Ketchup. Brilliant.


Frozen Breakfast Foods

Frozen waffles, pancakes, French toast sticks, they're all good, but they're only good if you do them up right. Frozen waffles have to be cooked in the toaster, obviously.

• A frozen waffle is great and like a frozen pizza it’s much more time effective then making "real waffles". I bet 10 out of 10 Americans have had 50 times the amount of frozen waffles as regular waffles in their lives. Who has time to make those up? If you’re going to go through all the trouble of mixing the ingredients and putting it on the waffle iron you might as well make pancakes. Homemade pancakes are great. Then again, the brilliance of the waffle is that it’s a pancake, except for the fact that there’s dozens of little compartments for your syrup, a very key feature.
  
• Speaking of pancakes, frozen pancakes are solid. They're probably the least popular of the frozen breakfast foods, but pop a few of those flapjacks in the microwave and douse them in syrup and you’re in for a treat.
  
• Frozen French toast sticks are hit or miss, if you microwave them they're awful, if you cook them in the oven they're amazing. It's all about the crispy factor, no one wants to eat warm soggy bread, which is essentially what they become when you microwave them, but throw them in the oven and get them nice and crispy and you are living large. Really though, if you’re going to cook them in an oven, you might as well do them up right and make your own. How hard is it to mix eggs, cinnamon, milk and sugar, dip bread and cook it for 5 minutes? Therefore frozen French Toast is decidedly the most useless frozen breakfast.
  
• Furthermore on the topic of frozen breakfast treats, Pillsbury was brilliant with the addition of two items to the market. The first were the cinnamon buns in a can and the second was Toaster Strudel. Both have plenty of things in common. One, they’re tasty delicious. Two, they never come with enough frosting. Despite that inherent flaw, toaster strudel owns the Pop Tart in the pre-made pastry department, and the c-buns are way better than anything you’d get from Entiments’s. When it comes to strudel, apple-cinnamon reigns supreme. Occasionally Raspberry or strawberry are good too. But now they’re getting fancy, with Egg/Cheese strudel and Boston creme strudel. Hey, Pillsbury, stick to what you do best. We don’t need you flooding the marketplace with these less than stellar varieties.
  
  
  Frozen Hybrid foods (eg bagel bites)
  

We all know the slogan, “When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.” Pizza bites or bagel bites or pizza bagels, whatever you want to call it, it doesn't matter. When you combine pizza and bagels or English Muffins, you’re in for some crazy deliciousness. According to their ad department simply putting anything on a bagel means you can have it for breakfast too. It’s somewhat true, but what is undeniably true is that they're best Post-midnight. It’s Saturday night, and you could have been out all night, or done nothing at all. But once that hour strikes 12, you’re getting hit hard with a hunger attack. This is truly the best time for bagel bites. Pop those circular discs of yum-factor 10's in the oven for the recommended time and watch them work as they go Rambo on your hunger. Now, they say you COULD do these things in the microwave, but as we covered earlier with pizza, you really cannot do them in the M-Wave. What you’re getting for your laziness is punished with flimsy, rubbery, lukewarm in the middle and burning hot on the outside, bagel pizza. That’s no good.

Hot Pockets

This is the most overrated product you can possibly find in the frozen meals aisle. It tastes bad. It smells bad. And if you were John at age 12, they made you barf for an entire night, ruining them forever. Unless you’re using them as hand warmers, there’s no sense in EVER having one. Awful.

Frozen Meatballs

The pound-for-pound king of frozen foods. This is the one food that is decent in the microwave, but if you cook them in sauce on a stove top or in the oven? They’re miraculous. And there’s plenty of diversity here. You can put them with pasta, or make a mean meatball sandwich with them, or just eat them without anything, they’re that good.

Frozen pastas and ravioli

Short on time? Tired of boxed pasta or mac and cheese? This is the answer. What’s awesome about frozen ravioli is that it tastes so good, and only takes like 6 minutes after you get that water boiling. They’re way better than say, chef Boyardee, and most likely, way better than anything else you were going to make that night. Along with Ravioli, frozen lasagna is also delicious. Sure it’s not homemade, but nothing ever is when it’s a frozen meal. But you’ll definitely be satisfied with the warm goodness of lasagna.

Parties and Party "guys"

Everyone’s been to a party and everyone knows a few of the following “guys.” In regards to the party though there are several things YOU must know.

Getting to and leaving a party at the right time is key. Sure the party starts at “10:00” but that’s really party lingo for 11 or later. When getting to a party it is important to get there at the right time. If you get there too early, it’s quiet, there aren't many or any people there. In this case, if you don't know the hosts all that well be prepared for some awkward small talk and fake a phone call to get yourself out of there.

On the other hand, getting there too late can be just as damaging. If you get there too late, everyone has hit the alcohol hard and as soon as you get in, they’re coming up to you yelling all this stuff, hugging you and trying to get you to dance. You’re way too sober for this party and you’re not going to catch up because everything has already been consumed.

Leaving the party can be just as important as arriving. Just as you can't be the first to arrive, you cannot be the last one to go, either. You must have some self-awareness and realize, “hey, these peeps want themselves some sleep, I’m going to crash here on the couch or I’m getting the F out.” You can’t make like the Cranberries and “Linger.”

Here are some of the "guys" you might see at a party:

Drink Trick Guy

He's here to do one thing and one thing only. Show off his drinking trick. He's the guy that can swallow a pitcher of bear in 2 seconds. He's the guy who can do cool spinny-tricks with bottles and such. He's the guy that's got one drink move, but no one gets tired of seeing it.

Make Out with everybody Guy OR Skank girl

This guy’s come to the party and you might as well call him Wayne Gretzky because he’s playing tonsil hockey with everyone he can get his lips onto. It doesn’t matter what the partner looks like, they’re getting a smack on the lips, because on this night, this guy/girl is getting their Mack on. Note: Make out guy will never talk to his victims ever again.

Waste Case Guy

When this guy's at the party, you know he's getting obliterated. He could have
gotten completely trashed last night. It doesn't matter. He's going to get tanked whether you like or not. While "waste case" guy is fun for a while, eventually he's the one barfing in the toilet at 3 a.m., then eventually passes out sitting up or laying down next to the toilet. The important distinction/trait about WC guy is he ALWAYS swears he's not going to drink like that again. But next Friday, you know you're getting a repeat performance.

Miserable ‘cause his ex is there guy

He's just your friend having a good time at a party until as if he stared into the eyes of Medusa he turns to stone: his Ex is at the party. His good times just ended because this dude is going to be miserable for the rest of the night and then only prescription is more drinks up in his system. Oh, he'll keep drinking and drinking, but not to have a good time and embarrass himself on the dance floor, no he's drowning his sorrows with his best friends Jack and Jose.

"I'm so drunk," but only had one peppermint schnapps girl/one beer guy

This is the person that will have a single beer at 10 p.m. and then at 11:00 he/she is all over the place. Everyone knows it's fake because no one else is drunk. That, and the fact that friends hoping to catch this guy faking it, switched his beer to O'Doul's.

Takes drinking games too seriously guy

If you weren’t aware that beer pong is an Olympic sport, this guy will let you know. He takes serious to a whole other level. Most people think everyone is the winner of drinking games because you wind up drunk and have fun doing it, not this guy. Are you struggling with your 6th flip of that cup? He's going high school football coach on you and screaming at you like you dropped an open touchdown. Or perhaps your card is called and you have to take five drinks but you take a few sips and call it even. After all you’re taking it easy tonight. Not so fast my friend. He's not letting that slide, he'll count out the sips for you if he needs to. Are your pong cups are looking a little light? He'll fill ‘em up for you. He's undefeated in pong (which he continuously refers to as, Beirut) on the night, and he'll let you know about it. In fact, he knows his all time record (63-8 over the past 4 years). He’s also bending his back and putting backspin on the ball to reduce drag, and if he misses the clinching shot, forget about. You’re getting hit with “this is bullshit,” or “if it wasn’t for (partner’s name) missing like 5 shots in a row, we’d a won that shit.”

Stoner Guy

Forget drinks. Stoner guy's coming equipped with everything he needs in his pocket and a zip-loc bag. While every one's dancing, playing beer pong, talking, and trashing the place, stoner guy just wants to watch Half Baked or Family Guy.

Buzzkill Guy

Buzzkill guy is the one that’s chilling at the party saying nothing, talking to no one and wants to leave. He’s got his arms crossed and he simply does not approve of the situation. He’s thinking about all the things he could be doing, none of which are being at this party.

Killjoy AKA Fight Guy AKA "What was that?" Guy

This guy is in the same family as buzzkill guy because inevitably his actions kill the mood. The main difference here is that he'll come around to where you're hanging out and he'll start ragging on one of your friends. At first it's funny. But then Killjoy guy takes it too far and it's clear that the guy getting ragged on is getting pissed. Killjoy guy sees this and decides to go for the kill, because his goal is to get into a fight. Only until he can see that there's no way he's starting a fight does he finally recede back to where he was before. By the end of his tirade though things are awkward and the good times are killed and we're all left wondering, "What was that about?"

Song ADD Guy

You walk into the room and think, “ah I love this song.” Five seconds later it’s changed. You look and Song ADD guy is manning the iPod. This guy totally sucks because not only does he switch the song but he ruins the moment. You've got some hot skank who you've been eying all party grinding with you to some Akon and BAM! One minute later he puts on Love Shack because he wants to get up and boogey. So now you’re pissed but hey, Love Shack is a catchy song so you get into that, until before the first chorus you’re now listing to him sing along to the Backstreet Men (boys). Songs do have a natural end Song ADD Guy, and rest assured; another song will pop up. We’ve set the play list for a reason so let it go buddy, let it go.

Gets REALLY loud Guy

People naturally get loud when they're drunk. We get that. But this guy gets REALLY loud, to the point where it's obnoxious. He's so loud that you would be able to hear him if you were at a Hard Rock Café.

Drunk Dial Guy

He's drunk and everyone in his phonebook needs to know about it. He calls his girlfriend, his best friend, the chick that's in his group for Marketing, he won't stop. He's saying whatever on his mind and he's sure to regret it the next day, but tonight he's drunk, he's dialing and no one is safe, "oh hey grandma, long time no talk…."

Drunken eating guy

It's 3:30 a.m. and he's about to pass out, but he's ordering that extra large Domino's with everything on it, even though it doesn’t matter what’s on it. It could just be some dough and it's gonna taste delicious. He already went through all the food in his fridge, including his roommate’s dinners for the next week and eaten up every last chip and cookie in the house. And while he waits for the Domino’s, he’s putting some bagel bites in the oven and perhaps some frozen fries too.

Human Wrecking Ball Guy

You have to watch out for this guy because he’s got years of suppressed anger boiling up inside him. His dad never liked him so after drinking 16 beers he’s taking out on the house he’s in. The wall’s getting a hole, the window’s getting smashed and he’s going to end up with blood somewhere on himself or the wall.

The world is my bathroom guy

This is the guy who’s so drunk that he’s going to go to the bathroom wherever his urine happens to land on. It could be his own bed, it could be on the couch, it may even be your closet. It doesn’t matter, because when you gotta go, you gotta go, and when you’ve drank an entire case by yourself, the flood gates are going to need to open sooner or later.

Option E guy

Just like option E on the SAT’s, this guy is ‘All of the Above.’ He’s able to chug his drink in a single gulp, makes out with everybody, he gets wasted, plays beer pong too seriously, then sees his ex which makes him miserable, smokes a little, changes the songs for 15 minutes, and is now a waste case. He then calls everyone he knows, he gets really loud and obnoxious, starts dissin’ your friend until it’s awkward, but makes everyone feel better by ordering a ton of food on his credit card at 2:00 a.m. However, before he gets the food he passes out in the bathroom, but not before he’s pissed all over the place and tore off the toilet seat for no reason. If you’ve had this night, congrats, you’re the stuff of legend.