The Thanksgiving Blog!

What's not to like about Thanksgiving? Seriously. Well, let's preface that with, if you hate your family, Thanksgiving might be the worst day of the year for you. But for us with non-dysfunctional families, Thanksgiving is awesome. Of course the reason why Thanksgiving is awesome is because of the food, and that's primarily what we'll concentrate on today.

Turkey: Turkey is the Thanksgiving staple. Other than a turkey sandwich now and then do you ever even eat turkey during the rest of the year? But we all know deli meat turkey is decidedly NOT oven-roasted turkey. Turkey itself is nothing special really, it's somewhat moist unless Cousin Eddie from Vacation's Wife is cooking it, then you might need a little extra gravy. The skin is pretty much the only tasty part because that's where most of the seasoning ends up, unless you ordered "The Flavor Injector" from the makers of the Showtime Rotisserie BBQ. But simply put, turkey pretty much tastes exactly like chicken and perhaps is even a little less tasty. If you put a slice of turkey in front of someone on any day other than Thanksgiving, they'd say this is some good chicken. If you loaded a serving dish with slices of chicken and passed it around your family's table, they'd all be giving you kudos on what a great job you did with the turkey. The meat itself doesn't contain the real flavor you crave, no my friends that comes from the gravy. So it is our humble opinion that it is not turkey that makes the thanksgiving feast great, no sir. It is its wonderfully fattening brown friend, gravy.

Gravy: Gravy makes or breaks Thanksgiving. It's what you douse your otherwise flavorless turkey in, it's what you dip your bread in, you pour it on your mashed potatoes and you can even throw some on top of your apple pie if you get real adventuress. But, no matter what you use it for, if the gravy is sub par, that's the direction the day is heading. In other words, as the gravy goes, so goes your meal. For a good gravy it needs to be like Oprah, thick and dark, but not too thick or too dark. You don't want it running all over your plate just you just poured soup on your turkey, but you don't want to be scooping it out with a spoon either. The consistency is key. Some people like lumps in the gravy, but that just means you cooked it wrong.

Potatoes: Mash em, boil 'em, it doesn't matter. Potatoes in general are awesome. No wonder Ireland was crippled by the potato famine, you can have potatoes anytime, anyway and they're delicious with just about any sauce. BBQ, Ketchup, Salsa (chips), Sour Creme, Gravy, Ranch... how awesome.

Stuffing: I appreciate the efforts of the patrons who make their own home made stuffing, but the thought of stuffing should start and end at StoveTop. StoveTop stuffing is perfect. Its bursting with flavor, the chunks are the perfect size, you can make it in about 5 minutes and you can even snack on it while your waiting for the water to boil (its even better than croutons).

Cranberry sauce: Much like stuffing the "fake" cranberry sauce is so much better than the real stuff. I'll take that can with the white rapper any day over lumpy jelly with actual cranberries in it, ugh. There's nothing more satisfying than getting the cranberry "sauce" out from that can in one effort. The ridges in that are formed in that gelatin are just straight up classy. People try to class it up by putting it in a nice dish, but we all know what's going on. You can slice it, dice it, whatever, but your efforts of making it look cool are wasted so Accept it. And as mentioned before, no matter what you do, you're never topping the can taste.

Also something to think about: When the hell else do you ever eat Cranberry Sauce? The sales from cranberry sauce in a can must solely ride on the month of November.

Squash/Sweet potato: Squash is awesome. When prepared with some delicious brown sugar or even maple syrup infused, it's like having dessert on your T-Give (that's the cool way for saying Thanksgiving) plate. Sweet potato is kind of the same deal. It's orange, it's mashed, and it too is sweet and delicious.

Peas/Carrots: Forest Gump and Jen-nay goes together like peas and carrots, and peas and carrots go together good on your plate. They are essential vegetables on the table, especially when the carrots have some brown sugar on them (BTW, we're all about brown sugar, but not Brown Sugar the horrible movie). The vegetable that would make sense as a Thanksgiving dish that never makes it to the table, in our house at least is corn on the cob. Thanksgiving is supposed to pay homage to the meal between the pilgrims and Indians (before the pilgrims took all the Indian's land) and you know they were noshing on some corn on the cob back then, so why don't we have it today? Another thing we don't have at today's Thanksgiving tables? Semi-naked Indians. Though I think that's something we all can be thankful for.

Pies: As if you didn't eat enough turkey and "fixins" you wake up from your triptafan-induced coma just in time for pie. Pies are the pinnacle of deserts. You can throw anything into a pie and it'll be delicious, well except mince meat (doesn't it sound like some type of rat meat). Why waste a pie by filling it with meat? (Though shepherd's pie is exception to the rule, but that's not really a T-Give deal) You already had enough meat during dinner, its time for the sweets. Throw some apples, or pumpkin, or berries or ice cream in that pie crust and you got yourself a great capper to an awesome day of the 4 F's- Fun, Feasting, Family and Fuck I'm getting fat. Actually, that's five F's.

Thanksgiving Traditions:

Seating Arrangements - You might come from a smaller family where everyone can sit around one table and enjoy the meal together, but I (Pat) come from a big family where we not only have a secondary table, but we have the "kiddie table" in which we're annexed into another room, completely out of the way. The kiddie table is created in the beginning because there isn't room at the "Adults" table for all of the kids to fit, well its fine when your little, you don't wanna sit with the boring adults anyways. Eventually the one or two oldest cousins get promoted to the adult table when they reach a certain age and like a minor league manager, you're sad to see your guy go, but your happy for them and their big promotion, they finally made it to the big show. But when you finally get to the age where you saw your cousins get promoted and your sitting at your locker waiting for the call up, it never comes, you wait around a few years and your still stuck with the little kids, playing baby sitter now, you wait a few more years and before you know it your past your prime, you're downing beers telling the young ones how you coulda been something, you coulda been a real contributor, if you had just gotten your chance. You claim that the parents didn't know what they were doing, that it was indeed THEIR fault you didn't make it to the Big Tables. Well, perhaps you just got dished some cold hard truth my friend. Perhaps it was in fact YOU that was at fault. Where your cousins started talking about politics, economy, and work, you were still talking about video games, sports, and TV. You didn't step up your game to that level and you stayed in the farm system at AAA kiddie table. But don't fret, son. Work on a politics curve ball and start placing your office comments better and mix in some economy heat. Soon you'll be up in the majors.

Football - Between all of the food and naps we squeeze in some pig skin. The thing I never understood about Thanksgiving football is why do the Cowboys and Lions play every Thanksgiving? I understand the Cowboys, other than the Patiots, they are a true American sounding team name, but the Lions? Why not the Redskins? Why not have the Patriots take on the Redskins in a little old school Thanksgiving match up on a field at Plymoth Rock? Aside from that the Lions have been awful lately which brings up a lot of complaints about having to watch them get their turkeys stuffed every thanksgiving. Well as glass half full type of guys look at it like this, the game is over by the end of the first quarter or halftime at least, so its a perfect opportunity to squeeze in a nap.

But why the Lions and Cowboys?: According to one website, in 1934 the teams played on Thanksgiving, and they have played on ever T-Give day ever since. But, in 1934 there were only 11 teams, and none of them were the Patriots (who were the Boston Redskins) and none from the nation's capital and more surprisingly the Cowboys were not created until 1960, so why these two teams play I'll never know. If you want my (John's) guess: Cowboys are "America's Team" and Detroit is the home to three major American Automakers, Ford, GM, and Chrysler, and really, like the Lions and American cars in general, what's more American than something doing well right now?

Naps - Naps are as integral to turkey day as the turkey its self. This is in fact the one holiday where not only are naps acceptable, they're expected. They've become such a part of thanksgiving that you can't imagine anything different, but if you really take a step back and think about it, its an odd thing. When else would you head over to your aunts house, eat a ton of food and follow that up by walking over to the couch, unbuttoning the button on your pants and zonking out for a good hour, only to wake up to the smell of sweet pies? Well, never.

Attire - Some families are all about the nice apparel. That's well in good. But the most important thing is that you're comfortable and have something loose fitting. There's no way you're going to be able to survive the day in some tight slacks. No way, no how. Imagine this: think about how much food you pour on the plate. Now subtract the weight of the plate from this equation. You're putting in POUNDS of food. Serious heft is to be added to the waistline in one afternoon, because you know you're absolutely starving yourself for the feast. By the time the late afternoon comes and you have been smelling all that business cooking all day, it's like you haven't seen food in weeks. That's where the loose pants come in. The last thing you want to have is tightness and discomfort on the waistband. The key to this is having some of those fancy Dockers pants that have elastic on the inside so they give a little bit.

Finally from all of us at "Pat&John on..." well, okay, from Pat and John, have a Happy Thanksgiving and give thanks for health and happiness!

The Opposites

As the blog has increased in popularity, we have begun to receive fan mail from some of our most devoted readers. Today’s blog will answer a question from one of those fans.

Billy Crapshire from Lake Shore, MI asks:

Geewilikers Pat and John, you guys sure do agree on lots of topics, is there anything you don’t agree on?Sincerely,Billy

Why yes little Billy, there are several things we disagree on. No one sees eye to on everything. In fact there are several social views we don’t see eye to eye on. But we’ll leave those for another day on a blog called, “how pat and john feel about killing babies.” For now we’ll stick with just random things we have completely and utterly opposing views on.

1. Pizza leftovers: cold vs. warm

Pat: People are always talking about the greatness of cold pizza, in fact they even named a show on ESPN about it, but its not all that its cracked up to be. I'll stick with my contention that any food intended to be served hot is better hot. If pizza was better cold then Domino's would bring that pie over in a freezer, not a high tech heat wave bag. Heating the pizza enhances the flavor, cold cheese is good, hot cheese is amazing, cold marinara sauce? eh its weird, warm marinara sauce is great on pizza, pasta and pretty much anything. Not to mention if you have toppings on that pizza, who wants to eat one cold, then warmed, then cold vegetables or meats? Doesn't sound too appetizing to me. I'll even contend that pizza re-heated can be better than the first time around. In fact, Pizza Hut's pizza is better the next day then it is when it comes fresh from the store (and yes that was a fact in my opinion). Re-Heating in the oven adds an extra crispiness factor that somehow you cant get the first time around. Cold pizza is decent at best, and when you're on the fly and you don't have time to throw it in the oven, or even nuke it for 30 seconds its a solid snack, but why settle for decent when you can enjoy as good if not better pizza then you were eating the night before?

John: Pizza is delicious when you get it at your local pizzeria or make it from frozen or whatever. There's something to be said about that fresh taste of hot pizza, but let's be honest, you're never recreating that same taste, or anything close to it again. After I've had all i can eat the first time through and throw what's left of the pie in the fridge, you can bet my pizza is not touching anything warm again, besides my mouth. The reasons are many for why pizza is better cold than warm: Firstly, you don't have to worry about burning your mouth on that sauce, which somehow maintains a surface temperature close to that of the sun. Secondly, all that unappealing grease that was standing on that business has now congealed and formed as one with the pizza. It's the classic, what you can't see, can't kill you deal. Thirdly, cold pizza, like bagel bites, can be had at ANY TIME. It's 9:00 ... it doesn't matter if it's a.m. or p.m., cold pizza's totally appropriate and delicious.

2. Mushrooms

Pat: Much like me, mushrooms are a fun-guy (bada ba) and although the thought of eating a fungus doesn't sound appealing, try eating one with no preconceived notions that its a weird thing to eat and you'll be very pleasantly surprised. Mushrooms don't even have a flavor really, they just soak up whatever they're in, and they're so versatile, toss them in a salad, cook em on a pizza, grill them up, pop them in your mouth and the walls start moving (or so I've heard/seen in Entourage) no matter what you do with them they're a good addition to any meal.

John: My reasons for hating mushrooms are simple. When you break it down scientifically, mushrooms are poisonous to the human body. What's the point? Okay, so you'd have to eat like 800 portabella mushrooms to get sick, but why should I eat something my body wasn't naturally supposed to digest in the first place? But, if the scientific reason doesn't satisfy you, I also hate mushrooms for being tasteless and slimy/flimsy.

3. Egg Salad

Pat: Whenever someone busted out that egg salad sandwich at school lunch, you know you were pissed you sat at that table. Is there a worse smell? Well probably the after effects of it, but that sandwich wreaks. They say that taste is linked to smell, so how could that taste anything remotely close to good? I used to like egg salad when I was younger, but then again I also used to like to eat paste, and you don't see me doing that anymore.

John: Egg salad is straight delicious. Hard-boiled eggs are fantastic. Mayonnaise is fantastic. Combining the two is simply incredible. Throw that biz on some toast or bread for a sandwich? So good. Who cares if your breath is rank for some time? Who are you kissing? Chances are, if you're having egg salad with your significant other, you've reached a point where the two of you can be honest with each other and say their breath stinks. So not only is egg salad awesome, but it's also a barometer for where you're at with your lady.

4.

Pat: Entourage is one of my favorite shows on television right now. The plots aren't deep and intricate, problems are resolved easily, E is a prick who I can't stand and its flashy, but its entertaining. Ari and Drama are some of the best characters on TV. And there is no way any guy isn't at least a little envious of Vince who makes bank off a few movies and gets to go jet setting around in nice cars to crazy parties, be in with the coolest people in show biz and do it all with his best friends, not bad for a kid from Queens.

John: There's nothing to like about this show, that is until it ends and Flight of the Conchords starts. It's a show about four idiotic 20-somethings who I connect with on no level. No thank you.
5.

Pat: Lost is the best show on TV and it has far too many haters. People complain that its unrealistic, they're on an island with smoke monsters and polar bears and time travel. Yeah its unrealistic, but so was Star Trek, I Dream of Genie, and Gilligan's Island (there's no way the professor could have set all of that stuff up with some coconuts and bamboo, McGyver isn't even that good) and those shows are classics, people love them. Lost doesn't claim to be based on fact, its a creative show. People also complain that nothing happens, these are the same people that complain about other shows blowing through story lines and resolving conflicts too quickly. Lost is a great show if you watch every episode, its not a show you can hop in the middle of the 2nd season and watch it when you catch it on TV. You'll be the one that's Lost, but when given the proper time, its the best show on TV.

John: Admittedly, I haven't watched this show since season 2. Apparently a lot has changed. However, after watching much of season 1, I was intrigued to continue. But watching season 2 turned me off so much. Nothing happened. nothing happened!! Oh look another episode, and oh look, we still don't know anything new. Perhaps the show has improved and I'm not giving it a fair shot, but now I'm just too stubborn and stuck in my ways to commit to this thing now.

6. Beer

Pat: Beer is great, not the first time, or the second time you have it, but it is great. Its an "acquired taste" and I know John will say why acquire the taste for something that tastes like shit? Well it doesn't taste like shit, pretty much the opposite, and no J-Rad the opposite of shit isn't piss. A nice cold beer is the most refreshing beverage you can have on a hot day. You don't like how Budweiser tastes? well that's fine try a Guiness. Think Corona is bitter? Throw a lime in it. Beer comes in many flavors but they all include the other part of beer that makes it great, alcohol. There is no other alcohol that tastes as good as beer. Try drinking a 12oz glass of Vodka or Jager and not throw up, I love beer. beery, beer, beer. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

John: Everyone loves beer right? I mean it's cold, it's refreshing, i mean what's not to love? Well everything actually. Beer is painfully bad in my book. Where should I start? It tastes and looks like urine. It's watery. It's bitter. And once that bad boy gets anywhere less than ice cold, it's quite undrinkable and makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can think of almost anything I'd rather drink than beer. Seriously. And the funny thing is, when I tell people I don't like beer, it's like I've just said, I don't like chocolate or ice cream or something. Yeah that's right nut-bag, I don't like this drink that tastes like shit. The other funny thing about not liking beer is that people always give me the same advice about learning to grow to like it. "I didn't like it at first either, you just have to keep drinking it, and it gets better." Well I've given it a fair chance, and it still sucks. The logic of doing something until you like it doesn't make much sense to me. Now this is purely hypothetical, but let's say I was someone who was into getting boned in the butt. Okay? with me? and I was like, hey, you should try it. you won't like it the first or second time, but eventually you will.First off, are you going to take my word on it? No, probably not. If you're not into it to start, it's probably not going to happen. Same with me and beer. I don't like the way it looks or smells so I probably won't like it. Now back to the anal sex...Secondly, if you did try it and then hated it, would you keep trying it until you liked it? No you wouldn't, so why is the case different with beer? It's not. I'm sorry people, I just don't like beer...or anal sex, but like Lost, i don't think I've given the latter a shot, but I have a feeling I won't be either hahaha.

7. Seafood

Pat: First off Seafood comes in many shapes, sizes and flavors. Most people lump it into one category, Seafood, but that's like saying everything else is either "Land Food" or "Air Food". Salmon tastes nothing like muscles, just as chicken tastes nothing like steak, but no matter what kind of water dwelling creature you're eating, its tasty.

John: Besides shrimp and clam chowder, there's nothing to like about sea creatures. They're fuckin weird. Fish taste fishy, lobster is expensive and unsubstantial, and oysters are slimy and chewy. And if there's bones, forget it. To me, it seems that if the only reason something is good is because there's something overpowering it, than that thing sucks to begin with. Lobster is only good because of the butter, clam chowder's only good because of everything else in it, tuna fish sandwiches are delicious because of the mayo and melted cheese, shrimp is good because of cocktail sauce, clam cakes are good because of the cakey business and the horseradish. That doesn't say much about seafood in my opinion. If I just put salt and pepper or some spices on chicken, steak, or turkey, it would still be good. If I just put salt on some salmon, it would be like, ugh, I wish this were chicken.

Conclusion:

I say Tomato, he says Tomato as well. The two of us agree on most things, but little Billy, everyone has different opinions now and then, like your parents. Your dad decided he liked the Guatemalan gardener Jose better than he liked your mom and that's why they're not living together anymore. But these differences are what make us special, make us unique, make us different. In the words of Lewis Black, "We're all little-fuck-snowflakes." At least there is one thing we can all agree on. PatandJohnOn is the best blog ever!