“Pat and John on...” has been dark since 2009. Kind of like the the opposite of Sammy Sosa. But a lot has happened over the past two years. We’ve left the 00’s (or the oughts) and entered the 10’s (pretty soon the decade will hit puberty). Since we last wrote an article, we had the new trial of the century, the movie about facebook has already been made, and Tiger Woods played 18 holes a day, and he also played some golf too. The first iPad came out since we left, and the second iPad too. Oh and Lebron James went from being awesome and admired to being still awesome, but loathed. Oh and we now know that if 500 people buy a massage on groupon, we can get it for 1/2 price. But more than anything, in that time we’ve become more deeply entrenched in the “Over-Informed Age”. We now have the ability to know what everyone and everything is doing, where they're doing it and so much more, every second of the day, and we can’t get enough of it. Come to think of it, this is the first thing anyone has written --and hopefully read--that's longer than 140 characters since our last blog. Over the next few blog entries we’ll dive into the different aspects of the “Over-Informed Age”.
BLOG #1
Facebook
Back in freshman year of college someone told me about some website called the facebook where you put some info in about yourself and can officially become “friends” with your friends. It was a less creepy myspace since it only allowed college students (another slap in the face to your dumb ass friends who couldn't even get into Community College--but also, it showed you were officially better and smarter than your friends that were at vocational school. I'm looking at you, University of Phoenix). Since then, it’s dropped the “the” and facebook has taken over. It’s replaced photo albums, birthday cards, AIM, “e-vites”, being social, liking things, real life stalking, and for that matter, real life talking too. Walls used to be things you put up to separate rooms from one another. Now you post on them. Facebook has become our one stop shop to keep tabs on anyone and everyone, it has killed the need to ever have a high school reunion again because you already know what everyone is doing, who got knocked up and who doubled in size since you left school. Facebook is a daily high school reunion, and while you’re stalking your way around it’s pages you are sure to run into these people:
Real Friends
They make up a very very small percentage of your “friends” on facebook, but these 10 or 12 people are the real friends you would keep in touch regularly. If this were the 90s, these are the people whose phone numbers you'd memorize. They’re your core group. They’re the ones tagged with you in all of your pictures. You post on their walls and leave snide comments on their pictures, but facebook isn't the thing that's keeping the friendship alive, its just another way to playfully make fun of them. Like calling them fat, or commenting that Freddy Kruger wants his sweater back. Or, simply to reminisce on your good times.
Ex Girl/boyfriends
In the past I’m sure once you broke up with someone, unless you lived in the same town with them or were still in school with them, you never saw them again (Read: John thinks you can still be friends with exes and most relationship advice people would actually comment that it's a testament to the strong character of both people if you can remain friends... but that's neither here nor there. Plus, who else are you going to drunkenly hook up with if you don't stay in contact?). Anyway, you might run into the person 30 years down the road when you’re both married with kids and have an awkward, “you look great” conversation and go on your way, but that was before facebook. Now unless it ended with a restraining order (which probably includes a lifetime ban from being facebook friends) you’re gonna be there for every pound they gain and every guy(or girl) that’s pounding them. Even if you’re happily entrenched in a new relationship and don't care what the ex is doing, facebook will suck you in.
You’ll log on to see your newsfeed throwing you a little heart next to their name saying So and So is in a relationship with Whats-his-face. Like you’re not clicking on that? The thing might as well have said, if you want a bigger dick, click here, because that's probably the only other thing you'd click on as fast.
You’ll log on to see your newsfeed throwing you a little heart next to their name saying So and So is in a relationship with Whats-his-face. Like you’re not clicking on that? The thing might as well have said, if you want a bigger dick, click here, because that's probably the only other thing you'd click on as fast.
Anyway, within 4 seconds of seeing this person you’ve already sized them up. In fact, while the page was loading, you already determined based on the name alone you don't like that person.
"Ugh, his name is Gordon. C'mon. What kind of yuppie stuck up name is that?"
Then the page loads up. If they haven't made everything private, BAM! You go right for the pictures. Instantly you've concluded he’s a pussy. And if he can definitely beat you up, you insist you'd have rage on your side, so it'd be no contest. And if you look at that one picture of him, he’s got a semi-lazy left eye, in that ONE picture. Congrats Gordie on your new nickname: "TLC" because you've replaced Left Eye Lopes. And the best part is, even if it was a horrible break up, you're definitely using every new companion as a way to pump yourself up.
"She left me for that guy? He looks like Dwight Schrute (read: George Clooney)."
Oh and every person that ex dates, you can go ahead and scratch that name off the list of names you'd like to name your kids.
And you think you'll grow up, be adult about it, but you won't. Sure, when their birthday comes up, you'll give them the courtesy, “happy bday, hope alls well”. But you'll always take a look at that person's ish from time to time. Once you've been inside another human being, you've unknowingly signed off on the provision that you'll be keeping tabs on each other.
Acquaintances
Who the hell is this guy? John MacKendoo? Click through a few pictures, oh yeahhhhh he’s Mike’s boy who I met at his 4th of July party in ‘06, that kid was the man. Where as in the “olden days” John MacKendoo, or DOOOOOOODE as you were calling him after 13 Budweisers that night, would have fallen out of your life and memory with a banging headache the next day. You find out when he starts dating a new chick, and when he takes a trip with his boys to Bonaroo. You know when his grandfather dies (Sorry to hear about your loss) and when he gets a new pup (Awesome dog man, is that a Cocker-doodle?).
He’s not your friend, but I can guarantee you know more about him then your dad still knows about half of your groomsmen. Oh and the only time you might, MIGHT message this person is in a desperate reach at looking for a roommate. "Hey man, we mat back in '06, I know you live in Delaware. I'm moving there in September. You, or anyone you know looking for a roommate? Trying to avoid the Craigslist thing."
Random hot skanks that your friends are friends with
So you're sitting there looking at your friend's wall when suddenly you see on the left a 1 cm thumbnail of someone that's crazy hot. "HOLY SHIT. Who's that? And how does Dave know them?"
You have no idea who she is but your friend was tagged in a picture with her and lucky for you she doesn't understand how to change her facebook privacy settings so you’ve got 2,000 pictures to go through. By the 300th picture when you’re looking at her eating a family dinner with her grandparents you start to feel a little weird about the whole thing but you power through and BOOM “Cancun 2010” comes up. Nice, bound to be some bathing suit shots there... Fuck you lady's grandpa, thanks for making me feel awful about scanning your grand daughter's pics.
“Come See My Show,” guy
He went to high school with you or you met him at a party in college or you cant really remember how you know him, but you know one thing, he’s playing at The Boom Boom room next Thursday and its only a $5 cover if you RSVP on facebook. It’d be one thing if these event invites came through once in a while, but you can count on them every Wednesday like clockwork to promote the upcoming weekend’s event. Is there anything worse than reading "dude, you gotta come see my band--Soaring Windstar--this weekend. It's going to be sick."
You mutter to yourself, "wasn't your band name, Basket of Fire like 2 weeks ago?". Yeah, but that was before they added this sick new keyboard player and changed their sound from finger-rock, to German influenced Synth-rock.
It's gotta suck to be the one sending out these mass messages. You might as well be the guy on the street corner handing out pamphlets for $10 haircuts. At any rate, you’ll never go to his show unless you're dragged there or arrive by accident. Oh and the band knows that, and you know that, but you RSVP 'Maybe' anyway so you don't look like an asshole. After about, say, 100 invites, you finally hit un-friend.
The Comment/Like Fiend
They may be a friend, an acquaintance, your Aunt or your little sisters friend, but they like you, well maybe that’s a stretch, but they like everything you do on facebook. Sure they’re being nice saying “looks like a great time” on all of your photo albums, and they liked your last 15 status updates, but enough already we get it. I believe Confucius once said, “If you like everything, is it even liking at all?”
The Birthday Bandit
You haven't talked to this person in 364 days. You almost completely forgot about their existence, but every year when you’re birthday rolls around “Happy Bday” appears on your wall from them, will this lead to you catching up with them? Nope, they said their piece and they’ll see you (your wall) again in exactly 365 days.
Family/Boss
You like your Uncle a lot. Your aunt is a great lady. Your 12-year old cousin is real cute and you played a little wiffle ball with them at the last family get together. They’re great people and you like them. And you might even like your boss, but honestly, facebook opening its doors to everyone was just about the worst thing for young people everywhere.
Facebook has brought everyone to the same level. The people you hardly know, your best friends, your coworkers, and your family. They all get to see the picture of you gargoyling a keg at some party. They all get to see the video of your drunken excuse for dancing. Does your aunt really need to see that? I never got to see that from them. And you think they didn't have wild days?
Remember the days when you could post whatever you wanted about yourself?
"This ecstasy, is UNREAL."
"I fucking hate my job. This company blows."
"3 Days. That's the answer to "how long can you stand being around your parents?"
Those days are over my friend. Now that your parents/boss are friends with you, you can go ahead and chuck out being 100% honest about anything. In John's case, this means curtailing his atheist feelings and this blog from his mom. For Pat, it's un-tagging a few pictures... ok a lot of pictures. Oh and when a parent comments on something, forget about it. You might as well have just gone to a party with your mom. Oh and you were tagged in that album too.
The Bragger
You've got that friend who is clearly making more money than you at a much better job. Or they got into a more prestigious school and everyone has to know about it.
"Flying to Monte Carlo for work. The job has its perks :)"
You're going to need a new computer monitor because you've just punched it.
"Studying for my super extra hard exam that you'd never understand because you don't go to Harvard Law like I do."
That person can go ahead and get a PhD in ‘Go F yourself.’ No one wants to hear about how much you're killing at life and how much I'm barely getting by. In fact when the bragger says something bad, that's definitely reason for celebration.
The Uber Post-er
Even if they're your best friend in the world, seeing someone post at a rate of 30 posts a day is nauseating.
Dear Diary
This person uses facebook like its their digital therapist. If they’re having a bad day, the world needs to know, if their girlfriend broke up with them, the world needs to know, if they’re in love with their new boyfriend the world needs to know, via a quote from the notebook. This person has a lot going on and they want everyone to know about it. We’re all happy that you’re in love, sucks that you got dumped, happens to everyone, I’m real sorry to hear about your uncle. But isn't there anything you want to hold in and let fester inside until you inevitably implode in a rage of emotion to the unfortunate person that accidentally brushed shoulders with you in the street? What ever happened to some privacy in our lives? I don't know, probably because I was too busy stalking someone on facebook.
The Person that isn't on facebook
The above people are pretty bad, but this person is the WORST. They’re not on Facebook. And the reasons vary, but it normally falls into these categories:
- I don't need it / I already talk to the friends I care about most
Translation: I'm too stubborn and jaded to reconnect with old friends and I don't really want to help myself make more.
- I got caught cheating on it, so I deleted my account
Translation: Jeez, my life would be so much easier with my gf if she didn't know I was cheating so much.
- Personal Protest / I'm too cool for it
Translation: I'm not really that cool myself, oh, and that band you're listening to sucks.
- Crazy about their privacy
Translation: I've got something to hide. Possible pedophile.
Whatever the excuse is, it sucks. As much as facebook is an easy target to rip on and as pointless as 99% of it is, not being on facebook is like that person in 2000 who didn't have a cell phone. Can you imagine someone being like, "hey can you hold on? I need to run home and check my voicemail."
And how about if you want to invite a bunch of friends to something. Now, you need to invite 19 people on facebook, and then email the 20th jerk, which makes you wonder, why am I even friends with this person. I mean it’s not even facebook official.
Because of the shear fact that everyone else is in on it, it makes you the asshat for being out. So step down from your pedestal and join the rest of us in the “Over-informed Age” and stalk some people on facebook... or google plus.
