(Ex) Smoking

So here’s the situation. Someone smokes. Then, they stop smoking, and everyone comes over and says, “Congratulations, you stopped smoking?!?”
People gush over them and ask all these questions:“Is it as hard as you thought?”
“Are you chewing the gum?”
“Do you have big cravings?”
And my personal favorite, “Oh my god, you’re quitting cold turkey?”

People can never believe someone is quitting cold turkey. It’s always shock and awe. It’s as if this person has just finished fighting something truly difficult, like they just came back from Iraq or overcame AIDS, or overcame AIDS in Iraq.

Maybe I’m cold, but why are we congratulating them? I refuse to say “good job.” Why should I congratulate someone for quitting? How hard can it be to make a decision to spend less money, be healthier, and look better? What a tough choice that must have been. "Well I can continue to infinitely increase my chances of getting cancer, heart disease, and look and smell like crap--OR--I could be healthier."

How about we don’t congratulate them, instead, we thank the ex-smokers for not smelling like shit anymore and ask them only one question, “how could you be so dumb to start?”

Better yet, when someone says they stopped smoking, I turn the attention to me.
“I’ve been smoke-free for 24 years. Yeah I did it, cold turkey. Where's my medal?"

Smoking Breaks

I thought segregation ended in the 50's, but no it still goes on today. It’s no longer black and white, its smokers vs non-smokers (black vs. white lungs). It's one of the most overlooked slights in society today.

Smokers have a clear advantage over non-smokers in the workplace. If you’re a smoker, you get to go on a smoke break whenever you want cause you need to quench your craving. How is that fair? You crave a ciggy so you get to step outside and relax, not working, enjoying the fresh, well not so fresh air with your heater. You know what I have a craving for every 2 minutes during the work day? The craving to NOT be working. Can I step outside for 5 min at a time to stand there and stare at the wall or talk to my buddy? No, I'd just be slacking, or avoiding working, its just not accepted. But the min I'd pick up smoking? BOOM, you need a smoke break? Go take one.

And they think the "truth" adds will deter kids from smoking? If you really want to deter kids from becoming smokers AND make society healthier, take the smoking breaks away from the puffers and give them to us non-smokers. Let us go outside for a few min and stand against the wall talking to our non-smoking friends. Let us stand out there and eat caramels, cause in the words of the great Will Hunting, its just as ahhhrbitrary.

People with Smoking Stipulations

This is a pet peeve of mine. I hear this all the time from people, even from my own girlfriend, best friend, and once, with my step sister: “I hate smoking, except when I drink.”

What the hell is that? How can you hate something in one state of mind, but love it when inebriated? If anything, drinking only further enhances your feelings about stuff. If a dude is all about something, say a football team, or is heated about some douche hitting on his girlfriend, introducing drinking is only fanning the flame. So if you don't smoke, shouldn't you hate it more when you're enjoying some adult beverages?

There are certain things that are acceptable to like more when you’re drinking: singing, being obnoxious, eating pizza at 2:30 a.m., and dancing like a moron. Smoking a ‘cool stick’ is not one of them.

Moving Day

Moving sucks. There’s no doubt about it. It’s one of those so-called “necessary evils” in life. If you want to upgrade to a bigger place, a nicer place, a better place, you’ll have to move and there’s no way around it. That is unless you have movers doing it for you, in which case you’re made of money, because moving not only puts dents in your walls, but also your wallet.

Expenses:
Let’s start with U-Haul, Ryder, Budget, etc. They’ve cornered the moving truck market. Sure the truck says “RENT ME FOR AS LITTLE AS $19.99.” Yeah, but even if you’re moving just 8 miles like I did, you’re not walkin’ out of the joint without spending at least four times that much. As it turned out, My B and I paid $93.00. How did that happen? I’ll never know. Just like the cable company, (a rant for another day), and food at a stadium/movie theater, you know you’re about to get ripped off, but what else are you going to do? Put a three-seater couch on your Civic? Also try walking out of there without the guy behind the desk offering about 30 things to you before handing you the keys.

So all you want is a truck and a dolly?
What about insurance?
Blankets?
Furniture dolly?
Boxes?
Towels?
Clothing boxes?
Movers?
Protective air cushions?
Bubble Wrap?
Packing peanuts?
Packing tape?
Masking tape?
Duct Tape?
Scotch tape?

The truck itself is insane. Is there a louder ride on the planet? I think the guys on the first Apollo rocket were like, “THIS ROCKET IS LOUD, BUT AT LEAST IT’S NOT A UHAUL!” Also be prepared for some wheel alignment issues. Holding the wheel straight means you’re turning right at a 30-degree angle. And the ride? Forget about it. It’s amazing more stuff doesn’t break because Dr. Dre in is ’64 Impala thinks you’re bouncing around. You ever see the vintage footage of the army testing the first Jeeps? It’s something like that.

Moving Attire:
The moving attire is a very overlooked part of moving, you've gotta be prepared for anything moving throws at you, which is why you wear:

- Old Shirt: a shirt that you never care about seeing again, not only is it going to smell like the Johnston Landfill by 8:45 a.m. because you’re moving on the hottest day of the year (the weather gods always wait on this day till the day you move) but also because that shirt becomes a dirt rag. You're using the bottom of that to dust the top of a shelf off, or wipe your dirty hands on, as a band aid for your cut finger, that shirt is getting abused, its a mercenary, your throwing it to the hounds, and its not coming back in one piece. The other thing about this shirt? It’s Free. You didn’t even win this shirt. You were given this shirt. It’s that shirt you got while you were walking on the street and some guy from “Earth Day Awareness” group or some other non-profit handed you it but you felt too bad tossing it out.

- Pants: Moving has to be why they invented cargo shorts; they're a UHAUL that fits on your waist. They've got more pockets than you know what to do with, or at least that’s what you thought until you used them on moving day. You're using every one of those pockets and wishing you had more. You've got 8 different keys to: cars, trucks, apartments, closets, locks, everything you can imagine. You've got your cell phone, wallet, ropes, tape measures, nails, screws, notes, directions, and half of your silverware, and that’s just in one cargo pocket. Bottom line is, you've got everything you can fit in those pockets, and you wish there was more room.

NOTE: Not wearing a belt on moving day with your cargo pants is like going to a party with a boner & sweatpants.

- Shoes: I've moved in sandals a few times, but you’re going to want to wear a good pair of sneakers. Nothing ruins a move like a bureau coming down on your big toe, that'll ruin a day or three and your friend will have to pick up the slack, making the favor of moving even more unbearable then it originally was

- Backwards Hat: This is not an essential, but this is the first accessory. Something’s got to hold back that sweat from dripping into your eyes and nothing says “I’m Moving” like a backwards hat. Now you could sport a backwards on a regular day, but what makes the moving-day edition different is the fact that it’s your worst hat. It’s the hat you use to do anything that will sustain large quantities of sweat. This normally means it’s an adjustable hat also. And on any other occasion, a backwards+adjustable hat looks ridiculous, but on moving day, or days where you mow the lawn, an adjustable backwards lid is passable and completely understood.

Effect on Friends

First off, asking a friend to move is something you hate doing, you know no one wants to help you move, but your real good friends are almost obligated. You know it, they know it, the people standing around overhearing the conversation know it. You tell them you just signed a lease on a new apartment to bring up the move innocently, and the wheels in their head start churning up excuses.... They're thinking, oh shit, a new apartment, that means a move, he's about to ask me to help, think of something quick, come on, come on, what could I possibly think up for that weekend...family reunion? Way too obvious of a lie. Dad's birthday? He's already had 3 birthdays this year. Shit! Sister's birthday? He'll see it's a lie on facebook. Dog's birthday? It died 3 years ago, that wont work. ahhhhh time's up. This is exactly why you ask your best friends because you know them too well to know when they’re making up an excuse to get out of helping you.

The best way to ask someone to move is to go with the old, “Can you help move a few things?” Now that's the biggest understatement of the century, can you help me move a few things? A few things? More like EVERYTHING I OWN. A few things is: boxes, beds, bookshelves, desks, lamps, rugs, plates, silverware, and not to mention the sleeper sofa from 1954 that their apartment's previous owners left behind, because no one has good enough friends to help them move that, well besides you. You’re signing them up for a day that World's Dirtiest Job's won’t even go near, Moving Day.

On Moving Day you wake up at 7 am to get a jump on it, go grab your truck and you're good to go. You've got the energy of 4 red bulls because you're moving and even though you don't actually want to move all your crap you’re kinda excited for your new spot. By moving day, your old spot is always a piece of trash that you don’t know how you ever lived in and your new place has a celestial glow around it. Your buddy comes over at 830, which if moving wasn’t enough, you make them give up their Saturday AND wake up early. Even though they say no problem a hundred times, you know they're just thinking of what evil things they can do to you on their next moving day.

So if you help a friend move, you’re owed big time. The only equal thing that makes up completely is your friend helping you move. Otherwise, nothing can make up for it totally. Treating your friend to lunch/dinner, taking care of their dog, etc, that’s all a nice attempt but you don’t get off the hook that easy. You’ve got that on him/her for as long as you’re friends. 40 years from now you could be like, “Hey Pat, can you help me hide this double homicide I just did? C’mon dude, you owe me, I helped you move that one time four decades ago.” And sure as the sun coming up, Pat would be there helping me dispose of a corpse. If he didn’t that would be terms for breaking off our friendship. Why do you think no one helped OJ Simpson with hiding those dead bodies? That crime scene was a mess. Obviously, he and his friends are too rich to help each other move, they had movers, and thus no one was obligated to help him that fateful night.

Flying on the Airplane

So every stand up comic has a bit about airplanes and the airport, so why shouldn't we? Seinfeld asks us why we don't chew through the seat belt and mocks how they also tell us how to put on a seat belt in case we haven't been in a car since 1965.

George Carlin tells us about the jargon used to get on the plane. "Everybody get ON the plane. Fuck you I'm getting IN the plane. Let Evil Kenevil get ON the plane."

So in typical Pat and John style, here's the list of people you could be sitting next to on the plane.

Before we start on the people though, let's just say there's several main things that go into this moment. When you're sitting in your seat already and you see the row of people coming down the aisle of the plane, the key is not to make eye contact. Never make eye contact with any of the people listed below, because that's a "one way ticket" to getting sat next to and that 5-hour flight to California is now suddenly 10 hours. Also, before we get onto people, a brief list of things in the plane.

Pre-Flight instructions (seat belts: High-Tech Shit)

I don't know about you, but we've flown a lot. But no matter how many times I (John) always look at the Stuarts/stewardess. As crabby and shitty they can be, they're still trained to know what the F to do in a bad situation. Look at the plane that ditched in the Hudson the other day. I don't mind listening to the little "what to do in an emergency" show. What i don't want though (Southwest Airlines, I'm looking at you) is your phony little stand up performance. "In the occurrence we lose cabin pressure, please put your mask on first before assisting others. Then, pick your favorite child and help them first." HA HA. Very nice little one-liner there. I didn't know I was on the plane with Air Marshall Lisa Lamponelli here.

Beverage Service: Here comes the beverage cart asshole

Now there's nothing more key than getting that free drink. Drunk Guy gets the $5 nips, but the rest of us get the soda. My question is, why do they still serve tomato juice? Are enough people getting bloody mary's to warrant keeping cans of tomato drink (drank) on the plane?
Anyway, there's a few things you know are going to happen. Your cup you get, it's got cylindrical ice cubes. I think the airlines have a contract with Circular Ice Co. If you're on an international flight, you're getting one of those bad ass little 8 oz. soda cans. So key. Another thing you're getting is poor timing. Either they come by with the trash 2 minutes after handing your drink out, or they're not coming for 3 hours. Neither situation is good. Chug down your Diet Coke or have an empty cup (you've already eaten all the ice cubes) sitting in the seat-back pocket in front of you which is inconvenient too.

Now onto that F-ing beverage cart. Remember in Braveheart when they're trying to bust down them doors of the castle with that huge contraption? It's like 6 tree logs on wheels. Well that thing had nothing on the beverage cart. If they had a beverage cart back in the day, people wouldn't have even tried locking doors to the castle. They'd see that luggage cart and be like, "ugh just open the door, we don't stand a chance." And that's the stance you should take if you're on the aisle seat. If your elbow is over the armrest even 1/2 and inch, your funny bone's not gonna be laughing very long. Oh and unless you're interested in losing like 1/2 your foot, you best keep that thing in front of you til the coast is clear. The thing is, the flight attendants know this, and they don't care. The cart might as well be a monster truck and you're head, which is leaning in the aisle cause you fell asleep, is the junky car it's going to devour. Beware the Bevie Cart.

Snacks

To cut costs, it seems no airlines pony up for a meal anymore. No sir, the days of those wonderful little tasty meals are over. So now you're getting a "Snack Pack" if you're on Southwest, or a choice of 2 snacks on JetBlue. I don't know what United or American are doing these days, but for $200 more you can feel free to pay their airfare and find out. Anyway, what it boils down to is, you're getting chips and a pack of cookies. The HUGE peanut bag is still customary, but if they're not the honey-roasted peanuts, I don't even want to see them. Cashews are money though. Either way the best thing to do is buy some food in the terminal for 7 beans. And the best part is when you whip out that club sandwich or salad (Or Samauri Sam's Teryaki Chicken if you're ever in Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport Terminal 4) you're going to be the envy of all those sitting around you. It's like you've just brought out the leftover pizza during elementary schooldays.

In-flight entertainment

Now not every one's going to be joining the Mile-High club on their way to their destination, so fact is, you're going to need some shiz to do.
Some airlines do it right. If you're flying int'l with British Airways, they have a bevy of movie channels that have multiple movies on them for free and some top quality sitcom-only channels. Virgin airlines used to have Super Nintendo, don't know they still do now. JetBlue's got 39 channels of live DirecTV. That shit's epic. But if you're flying Southwest, welcome to the desert wasteland of entertainment. Although to be fair, you paid like 40 bucks to fly to Ft. Lauderdale so what were you expecting? So now it's up to you to entertain yourself. When you were little, that Game Boy was huge for this. Now we've stepped into the 21st century. It's all about the Tetris app you downloaded on your iPhone in the WiFi terminal along with the Pineapple Express and 3 podcasts (Savage Love Podcast, Jim Rome Podcast, and What You Should Know Podcast) you DL'd too. Or there's those things, books. HAHAHAHA, yeah, who reads those.

And now...Who you don't want to sit next to:

Chatty Cathy

You sit down in your seat and get ready to get some reading done or catch up on some sleep, but the chick sitting next to you in 24B has a different idea. They didn't bring any means of entertainment, except for you of course. They start off with the usual plane small talk, "i hope we take off on time" "oh your going on vacation how nice" "well I was born on a cold August day in 1945..." you get to a point where you just give up on sleep or reading and hope the plane goes down cause that's the only way this torture is going to end.

Fat Dude

The proverbial fat guy. Southwest Airlines made a big deal several years ago when they said the would begin charging two seats to big dudes and dudets. They did that because no one wants to sit next to this guy. As mean as it sounds, it's true. The fat's peeling over the armrest. If they need to get by you, it's a "huge" hassle. You know they're going to be sweaty too. In a way fat guy shares similar traits to B.O. Guy only worse, cause he's fat. Fat Guy is even more awkward because you know they know they're fat and it's uncomfortable for them too. Awful.

Sleeps on your shoulder guy

He's had a long week of work and he's gonna catch up on some sleep on the way to his meeting, unfortunately for you sitting in the aisle, he's got the middle seat, the no mans land of flying. If you have the window seat you might as well have a bed because that wall is perfect for sleeping on, and if you have the aisle seat you don't have any support but hey at least you can stretch your legs, but this middle seat guy is tired and that head is bobbin back and forth like the ball in Atari's pong, that is until it reaches its final destination; your shoulder. He subconsciously lands there and finds great comfort in it, creeped out not knowing what to do you shrug your shoulder, slow at first, until the first 50 don't work then your looking like your in seizure with the full body shrugs your giving off, of course you could always wake him up and say, um, excuse me, but that'd just be awkward.

Seat reclines into you guy

You're sitting in your seat minding your own business when all of a sudden your knees just got the hammer dropped on them and you have some dude's bald spot in your grill. So of course you kick his seat a little bit and when that doesn't do anything you have to join him in his skulduggery and lean your seat back into the person behind you, this causes a domino-like chain reaction. Every one's now on the lap of the person sitting behind them, sucks for the guy in 35 E, he's got the wall behind him and that seat is going no where.

Plane is a bar guy

he's getting his vacation started early, it may be 8am on a Wednesday but its 5:00 somewhere and that's where he's headed. He starts off with a bloody mary for 15 bucks and moves right into a honey I shrunk the handle sized vodka then tells the "broski" to throw him a few Heinekens for good measure. It's all about those nips and before you know it, he's been drunk and hungover on the same long ass flight.

Diarrhea guy

- This guy made the horrible error of getting the 2-day old Sbarro cheese pizza in the terminal, and now he's paying for it in the worst way. This guy's gotta go, early and often, and of course he's got the window seat in your row. He's climbing over you like your a hurdle and he's going for the gold, or the porcelain at least. Despite your best efforts, you can't get out of this guys way fast enough. At least there is a lot of space between seats so its easy for him to get by you, OH wait. So you pack up your tray table, laptop, book, bag of peanuts, and drink, stand up and let him walk by only to have to do it again when he comes back in 2 min, rinse and repeat.

Bin Hog

This guy decides to save some time and hassle by throwing his full-sized suitcase in the overhead bin. The thing that no one else knows in row 19 is that it's his bin and we're just livin' in it. With complete disregard for everyone else's little carry-on bags, he pops this bin's cherry by slamming the giant suitcase in there and he's forcing that thing in there like this was some sick luggage porn. After shoving that thing in there, Bin Hog guy tries to close the bin which obviously wont close over his gargantuan monstrosity. This guy, who's never been determined to do anything in his life will not let this go. He could just think, "oh I should probably check this, it's not working." Nope! Instead he gives it the old college try and slams the thing a little harder as if the overhead bin was asking for it: A little harder Bin Hog, A little Harder! That's when you, the witness to this whole fiasco, hears the glass souvenir beer mug you bought, break. Ironic of course because you carried that ish on the plane so you could keep an eye on it. Hopefully your friend likes his new shot glass and 10 shards of glass. Whomp. The thing is, statistically, you're going to get your bag 98% of the time, so why not travel light instead of lugging that thing all over the fuck terminal? It's just not worth saving 5 minutes.

B.O. guy

Who let that onto the plane? This guy makes the taxi driver on the way to the airport smell like fucking roses. Either this guy hasn't showered in 4 days and he's just coming back from 3 forgettable nights from the office company party weekend at the Las Vegas Hyatt, or he's French. Whatever his story is, you're stuck with one fact: This guy fucking wreaks. This guy smells so bad that even the pilot is like, "Damn, what the shit is that smell?" I mean, things could be worse. At least you aren't stuck in a tin box with the same re-cycled air for the next 6 hours, oh wait, that's exactly where you are. By the time you get off the plane even your aunt who you haven't seen in 8 years doesn't wanna get close to you. She's thinking that you've graduated college and now work in the municipal landfill.

The Plane is My Office Guy

He's got some work to do and he's in a suit, so in his mind that makes him clearly more important than you. Oh, that armrest you thought was for the two of you, it's part of his desk now. In fact he's starting to put up pictures of his family on the seat back in front of him and he's putting up his Dilbert calendar, too. With the ambiance now set for working, out comes the computer, the notebook, the folders, the books...he's got business stuff, stuff we'd never know about, to take care of for the next few hours and you're going to pay the price for it. Hopefully you brought your headphones because for the next few hours it's going to sound like the intro to "Murder She Wrote," up in here. I mean, that is unless you like flying to the soundtrack of slamming keys.

Barf Guy

I've never run into barf guy but he's gotta exist, i mean they put those barf bags on the plane for a reason. My biggest fear with this potential barf guy is that he wont get to that bag in time, and even if he does, that's a small target to hit, and not much of an area to fill up if he really goes at it. The last thing you need on your 6-hour flight across country is some over flow spewing on your pants, gross. As someone who is seriously phobic of barfing (John) I have nothing to add to this.

Nervous Nellie

This .guy/lady hates flying. This person is John's mom. If it were up to her she'd be with John Madden on his cruiser bus driving across country. Unfortunately, her boss needs her to be in San Antonio tomorrow for a big presentation so she's on her way, and what's worse for you, she's not taken Dramamine or anything to make her drowsy. White knuckles and veins piercing out of the neck as the plane speeds down the runway are all you can see. As a human being you feel like you need to help her out so you try to calm her down by telling her it'll be fine, you've flown a million times and something is more likely to happen to you on the drive to the airport then when your on the plane. But at the mention of the word crash or accident in your explanation of the safety of an airplane, she shits her pants. Once the plane is up in the air, the tension subsides, a little. But we're still on defcon 5 alert stage here. The first sign of turbulence and she's right back to sweatin' this thing. The worst part is, you, who's not scared of flying, is now suddenly picked up on the panic, and you are also way more jumpy than you'd ever care to be. Oh and if the fasten seat belt sign comes on once again at cruising altitude, it's Armageddon. You want to help, but at some point it's not worth your own sanity and you just gotta throw on your headphones and chill the F out.

Kids/Babies

You never want to be on a plane with kids. Ever. The worst part is, they triple your chance of annoyance. If they're in your row, they're not shutting up. If they're in front of you, your seat back in front of you will be shaking like it's a freaking earthquake. If they're sitting behind you, forget it. Those feet will be pounding and kicking your seat all, flight, long. There's no winning with kids, sorry.

Sick Guy

There's always sick people on the plane, that's just how laws of percentages work. If 200 peeps by on the plane, at least 1/4 of them are sick probably. What you're hoping for is that you don't have to sit next to one of these people. How bad is that feeling when you sit down and dude's got like 3 travel packs of tissues out because he expects he will be using all of it. The sneezing, the coughing, the gross noises: it all adds up to you being sick in like a week.


Happy Traveling from Pat and John!