The Bathroom: Nature's Classroom

The Following entry is a combined effort about the bathroom. It's John on the John and Pat on Porcelain.

Ah yes, the bathroom. Is there a better spot to think? Answer, no. First off there’s the shower. How long is your average shower? About 10 minutes? 20 minutes even? How much of that time do you spend actually scrubbing and rinsing, scrubbing and rinsing? Not that much, meaning the other 75 percent of the time you’re doing something else. Now there’s only so much time you can spend ma’bating in the shower—that includes you ladies. The majority of the time in the shower, you’re thinking and most of what you think of is either logical or brilliant. I would guess that 40 percent of this blog and everything else smart I’ve ever written/thought of was thought of in the shower.

How key is the shower? Think about this. The reason homeless people are in the position they are in is because they do not spend enough time in the shower… thinking of how to get out of their predicament. And you thought it was because they were crazy ‘Nam veterans?

So if homeless people can pull themselves out of poverty by showering more, imagine if you spent all your time in the shower. You would figure out how to solve world hunger, get peace in the Middle East, and devise a way not to get pruned hands from spending all your time in the shower. That’s why your body makes you get pruned hands by the way. It's a defense mechanism to allow your brain to rest.

So, if 40 percent of your brilliant ideas come from the shower, than where do the other 60 percent come from? Well, at least 30 percent of your other great prophecies also come from the bathroom, only it comes from the shower’s midget cousin, the toilet.

The toilet plays a bigger role in your life than you may believe. Other than simply a receptacle to drop a deuce in, your mental sharpness owes a lot of thanks to sitting on the can. At home it is where you think and ponder, just as the shower. At work however, it becomes a safe haven, a place for you to escape from your cubical or desk. However, when using the can at your office you must take into account hundreds of other circumstances that may make your trip to the bathroom successful or a “shitty” time.

• Be Mindful of the Crack in the Stall Door: You walk into the bathroom seeking a stall. You may have a favorite stall if this is a bathroom you frequent or you might be in uncharted territory and looking for a little room to lay your squatters rights on. What’s the problem then? Unless you see the stall with the loose hinge on the door that doesn’t stay closed, all the stalls look occupied and you can’t tell if someone is in them or not. You have 2 choices, bend your head down to the ground and see if there are shoes covered in someone’s unfurled pants in that 6 inch gap between the floor and the stall door, or walk by the stalls casually looking into the ½ inch crack between the stall door and the hinge. This can create a very awkward situation. If there is no one in the stall, and you see daylight, you have luckily avoided any awkwardness. On the other hand, you just might see someone in there, pinching one out, thus negating the point of the stall door in general, but if you thought that is bad, it can be much worse: you make eye contact. If you look through that slit and see eye-to-eye with the poop-etrator, you and that person will never ever look at each other the same again.

• Seeing the guy’s shoes: The great Forest Gump once said, “You can tell a lot about a person from their shoes.” If you’re on the can and someone is in the next stall, the only thing you need to know about the person from the shoes is who they are, and by need to know, I mean don’t want to find out. You see that pair of blue penny loafers that Bob from accounting always wears around the office and every time you see him your going to think of that rank smell he’s producing right now or the machine gun sounding head that he’s dropping into the john. Relationship = affected.

• Awkward urinal conversations: You’re at the urinal (ladies you can totally identify) and someone parks in the spot right next to you. If you’re at work this is most likely a co worker that you’d give the 'courtesy head nod' to, or the “how’s it goin?” It’s the same ‘how’s it going’ you give in the hallway that you only give because he/she is a co-worker. In general you would ignore them in any other walk of life, but because they work in the same building as you, you give the courtesy. In reality though, they’re no different to you than the hundreds of people you walk by on the street every day without any acknowledgment of. So there’s the co-worker and he is pissing next to you so he starts up the “how’s it going big guy?” First off if he says big guy and you’re at the urinal, your response should be a grossed out “thanks” but that’s besides the point, the urinal conversation is awkward at best. There are so many factors: where do you look in response, at him or at the wall? Do you have to keep the conversation going? Why can’t I piss when I’m talking to someone? Is this piss ever going to end? Why does it burn when I piss? Do I wait for him to finish so we can walk to the sink together and carry on with our small talk? In any case, with the urinal conversation, it’s going to be awkward, but make sure of one thing, don’t shake hands when it’s over.

To Be Continued...