At The Ballgame

Tell me you go to a baseball game and you actually watch the game. If you are sitting there right now saying, ‘yeah I actually do that,’ than you my friend are a liar. Sure, you go to the baseball game to see your favorite teams and players perform, or maybe you go to the game to see the stadium, whatever. But after the first pitch and excluding a few big moments during the course of the game, you are there to do one thing and one thing only: people-watch.

Baseball offers this opportunity better than any other sport. Basketball has constant movement, and so does ice hockey for that matter. But since ice hockey doesn’t matter to anyone, we’ll just say that basketball has too much movement and leave it at that. Anyway, Football is no good for people watching. You’d think that with all the time the players are huddling, this would be a grand time to really get some P-watching in, but the trouble with football is that there are so few football games, 8 home games, and the tickets are so pricey that you really want to maximize your football viewing dollar and experience. The atmosphere is also too aggressive at a football game. Referees make you want to punch someone, you’re constantly coaching from the stands, and the drunk dude who has passed out on your shoulder sitting next to you has you in the odd place of feeling like an asshole if you wake him up, but angry because you can’t just be an asshole. After all, by the fourth quarter, you and the drunken prick on your shoulder have been through a lot together. His inevitably shirtless self has perspired sweat all up on your arms, and you now share a bond: herpes.

So football is no good, and if you think there are other sports you should bother paying to go see, then you my friend are:

1. A Nascar hick
2. A golf snob
3. Lame for having paid to go see tennis in person

Thus, we are left with baseball as the only true people-watching sports venue. When people-watching, there are some things and people you always see.

· People that look like celebrities: There’s always a guy that looks like someone famous. And if you’re us, all they need to have is one barely similar feature to a celeb to get a joke tagged to him. Fat dude with curly hair? That’s the guy from Lost. Old guy with a trimmed white beard and glasses? Wolf Blitzer. Guy wearing overalls? Super Mario. Really old lady wearing Red Sox gear? That’s Ted Williams’ mom. Also, throwing in some sort of joke with that dude is extremely important. Is there a cop at the stadium with a buzz cut and aviators? You know he’s looking for John Connor.

· The douche bag trying to start the wave himself- He comes to the game as a normal fan, but after dropping $180 for 6 beers, he’s in the tank and he’s got one thing on his mind, the wave. First off, the wave in itself is not a bad idea, it looks cool when it’s going around the stadium and you can just be lazy about it and throw up an arm. The problem with the wave is that it’s always at the worst time of the game. If your team is up by 8 runs in the 4th inning then hey make like a hurricane and get the waves flowin, but in the bottom of the 8th in a 3-2 game with the bases loaded and 2 outs, sit down and watch, these are the only times that your at a baseball game that you actually take a break from people watching to watch anyways, so lay off the wave.

Back to “wave guy” he runs to the bottom of his section and starts screaming and waving his arms, like he’s doing some sort of rain dance to get everyone out of their seats, a few other drunks join in and all the sudden he thinks he’s got something going, that is until those 8 people sit down and the section next door does nothing, so wave guy figures he cant just stand there, he’s gotta run down the aisle waving his arms to get everyone going. What sucks is, eventually this tool will get the wave going because people will feel bad for him if they don’t. “Look at that dude, he’s trying to start the wave. Alright I’ll give him a pity arm lift.” Pretty soon 8 people become 20 which become a row and eventually a section of pity wavers. The section to the left simply thinks that the people in section 128 are doing the wave, so now they join in. Now drunk wave guy, who has lost his shirt because he’s holding it in his hand as some sort of rallying instrument, thinks he’s the shit.

People inappropriately dressed for a ball game

· No suits- I understand that you are coming straight from work to go to the game, but come on, is it so much to ask to throw a t shirt into your briefcase or your car in the morning, you don’t even need to change out of your work shirt, just throw a T over it, show a little effort, that’s all we can ask. This is a baseball stadium, not your board room at 10am, loosen up a little, in the words of David Putty “you gotta support the team”

· No sideways hats – Under the age of 30? You can wear your hat backwards. But other than that, there should be no other way to dawn your cap. First off, it’s not even comfortable. You ever try putting a fitted hat on sideways? It’s like saying, “hey I want to put tons of pressure on the temples of my head.” Putting your hat on different ways says a lot about you. Resting your hat on your head facing toward the front with the bill in the air says:

1. My hat is too tight, but I have to wear it ‘cause I’m supporting my team
2. I yearn for the days of my youth
3. I was taught how to wear my hats from Fred McGriff in the Tom Emansky baseball drills video.

Wearing your hat fully on your head facing forward says:

1. I’m just a normal cat. Don’t worry about me.
2. I’m here to support the team on my head
3. I’m bald and hiding it

Wearing you hat backwards means:

1. This hat doesn’t look good if it’s forward
2. I’m still young enough to wear my hat backwards.
3. I want to be more aerodynamic
4. This hat+my bushy goatee indicate I’m a rapist.

Wearing your hat sideways means:

1. I’m a douche
2. I’m a Chauncey
3. I’m probably both.

· The guy with the expired player tee- I realize that you thought John Jaha was going to be the second coming of Babe Ruth when he hit a home run at the first game you saw him play and you instantly ran into the pro shop and bought a T shirt with his name on the back, or even worse bought a full out jersey, but can’t you admit to your mistake and throw down another $20 for a player that’s at least still on the team. Going to a game with an expired player T is still better than going in a suit, and yes teams do have a lot of turnover each season in this day and age but you know that guy is just pissed that he dropped 20 bucks on the T shirt or 70 on the jersey and too bitter about it to put the Shea Hillenbrand jersey away.

· The loud guy: Every stadium’s got about 100 at that day’s game. A good heckler can completely entertain you for the afternoon and can be worth the price of admission himself. A bad one can make a game totally irritating. What is worse than being out in the bleacher and hearing a guy argue balls and strikes. Heckle Manny Ramirez for looking like the Predator. That’s something we all can enjoy. But calling balls and strikes from over 500 feet away? Shut up.

· Generic statement to the players guy- Yes we know you want Manny to hit it here, but you yelling that to him isn’t going to do anything. The pitcher is trying to throw those strikes, you coaching him from the right field box isn’t going to do anything. And no Terry Francona wasn’t waiting on you to tell him to pull the pitcher before he did it, so stop annoying the people around you and keep it to yourself.