Dining Out

Who doesn't love eating out? Maybe we should rephrase that. Who doesn't love going out to eat? It's (normally) good food, it's fun, you don't have to cook, and most importantly you don't have to clean. You feel like a king when you're there, too. You're being served food, and how key is that? Well that whole king business goes out the window they bring that check over. Anyway, without getting ahead of ourselves, there are several things that effect the dining out experience, and that of course is the people you go with. Each person has their own unique things they do at a restaurant. There are definitely no two alike people when it comes to going out to a restaurant, and the following is a list of the different guys or persons you may be going with or may in fact be yourself:

Dessert Guy: Ahhh, what a satisfying meal you've just had. Now it's time for the bill and everyone at the table is ready to go, except for Dessert Guy. Dessert Guy 'needs something sweet' to finish the meal. This is exactly how this conversation goes.

Waitress: "How was everything?"
Collectively: "Good"
W: "Can I get you anything else?"
You: "No can we just get the…"
Dessert Guy: "Actually can I get a slice of the Key Lime Pie?"
Everyone else: (what they're thinking) Seriously? Really? But, Why?

How un-key is that? Could there be anything more annoying than getting ready to leave and then suddenly being halted? It's like dining blue balls.

Never Has Cash Guy: When you're eating with another couple or a group of people this guy is bound to rear his ugly head. He never has cash on him, ever, which is fine when he's buying stuff for himself. His thought is, cash is old fashioned, who needs cash when you have a debit card and 3 credit cards? Well in some cases the ol' greenbacks still come in handy. If you're just out with him, or it's a double date then its not a big deal, one person can give the other cash or you can split the bill on the respective credit cards. But if your out with a group, there are bound to be 2 or 3 of these guys, and you cant split a credit card 6 ways, or at least you don't want to be the guy to ask, so the cash holders end up covering the credit card guys who hit them with the, "don't worry I'll get you later," line. You know that's never the case and even if they do get you back, they only get you back for 80% of the sum. Do they owe you 25 bucks? You know what you're getting back? $20, and then they're having you call it even. So until you can swipe a credit card between your ass cheeks and have it withdrawal money, you know never has cash guy is always getting the best of you.

Expensive taste guy: Everyone price watches when they go out to eat. It effects what you're going to eat especially when you're out with others. But prices mean nothing to expensive taste guy. He's going to get whatever the hell he feels like having. There might as well not be any prices on the menu because if he wants that Steak with the Au Gratin potatoes while everyone else is settling for the 7.99 sandwich, he damn well is going to get it. The best part about expensive taste guy is that he doesn't even care about others when it comes to the check either. This is evident in the case that there are four people and ETG wants to split the bill four ways. No, dude. I'm not paying extra money for your $18 dish. That's why I got the 7.99 sandwich with fries, I wanted a cheap deal. Expensive Taste Guy, awful. There's nothing wrong with getting what you want, you just need to pay for it.

Salad Guy: Salad is definitely a healthy alternative to some of the fatty foods at restaurants. But salad was designed for lunch or as an accompaniment to dinner, because everyone knows that those healthy foods completely void that cheeseburger. But, salad guy ignores the dinner rules and he goes for the Cobb Salad at dinner. Sure, salad has elements of dinner food: meat, cheese, and a multitude of other things, but it's salad, and salad don't belong at the dinner table as the sole meal. If salad guy is a girl then its fine, but is their anything more emasculating then hearing a guy say, "I'll just have a salad"?

Picky/Substitution Guy: Alright so you are on a date and you don't want stank breath the rest of the night so you may need to tell them to hold the onions, but this guy takes it to a whole new level.

PSG: "I'll have the Turkey club please, but could you hold the lettuce, tomatoes and bacon please?"
Waitress: "Ok so a Turkey club minus a BLT?"
PSG: "Actually can you hold the mayo too?"
Waitress: "No Problem" (She's thinking, want me to hold the turkey and bread as well? Then I'll be holing a TURKEY CLUB and you'll be holding an empty plate)

We realize the menu isn't specifically catered to your exact tastes so if you need to sub ranch for blue cheese with your wings or tell them to hold the tomatoes, cause you don't like tomatoes, that's fine. If you need to substitute everything on your sandwich except for the bread, and then you decide to change that to wheat, just order something else.

Condiment/Sauce Guy: Who doesn't love sauce? A good sauce can make even the worst of foods taste at least decent. But sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. Ever sit with someone who keeps pouring that sauce on there? It's a little off-putting. It's like, hey, dude, you want some more ketchup with your ketchup? We know the sauce is free, but it doesn't mean you have to take all of it.

Waitress Conversation Guy: This guy is just annoying, not only because he is talking to the waitress too much, but because he thinks he's the funniest guy EVER. Everyone has one of these guys in their family, it's usually the dad. The waitress comes over after you finish eating to ask how everything was, and he goes "Awful, we want a refund" which the waitress follows up with a polite laugh. Good One Guy! I bet she's neverrrrr heard that one before. He's also the guy who comes up with the amazing one-liner to the host after being asked "party of two?" He responds, "actually, no, party of 10." Verrrrry funny Robin Williams. Even the host knows you don't have 10 friends.

Big Tipping Guy: The problem with big tip guy is that he ALWAYS gives too much. He's either generous or he used to be a waiter and realizes that the $2.30 you make an hour doesn't get you anywhere without some good tips coming in. But, little does he know that in THIS country it's customary to tip 15% for average or decent service. Did you know in other countries they don't get tips at all and that's the custom there, so when in Rome… Also the waiter doesn't get taxed on tips, if you ask 15% tip guy, that's a sweet deal. If for whatever reason the waiter did something amazing or out of the ordinary that added to the service, then okay, 20%. Or, if the waiter is your friend or is someone you know, give 25%. But for big tip guy 20% is where it starts. This is just wrong. Sometimes all the waiter does is take your order while some other fool brings your food. And for that I give 20%? No, no, no, my friend, that's where you are mistaken.

Small Tipping Guy: This is the guy who thinks 15% is not the low end on the tipping scale; it's THE tip, and a generous one at that. The waitress could be running around like crazy, but still giving superb service and even pitching in with a fake laugh to their clever comments and this guy is still pulling out that tip calculator at the end of the meal and typing in 15%. Sure the waitress relies on these tips for her income, but it's not this guy's fault that she only makes $2.30 an hour. This guy is the worst when you're splitting a bill with him. You happened to find the waitress delightful and efficient, you want to leave her 25%, which is a little higher than your normal 20% but she worked for it. So he asks how much should we leave and you tell him and he's pissed, you kidding me? Really? You musta had a good month at work. Good service should be rewarded, stop being so cheap and give the few extra bucks.

Brand Loyalist Guy: Waitress: And can I get you anything to drink?

BLG: "I'll have a diet coke, with lemon, thanks"
Waitress: "Sorry sir, we have Pepsi products, is Diet Pepsi alright?"
BLG: "UGHHHHHHH I'll just take a WATER"

Is there reaaaaaally that big of a difference? If the waitress brought out the Diet Pepsi instead of the Diet Coke without telling you, you wouldn't even notice. They're both colas, they're brown, fizzy and sweet. I know you're a Coke Guy and you ONLY drink COKE but your out to eat, enjoy it, go crazy, try some Pepsi, or even get real wild and sip on some Sierra Mist. If they don't have your Heinz ketchup are you going to eat your burger without anything on it? I didn't think so.

Doesn't like his seat Guy: This guy is normally a parent and here's the situation: The host is walking you to your seat when suddenly the table and four chairs presented is deemed undesirable. "Doesn't Like His Seat Guy" interjects the host as they're putting your menus down on the table with, "excuse me, but is there something available in a booth," or "Is there a seat that's not so close to the A/C vent?" The response the host gives is something nice sounding like, "oh, yeah sure no problem, let me see." What the host is really saying is, "you know who's getting their food spat in?"






Eats too fast guy: So you're sitting there with what you thought was your friend, when suddenly you realize you're at lunch/dinner with Hot Dog Eating Champion, Kobayashi. Before you've taken your 10th bite, Joey Chestnut on the other side of you has finished his entire meal and is washing it down with a Diet Coke. Now you're left with the uncomfortable feeling of having to finish off your meal in a hurry because "Eats too fast guy" is sitting there waiting. Pacing yourself was something this guy never learned and now you're paying the price by not talking and eating faster than your usual pace. Whomp Whomp.

Annoying Eater Guy:

You're out to eat with your friend, or your girlfriend, a person whom you genuinely like, that is until they get that food in front of them and turn into a complete stranger. Annoying eaters come in many shapes and sizes, they may chew with their mouth open, eat their French fries with a fork, dip their burger in their apple sauce, make a smacking noise when they chew, slurp their soup loudly, suck at the bottom of their drink with the straw like their trying to drink up the glass at the bottom of the cup, or any of these other eating habits that we've mentioned today. You may even find it annoying if they cut their food with their hand gripped completely around the fork like a caveman.

Finally, they say you don't really know someone until you've lived with them, that's probably true, but you don't know someone at all until you've gone out to eat with them.