It's the Little Things...that piss us off.

Just as is the case in life that little things can make us happy, little things can make us irritable, too. The following list comprises a small sample of those things we all suffer through on the day-to-day grind.

Technology Failures:

• Internet crashes: There's never a good time to be left without the Internet. But for some reason the World Wide Web knows when you're actually trying to get something accomplished. Sure, the Internet was going great when you were checking Facebook and that hilarious video of that hamster on YouTube, but now that you actually need to get something important done, like say, emailing your boss. It is at this very moment that the Internet shits the bed. This is inevitably the internet's way of saying, "Hey dillweed, maybe you should have been doing this first instead of putting it off."

• Paper jam: The same rules apply for the paper jam as do for the Internet. It only stops working when you're printing out your resume for the interview in 30 minutes. However, last night it was perfect when you printed a 16-page poster of your fantasy team logo, or the other day when you printed a self-portrait exquisitely created in Microsoft Paint.

"Losing" your keys: We all have 'lost' our keys about a billion times. Although, you know you haven't really lost them, but rather you've simply misplaced them somewhere. So, you begin frantically searching your place, and if there's someone else around, you're about to be greeted with a, "What are you looking for?" This is of course followed by, "My keys," which is followed by the other person saying, "Well, where was the last place you saw them?" What an annoying question, right? Annoying because now you're retracing your steps like an idiot. "Well, first I entered the door, then I took a dump, then I checked the fridge, then etc, etc." This isn't going to help because even if you retrace every step you're still going to fall into the classic “key-finding mode.”

Just like a dog trying to find a tennis ball you didn't actually throw, you're going to be looking everywhere and wind up looking dumb in the process. This is because you're always looking in the dumbest places. Chances are, they're probably not in the fridge, but you check that anyway. Chances are they're not in the medicine cabinet, but you're bound to look there, too. That's because when people search for their keys, anything with a door or a compartment is fair game. You open every drawer in the house looking for these damn things. And even though you haven't been in the attic in three years, you take a gander there also. In fact the only good thing about looking for your keys is that you're bound to find something else you were looking for 2 months ago. Eventually, the only thing this key searching yields is the finding of four things you weren’t looking for and of course, no keys. The kicker in this whole deal after you give up and grab your spare set only to discover that your “lost” keys were in your car all along.


Candy Bar Gets Stuck: Getting a 2-for-1 candy bar deal is amazing. But getting a 0-for-1 deal is absolutely infuriating. The little coils turn and turn but then hanging there like Sly Stallone in Cliffhanger are your Cool Ranch Doritos. Awful. Now you've got three options:

1. Buy another pack of Cool Ranch Doritos
2. Leave feeling rejected and ashamed
3. Violently shake that damn machine until it give you what you paid for.

Without fail, you know you're trying option 3. Despite the fact that hundreds of people are killed by toppled vending machines each year, you're determined to make sure those three quarters were not wasted. The process of shaking the vending machine always follows the same order. First you kick it. When that doesn't work, shove it. When that doesn't work you go to DEFCON 3: Operation Hulk. Just like a hungry version of the Hulk, no vending machine wants to see you when you're angry. You are wrapping your arms around that machine as if you haven't seen it in years and this machine is your lover. Except, there's no love in this exchange. It's straight rage as you violently try to do your best Superman impression and lift this thing back to Krypton. However, "despite all your rage, you're still just a rat in a cage." A rat without chips that is. On the plus side though, you've probably burned the calories you would have consumed with those chips. Unless you’re going option 1 at this point, you’re stuck at option 2, and don’t nobody like number 2.


Assholes at the Movies: As if paying $10.50 for any movie wasn't enough, but now you've got to contend with the mess of 8th grade punks thinking they're hot shit talking all the way through your movie. Look, I know Forgetting Sarah Marshall is not exactly a movie that is essential for silence, but have some courtesy huh? Oh, and babies in the movie? Awful. Of course the baby and the parents are at a movie in which there should in no way be a baby at, for example Gladiator. Other than the negligent parenthood of showing a 3-year old Russell Crowe stabbing people, who brings a baby to the movie anyway? Honestly. When you had that baby you signed a 3-year unwritten contract that explicitly says: For the next 3 years you will have no social life. Sorry to break the news.

DVD Skipping: So your last movie was ruined by loud patrons and crying babies. This time you’re taking this into your own hands and you’re going to settle down with that Netflix movie you got three weeks ago. Finally you’ll chew through Michael Clayton so that way you can return it for whatever’s next on your queue. Well after watching two hours of exposition, Clayton is finally starting to get somewhere, when suddenly at the film’s peak … … How frustrating right? Say what you will about VHS, but that shiz never skipped at least. What follows is the guide for how to un-scratch a DVD. Eject it. Breath on the disc. Wipe it with your sleeve. Go to the chapter guide and pick up where you left off (of course you’ve just seen brief glimpses of the next 3 chapters that follow). Rinse and repeat my friend.

The Slow Line at the Grocery Store: The grocery store is frustrating enough. Fighting through the aisles, getting through the displays, avoiding wasteful spending on stupid things you don’t need. But now comes the finality of all you’ve worked for, picking the right cashier line. No matter what you never pick the right one. A lot goes into consideration when taking your pick too. How much stuff do the people in front of you have, how fast does the cashier look, etc. But all that goes out the window when someone whips out that checkbook. That might as well be an airport security inspection. Regardless, it’s impossible to pick the right lane and you’re staying for 10 minutes longer.

Waking up with pimple on face: Is there anything worse than waking up with a pimple or an emerging pimple on your face? Sure there are, but it’s pretty awful. What an awful surprise that is. Waking up sucks. But waking up and you can feel that pimple sitting there? Horrible.

Paper Cuts: How can something so little hurt so big? Paper cuts are awful. You slide your hand across the desk to grab a piece of paper and all the sudden you're in a world of hurt. It stings, you suck on it and it burns, nothing you do helps. The worse thing about a paper cut is you can barely even see it, but you sure can feel it, and you feel it all day long. Every time you reach in your pocket, every time you extend your finger, you’re feeling it.


Bird crap you cant get off of windshield: there is a phrase: “the world is your oyster.” It means you have the freedom to do whatever you want. Well, to birds, the world is their toilet, and they have the freedom to GO wherever they want. With utter disregard to us ground folk, our air fairing "friends" just shoot down little bombs whenever they feel like it, leaving it to land on the ground, your head, or your car windshield, amongst other places. When you get out to your car and find some of these little presents awaiting you, you try to get them off with the windshield wipers and some washer fluid. That usually works unless you get a real caked on crap. No matter how much work you put into this one its not coming off. Even a little oxyclean ain’t getting that off. The worst part about this semi permanent spot is that it is all you look at while you’re driving. You can’t take your eyes off it. It’s there and you want it gone. Your tools are failing you and there is nothing you can do but continue to stare at it and hope you intimidate it off of the windshield.

Annoying song stuck in your head: You hear songs everywhere, everyday. You drive and listen to the radio, you walk and hear people humming, you watch TV, your phone rings, etc. Music is going in and out of our heads all day, that is until one song gets stuck. Certain songs just do that, it might be because they're catchy, or you love that song, or the annoying dude in the cubicle behind you has been singing it all day, however when it gets stuck in there, it’s virtually impossible to get out. Like a rough spell of diarrhea, you gotta just let it run its course and take care of itself before you can move on. The worst part about a song being stuck in your head is as soon as you finally forget about it, someone is going to come by singing it again.

Machine wont take wrinkly dollar bill: When you go to buy a soda or a candy bar from a vending machine you slide your dollar in there and wait for it to process. Sometimes your dollar shoots back to you, so you look at the diagram and make sure George is lined up right and try it again but it comes back again. So you use the side of the machine like an ironing board and flatten it out, slide it back in waiting to hear the clicking noise of the dollar getting accepted then bam its back out again. You can’t get the crinkles out, that bill is not getting accepted. The most frustrating thing about this is you have the money for what you want, but it wont let you buy it. If this were a personal transaction between customer and clerk you'd be eating your Snickers bar, but your dollar bill isn't good enough for this machine, and you’re not good enough for its Snickers.

Sunburn on the top of your feet: Sunburns in general suck, they burn, they sting, someone slaps it and it burns and stings but the sunburn on the top of your feet is the all time worst. Any type of clothing touching a sunburn is a painful experience, but when the sunburn is on your feet and you have to wear shoes and socks on it all day, rubbing back and forth every step you take, it brings the sun sting to a whole new level.

Burning your tongue: Is the hot chocolate cool enough to drink? Well there's only one way to find out…ahhhhhhhh that 2 centimeter square of taste buds won't be working for the next few days. The only way to avoid this really is to use your finger to gage the hotness, but then you look like a weird-o to whoever your with, so just wait for one of them to do the inevitable and burn their tongue first, wait a few minutes and give it a go yourself. You could blow on the drink, but that’s splattering all over the place. Or you could go inward cooling, that is, breathing in as you drink. But that’s no good either. Basically the best thing to do is use the digit, or simply wait until the next day when the hot chocolate reaches a tolerable temp.

Being behind the slow driver on a one lane road: Not that we are for driving really fast, but there is a comfortable pace, about 10-15 mph over the speed limit that is good to cruise in. You don't want to have everyone on your ass because you are going slow, but you don't want to be the asshole bobbing and weaving between cars like Barry Sanders in his prime. No one wants to be that “hero.”

Anyway, the highway is a place for everyone, to each their own lane. When someone wrongly crosses over to a lane that is out of their league they'll realize it soon enough when everyone starts passing them on the right. While there are options on the highway, the one lane road on the other hand is road rage waiting to happen. If you are on a one-lane road long enough you are inevitably going to be stuck behind someone out for a stroll in the park. This car is going the speed limit, or even 5 mph over but you want to go a little faster. It’s like trying to run on a treadmill that only has 1 speed, the slow walk. Whether you want to or not you’re going to be riding this car’s ass like an 8th grader at a school dance. You’re Zoro, and this shit-tard in the Oldsmobile is the horse. All you can do is cuss this car out in your head or to your co pilot, "you believe this asshole?" and hope that this car turns off soon, because your only other choice is the one lane road pass, a risky maneuver and let’s face it, that maneuver automatically says to everyone on the road, “hey, look, I’m an asshole.”