FASHION is FIERCE

Several weeks ago, we blogged about sports and therefore alienated our female, gay, metro, and fashion-inclined demographic. Well this week we thought we'd bring down the testosterone with a little blog about fashion. But since fashion is visual (sorry blind peeps, we exclude you from the demo again--next week's topic, braille and how the hell blind people can find those bumps on signs in the first place) we thought we'd take a gander at some of the (un)fashionable, predominantly female trends and items you may see at your local mall. In this case, the mall was the Cambridge Galleria.

Now let us explain a few things. We obviously don't know anything about fashion, but it is our belief that heads of several fashion companies get together in a form of collusion and simply come to a consensus about what's going to be the hot ticket this year. They will run through the eras and just start naming shit.
"Pirate shit!" says one man.
"Flannel," says another.
"Indian stuff," says yet another.

Then, when one thing is decided upon, the head of this clan meeting says, "okay, now make it so."

First the expensive companies get the new thing in. What's big in the upscale shops this winter/spring? From what we can tell, ruffles/pirate gear and stuff Pocahontas would wear. Then, after the really fashionable people wear this stuff for a year, it filters down to the bottom feeders who shop at Old Navy, Kohl's, and even later to Wal-Mart and Sears. By the time Sears gets these clothes, high-end stores would have moved onto something new, perhaps feathers or iron-armored suits. This is seemingly how the fashion industry works.

Now, onto the show.

What is this? Really. First off it's completely see-through, though us males wouldn't complain about that. The point is, what's up with the ruffles everywhere? You know this is the kind of thing you women will buy, then one week later it will be not stylish anymore.

So in this scene, we see Pat next to a dress where the fashion designer obviously said, "hey, why don't we just flatten out a disco ball?"

"Lance, you've done it again!"

I just can never see a time or a place where someone would wear this. You certainly wouldn't want to wear it at a club. What guy's going to dance with a porcupine? No guy, that's who.









These boots are flat out everywhere. It all started with the tasteless UGG boots. Now things are getting out of hand. Fashion people must have been looking at Zelda or old pictures of vikings or something like that.









UGGGGHHH. If you're going to wear whatever the hell these are, you might as well just get a tattoo on your leg instead. I look at this and I think, Wow, that person just doesn't have any sense in style. And you know these boots cost over 200 beans. Unbelievable. These boots are definitely not made for walkin'.

Yeah, I mean, whatever happened to just a brown/black belt. Some guru, and I use that term lightly, thought of a way to ruin belt buckles. I mean there's that Jeff Foxworthy joke that says: You know you're a redneck if, when asked to show your ID, you show your belt buckle.

Well in this case, you know you're an asshole if, you own one of these.







Is this a belt or a band you use for stretching? Either way its a good idea to wear one of these next Thanksgiving(although it'll be SO out of style by then), as your stomach expands, so will the belt.








Not that I understand how the pirate look is "in" but how in the world is the little house on the prairie look in? Flannel dresses? seriously? whats next? overalls and pollard wigs?



















Is it really necessary to carry a suitcase around as a purse? What could you possibly need to bring around with you all the time that fills this up? I guess if you were going all out on the pirate look it'd be a good spot for your spare peg leg. Or it's a fashionable way to smuggle Mexicans across the border.













Here we have John "Smith" Radzinski showing off this year's hottest Pocahontas line. Bring out your inner native American with real leather purses and boots, sure to be full of tassels, and don't forget the latest rage in accessories, feather and bead leather necklaces.













This shirt is the bread winner of this years fashion statements. Its some leather Indian tassels short of being the perfect shirt. It combines the pirate look with the ruffles down the front all while encompassing the classic classy look of red and black flannel. Its the high seas meets back woods, class meets trash, Captain Morgan meets PBR, a combo for the ages.
















This outfit is a big pair of glasses short of Elton John. It includes another "in" thing, fur. If you're after the "I just skinned part of a polar bear" and I'm wearing every shade of off-white possible look, then this ones for you.














This dress is what they drew up back in the 60's and 70's as "clothes of the future." Did you ever notice that anything that's from the future has some metallic silver in it? Its the perfect combo of ugly colors and awful looking design to be the "in" dress of the year!














This, um, thing, was inspired by a jar of green olives.

Another "in" thing for a while, the HUGE turtleneck. Okay, I admit, they look nice when on correctly, but I think someone originally making a turtleneck sweater was like, "SHIT, look how big I made the turtleneck! Oh, well, let's go with it." And it stuck. That, or there's a company that makes turtlenecks for giraffes and adapted them to fit humans too.

Are you wearing this dress wondering, "why do people always come up and hit me with a bat when I wear this?" It's because you look like a pinata in it. Only a pinata is way better because candy comes out of it.















YAAARRRGGG Mateeeeeee. Do you hear about that new Pirate movie? It's rated ARRRRRR. It also features this ensemble of ridiculousness.
















You'll have the Saturday Night Fever wearing this little combo from Macy's. It features EVERY bright color ever along with white pants. The only reason it comes with white pants is because no other color could match this.

















This looks like something that would be featured in the movie Beetlejuice or Tales from the Crypt. It's just ghastly.













Ruffles, you can't have just one.













If only this coat gave you the ability to run 80 MPH. Otherwise, I can't think of any other reason to wear this. Ever.











Joe Nameth called, he wants his sideline coat back.













Ah yes, the standard Hoochi dress. Could there be anything tighter than this? You might as well painted it on!



















Whoever made this bag makes a lot of bags and realized hey I'm wasting all of this material that is leftover. So they fooled American women into thinking that this bag of scrap materials that have nothing to do with one another and make a completely ugly bag is "cute" and so fashionable.









Holy Crap. It's like Captain hook meets Dracula in this version of Captain Vampire. The thing is, we'll actually see people wearing this, even when it's not Halloween.
















The 1700's England thinks this is modern. That or this is like the uniform for British Airways flight attendants.














grrr. They were carrying these jeans into the store and some type of animal came out of no where and tore them up. The guy carying it into the store was like, Fuck what a waste of jeans, I'll toss them in the dumpster, or maybe we could actually throw them in the ultra clearence sale and take 90% off. The girl carrying in the other box took a look at them and said, "Clearance rack? 90% off? Ruined? put them in the big display in the front, and how much were these going for? $40 bucks? Mark em up to $90"










This is a onsie for either a really large baby, Robin Williams from that movie Jack when he's full grown at age 3, or some weird new trend they're starting up in womens sleepware (booties sold seperately)

In conclusion, we don't know what fashion's all about, obviously. Pretty soon flat-tops, LA Gear, and neon colored things will be back in for our kids' generation. It's ugly, it's bad, but it'll be back. Don't ask us how it works.