Moving Day

Moving sucks. There’s no doubt about it. It’s one of those so-called “necessary evils” in life. If you want to upgrade to a bigger place, a nicer place, a better place, you’ll have to move and there’s no way around it. That is unless you have movers doing it for you, in which case you’re made of money, because moving not only puts dents in your walls, but also your wallet.

Expenses:
Let’s start with U-Haul, Ryder, Budget, etc. They’ve cornered the moving truck market. Sure the truck says “RENT ME FOR AS LITTLE AS $19.99.” Yeah, but even if you’re moving just 8 miles like I did, you’re not walkin’ out of the joint without spending at least four times that much. As it turned out, My B and I paid $93.00. How did that happen? I’ll never know. Just like the cable company, (a rant for another day), and food at a stadium/movie theater, you know you’re about to get ripped off, but what else are you going to do? Put a three-seater couch on your Civic? Also try walking out of there without the guy behind the desk offering about 30 things to you before handing you the keys.

So all you want is a truck and a dolly?
What about insurance?
Blankets?
Furniture dolly?
Boxes?
Towels?
Clothing boxes?
Movers?
Protective air cushions?
Bubble Wrap?
Packing peanuts?
Packing tape?
Masking tape?
Duct Tape?
Scotch tape?

The truck itself is insane. Is there a louder ride on the planet? I think the guys on the first Apollo rocket were like, “THIS ROCKET IS LOUD, BUT AT LEAST IT’S NOT A UHAUL!” Also be prepared for some wheel alignment issues. Holding the wheel straight means you’re turning right at a 30-degree angle. And the ride? Forget about it. It’s amazing more stuff doesn’t break because Dr. Dre in is ’64 Impala thinks you’re bouncing around. You ever see the vintage footage of the army testing the first Jeeps? It’s something like that.

Moving Attire:
The moving attire is a very overlooked part of moving, you've gotta be prepared for anything moving throws at you, which is why you wear:

- Old Shirt: a shirt that you never care about seeing again, not only is it going to smell like the Johnston Landfill by 8:45 a.m. because you’re moving on the hottest day of the year (the weather gods always wait on this day till the day you move) but also because that shirt becomes a dirt rag. You're using the bottom of that to dust the top of a shelf off, or wipe your dirty hands on, as a band aid for your cut finger, that shirt is getting abused, its a mercenary, your throwing it to the hounds, and its not coming back in one piece. The other thing about this shirt? It’s Free. You didn’t even win this shirt. You were given this shirt. It’s that shirt you got while you were walking on the street and some guy from “Earth Day Awareness” group or some other non-profit handed you it but you felt too bad tossing it out.

- Pants: Moving has to be why they invented cargo shorts; they're a UHAUL that fits on your waist. They've got more pockets than you know what to do with, or at least that’s what you thought until you used them on moving day. You're using every one of those pockets and wishing you had more. You've got 8 different keys to: cars, trucks, apartments, closets, locks, everything you can imagine. You've got your cell phone, wallet, ropes, tape measures, nails, screws, notes, directions, and half of your silverware, and that’s just in one cargo pocket. Bottom line is, you've got everything you can fit in those pockets, and you wish there was more room.

NOTE: Not wearing a belt on moving day with your cargo pants is like going to a party with a boner & sweatpants.

- Shoes: I've moved in sandals a few times, but you’re going to want to wear a good pair of sneakers. Nothing ruins a move like a bureau coming down on your big toe, that'll ruin a day or three and your friend will have to pick up the slack, making the favor of moving even more unbearable then it originally was

- Backwards Hat: This is not an essential, but this is the first accessory. Something’s got to hold back that sweat from dripping into your eyes and nothing says “I’m Moving” like a backwards hat. Now you could sport a backwards on a regular day, but what makes the moving-day edition different is the fact that it’s your worst hat. It’s the hat you use to do anything that will sustain large quantities of sweat. This normally means it’s an adjustable hat also. And on any other occasion, a backwards+adjustable hat looks ridiculous, but on moving day, or days where you mow the lawn, an adjustable backwards lid is passable and completely understood.

Effect on Friends

First off, asking a friend to move is something you hate doing, you know no one wants to help you move, but your real good friends are almost obligated. You know it, they know it, the people standing around overhearing the conversation know it. You tell them you just signed a lease on a new apartment to bring up the move innocently, and the wheels in their head start churning up excuses.... They're thinking, oh shit, a new apartment, that means a move, he's about to ask me to help, think of something quick, come on, come on, what could I possibly think up for that weekend...family reunion? Way too obvious of a lie. Dad's birthday? He's already had 3 birthdays this year. Shit! Sister's birthday? He'll see it's a lie on facebook. Dog's birthday? It died 3 years ago, that wont work. ahhhhh time's up. This is exactly why you ask your best friends because you know them too well to know when they’re making up an excuse to get out of helping you.

The best way to ask someone to move is to go with the old, “Can you help move a few things?” Now that's the biggest understatement of the century, can you help me move a few things? A few things? More like EVERYTHING I OWN. A few things is: boxes, beds, bookshelves, desks, lamps, rugs, plates, silverware, and not to mention the sleeper sofa from 1954 that their apartment's previous owners left behind, because no one has good enough friends to help them move that, well besides you. You’re signing them up for a day that World's Dirtiest Job's won’t even go near, Moving Day.

On Moving Day you wake up at 7 am to get a jump on it, go grab your truck and you're good to go. You've got the energy of 4 red bulls because you're moving and even though you don't actually want to move all your crap you’re kinda excited for your new spot. By moving day, your old spot is always a piece of trash that you don’t know how you ever lived in and your new place has a celestial glow around it. Your buddy comes over at 830, which if moving wasn’t enough, you make them give up their Saturday AND wake up early. Even though they say no problem a hundred times, you know they're just thinking of what evil things they can do to you on their next moving day.

So if you help a friend move, you’re owed big time. The only equal thing that makes up completely is your friend helping you move. Otherwise, nothing can make up for it totally. Treating your friend to lunch/dinner, taking care of their dog, etc, that’s all a nice attempt but you don’t get off the hook that easy. You’ve got that on him/her for as long as you’re friends. 40 years from now you could be like, “Hey Pat, can you help me hide this double homicide I just did? C’mon dude, you owe me, I helped you move that one time four decades ago.” And sure as the sun coming up, Pat would be there helping me dispose of a corpse. If he didn’t that would be terms for breaking off our friendship. Why do you think no one helped OJ Simpson with hiding those dead bodies? That crime scene was a mess. Obviously, he and his friends are too rich to help each other move, they had movers, and thus no one was obligated to help him that fateful night.