What gets a song played?

I was in a club the other day, not drunk enough to start dancing I paid close attention to the music videos that were playing and the music in general.  I started noticing patterns in the songs, there were some that told people what to do, some that talked about the night and some that singled out people.  Just about all of the songs started fitting into different categories in my head, these categories didn't make the songs hits, but they definitely helped get them played.  Which lead me to think, what do you put in a song if you want it to get some airtime?  Sounds like a job for Pat and John. Jobs not for Pat and John include: Indoor plumbing, car repair, and parenting (at least not that we know of). 

Instructions

Some songs give us instructions.  They tell us what to do, sometimes its a feeling like don’t worry, be happy or to take it easy but a lot of the time a song obtains hit status by simply telling us what to do when that song is on. Case in point, YMCA. Here is a very forgettable song by a gang of leather daddies and civil servants letting us know where to stay if we want to “hang out with all the boys”, but 40+ years after the village people first yelled, “YOUNG MEN” this song is a mainstay in the lexicon of our society.  The reason?  White guys can perform the steps. It’s simple, throw your hand out there and point at someone while moving side to side while they’re yelling all the young men business and then turn your body into a human sesame street (song is brought to you by the letter G) sponsor by throwing your hands up and creating a somewhat recognizable YMCA.


Also see: Put your hands in the air, the cha cha slide, the electric slide


Talk about tonight
It’s a night, why not make it a good night?  The Black Eyed Peas were all over that with Gotta Feeling.  Since that song hit the airways earlier this decade, everyone at any event has “got a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night” (la heim).  While The BEP’s set their sites on a more manageable “good night”, Bill Medley aggressively said I’ve had the time of my life. Now, everything has lyrics with making the most of your night. Just look at the iTunes top 10 most downloaded songs.
1. Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO
3. Last Friday Night - Katy Perry
4. Tonight tonight - Hot Chelle Rae
8. Superbass - Nicki Minaj
9. Give me Everything - Pitbull

All these songs tell us about something that happened tonight, or last night, or something we should do tonight. Think about it...

Which leads us to the next point: Another way to get your song some time is just put the day of the week in it, Monday, Monday, Tuesday’s Gone, Friday,  Saturday Nights Alright, Blue Sunday have all taken the calendar route to airplay.  If you notice the pattern here, Wednesday and Thursday are still available for any budding Becca Blacks out there. Someone has had to have made a song regarding Thirsty Thursday right? If not, get on that. You’ve got a hit on your hand because you’ll corner the entire Thursday market. And if it’s got a hip hop beat, that ish is being played everywhere.


Event
"It’s your birthday, we gonna party like it’s your birthday" and “They say it’s your birthday” are some lyrics you’re going to hear pouring through the speakers telling you to “drink Bacardi” and “have a good time” at any birthday party.  When June comes around you know you’ll be finding out that “School’s out for the summer, school’s out forever” and all you have to do is open your ears after Halloween to know “Santa Clause is coming to town”

Christmas music has taken writing a song about an event to a whole new level.  There isn't any other holiday or even that even has a song written about it that isn't by Adam Sandler (Hanukkah song and Turkey Song).  Someone decided that Christmas needs it’s own genre of music, Christmas music.  There are probably 2, maybe 3 Christmas songs that could hold up as a “good song” against any other actual “good song” but since it talks about St. Nick or the snow falling, Grandma got run over by a reindeer gets as much airplay in November and December as any Arcade Fire song has gotten over the last five years.

Group of People
There are 3 certainties in life, Death, Taxes and  ring-hungry single ladies will always inhabit the world. So Beyonce knew just what she was doing when she proclaimed “if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it”.  Not only is she always going to have people who claim that song is made for them, but what is the #1 group of people that dance at any event? You guessed it, our gay friends. But Single ladies aren't far behind. This formula of hitting a group of people is pretty fool proof. Whether you “feel like a woman,” or are a “single lady,” or a “man eater,” you’ve got something that says, yeah, I’m empowered. And if you like all 3 of those songs, you also could belong to another group: Lesbians, in which case see: “I kissed a girl and I liked it”

City
Creating a song about a city is like being a beat writer for the local little league. Someone from the neighboring town wont care about it, but the people in your geography will be bumping your work in their scrapbook/iTunes for years to come.
You cant leave Fenway after a sox game without hearing “awwwwww Boston you’re my home” or Yankee stadium without “New York, Newwwww yorkkkkkkkk”, although its not fool proof in that, I’m sure that in Iraq they don’t play Bombs over Bagdad at the end of every donkey fight.


Who has taken a trip to Miami after 1998 without hearing “welcome to Miami bienvenido a Miami” playing through their head?  And even after we know that the Mommas and the Poppas singer John Phillips was boning his daughter we’re still California Dreaming when we think of the Golden State. In fact California alone has a litany of songs. The Flaming Lips made California maybe the most addicting chorus of all time using just the state’s name. It also was the theme song unfortunately to the OC.

Thanks to 2pac i know “California knows how to party.” Snoop Dogg taught me that LBC is the cool way to say Long Beach, and just about any west coast rapper has informed me through the art of rhyme that south central LA and Compton are probably places I don’t want to be dippin’ through any time soon.


Rappers love talking about their hometown. Who needs to look up a rapper on google to see where they’re from? You just need to listen to 1 out of 5 songs. Jay Z, we know he’s reppin BK, as did Biggie. Dr. Dre hails from Compton but sticks out for other hoods. Hell even Nelly was proud to be from St. Louis.


Bottom line, Just about every place has a song. And if it didn’t have a song, Johnny Cash took care of that.



Sports Related
The 2nd cousin of the “City based songs” are the “Sports Related” songs.  It doesn't matter how crappy a song it is, if its about a sport or team it’s going to get played.  Case in point, that awful “Play ball!” song that gets played 81 times a year (plus playoffs) at Fenway after the little boy with sickle cell yells play ball into the mike.  


Some sports songs can actually hold up on their own, but they’re rare.  For every We are the champions (REALLY played out, but a pretty epic song) there are 10 Centerfield’s.


Create a dance that goes with it
If you create a dance to go with your song right off the bat, you don't even need to try when you make the song.  Case in point- The Macarana.  Did anyone ever know the words to that song other than “ehhhhhhh Macarana, AYE”?  (except when your Spanish teacher made you translate it for a homework assignment)  The rest of the Spanish yabbering in that might as well have been fake words for all we cared because we’re focusing too hard on remembering that the hands go on your hips and THEN you do that little wiggle right before you doing a quarter turn jump and yell AYE.  


Every 5 years someone comes out with some sort of move that goes with a song. Hava naglia anyone? The hokey pokey, twist, cotton eyed joe, c’mon ride it (the train), loco-motion, aforementioned YMCA. How many more dances can there be. Apparently not enough because Soulja Boy taught me how to Superman dat Ohhh. And what’s best is, he didn’t even think of a creative title for his dance. In the 2nd line he just tells us Soulja Boy is the name of the dance. That’s clever marketing.


And now? We’re all being taught how to Dougie.“Teach me how to Dougie” is repeated 12 times in the 3 min song, the song was made to teach you how to “Dougie” and the “Dougie” was made so you’d listen to that song, BRILLIANT. And what makes it even better, You can’t do it wrong, because hey as long as “you do you, I'm a do me,” it’s all good.


Sampling old song
Can’t come up with your own song that’ll get played?  Just steal some old song, throw a filter over it to make it sound semi different and sandwich the chorus with 4 lines of rap that don't even have to go with the original song, it’ll get played, just ask Sean Kingston.


Make up your own word
Missing that hook to get your song the right amount of cashe?  Make a word up.  Where would Kid Rock be today without the word, Bawitdaba?  And aside from being a Joker and speaking of the pompetous of love, Steve Miller is also adding words to Websters.


USA
Much like Christmas songs, if you throw USA in a song you’re at least getting played once a year during fireworks, throw a nice beat with it and the sky’s the limit.  Look no further than the Vietnam protest song that is Born in the USA.  If you asked 100 people what their favorite patriotic song was, at least 83 would come back with Bruce’s tale of going to “kill the yellow man,” why’s that?  Because hearing that drum beat and yelling BORN IN THE USA is as good as it gets, who cares about the rest?


In general, most Americans are sheep, and our pro-America boner we all have instilled into us from kindergarten (pledging allegiance), feeds a deep-rooted need to have patriotic crap thrown our way. That’s why anytime we can whip out the U-S-A chant, we’re doing it. I mean, Born in the USA is hardly patriotic, hence the Boss didn’t want Reagan using it for his stump speeches on his campaign. But the be all and end all of patriotic songs, is the over-the-top “God Bless the USA,” by Lee Greenwood. Comedian David Cross has a great bit about this.

Basically he shits on Greenwood for making this song, but you know he would never really “Stand up next to you and defend her still today,” if actually called to serve.  



Word that everyone can scream out
When everyone’s getting glossy eyed at a concert, ballgame or wedding all they want is something simple.  Well there’s plenty of air play to cash in on if you give it to them.  Until Glinter went all Jacko on some kids in the Philippines, getting to yell “HEY” 15 times for every Patriots touchdown was better than the six points themselves.  And at a wedding who doesn't love yelling “Hey, Hey, Hey, Heyyyyyyyyy” right after you slowly raise yourself back up from the ground while getting progressively louder?

And now an addition from "Pat and John On..." correspondent Ian Palombo

"Only getting airtime because the artist is young, good-looking, and most likely underage".
These artists aren't good, nor would they ever be heard if the person singing they were 50 pounds overweight, and really brought it home during the french horn solo. Think about it, no one actually liked the god awful sound emitted from Rebecca Black or Selena Gomez's face, but you didn't mind watching their video when your creepy friend posted it on Facebook. The worst part is the parents.. They get to play cute by enabling their daughter's "Beiber Fever". Ya well, I'm on to you. Spending all night camped out to get tickets to Beiber's show, was the nicest thing you've done for your Sally since Dad scored tickets for the whole family to the opening of the new High School Musical movie. (Vanessa Hudgens, anyone?)