Infomercials: A How to and the Top 10.

The Following are 14 rules that can be your unofficial guide to making a successful infomercial.

1. Use Black & White footage to show how bad any other product that does the same thing is

No matter how easy it is to use another product, this black and white footage is going to make even the simplest task look like rocket science. The best example of this is for the space saver Tupperware infomercial. I mean how hard is it really to put things into a container? Well the space saver people show a woman trying to do this and inevitably all the containers fall all over her as if the cabinet was making it rain Tupperware.

Note: It's very important in the black and white footage to throw up the giant red "x" superimposed over the shot, just in case you didn't know that this indeed was the wrong way.

2. Have a loud and overly energetic host

The viewer fell asleep because its 3am on a Thursday night? Well your host should WAKE THEM UP. The most important trait of a good Infomercial host is to be able to talk louder than any other human being. Billy Mays who is the host for dozens of infomercials does it right with his yelling approach, Oxi Clean gets embedded into your dreams. Matthew Lesko? Remember him? Are these question marks ringing a bell? He's the guy with the question mark suit. Is there a more irritatingly loud squeaky voice then his? If he was just talking to you about how his day is going then they answer would be a resounding NO, but because that loud, irritating, squeaky voice is telling you how you can get a free government loan to open up a shop specializing in chewing gum, well he might as well be Barry White because you could listen to that talk all night.

3. It's an added bonus if the host has an English/Australian accent

Just ask the people with the "tap light" and they'll tell you that the reason they sold so many of those dastardly things is because of the Australian guy hosting the infomercial. His ability to say "Top Law-ight" instead of Tap Light was so key. It keeps you watching because you want him to ask you, "You call that a light? This is a light!" But 15 minutes into it, you just wanted the light instead. “Holy shit, I can put that light in my closet? I can make a walkway out of dozens of them? I NEED THAT.”

So if Billy Mays isn’t around to host your shiz, you better lob a long distance call to some Australian Bloke.

4. Make sure you show the product being used for things you'd never use it for

This is the step where you want to wow your viewers. They already know a knife can cut a piece of chicken, but they didn't know that your knife CAN CUT THROUGH A CAR. It's one thing if your adhesive can hold a picture to a wall, but it’s another thing if your adhesive can be made into a chain to PULL A BOAT. By making your customers realize these aren't just towels, but rug cleaning, moisture soaking pieces of cloth made by the hands of god himself, they'll realize they have to buy them.

Plus, what if you lock your keys in your car and cant wait for AAA? You know your not going to be cutting that car door off with any ol regular knife, you need your Miracle Blade.


The Magic Bullet Shows Rules 3, 4, and 7 in action

5. Product better have a catchy name

In business and real estate it's all about location, location, location. In the world of infomercials it's all about the name of the product. There are two ways of going about this. You better mention what kind of product it is but throw a noun in front of it: i.e. The George Foreman Grill, Red Devil Grill, etc. The other way of naming a product is simply giving it some sort of exciting or thought-provoking word and tag-team it with a verb/noun; i.e. OxyClean, ShamWOW, The Magic Bullet.


The Aptly Named "Tiddy Bear"

6. If at all possible have a catchy slogan too

The RONCO Showtime Rotisserie BBQ, which is the best infomercial of all time (see below), still is the benchmark of infomercial slogans with the timeless slogan, "Set it, and forget it."

7. Have a lame/dumb sidekick who has "never used the product before" and is always amazed by the result

The dumb sidekick is essential for the infomercial. He/She is the average American in the infomercial's eye: dumb and a sucker for anything. They chime in with the commentary on the product, normally saying how easy a product is to use.
Lines that are commonly used are:
"And, so that's all I have to do?"
"Wow, that's just too easy."
"Why have all this stuff, when I only need one of these (name of product)"

They are also there to segue into you buying the product. The following is normally how that convo goes:
Dumb Sidekick: Okay, so X does all that and it's this easy to use?
Inventor: It sure does
DS: Okay, but I bet it costs a fortune.
I: nope actually it's only 3 easy payments of ___
DS: So wait, you're telling me I get the X for the price of just $___?
I: That's right
DS: No way, that can't be. Can I get it in a store?
I: Nope only through this 'exclusive' offer
DS: Well America you heard it here, you can only get this offer right now if you call the number on your screen…

8. Include real on-the-street/audience testimonials

It is important to show your viewers how your product has completely changed the lives of regular people just like them. Stuff like, "before I bought the Miracle blade, me and my sister were Siamese twins, thanks to its space age blade we took care of that!"

In this section you can also show how "Top Professionals" use your product. Professional car washer Miguel Rodriguez uses the ShamWow to dry all the cars that he services, "The cloth, it gets car dry mang, really dry mang"

*Note: if you can have someone that has a cowboy hat, or looks like they're a hick, or a "real American" as Sarah Palin would call them, you better take the opportunity and interview them.

9. You better tell us that you're selling us the product for 150% less than you'd get it in the store.

As the customer, we need to know how much this piece of crap is going to cost us in the store. Without mentioning how much this thing costs at a retail store, we would think that the product is only sold on TV, and that means it's not store-worthy. For some reason if this product is sold in a store, we think, "hey, it's sold in stores, it must be good." So giving us the outrageous “store price” or “retail price” will make us think it's a good product and when they pull the old switch-aroo for the "special offer" it damn well looks like we're stealing it.

10. Before giving us the final price, tell us how much it isn't going to cost and also give us a payment plan. By the way those payments better be "easy."

They already told you that you’re getting a better deal than in the stores, but they didn't tell you how much of a better deal. You're not paying $600 for this rotisserie grill, NO your not even paying $400, as a matter of fact you’re not going to pay $200, you my friend are only on the hook for 10 easy payments (what makes these payments so easy anyways?) of $19.99. That's right, you call and you’re getting the deal of a lifetime, but wait what's that? If we call right now we get what?......

11. Along with step 10, tell us what we get if we call NOW and how much everything that comes with the product would cost separately

As if the "easy payment" and a reduction in price from the store wasn't enough to buy this thing, we also get a ton more crap with this special offer. Not only do we get the "Lean, Mean, Grillin Machine" but if we call now they'll throw in the grill cleaner, tongs, recipe book, lifetime supply of meats and one of George Forman's kids. Then they'll let us know that if we bought each of these things separately it'd cost $500 and hours of labor/pain, but by calling now, we get all of this for 5 easy payments of $19.99, making us think, we're getting $500 worth of stuff for $30 bucks, how can I not buy this!?

12. Give us a timer on how much time we have left to buy the product

Of course, these deals are “limited time only,” or “limited supplies so order now.” In fact they are so limited that they will only play this same infomercial EVERY night for the next two years. But if you’re still on the fence, and the words ‘limited,’ ‘supply,’ and ‘time’ didn’t get you, this next tactic will. The timer. The timer normally comes up on the phone number shot: you know the blue background with two side-by-side clips showing everything you’ve already scene about the product. On the right hand side of the screen that giant yellow 10-minute clock starts winding down and now you don’t even want the product, you just want to beat that clock. This isn’t about necessity anymore, it’s not about, “I have to have this.” No sir, it’s about, “I have to beat that damn clock.”

13. Knock off a payment if we order it NOW with a credit card, and repeat steps 9 through 11

The final piece-de-resistance is knocking off a payment. If all the previous add-ons plus the timer didn’t pressure you into buying it, the removal of the payment is the no-holds-bared tried-and-true these-colors-don’t-bleed atomic bomb they drop on you at the end. For this step, it’s key to make sure you throw in a completely different voice over too. Make sure the audio frequency doesn’t match and there’s a total different static noise in the background because this is getting recorded after you realize you’re not selling shit for the first 3 months.

“…But wait! If you order now with your credit card, we’ll knock of ONE WHOLE PAYMENT! Now it’s only three easy payments of 19.95.”


Rules 11-13 perfectly played.

14. Finally, never allow for C.O.D.'s or Money Orders

Never allow for any Cash on Deliveries or Money Orders. At this point we the customer assume you’re not accepting either of those forms of payment, but for some reason you’ll accept the Diner’s Club Card? Oh well, these are the rules, we don’t make this stuff up.


Top 10 Infomercials of all-time:

1. Ronco – Showtime Rotisserie BBQ

Ron Popeil has made a living at this and you can see it all comes together in this one. He’s a seasoned pro and he pulls no stops in this one. A freaking studio audience chanting, “set it and forget it?” Does it get any better than this? No stone is left unturned (except for the one in the rotisserie BBQ). All the tricks are pulled.

√ Voiceover easy payment subtraction
√ Energetic host
√ Dumb Sidekick
√ Slogan
√ Useless stuff throw-ins: The slicer (because now the only tears we’ll have for cutting onions are tears of joy), the gloves, the “flavor injector,” recipe guide, the steam trays, etc, it’s all here. But seriously Popeil, you’re “including” the booklet of coupons as a bonus? And don’t tell me you just valued that thing at over $250?

2. Girls Gone Wild infomercials

Watching Spike TV or Comedy Central at 2:00 a.m.? Oh you’re getting hit with this one. It’s not a traditional ad, but it’s got what almost every one of these other products doesn’t have, nearly naked girls and lots of shots of them lifting their shirts and showing us their censor bars. Plus the steel drum in the beginning? How recognizable are those first four notes?

3. Free Money to Pay Your Bills w/ Matthew Lesko

Lesko is a master. He’s also a game changer by infusing two special things to his infomercial: a suit that’s almost as loud as him and constant shot changes. One second he’s telling us how we can get the gov’t to pay for our taxes somehow whilst on the steps of congress, the next shot he’s walking in front of Wall St. No matter what though, he’s always, I mean always moving.

4. Extenze "male enhancement" pills

With their testimonial slogan, “They’re giving away pills for free? It must be good!” and “If we didn’t sell so many pills, could we afford to do this?” they have officially just come out and said, “Okay America, you’re dumb and we know it.” Also you have to love the different ways they try to say it makes your dick bigger without actually saying it.
- Male Enhancement
- Improves the size of that certain part of the Male Body

5. Oxy Clean

- Billy Mays has basically convinced us to buy repackaged detergent that we put in addition to our normal detergent. I mean you add it to soap! This doesn’t even need to do anything, but shit, anything to make our “whites whiter.”

6. ShamWow

The salesman of this thing is just a straight asshole. But somehow he’s SO authoritative that he makes you feel bad for doubting it. Also he’s brought a modern head-microphone into the mix which says one of two things: 1. I am a backup dancer. 2. I work at Old Navy. Either way, that headpiece is definitely stolen from his other job

7. The D.R. Trimmer/Wood chipper

After watching the DR Trimmer infomercial, it’s easy to conclude that this machine is the sole reason for deforestation.

8. Magic Bullet Blender

The Magic Bullet is the gunshot that killed JFK. It’s also a blender that can serve drinks AND feed a family of four.


9. Juiceman Juicer

This guy’s been at this thing for so long. It is rumored that his eyebrows can make him fly and also give him the ability to see into the future.

10. Foreman Grill:

The Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine? Really that was the best title we could get for this product? I’m amazed they could fit it onto the grill cover.


Honorable Mention:

The Eyebrow and beard trimmer:

This makes the list because the have the balls to call this thing an eyebrow trimmer, when really we all know that’s just code for pube trimmer.



Special to Pat and John On…


By Jerome Palmeri
Infomercial Connoisseur










My Top 5:

1. Even edging out the Showtime rotisserie the Red Devil Grill because they market it like it was the thing you could cook everything on. Like fuck your whole kitchen, the red devil is better than all of it and it was just a little tailgating grill.
And it also had the SUPER SKILLET, that was just a huge wok

2. Showtime Rotisserie

3. Pancake Puff Maker

4. Nuwave Oven

5. Foreman grill, or better yet one of the knock offs.

* Honorable mention

Any knife set infomercial. Those fucking knives! You could use them to cut through bricks, and don't forget the fucking chop n' scoop.
The way they talk about the knives I wonder like why we need scalpels in hospitals or even the jaws of life when these knives do it all and NEVER dull.
And what’s with the filleting knife and the garnishing knife? who the fuck ever needs those? As long as I got a big butcher's knife that can help me with my amateur diamond-cutting business, I'm happy.

Oh and don’t forget the eggwave, remember that shit? Because eggs are so hard to make.
In fact, those I think make the best infomercials. Shit that is made to seem like you need it and it can do everything, but you are like, this does nothing. Like the pancake puff thing? oh great! I can eat all my baked goods in ball form now. Thanks pancake puffer.


Finally, The "Advertising Lullaby" by the late, great George Carlin

Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience
Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.

Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
Free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.

No cash?No problem!No kidding!No fuss, no muss,
No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.

Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money,
Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately,
not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,
Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,
Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.

So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff.Our experienced and
knowledgeable will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.

And say, don't forget to pick up your free: a classic deluxe
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no purchase necessary.It's our way of saying thank you.

And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary
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Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary.It's our way of
saying thank you.

Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick this big dick up your ass a little bit
deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable
no-good dumbass fucking consumer!